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dealing with mom taking care of grandma (lomg)
My grandma should not be living independently at all and everyone, except my mother, sees it. My grandma cant see, walk and keeps falling. She wont eat anything unless my mom is there. So she goes there 2x a day to feed my grandma lunch and dinner. My mom used to have another caregiver to help her with grandma but that is going to work out anymore so its just my mom. Obviously, there are solutions to this problem...assisted living would be the best living sitatuion for my grandma. But my mom has her head buried so deep in the sand that she cant see it. I understand taking care of an elderly parent is very time consuming. But to the expense of what? Your marriage and your kids. not to mention your health.
Its very stressful for my mom and as a result, my mom has gained a ton of weight, doesnt eat right and doesnt excersice. My dad wont help at all due to my grandma continously lying to his face and causing so much turmoil in the family..he has completely shut down on my grandma. Its just my mom running the show. Its the one thing that my mother solely can control and she wont let go of it.
The concerning part is that mom is very obsessed about grandma. She doesnt care about anyone else. We live out of state and she says we will have to come visit her becuase she cant get away...which is her choice. She had options. She wants to be miserable. My dad would never come wityhout her b/c she would give give him an eternal guilt trip and b!tch to the point that its not worth it. But when we go back home to visit, she is so preoccupied with grandma that she barely gets to see us anyway. Her whole world revolves around grandma. But when she goes there, they are mean to one another and their mother daughter relationship is completely in the gutter. Its so bizzare to see them treat one other so crappy and yet my mother has sacrificed sooo much to take care of my grandma.
I get concerned b/c of my mothers health and lack of taking care of herself. Shes not home during dinner time and therefore, my dad is often made to fed for himself...another point of concern b.c hes a heart patient with high cholestrol and high blood pressure. Its controlled but still a good diet is essential. Its like she has completely shut down on her family and completely obsessed in a very unhealthy way about my grandma. There is no balance. But all the while, my grandma should not be living on her own so if my mother would accept that she would save herself alot of aggrevation. But its like she doesnt want to. she just want to be miserable. But it also had a lot to do with losing control of the situation.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know I cant do anything about it. But its still very frustrating to see this unfold like it is. Is anyone experiencing anything similar. Please share your experiences and how you deal with it on a daily basis.
Re: dealing with mom taking care of grandma (lomg)
That's so sad.
The least your father can do is step-up and prepare his own, healthy meals each night. That complaint rubbed me the wrong way - it's like your mom is the wife, so she needs to cook his dinner. It seems like a simple thing to do for himself and even better for both of them.
We were in the same situation with my SIL and MIL. Here's how we solved it:
We contacted MIL's doctor and explained what MIL was really like in her home and all her limitations. At MIL's next appointment, the doc told SIL that MIL had to go into some sort of assisted living/skilled care facility or he was turning SIL in for neglect and/or elder abuse.
So if you know who your grandmother's doc is, enlist him/her to get the type of care required.
Yup. Thats how their marriage works. and thats why, years later, it is completley in the sh!thole. He wont step up and help. Regardless of how he feels about my grandma, its his wife that he would mostly be helping. And he wont. My concern is his overall health and diet. But no one can do it for him. He needs to be responsible for himself. But still, my mom can balance out her schedule so that they at least spilt making the dinners.
hmmm. Great idea. I will have to figure out who her doc is. Who did you speak to at the doctors office?
Sadly, they dont support eachother like this. Unfornately, this may be the root of the situation. They live together but do not function as a team one bit.
I have point blank told her several times. She wont listen. At All. Its so bad that now its taking a toll on my relationship with my mom. I cant sympathize with someone that wants to be miserable and wont do anything to help herself or the situation.
Uhmmm why are you focusing your anger on your mom. You are making her out to be the bad guy. Sure she desrves a good portion of your frustration, but so does your dad.
Why don't you tell him point blank that he needs to make himself his own damn meals?
Why don't you tell him point blank that he is being selfish and making people around him miserable ?
I feel really really sorry for your poor mother in this whole situation.
Dont think this conversation has not occured. However, hes the most difficult person to speak to about "hard" issues. He shuts down and starts to get mad. And then he leaves. His communcation skills are non exsistent. Its like talking to a brick wall...but talking to a brick wall is less frustrating.
Just by rereading all these posts, it is obvious that none of them are going to change. EVER. It just save me a whole lot of frustration if I could practice detached caring. Easier said than done, obviously.
I woudln't do this yet. Does your grandma have the money to pay for assisted living or skilled care? It's expensive!!! In my area, it's $2000+ a month. Insurance generally doesn't cover it unless she has a long term care policy. At this point, if she doesn't have one, it's probably too late to get one. The only way the government pays for it is when she has totally run out of her own money and has to go on Medicare. And, some of those facilities aren't exactly ideal. Research your options first before you end up with housing difficulties with your grandma.
I can see why your mom doesn't want to spend a lot of her time with him then. I think that detached caring is a good route to take. You will not be able to change them and if this is how your mom wants to spend her time, it is her decision to make. Oh and I have a feeling that your dad is throwing your mom under the bus when if comes to visits. If he really wanted to come out and visit you, he would. He probably doesn't want to go through the hassle of visiting but intead of just coming out and saying it, he makes your mom out to be the bad guy.
my grandmother lived with us from the time my older sister was born until she went to live in a nursing home four years before she passed away. my mother took care of her, my father, three daughters, two foster children and various others along the way all that time. now that my sister has children, my mother takes care of them most days of the week while my sister works. my mother was and is a caregiver. that's a big part of who she was made to be. she worked outside the home the whole time we were growing up, but at heart, taking care of the people she loves is in her very being.
my grandmother and my mother had a very difficult relationship as well. and at the end, my grandmother suffered from dementia and it was incredibly sad and draining to visit her in the home. i went once a week, which was hard enough. but my mother went every single day.
i think you're looking at your mother through the wrong lens. stop thinking of her as "playing the martyr" and start thinking of her as a daughter who is watching her mom grow old. of course she wants to take care of her. and if she allowed your grandmother to be taken care of by someone else, she most likely would feel like she is being remiss in her duty as a daughter. if you look at her from a different angle, maybe you'll be able to understand and deal with her more lovingly.