Newlywed advice about baby making!

kmdavis2

My husband and I got married on August 11th after being together for 2 and a half years. I know that doesn't sound like a very long time, but I honestly don't know how our bond could be any stronger than it is. Most people say that the first year of marriage is the hardest, but my husband and I are seriously the best of friends. We barely fight, and when we do fight it lasts no more than an hour before we can resolve it. We spend most of our time together, but we also have our own friends that we feel comfortable going out with without eachother. We enjoy the same hobbies, but we each have our own as well. I know this sounds cliche, but I seriously don't see how our marriage could be any better than it is.

My husband and I had a plan to start having kids after a year of being married, but after talking about it and going over our finances, we both are hoping to start trying in January after saving up some more money. He is 27 and I am 24 - I know we are both young but I have never felt a stronger pull for being anything besides a mother. I tried culinary school, I went to college, I looked into other options for my career, but all I want to be is a wife and a mother. We started introducing the idea to our families and closest friends, and they all seemed on board until this past weekend when I got ganged up on and lectured about how stupid it was to start having kids so soon after getting married. Has anyone else gotten this reaction?!

I know it's ultimately up to my husband and I to decide when we want to start trying, but we both want our families support during the pregnancy and I don't want to be judged for having kids so soon. Can anyone offer advice on how they dealt with this?

Leftie22

It's not like you and your DH are children, so I don't see why people would be ganging up on you. Nt everyone waits a set amount of time after getting married (or even before getting married) to have kids. That timing is totally up to you. I'm not sure why you would even bring it up to other people, because you don't need their blessing to have kids. My DH and I started trying before the wedding, and if was pregnant at the wedding. I didn't tell anyone. We were ready, and that's our business. I knew his family would disapprove of me being pregnant at the wedding, so I just didn't mention it. I suggest you keep this decision between you and your DH, and start trying whenever you're both ready. Tell people when you're pregnant, not before. No one else has to raise your kids, so they can keep their opinions on when you're ready to themselves. Good luck!!

Janessadawn

kmdavis2 said:

 I have never felt a stronger pull for being anything besides a mother. I tried culinary school, I went to college, I looked into other options for my career, but all I want to be is a wife and a mother.

Oh my god, I'm not alone!!! You're the only person I've ever heard say that...I was beginning to think I was weird.

Anyway, is it your business and yours alone ("your" meaning your H and you, not just you). They probably think they're trying to protect both of you, but if you're in agreement and know it's what you want, then go for it. Once you do get pregnant and make the announcement I have a feeling they'll be excited and supportive. It's funny--families either seem to be pushing newlyweds to pop out kids, or to wait to do so.

JemmaWRX

It's really no ones business but your own. I'm really confused why you thought it was appropriate to tell anyone or why you feel the need for everyone's approval. You're an adult and if it's right for your family (I.e. You and your husband) then do it. But don't discuss the topic with anyone else in the meantime. It's too personal a decision to involve everyone else.

Best of luck to you both!

Oh and you should check out the Trying to Get Pregnant board over on the bump to learn more about TTC. There is a lot of great info over there. Fair warning though - lurk a little before you jump in and get a feel for the community!

R.Wilsonny

Yea, I'm actually curious as to why you and your H felt the need to share something that is so personal and private with family. Maybe confiding in a close friend could be acceptable, but to tell everyone this, that leaves the door open to them thinking that they have any right to gang up on you and influence your decision that you made as husband and wife.

And yes, you are young but if you feel that strongly about having children now, then that's ultimately up to you. Personally I would wait and spend some time together just the 2 of you and maybe do things that you might not be able to do (at least not for a while) once you have kids. Again, that's your business and no one else's to make that choice.

Oh, and check out the Getting Pregnant section of the forums here...it's a nice active area of the boards. GL

Kimbus22

Well, it's up to you and your H, not them.  That said, when you "put it out there'" that that is your plan, you're going to get opinions on it.  If you don't want the opinions, don't share your plan.

I have to say, I'm always in favor of enjoying being married at least a year or two before having kids.  We were married 6 years by the time our son was born, together for 10 years.  I don't regret those 10 years we got alone together for a minute, as much as I love my kid and as excited as I am to have another one on the way.  2 1/2 years together is still the honeymoon stage.  You haven't even hit the monotony of years upon years of daily life together.   It's a lot easier to adjust to the gigantic life change that is becoming a parent when you have years of struggles and triumphs together.  But people do it sooner than that all the time.  It's not what I'd do or what I'd advise but it's no one's choice but your own and your husband's.

Maybride2

Nope, never got that reaction because we never "presented" our plan to anyone. The fact that you felt it necessary to not only announce your plans to everyone but also counted on their approval and permission to move forward with them is a pretty clear indication that you're nowhere near mature enough to be good parents. And while I get that you think life is perfect and nothing could possibly change after being together for 2 whole years (ROTFL!), the truth is that your relationship is still so new and you're still in the honeymoon stage where everything is new and easy. You have nothing to lose by waiting awhile and giving your marriage a chance to settle before throwing your lives upside down becoming parents. And even if you don't feel particularly career driven, it's not a bad idea to work on having an identity of your own - outside of wife and mother - while you can. But in the end, it's no one's business but yours and your husbands. Grow up and stop requiring the approval of your peers and family to live your life.

kmdavis2

Maybride2 said:

The fact that you felt it necessary to not only announce your plans to everyone but also counted on their approval and permission to move forward with them is a pretty clear indication that you're nowhere near mature enough to be good parents.

First of all, I never required approval from my friends and family, I simply like to keep them in the loop on what's going on with my life. That does not make me immature, it just means that I enjoy talking to my friends and family about big decisions.

Second, even though my husband and I have only been together for 2 years does not mean that we have only known each other for that long. We have had more than enough things happen to us to turn our lives upside down, from death to relocation, with much more in between.

It isn't fair for you to talk down to me because you think I need to "grow up." All I asked for was some simple advice like every one else on this website, and I would appreciate not being spoken to like I am a child.

Maybride2

Actually, yes - it does mean that you're immature (or insecure) if you feel the need to keep everyone '"in the loop" on your private matters. And if you didn't need their approval, you wouldn't be here boohooing over being "ganged up on" and told it was a bad idea. I'm not going to argue with you about your age because it's pointless. If you and your husband feel ready to take the huge life changing journey that is parenthood, then go about your business. No one else needs to be kept in the loop on a decision like that, unless you're going to be needing their assistance with raising a child. And if that's the case, I'll say again that you are nowhere near ready.

anssett

Maybride2 said:

Actually, yes - it does mean that you're immature (or insecure) if you feel the need to keep everyone '"in the loop" on your private matters. 

I completely disagree! If the motivation is to get approval from family/friends, then sure. But what about people who are just excited? I've been waiting for the right time to get pregnant for...ever. Waiting through a PhD. Waited through a first failed marriage. Waited through getting life stabilized with my now husband. And Now it's Time! I want to tell everyone on the planet! I'm not going to tell every waiter and person on the street, but I am telling my family and friends. They know how important this is to me and how excited we are. I am in NO way looking for approval. I'm a grown up and we are making these plans...but what's so wrong with telling people who care about me? Why shouldn't they get to share in my joy? I find your statement ridiculous. 

Maybride2

Honest question - why do you think that everyone is excited to hear that you're planning to have lots of sex soon? I mean, yeah, it's exciting to hear that a friend/family member is happily pregnant - but before that time, what is there to "share in the joy" over? And if you're one of the unfortunate couples who ends up needing help conceiving, are you still going to be happy that you told the world when the world is asking you every month "So, are you yet? Do you need tips? Just relax!" Yeah, I still stand by my above statement - but by all means, continue telling your friends and family about it. I'm sure they love it.

artbyallie

@Maybride2

Telling people you're TTC is a terrible, terrible idea. In fact, announcing a pregnancy before 12 weeks can be a pretty bad idea too. Much wiser to keep mum until one has a more-than-likely-viable baby. Of course, people do still have late-term miscarriages and such, but until you're showing a bump you might as well protect yourself from having to retract your good news.

Leftie22

I

artbyallie said:

@Maybride2

Telling people you're TTC is a terrible, terrible idea. In fact, announcing a pregnancy before 12 weeks can be a pretty bad idea too. Much wiser to keep mum until one has a more-than-likely-viable baby. Of course, people do still have late-term miscarriages and such, but until you're showing a bump you might as well protect yourself from having to retract your good news.

I have to admit, I agree. I didn't tell anyone when we were trying for either of our pregnancies, and I'm glad I didn't. I told people at or after 12 weeks. After I had my first everyone was asking when we'd try again. The fact was, we WERE trying again and weren't having any luck. I hated being asked, and it would have been WAY worse if we had told people we were trying. Instead, I just kept telling people we weren't ready yet. Even when I got pregnant, I lied and told people we were waiting, because I didn't want to count my chickens before they hatch. Thankfully I'm now 21 weeks along, and still pregnant, and there's no keeping the secret now. But I'm glad I didn't spill the beans too early. I had a friend who told everyone they were trying, then it took over a year for them to conceive, she told everyone early, miscarried, got pregnant again, miscarried and through that whole time had to face everyone's questions about if she was pregnant. I felt terrible for her.

R.Wilsonny

Leftie22 said:

I

artbyallie said:

@Maybride2

Telling people you're TTC is a terrible, terrible idea. In fact, announcing a pregnancy before 12 weeks can be a pretty bad idea too. Much wiser to keep mum until one has a more-than-likely-viable baby. Of course, people do still have late-term miscarriages and such, but until you're showing a bump you might as well protect yourself from having to retract your good news.

I have to admit, I agree. I didn't tell anyone when we were trying for either of our pregnancies, and I'm glad I didn't. I told people at or after 12 weeks. After I had my first everyone was asking when we'd try again. The fact was, we WERE trying again and weren't having any luck. I hated being asked, and it would have been WAY worse if we had told people we were trying. Instead, I just kept telling people we weren't ready yet. Even when I got pregnant, I lied and told people we were waiting, because I didn't want to count my chickens before they hatch. Thankfully I'm now 21 weeks along, and still pregnant, and there's no keeping the secret now. But I'm glad I didn't spill the beans too early. I had a friend who told everyone they were trying, then it took over a year for them to conceive, she told everyone early, miscarried, got pregnant again, miscarried and through that whole time had to face everyone's questions about if she was pregnant. I felt terrible for her.

I actually know someone like this too. She's been pregnant 3 times and each and every time, has told everyone, immediately (like at 2 weeks), and each and every time has miscarried. On the one hand, I feel bad because it really sucks to have to go through something as terrible as a loss, but on the other hand, I'm starting to think this person and their grand announcements is a bid for attention. I know that sounds terrible for me to say, but seeing this person in action with other things, this is the impression I'm getting from them at this point.

That said, it's just a bad idea to let people know your baby making plans. Like I said before, if you confided in a close friend, that's one thing, but telling the whole world, what do expect to gain by doing that?

iona76

A friend and I were just cracking up last week about what people are really saying when they announce, "We're trying to have a baby!" Like we really want to hear about your sex life. It's like saying, "Just so you know, we're having lots of unprotected sex right now!" If you think about it, it's a little ridiculous and no one wants to hear about it. Especially if, god forbid, you have trouble conceiving or suffer a miscarriage, as so many of my friends have. Then, because you've opened the door and told people you were trying, you've put yourself in a position to have to answer their questions and relive some things you'd have rather kept quiet. 

As my father always told me, if you don't want anyone's opinion, don't tell them anything...because the moment you do, you open yourself up to hear things you don't want to hear. What's done is done, in your case, and you can't go back and "untell" people your news. But you can say, "Thanks for your input, but we've decided to keep this decision between us--as we should have all along."

R.Wilsonny

iona76 said:

A friend and I were just cracking up last week about what people are really saying when they announce, "We're trying to have a baby!" Like we really want to hear about your sex life. It's like saying, "Just so you know, we're having lots of unprotected sex right now!" If you think about it, it's a little ridiculous and no one wants to hear about it. Especially if, god forbid, you have trouble conceiving or suffer a miscarriage, as so many of my friends have. Then, because you've opened the door and told people you were trying, you've put yourself in a position to have to answer their questions and relive some things you'd have rather kept quiet. 

This exactly. I almost feel that people who let everyone in on their TTC plans are doing so because they want the attention. Telling a few close friends is one thing, but announcing it to the whole world is something else.

cloudymeatballs

Some people seem to tell everyone.  My H and I, we are not not trying.  Lol, People keep asking us when we are getting pregnant, I mean, I would love to be anytime now, but we just tell people whenever it happens.    I don't want to stress about it, and it really is no one's business.  When you go telling everyone, if there is a problem TTC, it can make it a lot more difficult, I think, since then people will keep asking about it.  Good luck with everything!!!! 

moonprincessd

A baby is a private matter, but unfortunately in our pronatalist society, everyone thinks its their business. 

Why would they judge you? Most of these people are hypocrites, asking right after you get married: "so when's the baby coming?" and then you get pregnant within the first year and they turn around and say "but you're so young!" 

We have been married for a year and I don't plan on having kids anytime soon. I have too high of standards on parenting to be a parent right now. We haven't felt too much pressure. My mom already has hinted she wants grandchildren, but she's not constantly egging us on, at least not anymore. At first she was all "you'll change your mind" and blah blah blah but still no baby, so maybe she's catching on that it won't be for awhile. 

They are moving now and apparently are looking into placing an offer on a 4 bedroom house... so I think she still has expectations for grand children, (it's just me and my younger sister, both of us are out of the nest). 

rlyttle

Its your own business & choice when to start a family. I was pregnant 3 months after we got married & had DS 5 days before our 1st anniversary. We were together 5 year when we had DS. Having kids is GREAT!! With that being said having kids is A LOT of work and it really takes time away from being with your DH. We still spend a lot of time together, but it's not the same because our attention is directed toward DS, not each other. If I were you I would think about things you want to do. My DH and I had already been on several trips out of the country, bought a house, both had great careers, and money in the bank. We knew that having a baby soon after marriage was right for us because we had reached all of our goals we had set before getting pregnant. Just keep in mind that your time with your DH will be put on the back burner for serval years to come. Is that something you want to do so soon?