He told me he wanted a divorce on Friday. Part of me is still in shock - we had been working through some issues, but I never actually thought it would come to this - and the other part of me needs to start dealing with everything. I know he's not going to change his mind.

The first thing I'd like to do is change my name back, but I'm not sure if I should, or if it's better to wait until we're actually divorced, since our mortgage and everything is in my married name?

Did anyone go this route? And if so, did you keep your married name across-the-board, or did you change it on non-official documents (FB, business cards, etc.) in the meantime? (We have no children; it's just me.)

TIA for any thoughts/suggestions. Looking forward to getting to know you all.

http://news-briefs.ew.com/2011/10/16/zachary-quinto-comes-out-gay-man/

Now, I do not have kids, but please tell me that it's not appropriate for a GF to be spending the night at her BF's place when they've been dating less than 3 months...while the guy's young daughter is there.

Also, please tell me whether it is scary or awesome for a man to tell you that "you're the one" after less than 4 months.  I would run for the hills if this happened, but she seems to think it's awesome.

No one is calling out the BSC, so maybe I'm the BSC one?

 I'm going to the Halloween store (again) tonight to get some more party decorations. I'm going to be Little Red Riding Hood with claw scars across my face and a woodsman ax, and DH is wearing wolf ears (he's not big on costumes). I've decided to make the brain hemmorage drink (with Peach Schnapp's and Bailey's) for the drinkers and a sherbet punch that looks like dirty swamp water for the non-drinkers. I am soooo excited.

Halloween is kind of my end of the year because then the holidays come, and I hate those because of my stupid family. So it's a pretty big celebration for me.

Who else is excited? (other than imoan, because I know she is) 

Underside:

My only complaint is that the "i" in "Ph'nglui" ran together and now looks like an "l," but I can have him re-add the dot above after it heals a bit.

Sunday was kind of a bummer because apparently I got too much sun on Saturday despite sunblock.  I felt like crap all day on Sunday.  At least I didn't miss out on time with the out of towners since they left Sunday.  It was all worth it in the end.  It is so much fun to spend time with my brother and his kids.

How was your weekend?

I needed to do it but it was so hard, you guys.  I'm really going to miss what we had.  Some things were not working, but what did work was so sweet and comforting.  It's going to be so difficult to not text him every few hours and be a significant part of his life anymore. 

 My husband & I have been married for a little less than a year. He is messy, I am clean and this difference is really frusterating me. He could care less about a clean house and when he comes home just throws his clothes where ever he takes them off, usually in the living room. He thinks me spending money to organize & decorate our home is unecessary & a waste of $$$. 

He is also a huge dog lover and is not really bothered when our 2 dogs have frequent accidents in our new home. There are stains that are so deep in the carpet, they are almost impossible to get out. (Believe me, I have tried!!!!)

 I am more than frusterated and do not want to continue picking up after him and the dogs like I'm their maid. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!!! 

I think venting about it got me into a better place mentally and everything went a LOT better than last year.  Last year was really the first time I had spent that much 'alone' time w/ Karen so I was just totally unprepared.  This year - i was prepared. 

Also, she wasn't quite as annoying.  She had her moments.  But at the same time, I also think she may have clued into my frustration last year. 

I also have to kind of give her props too- we had a 3 yr old b-day party to go to yesterday. I have her the choices - I can take her to the hotel early, she can hang out at our house, or she's more than welcome to come.

She totally came, talked to my daycare provider, and seemed to actually enjoy herself.  So, while she's not really a "kid person", she's around enough kids in her life that she does actually get it and she does make a genuine attempt to roll with it and make the best of it.

So - there IS some good there too....

However, I do feel that if this trip comes up again next year, if DH is working, I'm going to have to beg off on her coming.  While it was all well and good this year and I'm not looking to end our friendship, at the same time - it's still stressful.  PLUS - she may have realized how much our lives have changed (last year we were at least still living in the city!) and it's very kid-centric at the moment, and she may not WANT to come!  It wasn't the most enthralling of weekends

We'll see.  but thanks for giving me an ear!  

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-275195598695532559

It even has a plot point revolving around a ring, ffs.

She came at this time last year and seriously, I still haven't fully recovered from that visit!  WIth both last year and this year, my DH is working this weekend.  he may get home for part of the time, but w/ his job - you simply never know until the day of or even the hour of.  So, conceivably, I could be alone w/ her all weekend. 

And that's really the problem.  She's pretty selfish and she can be very intense and exhausting.  She's an attorney and she's good at her job - but she lets her job play over into her life a little too much.  She has to be RIGHT about everything.  You can't have the simplest difference of opinion w/o her basically beating you down until you conceed that she's right.

A little backstory to my next issue - I used to have a friend who loved to throw down "you don't understand" in relation to kids whenever she could.  If you didn't have kids, you could expect to hear this statement from her at.  For many reasons, I find this phrase really rude and unnecessary.  Yes- there is truth to it, but it's still unneccessary to say. 

Karen knew this girl too, knew about how rude & offensive she could be, knew about the "you don't understands", etc.  She even once said to me that she appreciates that I don't throw that in her face.  (She is almost 40, not married and no kids). 

Anyhow, last year she talked a LOT about her brother's kids. Bascially about what a bad parent he is.  As I have never met his kids and have never seen him as a parent, I didn't say too much in response. Just listened.  I fully recognized that I don't know them, don't know the full dynamics  - it's hard to really voice an opinion on what he's doing or not doing. 

But at one point she said something about them and I decided to actually voice a thought I had because I felt I might have some perspective on the situation.  The next words out of her mouth?  "You don't understand, you've never met them". 

I was speechless.  That's what you're going to throw down at me because I DARED to speak from a place of experience on what might be going on w/ your brother?

I literally sat back on the couch and stopped talking.  DH was there, luckily, so it wasn't really fully on me to enteratin her.  But at that point, I threw up my hands and gave up.  It was such a slap in the face. 

If it were just this one thing, i'd have gotten over it.  But this was the straw that broke the camel's back.  After a weekend of basically being beaten down in every conversation we had, I lost all energy to deal with her. 

Luckily it was shortly after that that DH took her to her hotel and her visit w/ us was over.

But can I do it again this weekend?!?!?!  I don't know!  I'm actually, though, trying to get some comments in my head to say to her (while not being rude) to put it on the table that she's exhausting me.  I don't want to get into a fight w/ her, but I'd like for her to realize how unforgiving she can sometimes be.  Or - I hope that she picked up on my "giving up" last year and clued in on what happened.  She can be pretty intuitive and does pick up on the sublties at times.  Maybe she did and maybe she wont' be quite so in my face about stuff...

We'll see how it goes.  I am having friends over tomorrow afternoon, though, to help mediate my time w/ her...   I just need strength!

I can't deal. Is this how the right feels about the Tea Party?

Her husband gets very annoyed with all of he reminders about washing his hands. he has told her a few times in the last couple days he is going t leave for the weekend if she doesmt stop with the hand washing thing. he says it in a threatening way. (not violent)

The wife and one of the daughter are having a hard relationship right now. the wife had a baby recently(7 months ago). ever since the wife got pregnant, the wife and the 4 year old daughter have been having a hard time getting along. the wife snaps at her. the daughter doesnt listen at all. the husband tells the wife all day what to do with the daughter to make their relationship better. he does it in front of her and behind closed doors...he tells the wife you are a terrible mom. and when the daughter is 18 she will want nothing to do with u. the mom is habving a hard ti,e with the daughter. she is trying her best to be a good mom. she knows there is rom for improvement. the dad puts the mom down in front of the kids. tells her go cry downstairs. he makes no effort to stop being mean to the mom. the mom feels like the dad is constantly managing her like she is hired help...dont relationships with kids have a transition after a baby comes?

They both have mentioned divorce often. They are in marriage counseling. It does help...But it hard for them to find someone to watch their kids...

What should she do? Is this emotional abuse? The mom stays in it bc she loves him and wants to make it better with marriage counseling...bc the conuseling helps....she feels bad for being so anxious and kind of feel ike she sort of deserves what he gives her....he really does not try to stop being hurtful to her...

My husband and I, got into a huge argument one month ago, about, what I thought, was the fact that he was 2 hours late for our date night. I found out a week later from a friend (because during this time, he needed space and didn't want to speak to me; we were living under the same roof at the same time), that the fight was instead about trust.

On the day of the fight, I had left work early to go to the bookstore with my husband, and had to check the balance on our account, to make sure we were good. I saw a charge for coffee, that normally totals two beverages, for when I was at work. Figuring that my husband had probably been with his sister, I just brought up, asking about the charge. It was not his sister, but instead with a female friend of ours. 

This female friend, that we really became friends with in the past 3 months, had coffee and lunch together. No big deal, right? Well this friend was getting massages from my husband (who is licensed masseur) at our home, on the nights that I work late. And this is what the argument was about. 

I had asked him what was going on between them, because he was still giving her massages (for free...) almost every Monday, they were bonding pretty quickly as friends, so my mind instantly went to the worst possible idea. 

Now my husband, is a very trustworthy person. I honestly believe in my heart that he didn't do anything at all, but yet I still asked what was going on. 

A few weeks prior to the huge fight, I had told him that the massages were making me uncomfortable. He responded with, "You should be able to trust me. You need to be able to deal with it, because I don't think I should have to change my behavior because of your insecurities."

Don't get me wrong, I was upset when he told me that. But I do have some insecurities, with an abusive relationship I had in the past and a very rocky childhood. To which, I am currently seeing a therapist on my own.

After the fight and a 1.5 week of not talking, my husband and I had a huge talk. There was no yelling or name calling, but there was a lot of crying on my part. My husband said that his heart was broken. He was really sad, because he feels that I can't trust him, without thinking that he is doing something. He said in this conversation, that he still loves me, but doesn't feel the warmth for me anymore. And also that he feels that he doesn't or can't see us getting back together. He gave me three options. We could either stay roommates (which I immediately chose because I wanted to try and make things work), legally separate or divorce). But he also wanted me to work out my issues and work on me. To which, I am going to therapy.

Well, it's been 3 weeks since the talk and we are still currently roommates. I've been going to therapy and learning to become more independent. Until I fell apart last night.

My really good guy friend that I've known for 16 years, and that my husband is good friends with, texted my husband and asked how things were going between him and I. My husband said that, "I feel the same. Sh*t's over." Once my friend found this out, he asked if he was going to start seeing other people. My husband said, "It'll be a little a bit before the divorce. Dating is the last thing on my mind."

It's good to know that he doesn't want to start dating, but he has yet to tell me, that everything is over. It just feels like he is giving up without even trying. I thought that when you get married, you have to deal with the hard parts together?

I don't want to give up on this marriage. I asked my therapist if she would be willing to call him and talk to him, at least over the phone. She agreed and I even asked my husband and he said he was ok with that.

Even if we do end up getting divorce, I at least want to try working through the problems, instead of just throwing in the towel. 

What can I do to save this marriage?

So now I want to buy some fair-trade candy & hand it out. Trouble is, where do I get said Fair-Trade Candy? How do you know its FT? Is it labeled. 

Its discussed here: Fair Trade Candy Thread on PC&E

I don't know if I will be giving the lecture pamphlet out but I do want hand out FT candy if I can. I'm a little afraid to get mixed up in that thread (because I don't know much about it, but I am looking things up). Does anyone know where to get reasonably priced Fair-Trade Candy?

Whenever I ask my husband to do something around the house, his response is always basically asking me to do something else in return...  I just don't get it.  I never imagined that this is what marriage would be like.  I always looked at my parents and when one asked the other to do something, there was never any of this "well, what are you going to do?" 

I know I shouldn't be comparing because every marriage is different, but when my husband acts like this I can't help but feel like an enemy...like he thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him in some way.   For example, my husband is the one that usually does the laundry, but when he takes it out of the dryer, he doesn't fold it, it just sits in the baskets until I fold it and put it away. (We put away our own laundry by the way).  So today I asked if when he is taking the laundry out of the dryer he could separate his clothes from mine....just take both baskets and while taking it out, put mine in one basket and his in the other.  This would make it a lot easier for me when folding and putting away the laundry because I wouldn't have to shuffle through it to determine whose is what, etc.  His immediate response was "no, it will take too long and I don't have time as it is to do everything I want to do".  This by the way refers to his hobbies. 

When finally, after a lot of talking from me, he agreed to separate the laundry, he said "but then can you make the bed?".  (FYI, I leave for work first, so he is still sleeping when I leave in the morning.  So, he would like me to make the bed when I get home from work.)

I feel like every time I ask him to do something I get this kind of a response...like he expects something for something.  He can't just help me out when I ask for it.  Oh, and just to let you know, I make dinner, I do the general cleaning in the house (dishes, dusting, clearing/setting tables, cleaning bathrooms, etc.).  He vacuums, mows the lawn and does the laundry.  But I never mention whether I do more around the house or not.  I don't feel that this should be an issue in the sense that I don't believe in equally divided responsibilities... I just think we should want to help each other...  if one of us asks for help I think the other should help without expecting anything in return. 

 It is so hard for me to accept that my husband is this way.  I know that there is something so much deeper in me when it comes to this.  It's not just about house duties...I would love to give myself wholly to my husband...I would do anything and everything for him, but I can't.  I mean I find myself continuously having to explain myself when I ask him to help and then I feel like I'm nagging, but on the other hand why should I have to do everything around the house?  How can he tell me that he won't do something because he doesn't have time for his hobbies?  If this is how he feels/thinks then why did he get married?  Why not just stay a bachelor? Then he would have time for everything without the need to actually be a responsible adult. 

Another thing he does is he leaves plates, cups, etc. all over the place.  I don't say anything first because I understand that after dinner sometimes you're just so full that you want to rest a bit before cleaning up.  Ok.  But one time I was stubborn and left his dirty dishes on the table where he left them.  I cleaned up my own and believe me when I say that his dishes sat there for the next 2 days until I finally said something to him.  This is another constant argument we have.  

I worry that when we have kids, he will be a bad example to them.  I don't want them to think that I am a maid/servant.  I expect that my kids will clean up after themselves, that they will help out around the house.  I want to raise them the way my mom raised me...to be a good person willing to offer help and willing to sacrifice personal time to help others and take care of responsibilities.  In my opinion, everyone has personal interests, hobbies, etc. but once you commit to another person whether it is by marriage or common law you have to, in my opinion, put that person before yourself.  I am willing to do that for my husband, I am willing to sacrifice my own needs, wants, etc. for my husband, but I know he is not willing to do that for me and that hurts.  I'm not saying I expect him to give up his hobbies.  I consider myself to be a very understanding person, but I'm just having an incredibly hard time accepting this. 

I love my husband, but sometime...often...I feel like he is lazy and selfish and it hurts so much because I want to give my all to him, but I always feel like there is this barrier that he puts up between us, this defensive wall.  

I don't know how to deal with this.  I've tried talking to him, telling him how I feel, how he makes me feel and like we used to talk about everything before we got married, now he just thinks I nag because there are things that I expected, things I would like to change and he just wants everything to stay the same.  He doesn't seem to want to change for the sake of my happiness because it would mean he has to put to much effort into it.  That's what I get out of our conversations.  

What do I do?  How else am I supposed to deal with this?  I do feel like I have this image in my mind of the person I wish my husband would be and he just isn't.  Am I supposed to "deal with that" and shut up?  Shouldn't we both be willing to work at making the marriage wonderful?

Now I really really really want to watch the movie tonight. Luckily for me (and unluckily for H) I have it on DVD! Hooray!

Anybody want a peanut?

He has a really bad habit of putting his foot in his mouth and he just really pissed me off this week.

In the course of a 20 minute coversation he called me a red neck and said that me and my friends were working class.

Then when I told him I took offense to this, he tried to say these were meant as compliment while throwing sterotype after stereotype at me.

Just really pissed me off

He sent me a fb message apologizing. And, while I think that he's geuinely sorry, I don't think he really gets it as he is one that is very quick to label people.

I told him as much and told him it's an incredibly shallow practice

(yeah I know this isn't Pets, shut yo mouth!)

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I'm getting my first tattoo, though. It's a nerd thing. I'm getting "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" tattooed around my wrist with an Elder Seal:

Underneath it. It's probably something I will regret later in life, but I am okay with that because I think that it represents my current life, and I feel like that's all tattoos can really be.

By the way, the phrase means, "In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming." So in addition to being a fun geek thing, I feel like it says that in spite of being somewhat stagnant now, I still have time to wake and follow my dreams. Not that I'm dead. But, you know.

So, yay for that! 

ETA: Ignore the weird link up there. Not sure what it was all about...