I want my partner in crime

jacobsgorgeous

So my husband is a great inspiration to me. He's continually pushing me to be better than I am and I love that, but sometimes I miss having a partner in crime. And sometimes I feel that I don't do him justice. That I'm lazy and selfish and don't want to disappoint him. How have you dealt with feeling undeserving of your husband? And how have you balanced the partner in crime side of your husband with the responsible encouraging side of your husband? I just want to hear how others have dealt and what they did.

cloudymeatballs

Wait a minute, why??

cloudymeatballs

You have been very understanding of him in different ways, I remember you. Is he deserving of you should be your question...

Sillygirl45

Huh? I don't understand the partner in crime portion of your question. 

I also don't care to make this into another post where you get upset that everyone is questioning your marriage. Hopefully you will read what I say for what it is. Just an opinion and food for thought. 

You seem very concerned about your part in doing all you can to be deserving of him. I don't get this. What about you? Sure there are times that I am very thankful for my H putting up with me, but I do the same when he is having a moment of being not so fabulous too. Honestly, I've never felt undeserving of him and I hope he doesn't feel undeserving of me either. That's marriage. The good the bad and the ugly. That's what we sign up for (unless the bad and ugly just get too ugly...then that's what divorce is for).

I guess without background regarding what you're getting at, it's hard to understand what you mean. Like why do you think you're selfish and lazy? How do you feel you're not doing him justice? How does he have to "encourage" you? 

WendyGR

I don't get it. Partner in crime like you used to knock over liquor stores together or something?

TarponMonoxide

jacobsgorgeous said:

So my husband is a great inspiration to me. He's continually pushing me to be better than I am and I love that, but sometimes I miss having a partner in crime. And sometimes I feel that I don't do him justice. That I'm lazy and selfish and don't want to disappoint him. How have you dealt with feeling undeserving of your husband? And how have you balanced the partner in crime side of your husband with the responsible encouraging side of your husband? I just want to hear how others have dealt and what they did.

I remember you: you're the one whose husband is in touch with a high school girlfriend...where the timing is odd that she "all of a sudden" wants to be friends with him after he's been married.

What responsible encouraging side can he possibly have? From what you have reported, he's not very responsible at all.

I still think you should call this "marriage" a day and get out. You cannot trust him. Want 50 more potential years of living day to day with this guy? I think not.

Sillygirl45

WendyGR said:

I don't get it. Partner in crime like you used to knock over liquor stores together or something?

OMG, it is happy hour in my house and I do not need red wine stains in my PJ's! Literally LOL.

jacobsgorgeous

I just mean partner in crime like being able to play hooky together to release stress and doing silly things like blowing off hw to go skating. He's constantly encouraging me to focus on my homework and perform well at work. He also is really helpful in attempting new things and getting better habits. And some days I come home feeling like all I've done is sit around in various settings all day (I work in the library) and when he comes home he's bone tired from working really hard at his job. It's that difference that makes me feel a little undeserving sometimes.

And though this has been resolved in another thread, he STILL has not contacted his ex-gf. 

SmrBrd2012

Yeah, I'm really not understanding the question here. I've read the OP like 3 times and I still don't know how to answer. Can you elaborate?

Sillygirl45

jacobsgorgeous said:

I just mean partner in crime like being able to play hooky together to release stress and doing silly things like blowing off hw to go skating. He's constantly encouraging me to focus on my homework and perform well at work. He also is really helpful in attempting new things and getting better habits. And some days I come home feeling like all I've done is sit around in various settings all day (I work in the library) and when he comes home he's bone tired from working really hard at his job. It's that difference that makes me feel a little undeserving sometimes.

And though this has been resolved in another thread, he STILL has not contacted his ex-gf. 

Yeah, I don't know how all of this could have been avoided by waiting until you were more mature to get married. ::sarcasm font::

Ok, but what's done is done (OP, excuse my old ass self with my thoughts on what makes a good marriage...though I'm not the one asking for help because our old asses have mutual respect for one another...but what the hell do I know). What you need to realize is adults don't play hooky. They also don't blow off homework (I'm assuming that's what hw is) to go skating. And no one has to encourage me to do well at work. I already have a very good work ethic. 

My H works 50 hours/wk minimum. I work 20-40. I used to work my ass off at a thankless job...36 hours/wk (three twelves in a row) on my feet..hard physical and mental work...my H was very supportive, but I never thought he was undeserving of me...or me of him. He also works hard at a completely different job that has it's own challenges. We respect each other's chosen fields. 

formerlyGDaisy09

Ok, but what's done is done (OP, excuse my old ass self with my thoughts on what makes a good marriage...though I'm not the one asking for help because our old asses have mutual respect for one another...but what the hell do I know). What you need to realize is adults don't play hooky. They also don't blow off homework (I'm assuming that's what hw is) to go skating. And no one has to encourage me to do well at work. I already have a very good work ethic.

This. Grow up.

Kimbus22

There should be no worries about justice/disappointment/worthiness in a marriage.  It's a partnership. Sometimes you'll be lacking and he'll need to be the bigger person.  Sometimes he'll be lacking and you'll need to be the bigger person.  You're a team.

KatieCutie05

I get what the OP is saying, it can be hard to live with Mr. Responsible all the time. Plus I'm assuming your young without kids so you aren't ready to be perfect all the time quite yet... Although I promise you will love his responsibleness sooner then you think. But it does see like hes grown up before you were ready and now your feeling guity? Every one needs to have fun sometimes too... Do you guys not go out and have fun anymore? There's always a happy medium you just GTA find it. 

Partner in Crime is just an expression that it seems like not many people know of. I used to call my ex best friend my PIC and we never broke any laws or blew off homework that needed to get done... It just meant we had fun, wed go on random adventures, act goofy just because, randomly decide to drive two hours down the shore... That kind of thing. 

Now to you question of feeling undeserving or well not quite good enough, I will say I know that feeling. My husband works 2 jobs now for me, he sold his truck for me, and all this is my fault... Im the one with all the school debt. He would not need to do this if it weren't for me. Sure I still make more then him, barely.... But he works twice as hard and twice as long. I actually find myself saying "thanks for marrying me" quite often cus boy did he get the short end of the stick. To combat it I just do about all the housework and house hold responsibilities so when he gets home he can just relax. And let me tell you it sucks too. But he likes his 2nd job so he does not want to quit, and if I were to get a 2nd job I'd be making minimum wage, I really wouldn't ever see him, and the house would be a mess and totally not right for the doggies... So it just works for us, even if its not fair. 

GilliC

I don't see why he can't do both.

He should encourage you to get your stuff done in a timely, efficient manner, so that you have enough time in the evening to go knock over a liquor store skating.

jacobsgorgeous

KatieCutie05 said:

I get what the OP is saying, it can be hard to live with Mr. Responsible all the time. Plus I'm assuming your young without kids so you aren't ready to be perfect all the time quite yet... Although I promise you will love his responsibleness sooner then you think. But it does see like hes grown up before you were ready and now your feeling guity? Every one needs to have fun sometimes too... Do you guys not go out and have fun anymore? There's always a happy medium you just GTA find it. 

Partner in Crime is just an expression that it seems like not many people know of. I used to call my ex best friend my PIC and we never broke any laws or blew off homework that needed to get done... It just meant we had fun, wed go on random adventures, act goofy just because, randomly decide to drive two hours down the shore... That kind of thing. 

Now to you question of feeling undeserving or well not quite good enough, I will say I know that feeling. My husband works 2 jobs now for me, he sold his truck for me, and all this is my fault... Im the one with all the school debt. He would not need to do this if it weren't for me. Sure I still make more then him, barely.... But he works twice as hard and twice as long. I actually find myself saying "thanks for marrying me" quite often cus boy did he get the short end of the stick. To combat it I just do about all the housework and house hold responsibilities so when he gets home he can just relax. And let me tell you it sucks too. But he likes his 2nd job so he does not want to quit, and if I were to get a 2nd job I'd be making minimum wage, I really wouldn't ever see him, and the house would be a mess and totally not right for the doggies... So it just works for us, even if its not fair. 

Katie I really appreciate your honest post and focus on helping. I guess people don't really under PIC. He often refers to his best man as his PIC where they have fun together and can be a little mischievous. And I like having that kind of relationship with my husband too. I understand I still having growing to do, I don't think we ever stop growing mentally and emotionally. It was just something I was wondering about, that balance of two different sides. I know of some people who are ONLY PIC, but they aren't very good at being responsible with their relationship and then I know people on the opposite spectrum. I never want to be on one end of the spectrum, but I would like to achieve a balance.

P.S. What does GTA mean?

TarponMonoxide

jacobsgorgeous said:

I just mean partner in crime like being able to play hooky together to release stress and doing silly things like blowing off hw to go skating. He's constantly encouraging me to focus on my homework and perform well at work. He also is really helpful in attempting new things and getting better habits. And some days I come home feeling like all I've done is sit around in various settings all day (I work in the library) and when he comes home he's bone tired from working really hard at his job. It's that difference that makes me feel a little undeserving sometimes.

And though this has been resolved in another thread, he STILL has not contacted his ex-gf. 

Are you so sure of that?

There are many ways he can remain in touch with her.

I can't figure out why you even married this guy. The 2 of you are way too young to be married -- this is all a maturity thing (and I'm waiting for the OP to go Oh but we are so mature for our age...) YOu don't trust him. And I doubt very much you regained his trust with no qualms attached.

ah625

GTA means Grand Theft Auto.

Tofumonkey

jacobsgorgeous said:

I just mean partner in crime like being able to play hooky together to release stress and doing silly things like blowing off hw to go skating. He's constantly encouraging me to focus on my homework and perform well at work. He also is really helpful in attempting new things and getting better habits. And some days I come home feeling like all I've done is sit around in various settings all day (I work in the library) and when he comes home he's bone tired from working really hard at his job. It's that difference that makes me feel a little undeserving sometimes.

And though this has been resolved in another thread, he STILL has not contacted his ex-gf. 

Well, I think it is quite obvious that at this stage you don't deserve him. You work in a library and go to school. It's not actually any kind of valuable work unless you are stressed or sweating. Everybody knows that. Maybe you should get a job as a nurse or a construction worker?

How do you make yourself worthy for him, you ask? Well, I hope you can cook and are a demon in the sack. Answer the door when he comes home with a martini in hand for him and make sure you are gentle when you take off his shoes (men hate it when you scuff up their shoes!). Make sure his dinner is never late and if he goes ahead and starts contact again with his high school girlfriend from when he was in high school last year it's probably because you're not pleasing him sexually. Or maybe you should try a new hairstyle. Make sure you ask him for permission, first. Then your dad (whoops, I meant husband) won't be so focused on encouraging and teaching you to be a responsible, successful adult with good habits and varied interests. The bastard.

***

OP, I know that you are very resistant to things like counseling, but the sense of self-worth you display (not the mask of confidence) is something that you really need to address, not just for yourself but for your marriage to last. Your husband either wants a dependent, child-like wife to care for or he (hopefully) wants a partner in life. The only barrier to you being a teammate and partner in his life is your perceptions of yourself and your own actions.

Sillygirl45

Tofumonkey said:

jacobsgorgeous said:

I just mean partner in crime like being able to play hooky together to release stress and doing silly things like blowing off hw to go skating. He's constantly encouraging me to focus on my homework and perform well at work. He also is really helpful in attempting new things and getting better habits. And some days I come home feeling like all I've done is sit around in various settings all day (I work in the library) and when he comes home he's bone tired from working really hard at his job. It's that difference that makes me feel a little undeserving sometimes.

And though this has been resolved in another thread, he STILL has not contacted his ex-gf. 

Well, I think it is quite obvious that at this stage you don't deserve him. You work in a library and go to school. It's not actually any kind of valuable work unless you are stressed or sweating. Everybody knows that. Maybe you should get a job as a nurse or a construction worker?

How do you make yourself worthy for him, you ask? Well, I hope you can cook and are a demon in the sack. Answer the door when he comes home with a martini in hand for him and make sure you are gentle when you take off his shoes (men hate it when you scuff up their shoes!). Make sure his dinner is never late and if he goes ahead and starts contact again with his high school girlfriend from when he was in high school last year it's probably because you're not pleasing him sexually. Or maybe you should try a new hairstyle. Make sure you ask him for permission, first. Then your dad (whoops, I meant husband) won't be so focused on encouraging and teaching you to be a responsible, successful adult with good habits and varied interests. The bastard.

***

OP, I know that you are very resistant to things like counseling, but the sense of self-worth you display (not the mask of confidence) is something that you really need to address, not just for yourself but for your marriage to last. Your husband either wants a dependent, child-like wife to care for or he (hopefully) wants a partner in life. The only barrier to you being a teammate and partner in his life is your perceptions of yourself and your own actions.

You forgot to mention that Friday martins should be served wearing an apron...and nothing else. Every good wife knows that.

Tofumonkey

So THAT'S why my marriage is struggling!