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Please help!! Need advice!!
My SO and I have been dating (and now living together) for 2.5 years and our relationship is actually pretty great. However, things slowed down in the bedroom when we moved in together (which I've heard in normal), and I had also stumbled across porn on the computer. We had a conversation about this, and I brought up that maybe he wasn't as interested in sex with me because he was doing this. He was mad, embarrassed, and upset, saying that all people masturbate (which I agree), and that he hasn't changed his habits since we started dating.
All I asked at this time was that he would refrain from ever masturbating while I'm home (he admitted that he had done it in the shower while I've been in the next room). I feel like this is just basic respect (maybe I'm wrong). I feel as if I'm a willing partner (I have NEVER turned him down), that it's really bizarre that he would go in another room and do that. This sounds very childish, but I thought he was being honest because he looked me in the eye, and promised he wouldn't do that while I was home since it upset me....
One day last month, he finally said that he wanted to set a boundary in our relationship and he only wanted to take showers alone because when he got up in the morning he wants to be in there by himself and is just too tired to interact. I said ok. This was last month.
This morning I got up and needed to get ready. I hopped in the shower with him, and what is he doing? Masturbating. He got extremely mad (and I'm sure embarrassed), and told me that he is going to break up with me because I 'grossly invaded his boundaries'. I thought, maybe I invaded your boundaries, but what about the fact that you lied to me when you said you would only masturbate when I'm not home? I felt disrespected too, but he said I was completely in the wrong. He doesn't even want to talk to me now. He says this is entirely my fault, and that there is no way we are going to be in a relationship now.
I just don't know what to think...please give advice, because apparently he now wants me to find a new apartment. THanks!!
Re: Please help!! Need advice!!
I think it's a big red flag that he's jumping to "we're breaking up" as soon as a little problem comes around. Is this what he'd do if you were married? Is this how he normally is with conflict?
Can you talk to him about the masturbating? Maybe it wasn't reasonable to say "not when I'm home" maybe he needs that release in the morning? How did you react when you saw him? This is something that should be able to be talked about. The way he's reacted is the bigger concern.
He does sometimes overreact/exaggerate and then apologizes later in the day. We don't have things like this happen often. He hates conflict, and is also a pretty private person in terms of today's standards. I think this is why he feels that I crossed some huge boundary by doing something he told me he doesn't like...
I have no idea how he would act in marriage. I don't even know if we are getting married - he always talks about it and talks about the future but at the same time will say, "What's the rush?" I'm confused because I love him, we truly are the best of friends, have many interests in common, and have a lot of the same life goals. I guess that I may have been too harsh(?) about asking him not to maturbate while I'm home...we have discussed it, and I actually thought at that time that we were on the same page. We had both said we thought it was normal, and that we would do it when the other wasn't around...
He was being dramatic, but for him to want you to move out might be an indicator that there are more issues than you think. Give it time and see if he's serious. I dated my husband for 6 years before we got MARRIED and his favorite all time quote was ..."If you don't like it you can leave". It used to piss me off, hurt me all of the above, then I realized he only said that for shockvalue. I do want to remind you I'm just a spectator and don't know the ins and outs of ya'll relationship or him.
However, IMO and only IMO you have no right to "control" what he does when he's in the shower. You've told him and he knows how you feel, but as much as you feel disrespected because he's doing it , he probably feels like your trying to control him. If your allowing him to masturbate while your not at home how can you say its wrong when you are? If masturbating was out completely I would understand, but your giving him rules on a basic want of a man. I've been married for 2 years , dated my husband for 6 and just found out last year he masturbated in the shower.
Do you think he's doing it to hurt you,or just knock one out real quick and move on? Would you be opposed to doing it for him if yall are home together?
I don't want to upset you or sound rude, this is just my opinion.Hope he gets over it.
I'm 27 and he is 33.
Thanks for the input! I guess that does sound controlling when you put it that way - I hadn't considered that. I certainly don't think he is doing it to hurt me...now actually thinking about it, he is very routine and it is probably something he has done for years in the morning. And I certainly wouldn't be opposed to helping out, however, he is usually out of bed, in the shower, and out the door in 15 minutes. Maybe it is just easier that he does it himself
Is he still upset with you? I hope he wasn't being serious about moving out. When you date and get married you fight over the stupid stuff. A couple of months I had a huge fight with my husband in my head over a similar issue. If I had taken my issue to him it would've been 10x worse and alienated his privacy, so I kept it in and moved on, it really wasn't worth me being upset and embarrassing him. My SIL had to put it too me as, sometimes its quicker and easier for them to just handle it themselves and continue with their day. Who really knows how long they've been "Taking care of business in the shower'.
Hope everything works out for the best 
Requesting he stop masturbating?
Uh, wow. What is wrong with masturbation? Don't you masturbate? (If not, I suggest you do)
I think that you are equating masturbating with cheating on you, since you've mentioned your sex life with him has slowed down a bit.
You've got some sort of an issue against masturbation --- maybe you were brought up in a sexually rigid household and you were told masturbation is wrong and dirty and that nobody should do it.
I feel like just like women sometimes aren't in the mood for sex, sometimes guys aren't either. That doesn't mean they don't still need a release and that's where the hand comes in. I understand the feeling of wanting him to come to you for it, but not all guys are wired that way. Some times it is just easier to go for hand than to get into the whole sex thing, and if you're stressed or in a hurry, why not just go for the hand? (I probably would).
Also, sometimes guys get a random and sudden fear of long-term commitment (past just living together) and feel the need to set boundaries so they have some control over that out of control feeling (like "we don't have to have sex, i can still do it my self" or "I can get some alone time in the shower"). Sometimes you need the boundaries to feel human and individual. So ask before hopping in the shower with him, don't just go it (like if you were on the toilet you might not want him to just bust in and brush his teeth).
Please, Don't think i am saying "he's right you're wrong" because that is NOT it, but you are both human and thus are different from each other. For you, maybe being available for sex whenever he want's it is a way that you feel like you are a good partner. That you love him and want to satisfy his needs. For him, he may not see it that way, but that doesn't mean either of you are right or wrong, it means you both have a little work to do to understand and cope with each other.
Hang in there, let him know that you didn't mean to upset him and that you just wanted to be together with him. Give yourselves some time and be willing to forgive each other and let go of the little things. Sex/pleasure difference happen. It is how we work with them, that make us stronger as a couple.
You have no right to tell him how he can or can't touch his own body.
This exactly. I don't get you telling him he shouldn't masturbate when you are around.
Hi, please see my post above about pornography. This is really strange behavior, and unfortunately, where pornography is involved, addiction is a possibility - addictions often result in weird reactions/behavior that is out of character for the person. Good luck to you.
We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011 at 20 weeks. She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.
And FFS - if my H was up my asss constantly to the point that I couldn't even shower in private, I'd be "breaking up" with him too. Your boyfriend can't have 10 minutes alone in the shower, and when you step in and find him jerking off (it's totally possible to want an orgasm without wanting to deal with sex, you know), you probably either got all pouty or all pissed off. Yeah, if I were your boyfriend I'd be seriously thinking about whether I truly wanted to live like that forever too.
So I talked with him last night, and it all came out.
1. He's just not as attracted to me as he was in the beginning. He said he has done so many unromantic things (cleaning up dog poop, etc.) and unsexy things with me since we live together, and it's hard to see me as sexy any more.
2. He is tired all the time from work. This I knew - he works between 13 and 15 hour days, but in addition, he says that I'm always around and he feels as though he never has a minute to himself.
I can fix number 2. What the heck do we do about number 1? From reading on here and talking with friends, I know that this happens when you live together and see each other all the time, you no longer feel LUST. But how do I convince him that it's normal not to want to "jump on me 24/7 like he used to when we didn't live together'' as he put it, and that we have to work at things? We have never lived with another person in a relationship, and he seems to think that a sex life should come as easily as it did in the beginning. I'm a bit devastated to actually hear him say out loud that his attraction to me has been so affected by daily living. Is this a huge red flag after almost 3 years, or is it somewhat normal?
Is this really the kind of life that YOU want? Is he going to be downright disgusted by you if you ever have children together? How do you grow old with someone who is more or less tired of you after watching you do normal things for 3 years?
Definitely NOT the kind of life I want if that is what is going to happen.
He didn't say though that he's NOT attracted, but that it's not as much as he was when we started dating. Even with his work schedule, and the fact that is causes him to bring work home - he himself still initiates sex at least 2-3 times a week, and he does still compliment me or do affectionate things like cuddle in bed when we are sleeping. Does that make things seem any better, or still a huge red flag?
#1 is a tough one sweety. First let me ask, does that mean he really wants you to move out and not be with you or he just feels like he's in a sexual rut? If he's really not "attracted" to you anymore you may want to think about seperating for a bit. If that is where he's at in the relationship that could lead to him becoming extremely cold and distant and then cheating on you. Neither is fair to you!
You are right in that as time goes on and roles/lives changes y'all may not be as "into" each other but there should never be a point where he just stops touching you or being attracted to you especially after 2 years. What would happen if you were 2 years into your marriage and he said that?
DH and I have been together since I was 18, I'm now 25 and believe me we've been through ALOT of crap.....really bad and really good, but at no point in that time(job changes ,school, fights, overworking, new baby) has he ever said he isn't attracted to me as much now. My DH never compliments me or tells me I'm beautiful but every now and then he will tell me my scent still drives him crazy. He's 33 so he should know that there are seasons of relationships, but is he willing to work past this season? Only you know the answer to that.
I would say still be cautious. 2 years isn't that long to outright tell the woman you love, " I'm not as attracted to you as when we first started dating." Believe me if the love isn't strong and he's lacking in attraction having a baby may be a problem. Things go south and thats not including if you put on weight what's he gonna say then? It's good that he still wants to have sex with you and cuddle, but IDK something just isn't adding up.
Being devils advocate forgive me, but it's human nature to want to have our cake and eat it too. I'm not judging your situation or by any means telling you this is whats happening, but there are people out there that will have what's convient and alittle extra on the side. It could happen to anyone.
SO called me from work to tell me that he loves me, that he overreacted and didn't mean what he said about moving out. Also he said that is wasn't sitting right with him about what he said with not being as attracted to me, because that wasn't really what he meant. Hmm.
He said that he wants to talk to me more about it when he gets home, but he was really thinking about it today and realized it's truly a space/privacy issue. We do pretty much everything together, and he feels that since I'm always around (and he never really gets out), that I am the only person he interacts with besides people at work - that this doesn't make him want sex as much as he used to because he never has a chance to miss me or not have me there...he knows I will always be there and doesn't have that sense of anticipation (duh) anymore that he had when we first started dating.
This makes a little more sense to me, because I used to anticipate seeing him, and now it's just a given. So it is a different feeling. And I certainly have time to myself and wouldn't like it if I had no time to just be by myself...maybe it's not as bad as I thought...we'll see.
This sounds much better! I think alot of couples feel this way.
ok, maybe i'm just thinking with my right brain, but if my H said that he wasnt attracted to me because he had to see me as a REAL person, i would be LIVID! i'de say, "F@#$k you dude, do you think its hot for me to hear you squeezing out squirters in the bathroom or when you touch everything with you dirty fingers and get grubby fingerprints everywhere?"
bottom line, he is looking at porn and jerkin it because he wants the fantasy and there is nothing wrong with stretching your imaginary muscles, and you should give the guy sometime to himself... what is concerning to me is that he says he's not attracted to a real person, its like he is saying that you dont measure up to the fantasy because he has gotten to see the real, private life you. i think that we dont show the world the person we are in our homes, and to see the good, bad and ugly of person is a privilage, and if he doesnt see it that way, and sees it as a turn off- maybe he is just not ready for that level of close-ness.
maybe you should give it some time and spend more time away from home, get dressed up and go out with your girlfriends, let him watch his fantasy walk out the door without him.. or join a club, whatever gets you out of the house and out his butt.