Husband's Smoking Problem

Jaz+Mike

My husband used to smoke a lot; like 1.5 packs of cigarettes a day. I told him that it really bothered me that he smoked, especially since I was pregnant and didn't want that around me or our unborn son. So, he stopped smoking cigarettes, for which I was extremely proud of him for. We are now pregnant with our second child, and now he's smoking cigars. Again, I don't like it because I don't want it to be around me, our unborn daughter, and my son, who has asthma. But he refuses to stop and just says I don't care about what he enjoys and I'm just trying to change him and says its his stress relief. I just really don't like him smoking. First, I am extremely concerned about all of our health; I had a grandfather who died from lung cancer due to smoking all his life. And second, we are already tight on money, and it's like he doesn't care that his habit costs us money that we don't have. I don't know what to do. He tells me that I'm overreacting, and I'm not sure that I am, but my hormones are all crazy with being pregnant, so I could be. I'm just not sure. This is literally the biggest thing we argue about, and I'm not sure how I should handle this. Anyone else out there who has gone through this and have advice? Thanks in advance!

puppylove2014

Is he smoking in the house? I don't think you're overreacting. You have a child with asthma. Your husband is a selfish ass if he is smoking anything around him. That has to stop immediately.

Aside from that, I would suggest an allowance. He has x amount of disposable income a week. If he wants to waste it on cigars (that he smokes OUTSIDE) so be it.

VOR

O.k. - I'm going to look at the two separate issues here.

1- The smoking.  I hate to be trite, but you married a smoker.  To a degree, I agree with him.  You're trying to change him.  And really - smoking is an addiction.  It's not as simple as "here is ___ reason why you need to quit" and then ta-da!!  they quit.  It has to be something HE wants to do for himself. 

That being said, I get your angst.  My mom died of lung cancer.  DH was there through that.  He saw what it did to her.  But he still likes to smoke an occasional cigar.  It bugs me and he knows it, but at the same time, I'm also not going to harp on him for it.  It's something he enjoys doing (and really, we're talking MAYBE one a week, if even that.) and he's an adult and is allowed to make this choice. 

Now - to what puppylove asked, where is he smoking and how often?  DH pretty much only smokes when DS isn't home or is in bed and it's clearly outside.  And once he's done, he puts everything he was wearing into the wash. 

I would at least create certain boundaries - the kids have to be asleep and he has to be far from the house. 

2- Money.  If his smoking cigars really is hitting your budget (and is it REALLY??  Be honest about this), then talk to him about the budget.  "Here's what we have, here's what X, Y, and Z (including his cigars) costs us".  And then ASK him what he thinks HE can do to make up for the deficit.  Put it on him to help find a solution. 

You've got to approach this from a different angle to a degree.  BUT you also have to admit that you married a smoker.  I would LOVE if "quit because I want you to" worked.  Trust me.  I get it.  BUT, again, he's an adult and this is a choice he's allowed to make.  As much as you hate it.  It's not on you to make him stop. 

But create rules about when/where he can smoke and include him on the budget discussion when it comes to how this habit is affecting things.

TarponMonoxide

Jaz+Mike said:

My husband used to smoke a lot; like 1.5 packs of cigarettes a day. I told him that it really bothered me that he smoked, especially since I was pregnant and didn't want that around me or our unborn son. So, he stopped smoking cigarettes, for which I was extremely proud of him for. We are now pregnant with our second child, and now he's smoking cigars. Again, I don't like it because I don't want it to be around me, our unborn daughter, and my son, who has asthma. But he refuses to stop and just says I don't care about what he enjoys and I'm just trying to change him and says its his stress relief. I just really don't like him smoking. First, I am extremely concerned about all of our health; I had a grandfather who died from lung cancer due to smoking all his life. And second, we are already tight on money, and it's like he doesn't care that his habit costs us money that we don't have. I don't know what to do. He tells me that I'm overreacting, and I'm not sure that I am, but my hormones are all crazy with being pregnant, so I could be. I'm just not sure. This is literally the biggest thing we argue about, and I'm not sure how I should handle this. Anyone else out there who has gone through this and have advice? Thanks in advance!

I agree:

If you were not crazy about those who smoke, you should not have dated,let alone married, a smoker.

It's notoriously tough to quit and as you know, the smoker has to want to give up smoking because it is his or her own decision and to do it for themself not somebody else. 

BlueBirdMB

I have asthma issues.  My grandparents, who are both smokers, never smoked around me.  They smoked outside.  I'm horrified his father wouldn't do what's best for him and not smoke around him.  I'm horrified he would smoke around a pregnant woman.  These seem to be your issues, and they are issues that are unrelated to the simple fact of you marrying a smoker.  

He should smoke outside while you are pregnant or while your son is around.  In fact he should always smoke outside since smoke can permeate a house and clothes, and your son shouldn't be around that.  I always got slightly congested at my grandparent's house, even though they smoked outside, and we always washed our clothes the moment we returned home.

It's unfair to expect him to quit.  It's true, you did marry a smoker.  It's hard to quit, but he needs to smoke outside exclusively. 

magsugar13

You shouldnt have married a smoker if you didnt want to be with a smoker simple as that.

However, he would and should not be allowed to smoke in the house. there is no deal making in that department.

LD1970

I not only hate smoking, but am allergic to cigarette smoke and am mildly asthmatic.

I married a smoker.

I knew from the day I met him that it was neither my place nor my job to make him stop.  

However, I did need, because of my allergies, to lay down ground rules, which he respected and followed, because he loves me.  He never smoked in the house, cars, garage, basement, attic.  He never walked next to or in front of me while smoking.  And when he'd had a cigarette, he had to wait to get in a car with me or sit anywhere near me.

I met him March 29, 2008.  In early July 2013, he finally, of his own volition and accord, chose to try e-cigs, and he has since quit smoking entirely.  His choice, his endeavor, his success.  Had I bugged him about it, it would not have happened; I know that.

So, part one is:  You married a smoker, your choice, tough shit.
Part two is:  He shouldn't be smoking around your kids and pregnant self, and needs to compromise on the parameters.

vpine

My husband smokes, I'm pregnant. He smokes outside but yet it still bugs me because his hair smells, sometimes he will cover his hair but not daily. He always changes clothes when he comes back in the house, doesn't smoke in car, has tried e cigs but said they caused heartburn. He has cut down to half a pack a day, he has pills he asked dr to prescribe but hasn't taken any yet. I nag on and off honestly and it does suck but I have to someday accept that it won't change unless he decides to stop on his own.

LD1970

vpine said:

My husband ..., has tried e cigs but said they caused heartburn. 

Same happened with my H, but he pushed through it.  They also killed his throat for a while.  Apparently, as you step down the milligrams of nicotine, that lessens a LOT.  By the time he was at 12 mg it was a lot less, and at 6 & then 3, it didn't bother him at all.

If your H really wants to quit smoking, and would otherwise like using e-cigs to do it, let him know that.  Apparently, e-cigs have the highest success rate of any smoking cessation method (79%).