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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
No help from in-laws
I have 2 kids (a 5 yr old and a 21 month old) and my husband works on an off-shore rig where his schedule is 21 days on 6 days home. My family is always there willing to lend a helping hand when it comes to my kids. I also work part time (4 hrs a day) and my 5 yr old sees many different specialist. Alot has been going on with my family that I decided to try to give them a break from helping me watch my kids while I work or go to dr appts and asked my in-laws to help out. My MIL works 2days a wk, my SIL dont work at all (and lives 2 blocks from me) and my BIL goes to school 3 days a wk but yet none of them ever have time to help me. I guess I'm used to my family where we always try to help eachother out that its causing alot of tension between me and my husband. Am I wrong for thinking that my in-laws could help me out for 4 hrs a day when I have hardly ever asked for help from them?
Re: No help from in-laws
Why is it coming back on your husband? It's not his fault that his mother and siblings don't want to help.
"Help out" may be too vague a term for your ILs. You may be accustomed to your parents/siblings being pro-active with asking/showing-up, but ILs may need specific ways to be helpful. Are they saying 'no' or are they just not calling and asking? If they are not flat-out saying 'no' (which is their perogative) then ask them specifically for what you need. It may be harder on you, but you may get the help you need by calling and saying, "Can you come to the house on Tuesday to mind the baby from 1-4 pm while I take 5 year old to the doctor?"
If that doesn't work then it's time to hire professional help. Set-up some options for yourself - either someone to come-in or a family child care provider who's flexible with options for the 21 month old. Do you have child care for when you work? Would it make sense to add a day so you always have the same day of the week for doctor appointments?
Yes, you are wrong! They are not required to help you with YOUR children. would it be nice? sure it would, but it is not mandatory.
Pay a sitter like a lot of people do, or bring both kids with you, like a lot of people do!
Well, this just makes them different from your family. Different isn't the same as wrong.
I have to ditto everyone. And I have a DH who works on a tugboat 2 weeks on/ 1 week off. He is local, though, so he does get to come home when there is no work - but I can't plan around it at all. Those weeks he's on? It 100% falls on me to at least PLAN to take care of everything.
It's hard. And I have my parents to help, and it's a great. But their willingness to help absolutely in no way obligates anyone else to help out.
And his job actually is a factor in why we're deciding to only have 1 child. I really don't know that I could handle more kids w/ our schedule. That's OUR responsibility to decide what we can and can't handle, and if I take on more than I can handle ... it doesn't obligate anyone to "have" to help me.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sorry - I'm with pps. They are your children, you chose to have them, and they are your responsibility. It would be nice if someone pitched in to help - sure - but they are in no way obligated to drop everything to take care of them if they don't want to.
My aunt got busted saying something like this about my family once (my uncle, who is basically like my big brother, is a paraplegic and they had twins so things were understandably a little tougher for them.) which came shortly after I took a day off work to help them out when their nanny got sick and my aunt was also sick with the flu. I was livid. My parents were livid. My other uncles and aunts were livid. Guess who never got another freebie?
Graciously accept the free assistance you do get but don't expect it and find a trustworthy sitter as a backup.
Yes, you are wrong for thinking that your inlaws are required to provide free child care for you. They aren't obligated to devote their free time to you, no matter how pointless you think what they do with their free time is. You don't have any right to think that your SIL should become your babysitter just because she's not working.
And lay off your husband. He shouldn't be trying to force his family to do anything.
Your children are your responsibility. I doubt you consulted with your in-laws about your decision to have children, so no, they aren't obligated to take care of your kids at all. It's nice that your family is so willing to help, but it's a gift- it's not something they HAVE to do. That your SIL doesn't work is irrelevant. If you need someone to watch your kids, hire a babysitter or put them in daycare.
yes you're wrong. if you need someone to watch them hire a babysitter or take them to daycare. families are not automatic free babysitting services-no matter what their daily schedules are.
Alot has been going on with my family that I decided to try to give them a break from helping me watch my kids while I work or go to dr appts and asked my in-laws to help out.
You're wrong to think that you're kindly giving them a break from their "obligation." They were kind enough to offer to help you out (at least, I HOPE they offered and you didn't just tell them that they'd be watching your kids). The key word here is "help." They're doing you a gigantic favor here.
Your in-laws aren't responsible for your children. YOU are responsible for your children. Your in-laws are done raising their kids. It's great that your own parents are generous enough to watch the kids for you, but that doesn't mean that your in-laws are terrible people for not doing the same. And it's also absolutely not your place to say, "Well, MY parents have done their share, now it's in-laws' turn." The grandparents don't have a share in the responsibility of watching/raising your children.
If they don't offer to watch your kids, then make other arrangements like hiring a sitter or adjusting your work schedule. And if that's inconvenient for you ... well, tough luck, you need to figure it out. You should've thought about all that before having children in that case.
Plus, FOUR HOURS a day? Are you kidding me that you want your in-laws to give up four hours of every day just to relieve you of YOUR responsibilities? Screw that. I don't care if they're sitting around the house and doing nothing but twiddling their thumbs ... you have some balls to say that they should be devoting four hours a day to your kids.
They are not required to help, but it would be nice of them to help you. You know that they aren't and there is nothing that you can do to change them. I know that I'd want to spend time with my nieces/newphew regardless of blood relative or through marriage, but that's not everyone.
Some IL's also treat grandchildren different and give more to some than others. It's just the way that some people are. You're sadly going to have to accept it and find other ways to get care for your children.
In a perfect world - parents, IL's and even extended family would always be there for added "help", but it doesn't always work that way.
Your kids are yours & DH's responsibility - no one else's. Just be grateful that your parents are willing to help out - that's HUGE.
One factor in why DH & I are willing to wait a little longer to have children is due to having NO help within our families. That said, we understand that any form of childcare, babysitting & "help" will have to be by paying someone. Neither of our families are dependable nor trustworthy.
Whatever quality time your IL's choose to spend w/their grandchildren is their choice. You cannot expect or obligate them further.
hmm, very intersting post.
Looks back at childhood: Mom was a STAHW as was Grandma. We lived in a very small New Engnad town, less that 5 blocks apart.
I remember my mom & Grandma often having coffee together in the morning when the elders were off to school. This was a great time because Grandma gave me her "emeralds" to take out to the sandbox to play with.
Sometimes, where our regular sitter, Rere and Pinki had other plans, Grandma would come to take care of us. She would put us all (5) to bed and she would go down to the parlour to play a concert for us. (she reall had been a concert pianist in her youth) Yes, we did favor Gradma, she was soo cool!
There was the sad time that my brother had to be hospitalized for well over a year, my dad visiting him at night and my mom (all of 8 months PG) would go in the afternoon. Yes, our grandparents took care of us. Know anyone else that would want to take on that many kids at age 58? I don't.
Get your head out of your butt and look at this IN REAL LIFE.
ASK if and whan you need help. I can't read your mind and I doubt that your family can either.
If they aren't available, find a sitter or a good friend and stop milking the family. They don't deserve it.
I think you need to readjust your expectations when it comes to your IL's. They have a different idea about helping than your family--that is okay. Perhaps you need to be more specific when you ask for help (it's always best to ask for help rather than just expect the help).
If they can't help, find a sitter or mother's day out program (through church or where ever) and use them.
It's hard, especially when your child is seeing specialists, but you need to take a look at what you're doing and reassess how you approach getting help from your families.
Honestly, yes I think you are wrong on 2 things.
1. It's not your inlaws obligation to take care of your children. You dicided to have those two children they didn't. They are your responsibility.
2. Your family has a lot going on so you decided to give them a break. You act like you did them a favor when in fact they are doing you a HUGE favor by watching your children.
If your family wants to watch your kids for you then fine. That's very generous of them. You should appreciate that and not expect it from both sides of the family. Like most of the other posts said... they are your children and your reponsibility.
If they didn't help before, why do you assume they'd step up now? Honestly, I think you are placing your expectations from your family on his and you really can't expect that. The answer lies in either letting your family continue to help or hiring someone if they need a break.
You can't "should" other people and what they "should" be doing for you. They are who they are and you have to accept that. They will do and offer what they see fit to do... and I think you have to see them and their helpfulness for what it is and not what you'd want or expect it to be.
They are family. They are not daycare.
I have a deal with my dad... he usually takes my kids for a couple hours once a week. This is grandpa time and it is free. I can stay and play with them or I can go run quick errands. If I need to go to work and don't have other care lined up for some reason, then, if he can, my dad will sit for me. This is babysitting and it is not free. The rule of thumb being if I'm making money then so is he. He does babysit at other times for free while I go to the dentist or DH and I go out, but it is not expected, I ask nicely and arrange the times to suit him.
Another option is Mother's Day Out if it is offered in your area - it's typically 9am-2pm childcare offered by churches. Sometimes jsut 1 or 2 days a week, sometimes it's 5 days a week. It's usually really reasonably priced.
Yet another option is to find other SAHMs or p/t working moms and trade babysitting with them.