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Looking for advice (Long)
I lurk on this board often in hopes of coming across a situation similar to mine. A lot of advice posted here I should heed but, I can't seem to do what I know is inevitable. This is a different name as I don't want anyone IRL to be know what is going on.
My H and I have been together for almost 3 years, married for 9 months. Until 2 months before our Wedding H was in the military. He was stationed in our home area so he's been home since we've together (never deployed). I have a career here and we (he) owns a home (no mortgage) so we decided that he would get out after this term to avoid government ordered move and he would work in the area. H has always had to have things a particular way, looking back now, control. I have more of a laid back attitude. I just looked at it as if it's not my personality but, everyone is different. Not a deal breaker, I Love him so we'll figure it out and make it work.
The months following our Wedding he has gotten more and more controlling, verbally abusive, mostly during fights (name calling, shut the F* up, stupid F* you get the point...) The issue I can't seem to get past is he physically pushed my head last week. No it didn't "Hurt" but, I can't seem to let go of the fact that he put his hands on me, period.
I feel embarrassed that I didn't see this coming and that I have married someone who would treat me this way. We have only been married 9 months! I can't help but, feel that if I left now I would be "giving up on my marriage" or that after I left I would regret it because "the 1st year is the hardest." My mind has not stopped running the past week. Of course, he has been great since the last fight. Acting like nothing had/has ever happened so, I feel like if I bring anything up I will be just asking for another fight. I have a stable career and more than enough support from family, friends, etc... I am just so afraid of regretting whatever choice I make. He is a good guy and gets along Great with my family and I Love his however, I feel these are things that I'm clinging to in order to justify staying in this marriage.
I'm hoping there are some Women out there who have experienced something similar. Did you make it work or did you leave? How did you come to you decision? Do you regret the choice you made? This is completely consuming me...ugh!
Sorry for the long post.
Re: Looking for advice (Long)
Your H is abusive. Full stop. It's not giving up on your marriage to leave now; it's getting yourself out of a bad situation before it has a chance to get worse. In your case, unfortunately, the first year of marriage (should you stay with him longer than that) would not be the hardest; he will continue to escalate his abuse, because that's the way it works.
And yes, him being a lot nicer than usual, etc. is completely within the normal bounds of an abusive relationship; you should look up the cycle of abuse.
My xH was not verbally or physically abusive to me per se but he had serious anger issues and I was constantly on edge and afraid he was going to explode. But I left. I realized I didn't want to live like that. It was a bit like your situation because he wasn't like that before we got married. He might have gotten a little angrier than most and in hindsight, there were red flags but I never saw anything close to what I saw after the wedding.
Don't let the fear of what people will think make you stay. No one who loves you would want you to live in a situation where you're called names, degraded and pushed.
But as I'm sure you know, he's not going to stop this behavior on his own. If you don't do something to stop it, this will be your life. You aren't failing or doing anything wrong to choose better for yourself.
Good luck. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do and the faith in yourself to be secure in that choice.
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Personally, I would leave. The name calling, the controlling behavior, the pushing are all signs of an abusive personality and no it doesn't get better. This is who he is down to his core being. People like that just don't get better. It only gets worse. I know I don't have a crystal ball but I doubt you would regret leaving him.
I would say that my marriage is pretty healthy and happy and I wouldn't say that the first year was the more difficult. In fact, I remember it being happy and easy. Other people I have spoken to have said the same thing.
I am a going to attach a link of the warning signs of an abusive personality. Please take a look at it. You might find some other red flags in there too.
http://www.newbeginningsnh.org/html/signs.html
There is nothing to be embarrassed about , you didn't do anything wrong.
You don't stay and work things out with an abusive man you leave ASAP. There is nothing to work out. He is abusive and put his hands on you. You then pack your shiot and leave.
He will be really nice until he does it again. this is their pattern, but it will become more frequent.
Please leave now...
I'd take being embarrassed over being dead any day!
Unfortunately, your H crossed the line, and there is no going back from that. I would never be able to stay with someone who thought physical, emotional, or verbal abuse is ok...even once. If he did it to you once, he will do it again, and it will be worse next time. Your not giving up, your protecting yourself. If he loved you like you love him, this would have never happened.
I hope you find the strength to leave him. This cycle is not going to stop.
I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.
I have been through a very similar situation. I did try to stay to work it out and almost died doing so.
Your husband is abusive. And progressively becoming moreso. The fact that he has pushed you now means that you are not only in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship but also a physical one. If you read nothing else of what I am about to tell you read this...it will only get worse from here.
This type of abuse only escalates. People say that the first year of marriage is the hardest, but marriage should NEVER be this hard. Ever. There is nothing to 'work out' because abuse is not a marital issue. This issue is your husbands and his alone. Nothing that you do...and conversely nothing that you don't do...will stop his behavior. And really, why would he change? It benefits him to be abusive to you. He started out as subtly controlling and you've noticed that control has increased because it means that you will do as he says. You will fold to his desires. Even now, you are afraid to bring up something that bothers you. What would it benefit him to change?
You are not giving up by leaving and getting yourself to a safe place. That takes more strength and courage than anything!
I don't want you to think that I am a negative person, because I am not, I am actually one of the most upbeat, positive people that you will ever meet which is probably why I stayed in an abusive marriage for so long. I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to walk away until I'd given it every effort but I could have died. It's not cowardly for you to walk away from this situation in the least! And I'm not trying to be mean by telling you that he won't change. I am trying to keep you safe.
Do you have friends and family close that will support you? Can you stay with a friend for a while right now? Do you have any specific questions you want to ask me as someone who has been in your shoes? Does anyone know about the abuse?
I'm really glad that you decided to post here! Please be safe!
Don't think of it as "giving up on your marriage," think of it as "saving your life." He's moved from emotional and verbal abuse to physical, and as others have said, it will continue to escalate. Next time he might push your head through a window (there was a Nestie that this happened to).
How well would he get along with your family if they knew how he was treating you? I bet not so well. And "good guys" don't tell their wives to "shut the F up" or push them around.
He's not going to change. Ever. Pack your stuff and get out. Don't tell him what you're going to do, just do it. Women in abusive relationships are most likely to be killed when the abuser knows they're going to leave.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and dumping his sorry azz was the best thing I ever did for myself. Once you get out, you won't regret it for a minute.
My ex and I started this way. The first incident was a pillow he threw at me. The second was a shove and it all went down hill from there - very fast. We kept "trying' to make it work but EVERY and I do mean EVERY single fight after that we would hit each other. Bloody noses, bruises everywhere - promises to stop - but we never did.
Get out. The more he can't control you the harder he will try. But... that was just my experience.
Thank you all for the advice. As silly as it sounds I think I needed an unbiased opinion to confirm that I'm NOT overreacting.
It is slow at work for H right now so he is home all of the time. I will be making my plan to leave, contacting a laywer etc... You are all right in this matter. He isn't going to change. This is my ONLY option.
Thanks again