"Marriage isn't for you" article

Janessadawn · November 2013

A friend posted this article yesterday, and I really liked its message. At the time she posted it I was feeling frustrated about how H's habits when it comes to doing the dishes are different than mine, lol. Reading it at that moment was a great reminder and I thought it might resonate with y'all as well.

http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/

smbenevides1989 · November 2013

I just read this. It is a nice refresher to what marriage really is. It's not selfish, its about the other person. I love it.

Cupcake0629 · November 2013

Great article! It really helped me put things back into perspective :x

Janessadawn · November 2013

And of course, the backlash it has inspired: http://www.buzzfeed.com/samimain/what-if-marriage-really-isnt-for-you

I don't think the original article is saying you can't make yourself happy, but what I took away from it is that you shouldn't be viewing marriage like a business deal. I especially liked the Wal Mart metaphor.

Beads921 · November 2013

I read that yesterday and I loved it. It puts things into perspective.

I feel like that backlash article took the original message to the extreme.

sillygoosegirl · November 2013

I don't like the statement that you shouldn't be selfish in choosing IF you marry or WHO to marry. If you are supposed to be selfless in marriage, then getting married is your last truly selfish decision of your who life, and as such, I think everyone should make the most of it. Every lifelong relationship is bound to have it's ups and down, and times when some sacrifice is needed, but if you are careful--and yes, selfish--about who you marry, your own interests and those of your spouse will not be at odds very often and you will have a lot more to bring to the relationship with a lot less sacrifice required.

Even on our darkest days, I know that marrying DH was a 100% selfish decision and that keeping our marriage strong is 100% aligned with my own long term self-interest. That makes it pretty easy to choose to do the right thing each day. It sounds like the blogger doesn't have that, in spite of still being a newlywed. I think that's really sad.

Kimbus22 · November 2013

I hate this article so much. It's stupid. I'd be pissed if my H only married me to make me happy. I'd be pissed if he only put me first. That's as much a recipe for disaster as never putting your spouse first. Then you lose yourself. I married a man because I love who HE is and what WE can be together. Not because I want to put him first all the time. Sometimes he's being an ass. Sometimes my needs outweigh his wants. Sometimes it's the other way around. Marriage is about communication and compromise, not sacrificing your own happiness for someone else in hopes that you can become happy because they are.

Plus newlyweds should not act like they have it all figured out. It's great that this has worked for you for a year or two. Talk to me in ten or fifteen. See if you're still feeling fulfilled by always putting someone else ahead of you then.

Mrs.Rad888 · November 2013

I hate that the author talked to his father because he was really having second thoughts about getting married, and he was basically told "get over yourself." If more people listened to the voice in their head when they had cold feet, maybe the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. We tell people all the time to listen to and trust their instincts, but when questioning the biggest decision most people will ever make, they're told to disregard those feelings? Talk about mixed messages. I hate it when people are told to ignore what their gut is telling them. Your conscience is usually right, if you just give it a chance.

I had some serious cold feet leading up to my previous marriage, but I thought it was typical jitters. I think if I had listened to my gut, I wouldn't have gotten married, and subsequently divorced.

Sillygirl45 · November 2013

I worked with a guy who told everyone at our work he was marrying his girlfriend because she was a good person, had put in her time, and deserved it. I almost spit out my coffee.

He was a really nice guy... At least I thought so.

I couldn't believe that BS was what he really felt. I felt so bad for his FI. I'm sure she had no idea he would ever say something like that.

Leftie22 · November 2013

Yeah, I'm not liking this article either. To me, it's encouraging that age-old fantasy that if a woman just loves her guy enough and keeps giving and giving, he will change and love her back. The guy sounds like a douche who didn't want to get married and now he's trying to convince himself he made the right decision. If I were his wife, I'd be insulted that he acted like an ass, had doubts about getting married, told other people about those doubts, and then decided to do it for her and their families. Yuck. And I don't want to think my DH married me to make me happy, I'd rather think he married me because I make him happy.

Kimbus22 · November 2013

Mrs.Rad888 said:

I hate that the author talked to his father because he was really having second thoughts about getting married, and he was basically told "get over yourself." If more people listened to the voice in their head when they had cold feet, maybe the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. We tell people all the time to listen to and trust their instincts, but when questioning the biggest decision most people will ever make, they're told to disregard those feelings? Talk about mixed messages. I hate it when people are told to ignore what their gut is telling them. Your conscience is usually right, if you just give it a chance.
I had some serious cold feet leading up to my previous marriage, but I thought it was typical jitters. I think if I had listened to my gut, I wouldn't have gotten married, and subsequently divorced.

SO MUCH THIS.

For real people, cold feet is not just no big deal and to be expected. If it was, there wouldn't be an insane divorce rate.

Janessadawn · November 2013

You know, I've been thinking a lot about this since I posted this. All of you have made excellent points, and I agree with many of them. This guy isn't a relationship expert by any means, but this is about his own experience and struggles. I don't think he married the gal at the expense of his own happiness; nor do I think he married her solely because it was what she wanted. It sounds like in the beginning he was gung-ho, and then got cold feet. (Which, by the way, are totally normal. But I digress.)

I think his dad was basically trying to tell him that, in a marriage, he cannot think only of himself. Too many times have I thought something along the lines of "what's in it for me?" without considering the bigger picture of my marriage and my family, which is just the two of us + cats for now but we hope to grow in the next few years. I feel that if I only think "what's in it for me?" when it comes to our relationship, it will not last. I'm not saying sacrifice your own happiness for your partner's, and I don't think the author is either. Marriage is about sacrifice and compromise, and sometimes that means doing something for the other person instead of yourself.

moonprincessd · November 2013

Janessadawn said:

You know, I've been thinking a lot about this since I posted this. All of you have made excellent points, and I agree with many of them. This guy isn't a relationship expert by any means, but this is about his own experience and struggles. I don't think he married the gal at the expense of his own happiness; nor do I think he married her solely because it was what she wanted. It sounds like in the beginning he was gung-ho, and then got cold feet. (Which, by the way, are totally normal. But I digress.)

I think his dad was basically trying to tell him that, in a marriage, he cannot think only of himself. Too many times have I thought something along the lines of "what's in it for me?" without considering the bigger picture of my marriage and my family, which is just the two of us + cats for now but we hope to grow in the next few years. I feel that if I only think "what's in it for me?" when it comes to our relationship, it will not last. I'm not saying sacrifice your own happiness for your partner's, and I don't think the author is either. Marriage is about sacrifice and compromise, and sometimes that means doing something for the other person instead of yourself.

Yes. This was actually on the news this morning and they were talking about how controversial it was. I think some people are taking it too literally? Or maybe aren't understanding the article?

It's not saying you should give up yourself for your partner, but that marriage isn't all about YOU. You have to consider the other person, the person you love and want to do all these amazing things for/with.

I think he just had cold feet. "I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day." How is that wrong? Shouldn't you WANT to do that for your significant other? He's not saying he wants to give up video games and drinking beers.... he's not giving himself up.

He even mentions he was a jerk for being "selfish" and not giving enough. So I highly question if people really read the whole article.... He's not saying JUST the wife should do all the giving, both should. "I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better."

lisa2008boo · November 2013

I love this article and as a christian I think it lines up with Biblical marriage very well. Your goal is to work together as a team while serving the needs of one another along the way.