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Do you ever feel insecure in your marriage?
I know this is supposed to be a happy board, but I have had some things on my mind that I need to talk to someone about. So I wanted to talk to you ladies and get your input on this.
I know my husband is not the most affectionate and romantic person in the world, I get that. But here lately I've been having a hard time accepting that. I know he loves me, but I just wish he would show it more. Yes he'll give me pecks on the lips and yes we cuddle for a few minutes in bed before we go to sleep at night. But I just don't feel like that's enough. I just find myself questioning if he really loves me. Everytime I bring it up he gets very defensive. I wish I had an easier way to deal with it. Is this something I just need to let go and learn to accept? Has anybody else been in this situation?
Re: Do you ever feel insecure in your marriage?
Not insecure exactly, but we were talking about this the other night. DH and I are still affectionate but we've gotten lazy about spending time together just us.
Between work, family, the house, and hobbies we haven't spent as much time on eachother as we'd like. We agreed to have 1 date night, dinner/movie/walk something where we spend time just the 2 of us and 1 night a week we'll watch a show we both like, no computers no phones just us.
We started this week and it really has helped us feel closer again. Maybe suggest a date night or cuddling up w/ a movie together that way he doesn't feel like you're upset w/ him and maybe the habit of time together will help?
Sorry so long.
hmmmm....I mean, I can't say that I have ever felt the same way you seem to be feeling in your marriage right now, but I do know that times get stressful, and sometimes, B and I just want to keep to ourselves for a while. Like, we just want to get out of each others hair every now and then. I don't ever feel insecure by that though.
I know when I was working the 4 10's, the amount of time I spent at work really wore me down...and I don't know if maybe that has something to do with the way you are feeling right now?
What are some things that you wish James was doing that he isn't doing right now?
I know that every now and then, DH and I just sit and talk about the things we feel are working really well for us (be it relationship wise, financially, whatever), and we will focus on the things that maybe aren't working so well for us, and we will just simply ask each other "What can I do to make this a better situation for us?" or "What do you need from me that I am not providing right now?". I have found that communication and posing those questions like that really makes us think about the other...or what we might need to work on in the marriage.
We always feel a lot closer and feel that we have a lot more understanding after those talks.
Does this help at all?
Lauren - I just want him to randomly come up to me with a hug and a kiss and say "I love you". He used to do that the first few years of our relationship, but the past year or two it just fizzled. I just want more sponteinety (sp). I do agree with you that we both need our space and that's what makes a relationship healthy.
The 4-10's definitely wear me down...plus since I workout with my trainer at the gym for an hour 2 nights when I get off work after a long day probably isn't helping either. But next week is my last week on 4-10's so I'm hoping after that it'll start getting better. James has also had alot going on between school, work, and ROTC so I know he's definitely stressed. So that may have alot to do with it.
I just wish I could let go of these insecure feelings because I know that will be the big factor in improving our relationship. We've had fight after fight after fight about it and I feel like the more we fight the more I'm pushing him away.
I highly suggest you read The Five Love Languages. It really helped me to understand DH was showing me love, I just didn't realize it. It is great.
Our biggest issue is figuring out what our quality time is. For him, just being in the same room is being together. I do not feel that me on one side of the room reading a book while he is on the other side of the room playing XBOX is quality time. It has been an adjustment to learn to compromise on time spent together and to realize that neither of us is right or wrong...just different.
((hugs))
i know how you feel, girl. i am WAY more affectionate that dh is. but i guess that is just my personality. sometimes i feel as though i am "smothering" dh with my affection. i KNOW that he loves me, and we have different ways of showing it (even though at times i get frustrated that he doesn't show it the way I want him to - lol). but i completely understand what you are going through. i'm not sure if you have ever read the book "the five love languages", but this really helped me understand that we both have different ways of expressing love towards each other. i would really recommend it - it's a great book/easy read.
I think everyone has great advice here... But just playing the devils advocate-
Do you think that possibly he's feeling a little withdrawn and frustrated because you're questioning his feelings about you? I've come to learn that men don't really function well with this kind of communication. I mean think about it- us girls will go through things like this- "she hasn't hung out with me in two weeks and we always seem to be playing phone tag... she must be mad at me" and then we work it out, we cry, we have a GNO and make up, and that's sort of how we deal with our needs not being met with each other.
Guys in general don't really work like that. In my experience, when I have said to a guy (even my dh in the past) "I've noticed that you're different, do you not feel the same way?", they sort of get some kind of performance anxiety and clam up OR they get frustrated and dig in their heels out of being stubbon.
For instance, to Jason, showing me he loves me is more along the lines of protecting me, fixing my stuff when I break it, paying the majority of the bills, and in general making sure that I am happy and healthy. You know, guy stuff. So in the past, when I have gone through this little thing with him, he would think "I don't love you?? Then why am I paying our bills, keeping you safe and warm, etc etc etc."
When I've felt like you have in the past (jason and I had a rocky relationship the first year into things), I finally had to sit down with myself, look myself in the face and realize that deep down I knew Jason loved me. I just felt emotionally/physically/whatever neglected and in the swing of life that need wasn't being met. It wasn't anything on purpose. Guys just seem to think "we're in the same room, we're spending time together", when we tend to think "he's over there reading a book while I'm watching tv. This is not quality time! Snuggle me!"
This pattern finally ended when instead of blaming Jason for his lack of feelings being the cause of lack of intimacy, I just started telling him (nicely:)) "I need to be held more" or "do you think you could kiss me like this more often?".
Also, do you think that subconsiously you could be withdrawing physically because your emotional needs aren't being met and he's reading your vibes and backing off?
That makes sense, you're both really busy right now and that's probably all there is to it. It sounds like it's just a phase b/c of everything that's going on in your lives right now.
Sounds like you're doing what you can for now.
This book is really helpful! DH is not very affectionate either therefore, we have similar issues and this helped me understand him so much more sooo when i get in a huffy place (and i do!) this makes me understand that when he makes the bed he means he loves me
And he gets that i'm lovey and touchy were he is not. here is a link for you to check it out.
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/
Since we bought our house in April, we have been working constantly on it. Too the point where DH has turned into such an angry person. Not directly towards me but just in general. He's just worn out and tired of working on the house but at the same time we are both so ready to get in it. At first I took it personlly as an attack against me, but when we started to really talk abou it then I understood what was happening. That poor man has worked his hands to the bone. For both of us. I try to show him how thankfull I am for him. Like next weekend we are going to a Southern Miss gam in Hattiesburg then a Saints game N.O. I don't want to say anything to affend you but maybe you could do something that would really show him how much you love him and how gratefull you are to have him in your life. Maybe that would open his eys to how thankfull he is for you. I hope that makes sense. I think we all hit hard times in our marriages and we will alaways have our insecurities but our DH's married us because they LOVE us. Maybe should take a step back and just really focus on all the little things. You may find that he shows his love for you in all the little things.
Mine is "quality time" as well, and jason's is "physical touch". He doesn't just want to be hugged and touched and cuddled, it's like vital to his wellbeing. I just want to know that I'm the first priority in jason's busy schedule
Thank you so much for all of your advice! To the ladies that suggested the Five Love Languages, I'll definitely pick that book up. I think it was Jenny who posted the link and I read his advice to couples section and that alone helped me. What AM said was pretty right on. I know he's frustrated with me questioning things all the time and who can blame him? I think it's because I don't look at the bigger picture. Just because he doesn't hug me and say I love you all the time doesn't me that he don't. I look too much for the physical and emotional aspect of it and don't think about the fact that he pays the bills, cooks dinner, vaccuums, does the dishes and laundry, and make sure I check the oil in my car regularly is the things that shows that he loves me. You girls are awesome. Thanks again!
I agree with the others about Five Love Languages. Good read. A little corny at times, but very useful!?
I was an 'acts of service' and one other, but can't remember which. DH was 'physical touch' (what a shocker, i know!). Very insightful though. We got it as a wedding gift from my hair dresser.?
Everybody else has pretty much already said this. But, I think communication really is key. Just a conversation between the two of you that isn't heated or accusatory. Ask him if there is anything you can do differently in your relationship that would make him happy. It works both ways.
He may not realize how you feel. A while back DH and I had a big discussion because apparently he felt like he was the one always stepping forward and going above and beyond for me - making dinners, giving backrubs, filling up my car with gas as a surprise - and I guess I got so used to it I started not to notice the little things. If he hadn't said something about it I may have just continued to take it all for granted.
I totally agree w/all of the PP's.
I've come to realize that with my DH, positive reactions work MUCH BETTER than negative ones. Jane had some really good points, work with the positives and do to him what you want done. In turn, he would pick up on the positive vibes and recipricate them to you.
Also, when you guys talk about these things, tell him 3 things you like him to do and follow up with one thing that you'd like him to do more. i.e what I call the rule of three, 3 positives with one negative, that way he won't feel like he's being attacked and you still get your point across.
Like AM said, guys express love so differently than women, when he's a protector and provider that's showing his love, when you show affection, that's showing your love.
I know it's a rough road, b/c Dh and I have been this way before, yet I feel if you do some of the suggestions, that things will improve for you.
it's really interesting to see how the languages change over time. when we first read the book and took the little quiz, mine was (and i can't remember the actual name) "receiving gifts and dh's was "physical touch". now i would probably say that mine is a combo of "quality time" and "acts of service", and i think dh's would still be "physical touch"
I know my dh is not a affectionate as he used to be. It bothers me too. But the other things he does for me lets me know he still loves me. I think many people go through something like this but it just helps to talk about it. GL!
LeeLee what is the name of the book you are talking about and who is the author? It sounds like a good book.