The humane society workers were kind of bitchy this afternoon, though. I don't know what their issue was, but they acted like I was a huge inconvenience and argued when I asked for her vaccination records because they said I got them yesterday. Um, no, I wouldn't be asking for them if I had them, stupid. And this was after I donated an addition five dollars AND two cans of milk replacer for bottle-fed fosters (I received an email less than an hour before that saying they were badly in need of those). And it wasn't like it was a different staff. It was the same staff it always is. Maybe I was being too demanding or sounded annoyed. I am really tired.

Regardless, she's home and being taken care of by her boyfriend.  

It started out normal, updating on the week and any challenges, etc. and we got to talking about XH.

I saw him again last week - I was on the phone and almost didn't see him, but there he was, heading into my building.  His head was WAY down, like almost smushed into his neck, so I'm pretty sure he saw me and was trying to pretend he was invisible.

So I got to talking about regret and how I wasted a lot of my life being depressed and in that shiitty relationship (whine whine) and talked about how when we were together (more than 5 years) I gained - wait for it - a HUNDRED pounds.

A hundred pounds of emotional eating, unhappiness, and other emo stuff.  I've lost about 60 of it off and on for a few years now.  

Although we've been divorced for three years, I still mourn a little bit and can't quite grasp the fact that he doesn't have any control over me or my future. And I came to realize I'm carrying this extra weight of HIM.  Fat and him... it's still with me, and when I hit that goal of where I was before I met him, I'll feel like he finally doesn't have control of any part of me any more.  The weight is GONE, his hold on me, physical or emotional or whatever - all those bonds will be broken.  FINALLY

And I went through the rest of the hour holding in sobs. lol.   I didn't think that was how I felt about it, at all. It really doesn't make any logical sense, and I know that.  But wow does it make emotional sense to me. I can't wait for the day when I get there.

 I know this belongs in a blog somewhere and probably not here.  But I really needed to discuss.  Thanks, guys.

So, needless to say, not the best start to my morning. My hands were still shaking when I got to work. Nothing like watching a spinning, out of control car coming straight at you after she caused a major accident. I thought I was going to have a stroke.

I am oddly fascinated/excited that the motorcycle from Happy Days is going up for auction.  Too bad the estimated price is around $90,000.

Someone in our neighborhood with too much time on his/her hands called code enforcement on a bunch of people.  Each house with a warning has a whopping 2 days to take care of issues.

I miss my mom.  I want a mom who doesn't judge me and that isn't going to happen.  I want her to love me unconditionally and sadly it seems those days are behind us.

It was easily the weirdest dream I've had in a long time. But there were no snakes, nazis or Hispanic babies.

It has since been lowered to just over $400.

Where the wine bottles could also be used as table numbers. My friend also had a cute idea where he put a picture frame with a picture of him and his FI doing different fun things while they were holding up a card that had a number on it.

I'd like to make use of the gords/small pumpkins that are in season since our date is so close to Halloween. Would something like this work with a wine bottle as a vase? I also like the small candles around the centerpiece as well. Obviously the flowers would be more appropriate for a taller/wine bottle vase.

The table linens will be white. I welcome any of your ideas too since I'm not the most creative person.

stupid jealousy

I have been married for about a month but dated my husband for 10 years before we married and lived together for 3 years.  For all who ask I am 27 and he is 28. 

We are friends with another couple and they are engaged.  I know this is rediculous, but I cannot help how I feel.  I have been begging him to pick up archery since we first started dating and he kept dragging his feet.  She brought it up once in passing and the next day, we were at the archery range purchasing bows for ourselves and he bought them bows as well.  Is that a little weird or is it just me?

Also, I have been asking him to go to some of the historical houses by us on a weekend for years now but he always would rather do something else.  He usually  goes along with what I want to do so when he says no, I don't push.  This past Monday was Columbus Day and my husband had off, but I did not and her fiance did not.  She called and invited us to go to a historic house and garden with her, her son, her mother and grandmother that day and he actually went! He only seems to do this for her.  I trust them both and know that nothing will happen, but I can't help being jealous.  Am I being ridiculous or do my feelings have some validation here?

She was very, very active and then poof, disappeared.

(having said that I don't stay on the boards for long periods of time myself).

But, I was wondering.

Years ago, when we were in college, FI made friends with a girl he went to school with. They spent a lot of time together and I was immature and jealous. His friend moved away right after college. They didn?t talk for several years, but about a year ago she found me on FB (he doesn?t have an account). She and I talked and I gave her his number and vice versa. 2 months ago she moved back. She came over and we all caught up and everything was fine. Except I find myself becoming more and more uncomfortable with the situation. I need to know if I am being really immature and need to just get over it or if this would make others uncomfortable.

Last weekend she came over and we all hung out, at night we went to a bar and we sat down in a row with FI in the middle. By the end of the night I was pissed off at FI because he spent half of the night with his back to me having a conversation with her. So I was basically sitting there by myself. I am friends with the bartender (not real good friends we just hang out from time to time). We hung out a few days later and she was asking me if I trust FI and what the deal is with his friend. I thought they were kind of strange questions but she said it just seemed like he was kind of ignoring me.

I said something to FI and he said sorry he didn?t mean to have his back to me and he was just trying to hear her because the bar was loud. I said ok just be more aware that when I sit next to you I am excluded from the conversation because he is so big and I?m small.

So friend stayed over a few nights at our house and things were fine. Then this weekend she came over again. We were going to take engagement pictures and we were going to ride our motorcycles so she wanted to come for the ride. We didn?t end up riding because it was too cold when we left. We did go apple picking though and she got an ice cream and he shared it with her. I thought that was weird, but I didn?t say anything. Then we ended up at the same bar again. This time at a table so we could all talk. This morning I woke up and she is wearing his sweatpants.

I hung out with my bartender friend again this morning and she asked me if I think FI?s friend wants him, I said I don?t know why? She said she thinks so. So now on top of the few uncomfortable situations, bartender has got me feeling even more uncomfortable with the whole thing. I don?t know if I should say something to FI or just leave it alone. Am I being an immature jealous freak or would any of this make you uncomfortable?

Because, um. What?

I'll briefly summarize why I decided to post here for help.  I've been with my DH for 9 years, we'll be married 2 years on 10/24.  We've had a lot of ups and downs over those years.  DH is an alcoholic for starters which is the root of all of our issues. His sobriety has been on and off over those years.

We've been to counseling, I've moved out several times only to come back when he promises that he'll get help.  Those promises were always came up empty. 

Our fighting has escalated from shouting matches to physical violence with the last time being on Wednesday. 

 I've contacted an attorney to finally get the ball rolling to file for divorce.  I know that my safety and well being are being affected now.  it is time to go...

 but why, with all that has been done and said, does it hurt so badly?  I feel that everything that i hoped, believed, and shared with this one person, has been ripped away from me and that I feel like i've failed myself for not doing more. 

 I know I deserve better for my life but why the hell does it have to be so painful to let go? 

TIA

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/10/susan-dibene-california-m_n_1002814.html?1318222453&ncid=webmail3

It is an incredibly sad story, but gotta say "Leave the fu##ing stroller!" 

It makes my head hurt a little!

I will have my redemption!

I am actually proud of myself for getting crap done today that I have been putting off FOREVER!