Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Am I wrong?
H came home from work and told me something that happened at work. He said that there was this women and her daughter checking out and that he asked if they needed help out to the car, even though they only had two small bags. So he helped them out to their car and I don't remember exactly what he said happened but it was something along the lines of her being mean and acting better than him because she was saying something about her Mercedes.
Later that night he made a comment about how he had a huge headache from all the rude customers at his work. And I jokingly said "well if you didn't flirt with the rude rich ladies that don't really need help to their car then you probably wouldn't have a headache". I was totaly just joking and even laughing when I said it. I meant it like the less time around the customers the better since he is always complaining about customers. But he got so mad and wouldn't talk to me. Saying that was extremely rude and I should never joke like that. I was thinking WTH but let it go and went to sleep.
He is still acting all pissed off to me today and will barley talk to me. He wont even be in the same room as me and DS. I feel bad for DS because he obviously wants time with H but H is laying in bed and wont come out. I got so mad that I yelled at him he was being stupid and acting like a baby. I said it out of anger and then he just left the house. Am I not right? He says I am being mean but I don't think I am. Yea I shouldn't have yelled at him but I do not regret the things I said because that is how he is acting.
Re: Am I wrong?
You both sound immature. It doesn't sound like you initially said anything wrong, but possibly more was said between Mercedes lady and himself that really bothered him and you just set him off..my guess. Don't really know.
However, you said something to upset him. Apologize. Maybe he'll grow up and communicate instead of ignoring you..
He wasn't like this at first. He just started acting like this. If I say something he doesn't like he just turns around and wont speak. Sometimes I get that I made a mean joke or said something in a rude way. But I don't think this joke was that bad.
Thanks for calling me immature. That is very helpful.
I think it was more the fact that he works his ass off to please rich ladies that spend their days shopping and being rude to him. I was just trying to lighten the mood and joke around. He always jokes with me about other guys so I didn't realize he was going to flip out.
I tried apologizing and that's when he turned his back on me and just talked over me the whole time.
It makes you crazy huh? I would normally never yell or get so irrational with him but after dealing with him acting like this for a few months I am starting to go crazy. I just wanted to know if my joking with him was mean or not.
I know he feels he doesn't please me but it's not true at all. I tell him how I feel all the time and he doesn't listen.
I think he is behaving like a child (pouting in a corner as opposed to talking to you about his feelings like an adult) and that your comment was unnecessarily passive aggressive.
You asked us if we thought you are wrong. It seems that many of us feel (based on the information you have given us) that your comment was snotty. However, his behavior leaves a lot to be desired as well.
I think both of you should do a seminar on communication or one of those couples get-aways so that you can both learn to behave like adults. I promise if you work on your communication that things like this won't be a huge deal any more.
This is a case for "pick your battles".
Is there more going on that what you've posted here? You posted on the Military board about possibly entering as a single parent, which makes me think you are having bigger problems than this fight.
Honestly, I think you are both wrong and behaving immaturely. He was having a bad day & I don't understand how accusing him, even jokingly, of flirting was supposed to do anything other than piss him off.
With that said, his reaction is way over the top and I'd be extremely upset that he is ignoring your son as a result.
It sounds like there's a lot of anger on both sides & you are both escalating things rather than trying to make the situation better.
Yes I did because these fights have been happening for a few months now. And after I posted this he got up and said he needed to think about things and left. I do think that he might leave me. I am not really sure why he has been acting like this lately. I try to talk to him and he says nothing.
He jokes with me about other guys and I have joked before about other girls. It has never been a big deal in the past so I didn't get why he was mad now. Even when he is having a bad day usually a joke cheers him up and we go on about our day.
I never really thought of my joke as passive aggresive or snotty. I think in a normal situation he would have laughed but like someone else said their ex never felt like they pleased her. I started to think that maybe he feels bad about himself being around wealthier people all day and feels bad for not being able to give that to me and DS. Not that I ever hinted to him I want to be rich, I just want enough to pay the bills. That is one reason for joining the Navy is because we cannot afford our bills. But instead of telling me he feels bad he just shuts down and acts like a baby.
I think you guys have major commuication problems and while I don't like your H's way of dealing with them, I can see you are part of the problem as well.
First of all, unless I see my H go ga-ga over a woman, I would not accuse him of flirting with them. The only "other women" I make jokes about with dh is a movie star (who he obviously wouldn't meet). I think you are both insecure if you are accusing each other of flirting - - it just seems like a very wierd thing for both of you to do.
Also, if your H had a bad day and was offended by this woman, I don't know why of all people you would bring HER up! Maybe I know the wrong people, but I would find it odd that a rich woman would go out of her way to point out that she is better than a hotel staff person, so I'm guessing that your H has major financial insecurities.
I think your H just needed some understanding and TLC, not a joke that targeted his major insecurities (not enough money, in a job where he is constantly around people with money, helping people who can do for themselves - even though he is in a CUSTOMER SERVICE job).
I do think however wrong you are, his failure to talk to you is immature, and to not spend time with DS b/c he is mad at you is wrong as well. I don't think whatever you said warrants the silent treatment. That is just not an effective way of communicating with your partner and resolving conflicts.
I don't believe making a joke is accusing him of anything. It's not like I flipped out and yelled at him not to flirt. I don't even think of him helping someone out as flirting and that's why I thought it was weird he freaked. Neither of us are insecure in that kind of a way. We joke about plenty of other things too. I was just pointing out that he has made jokes about that kind of thing and so have I. Not that it happenes often but it has happened.
H doesn't work at a hotel he works at a store. And yes the area he works at the women love to point out how they are better because of their hubbies money. I used to work over there until I found a better job on my side of town.
And if you were reading my responses I didn't even really realize the problem could be because of his financial insecurities because he has never said anything. Neither of us have ever said anything to each other about wanting more. I thought he was happy with how things were. I am only joining the military in order for us to be able to pay all the bills and one of us can stay home with DS.
But thanks for responding even though it didn't really help at all.
Ok, ok, you are absolutely perfect and your H is a jerk. Is that what you want to hear?
The truth is, your "jokes" are juvenille and not funny at all. And you if you don't "get" that he is insecure about money, you are as dumb as a bag of rocks. It is obvious from three paragraphs in your post, and this is your life, and you never realized it?
Never said I was perfect. I just don't think that your comments were helpful like the other posters were.
I do get that he is insecure about money. It has never come up before but it is now an issue that I am going to ask him about.
Thanks for calling names though. That is so mature of you
What exactly did you post your "question" or situation on TIP for? You want to know if you were wrong, right? The bottom line is YES.
Am I wrong?
Yes, you're wrong.
This might not be what you want to hear, but yes, your joke was passive-aggressive. It obviously bothered you, and no amount of "But I was kidding!" can prove otherwise. If it bothered you, say something- openly and honestly.
While I do not think your husband is acting all that maturely either, I do think he has grounds to be irritated about it. Rather than moping about it though, he probably should have just addressed it head on. It sounds like neither of you are doing that right now.
Well, by your behavior to the responses here I can see exactly why he wont talk to you.
Grow up.
He's sleeping with the Mercedes lady. YWIA.
No, but seriously...your comment was a little insensitive. Yes, you were joking, but he was talking about how it was a hard day at work, and I can see him taking your joke as blaming him, at least when he's not in the best of moods (such as, "You wouldn't have to deal with bitchy customers if you didn't go out of your way for them"). He's acting like an immature douchecanoe, yes, but I don't think either of you is very good at communicating.