Husband's fetish is bothering me...

bizmom

My husband has a sex fetish that I'm not to crazy about... and I think it has put a wedge on our/my sex drive. We always seem to fight about our sex life...
Am I wrong for wanting normal, plain vanilla sex with some occasional more heated intimacy? I do not enjoy or want to do the thing he wants, I feel it's just weird. Does that mean I'm a bad wife that isn't fulfilling my husband's needs? Am I'm being selfish?

artbyallie

Come on now, you can't just not say what fetish it is.

But no, it's not wrong to not enjoy a particular activity and not engage in it even if it's what your partner would like. But it's on him to decide if not getting this desire fulfilled is a relationship dealbreaker and worth divorcing over.

TarponMonoxide

bizmom said:

My husband has a sex fetish that I'm not to crazy about... and I think it has put a wedge on our/my sex drive. We always seem to fight about our sex life... Am I wrong for wanting normal, plain vanilla sex with some occasional more heated intimacy? I do not enjoy or want to do the thing he wants, I feel it's just weird. Does that mean I'm a bad wife that isn't fulfilling my husband's needs? Am I'm being selfish?

You are certainly not obligated to say what the fetish is, but whtever it is: if you are not comfortable participating in it, he shouldn't be resentful or demand that you do so.

You have needs, too, even if your needs consist of a half hour of vanilla sex with just the missionary position.:)  He is obligated to make YOU happy.

Talk to him about this -- it's a must --- and he is to make sure you are happy. GL.

bizmom

Thank you for your replies...
We have had multiple conversations about our sex life and it never gets resolved. He says he's always the one to try to spruce things up in the bedroom and always is trying to please me along with his needs, and for the record, he does.... but it always has to involve with what HE wants. He'll give me "my sex" but also wants "his" in return. So all the effort he puts in, I'm turned off by it.

I've just told him yesterday (in huge fight now) that I don't enjoy "it", mentally or physically, and he blew up(with a lot if other things said, but also) saying that I should want to please him with what makes him happy and that I'm selfish for trying to take that away from him. ??

doeydo

What an asshole.  Don't ever feel guilty or like you aren't a good enough wife for not participating in sexual activity that you are not comfortable with.  Perhaps you two should see a sex therapist.

oldbugle

This is difficult because, of your own admission, he DOES supply what YOU need.....

The problem is that, as ever, we don't know how 'unreasonable' his needs are,...However, unless it is painful, demeaning or revolting to you then you either have to indulge his need or essentially allow your relationship to end.

The therapist idea will only work if his 'need' is such that he can be persuaded that it is unreasonable for you to provide.     It's all very well to say that you should not "have" to do something you dislike but at the end of the day you are incompatible unless you can meet eachothers sincere needs.

If this (heaven forbid!) went to a divorce would his need/behaviour be considered to be legally 'unreasonable',....if the answer is 'yes' then you can 'reasonably' ask him to change or stop making that demand.

artbyallie

As I said, if you don't like "it," (and I'm still dying to know what 'it' is--but I'm nosy) you don't have to do it.

Sex is not a trade, 'my' sex for 'your' sex. If he doesn't like whatever he does to please you, he doesn't have to do that either. And if he can't live without this particular sex act, he can go fuck himself, pun intended. If he feels this makes the two of you incompatible, he needs to leave rather than pressure you to do something you have repeatedly told him you don't enjoy.

It's not supposed to be tit for tat unless you both actually like that. For instance, I am quite fortunate that H loves giving oral but doesn't particularly care for receiving it. He'd rather have vaginal intercourse any day. So he goes down on me quite often and I only rarely 'return the favor,' because he never asks for it.

doeydo

artbyallie said:

As I said, if you don't like "it," (and I'm still dying to know what 'it' is--but I'm nosy) you don't have to do it.

Sex is not a trade, 'my' sex for 'your' sex. If he doesn't like whatever he does to please you, he doesn't have to do that either. And if he can't live without this particular sex act, he can go fuck himself, pun intended. If he feels this makes the two of you incompatible, he needs to leave rather than pressure you to do something you have repeatedly told him you don't enjoy.

It's not supposed to be tit for tat unless you both actually like that. For instance, I am quite fortunate that H loves giving oral but doesn't particularly care for receiving it. He'd rather have vaginal intercourse any day. So he goes down on me quite often and I only rarely 'return the favor,' because he never asks for it.

Is it wrong that I'm jealous?  LOL

artbyallie

@doeydo I'm a lucky woman

lifeguard

  Something strange going on here and while the report is one sided............... It would be interesting to have some background and  hear what hubby has to say ?
  There was a time when I thought having sex with the lights on was really wild.

SlurpeeLove

At the risk of going against the crowd here, I'm going to say that if your husband does your vanilla sex to make you happy, you should consider doing whatever it is to make him happy.  There is a certain level of compromise involved in being married.  You certainly aren't obligated, but you both need to sit down and have a real conversation about how this is affecting your relationship.  Someone suggested  seeking a sex therapist, and I second that idea.  Maybe there is a way to include both in one session without either of you getting turned off.

artbyallie

But @SlurpeeLove, she said she doesn't enjoy it, which implies she has tried. Compromise is all well and good, but she's not obligated to do something she doesn't like. Conversely, it doesn't appear that he has any problem with what she does enjoy. And as I said, if not getting 'his' sex is a dealbreaker, he should have the decency to end the relationship instead of continuing to pressure her to do something she's uncomfortable doing.

SlurpeeLove

@artbyallie, It's hard to judge what should be done without knowing the specifics, but I understand why she may not want to divulge the exact details.  Of course, if it makes her uncomfortable, she shouldn't feel obligated.  But in marriage, there should be some compromise.  That being said, her husband should never make her feel bad for not performing what he would consider sexy acts when she is clearly uncomfortable with them.  Also, there is no way of knowing how he feels about "vanilla sex" since he is not here to voice his opinion. 

Further, if this marriage is only about sex, it has deeper rooted problems than a fetish.

oldbugle

@artbyballie......Everything you say is true, but that does NOT mean the other side of the story must be untrue.....   The fact is we don't really know what this is about, or wether he does actually have a "fetish", or if his behaviour is legally 'unreasonable'.

People who marry take on the emotional and moral duty to be a life partner,...which means that they WANT to help and fullfill their spouse as much as they can.    Hopefully, they know about any 'inclinations' BEFORE they marry so they can make a decision to not go thru with it if that inclination is too extreme for them....

.....So, no, she should not feel "obligated", but she did marry him presumably knowing his needs.

The fact is that many married couples have disparate needs and inclinations but try to meet eachothers desires.    Divorce judges (here in the UK) look at wether those desires/behaviours are 'unreasonable' to the other partner, and also wetehr that partner KNEW about them before marriage.

Unfortunately, many people fall out of love and lose the desire to fullfill their partners needs and that may be happening here.

DawnLilly

Compromise. It doesn't have to be vanilla but you don't have to do anything you don't want to. If he wants analysis and you don't like it, he shouldn't expect you to do it just because. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be open to venturing out and have vaginal intercourse doggy style on the coffee table once in a while.

You can resolve this by sending him a message or a picture doing something provocative and tell him you are willing to explore other things with him but you just do not enjoy whatever "his sex" is. You'd like explore your intimacy in other ways but he has to accept that that (whatever it is) is a turn off for you and to not push you or make you feel guilty.

EDIT: My phone is vanilla. I meant anal not analysis.

artbyallie

@SlurpeeLove

@oldbugle

It seems like what you're ultimately saying, though, is that he (or anyone in a relationship) is entitled to his pleasure at her expense. And you're just not going to convince me that's right. And what on earth is 'legally' unreasonable supposed to mean? If she doesn't want it and declines, then it's IMO completely fucking unreasonable to continue to push for it.

SlurpeeLove

@artbyallie, I don't think you actually read what I wrote.  I'm not saying she should have to do anything she doesn't want to.  I'm saying we don't know both sides and I did say he was wrong to make her feel guilty for not doing what he wanted.  

GeeWilakers

If your husband is a true fetishists then you need to realize that there is 0 chance of him not wanting and psychology needing his fetish. This isn't like having a fondness for something. This is engranded in your husband and can't be separated by anything less than castration. The fact that he loves you dispite your difficulties with it is evidence of alot of love, but he will always be like this.