How do I get DH to help more around the house esp. when sports are on?

Corky0905

I need some ideas of how to get my husband to help out around the house more.  We both work full time jobs that include working every other weekend (we are on the same weekend) and he does work many hours.  On my days off, I spend some time vacuuming or doing laundry and tidying the house, along with other things like cleaning bathrooms and grocery shopping.  He will occasionally help with yard work during the warm months and shovel snow in the winter, but because he works every other weekend, a lot of times he does NOTHING on his days off.  I get that he wants to spend his off time doing something he enjoys and he definitely deserves it.  But when that time is a TV marathon of a soccer game followed by a football game followed by a golf tournament, I have a hard time not getting pissed off.  For example, yesterday, he went to the golf range then to a local double-header hockey game while I visited with my sister at her house.  Fine, we both deserved time off.  Today, he slept in while I took the dog for a loooooong walk.  No problems with that, although I would have liked his company to talk about his week.  When he did wake up, he went straight to the basement to watch 2 sports events.  I asked him (on a commercial!) to help me with the humidifier in the basement and I got a big groan and was told that spooooorts were oooonn.... I felt like I was talking to a whiny 4 year old!  He apparently has no plans to help me with anything today!  How do I get him to help?

Corky0905

Update: I just fixed the humidifier on the furnace by myself and he asked why I was working on it.  Um, because it wasn't working and it's winter and you get nose bleeds and complain about how dry the air is.  You're welcome!  He asked if I wanted him to do something then and I said, "yes, could you hang the shelves in the closet?"  He groaned and said, "I was just trying to relax today, can't I do it later?"  Then started 'organizing' things like putting my laundry basket away when I am currently doing laundry.  ARGH!!!

tiffanysbride

Does he contribute to the household chores/daily activities during the week? Does he do basis things during the weekend, dishes in the dishwasher and so on? Would he prefer to do things like the shelves or real cleaning after work during the week? I think you need to talk to each other and see what works for both of you. 

Corky0905

He does do dishes - rarely.  Does not make the bed or clean bathrooms.  He will take out the trash once a week.  After work, he watches something on sports usually or works on his work project at home in our office.  If I ask him to do something like hang shelves or a picture on a weekday, he groans and says he just wants to relax after a long day at work.  I offer up that walking the dog might help him unwind and burn some anxiety from work but I don't always get a good response.

Disneygeek77

1. only clean your stuff and leave his stuff alone. 

2. have a heart to heart conversation about how this isn't the kind of marriage you want

3.  Maybe try couples counseling, It will probably help for a short time but I doubt it would work in the long term.  

Ultimately though, you will probably have to come to terms with the man you married.  This is who he is and if you wanted someone who was helpful and who rather spend time with you instead of watching sports all day, then you should have married him.  I understand what I said might come across as mean, but please know I truly am trying to be helpful.  At a certain point you have to accept this is the man you willingly chose to marry.

Disneygeek77

1. only clean your stuff and leave his stuff alone. 

2. have a heart to heart conversation about how this isn't the kind of marriage you want

3.  Maybe try couples counseling, It will probably help for a short time but I doubt it would work in the long term.  

Ultimately though, you will probably have to come to terms with the man you married.  This is who he is and if you wanted someone who was helpful and who rather spend time with you instead of watching sports all day, then you should have married him.  I understand what I said might come across as mean, but please know I truly am trying to be helpful.  At a certain point you have to accept this is the man you willingly chose to marry.

Leftie22

In a relationship between two grown adults, I don't think one of them gets to just not do anything around the house. Things need to get done, that's part of being a grown-up, and he needs to grow up and do them. What would he do if he lived on his own? Just order pizza every day and throw the box in a corner? Write down everything that needs to get done weekly, sit him down and split them up. He has to realize that his "relaxing" time means that you don't get to relax. Why should that be the case? Would he be okay with you watching TV all day while he cleans? Probably not. So why is it okay for him to do it? Sounds like it's time for a talk, and for him to realize that you need equal leisure time. Or he can move back in with his mom and act like a 12 year old.

Corky0905

I'm sure part of the problem is that he has only lived with his parents or me, never by himself on his own (i.e., didn't go away to college).  I think some of it is his current job (does take up LOTS of his time, no weekdays off, plus every other weekend), and that job ends this coming summer.  On some level, I'm worried that he's getting clinically depressed (see my other post on getting into shape...) and that's why he won't do anything.

I can't justify "only cleaning my stuff"... do I use another bathroom and shower?  Bedroom? Dishes?

This isn't the man I married, he would clean and give me ideas for dinners etc in the years past.  Is he falling into a rut?  Most likely the job?  Tired of me and trying to show it??

I do like the idea of writing down everything that needs to be done, I will keep a journal to see what all I do to make it not a fantasy list!

Sillygirl45

So, he works 12 days, has 2 days off and starts all over again? I'm sorry, but with that kind of schedule, I don't blame him for wanting to relax. 

Considering the limited time you have together, you need to sit down and figure out what you both can do to make this livable. Maybe one of his days off he does whatever he wants and the other you spend together doing things like walking the dog and hanging shelves.

If he won't talk about it or compromise, you have bigger problems.

GilliC

It sounds like he needs help realizing how much there is to do. I would seriously consider coming up with a general high-level list and discussing a way to divide the responsibilities. This should be fairly straightforward if you work similar hours.

However, once he's fulfilling his share of the responsibilities, it's another kettle of fish entirely how he decides to spend the rest of his time. If he wants to spend it watching sports instead of hanging out with you or going to the gym, that's a completely different set of issues and should be left out of the household work discussion. "But you spend so much time watching sports..." is not an argument for him doing more housework. It doesn't sound like you would be saying "How do I get DH to help more around the house instead of spending all his time at the gym?"

Alternatively, if he really has no energy to contribute more, see if you can find an affordable maid to come by once every week or two to pick up some of the work. I know so many couples who said this was a godsend.

cloudymeatballs

I agree that you both should help and do things around the home, but NEVER ask when sports are on. Lol I am the same way he is, as is my H. We will make sure to do things before the games start, like early in the morning, when you get up and after you have breakfast, he can clean up the kitchen. You can clean the bathroom. Or he can do the laundry, or start it, you fold. My H really doesn't do too much around the house, when it comes to the cleaning. I am OCD about things and would rather do some stuff on my own. Lol He does outside, the lawn, taking out the trash, cleans the car, takes care of the dog etc. I know it obviously bothers you but he works hard, you do too, but I can understand him not wanting to do chores on his only 2 days off. I would honestly start with a little bit at a time. Ask him to do things that don't seem too much yet would help you out. Once you get him doing that small thing and he is doing it, go with some other thing, and then.... And as for the getting in shape, start by taking the dog for a walk together. Key word, together. You both working so much that can even be a little alone time kind of and you two can talk about all of this. It has you out being active and you can discuss, in a non nagging way about what he may be able to contribute. But really, asking while he is watching sports is just a no no. I am a sports freak though and I am fine with that.

cloudymeatballs

I agree that you both should help and do things around the home, but NEVER ask when sports are on. Lol I am the same way he is, as is my H. We will make sure to do things before the games start, like early in the morning, when you get up and after you have breakfast, he can clean up the kitchen. You can clean the bathroom. Or he can do the laundry, or start it, you fold. My H really doesn't do too much around the house, when it comes to the cleaning. I am OCD about things and would rather do some stuff on my own. Lol He does outside, the lawn, taking out the trash, cleans the car, takes care of the dog etc. I know it obviously bothers you but he works hard, you do too, but I can understand him not wanting to do chores on his only 2 days off. I would honestly start with a little bit at a time. Ask him to do things that don't seem too much yet would help you out. Once you get him doing that small thing and he is doing it, go with some other thing, and then.... And as for the getting in shape, start by taking the dog for a walk together. Key word, together. You both working so much that can even be a little alone time kind of and you two can talk about all of this. It has you out being active and you can discuss, in a non nagging way about what he may be able to contribute. But really, asking while he is watching sports is just a no no. I am a sports freak though and I am fine with that.