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Please read all of this. I need help! G/F is moving out but says we could start over.
Hi,
I have so many things I could say and so many ways to put this. However, It's 1 in the morning and I have so much to get done. Haha, thus some of my problems. My girlfriend and I have been dating almost two years. I met her at a college graduation party I held for one of my friends. I instantly well pretty much fell for her. I didn't see her again for almost 2 weeks until one night she walked into this venue. It was as if I was waiting for her, she says. We hit it off and talked all night.
One problem was that I lived in another state 6 hours away. We spent 2 to 3 months texting talking etc. constantly. She actually even drove to see me one of the first real times we spent time together. After about 2 to 3 months I decided to move and start a life in a new city. The only problem was... I didn't have a car. Well, to my advance I moved into a townhouse directly next door to her. I was a little scared about it but I could walk to work where we lived in the city.
After about 6 months she decided she couldn't stand the girl she was living with because of all the partying, and boys coming over. The guy I lived with didn't have a job either and eventually got evicted. Over the course of the past year I have had a lot of financial things happen where I have stepped in an took care of things. We decided instead of moving into two different apartments she could just move next door and it would work out great! Well it was fun for awhile but then things started to happen.
We began to fight. I overreacted a lot and sometimes it was nasty. But, honestly it wasn't like every day or anything. I think it was just a big deal because we were so happy and things were great when we met. The only thing we ever got into it about was money but then that brought out really bad emotions and anger when we got into it.
We've kept changing things over the past year a few times and haven't seemed to really get on a track. She wanted to go back to school and not work so I started paying for things a lot more. Her mother was helping her a little bit but not much. I was in school as well online but after 45 hours a week it was just too much. I eventually put that on hold. Then this past summer I quit my job due to the fact that I was so tired of dealing with answering to other people and not really having a good working environment. It was tough because I have no one to help financially and had to really stretch our money to last. I finally landed a work at home job for a large internet company and started doing that but still it wasn't enough and all we ever thought about was bills.
Then everything changed about 6 months ago when I landed my first real, real, really good job. It's a huge opportunity for me still. The job is something I really can be good at and I really really enjoy it for the most part. We were really excited and things were going to change. We were even thinking about marriage. She had a small job at a spa working at the front desk and decided to quit her job to just spend some time for herself and think about things. She basically asked me if she could quit. I agreed under one condition. Since I would be paying for everything and I mean everything... I had to use her car for work. I was saving up for one but used all the money for us. It was no big deal... We decided my new job was really important and would help us. Well this was ok for awhile and then since we were paying so much on bills and rent we decided to move further into the city in a newer place that was cheaper and close to some friends of mine.
That's when all hell broke loose. Even the move was terrible. I was constantly busy at work and stressed with the move. Communication with people I worked with and with my direct supervisors was terrible. My home life was falling apart too! She had no money, no car, no friends really. I didn't spend any time having fun with her or with my friends either. I don't mean to make things seem like we hate one another... we don't. We really care about one another. We thought moving into this smaller apartment would be great. We had a 1 to 2 year goal for moving to California and we had talked about getting married before or after this. So here it was, this new place and new life. We really hadn't talked about our relationship or the problems we had financially because we jumped into a new situation and thought it would change. Immediately we started having problems again and they were worse.
I spent an extreme amount of money moving us in and it was really tuff. Also, my job became really really stressful trying to catch up. I am still struggling with it. They have cut me some slack because they value my work when I am able to focus on it and believe I have a really bright future with the company.
Things became so bad that she ended up going home for a weekend over Easter and we were pretty much talking about breaking up. I think we were overloaded with one another. No space and we hardly have enough money to buy the things we like. We do however go out to eat and stuff like that and have all the things we need. I had become pretty neurotic and controlling due to the fact that I never see her and my time with her is minimal. I think we were throwing too much of our stress on one another due to our situation. I figured out that it was just our situation that made things so bad. I had allowed myself to always give her what she wanted or needed. I wasn't taking care of myself. All I do is work and worry about what she needs or wants. She has it not so so bad. But I finally understood why she was so unhappy. The major situation is the car. She walks in the community and goes to our gym but really she has to stay at home all day because I am out. But, it also makes things impossible to plan since I am using it at all times. Finally it took us pretty much almost breaking up to identify our problems and try to start working on them.
At this point though she has said she needs space and doesn't feel the same as she did when we first met just because of all of our financial and life problems. We have agreed that really our relationship doesn't exist because we are always taking care of things. We became un focused on one another. But, we want to try and change that. Except for me I will tend to overreact and become emotional. I've gotten better at it but it's so hard. She has now decided to get a job, which I am glad and it's a great one. I have also gotten her a 2nd job as well. So she is really focused on that. It's been extremely hard because I don't really use the car at all either and have been renting and have plans to get one asap. My work performance has been terrible. This is all been extremely emotional for me. I've been a wreck with stress. We have almost called in quits maybe two times this month. Now we have agreed to just chill out and she is looking for her own place and we have agreed that if I get a car this week and then she moves out in a few weeks or so that we can try to have a normal relationship. It's just so hard because she is still here! I have in the past week still helped her financially completely. I've spent over $500 on stuff for the dog, shampoo (bathroom stuff), and clothes. You know I love doing that I have no problem with it. But, it's like we are still in a relationship for those few minutes I take care of all those things and then when it's time for me to plan something or talk to her about me it's like... "we don't need to focus on our relationship right now" or things like that. I understand she needs me and has nowhere else to stay but I mean what the heck is going on. I know I don't need to analyze but it's so hard to figure out how to treat her. She said act as I normally would. How can I do that if we are suppose to be kinda not together but together? I don' t understand it. It keeps me up at night. Sometimes I feel used, but then I feel like it'll be fine and once she moves out and I get a car it'll be ok. But, what I have kept messing up with is the time between. I don't want to be an *** but I also don't want to keep acting the same way if we need to change things. I just feel like it's easy for her to flip a switch when her needs aren't being met she can ask me. Then when my needs aren't being met I can't have the time to speak with her. We are not sexually active and haven't been affectionate with one another at all. Which I understand why but it's hard. I feel like I have to keep going and working and paying for things but she can plan this whole new life around me. I have also been weak with things like other men. She knows I have problems with it but I will remain strong. I know this sounds stupid but she hid her relationship status on facebook and now it's like just every post is some new guy talking to her. She is by no means wanting to get into another relationship or date anyone but I know she gets approached way more often now and talks to people on the phone constantly. I try to hold my tounge but it gets ruff. It's hard to give someone space when they are living in your apartment.
Here's an example of some of the stuff I've dealt with and then I will end this... The other night she asked me to give her a massage with oil and we went into the bedroom. Well obviously to do this you must take your shirt off right? Ok so I gave her a massage for over an hour and then tried to kiss her. She refused to do it and got upset then stormed out and said that it wasn't like that and she didn't know if she still wanted to be with me. How am I suppose to deal with that? She apologized and said that it was more complicated but dang it was hard. I understand all of her reasons and even have started to really trust it for the most part.
I think things can be great. But, she just doesn't seem that optimistic about it. She seems a bit removed from everything. I don't know it's ruff. How do I make this situation better. To mention she isn't like anyone I've ever been with. She is actually a "good" girl. She isn't the type that would ever cheat. It's also good to say that she is "friends" with most of her exs that were serious. 2 or 3 to count. Am I slowly becoming one of those "friends"? I know I have the possibility to start over but it's so ruff right now.
Do I remain strong and put up or shut up or do I change things by completely trying to keep my life separate from her for now and just remain nice. Do I try dates now? or just quit trying at all until she moves. All of this stuff really matters and all the analyzing does matter. I have to do things exactly right. I feel like all of the pressure is on me to be honest. Yes, she's high maintenance but who cares... I love her. Don't say I need to give her space. She lives with me I can't. Please any educated mature opinions will help. Something more than a few words would be great!
Re: Please read all of this. I need help! G/F is moving out but says we could start over.
You may not be able to make this situation better. I hate to tell you that, but it's true. It sounds like her moving out would be the best thing for the both of you.
She's being very honest with you- through her actions, though not necessarily through what she says. If she isn't intimate with you (and I'm not talking about sex, here- there are a lot of different kinds of intimacy) or even affectionate, and if she's also speaking to other men, then there's really nothing you can do to salvage this relationship. If someone is showing or telling you who they are, believe them.
My advice here is to stop paying for things. You are roommates at this point, nothing more than that. And I understand that you want to continue a relationship with her, but she's using you. You state: I just feel like it's easy for her to flip a switch when her needs aren't being met she can ask me. Then when my needs aren't being met I can't have the time to speak with her.
Of course it's easy. You're making it that way. You're paying her way and, as you said, your relationship doesn't exist because of all your financial and life problems. You can be friends with your exes and carry on a healthy relationship, but that's not what she's doing. A healthy relationship involves intimacy and trust. And if you're feeling used, this isn't a healthy relationship for either one of you.
I'm assuming that you're young (correct me if I'm wrong here). You have a good job, you sound like a decent guy, and you genuinely seem to care about her. But none of your good qualities matter if she doesn't want to continue this relationship, and it doesn't sound like she does. If she thinks this is difficult, then wait until you get married. Or have a baby.
My advice? Get your own car asap. Wait until she has moved out, then move on with your life. You deserve to be happy. If you're not, only you have the power to fix it.
Holy cow sir you first need to breathe. You are thinking in twenty different directions. Step back, breathe - you will be ok.
Now... you sound young. From an outside perspective, I think you are putting in 120 percent where as your girlfriend is putting in far less.
As a woman, I am going to tell you something - women like men with a backbone. That is not to say you need to be a jerk, but you need to step back for a moment and stop thinking only about her. You let her quit her job, paid for all of her clothes, etc. etc. and now she is pulling away and treating you like a friend? Not very manly.
You need to back off and focus on yourself - pick a place to live that you can afford and pay your rent. Focus on getting your job performance back up to par. Make a budget for your monthly expenses. Make some goals. Find something you enjoy and do it. Have some fun! Tell your girlfriend that you love her and that you want you want your relationship to work but that you need to figure your life out. Once you focus on you you will see what kind of person she really is - you might work, you might not, but you are falling apart and if you step back and breathe you will come out in one piece either way. Good Luck.
You both sound very immature and I think you have a lot of growing up to do.
She quit her job for no good reason, let you support her and made you feel bad for using the car? Doesn't sound like a supportive relationship to me. It does sound like to some extent you are being used. Her moving out is a great idea and you need to use this time to take care of yourself. You need to stop being such a pushover, a woman don't want to spend the rest of her life with a man that doesn't stand up to her. Good Luck.
She doesn't want to be your girlfriend.
She's using you for monetary support.
There is no future for the two of you.
Best that she move out and the two of you go your separate ways. She'll cry and make a big scene because she won't want the gravy train to end, but be firm and end this. Then you can find a girl who WANTS to be with you.
This sounds like a terrible relationship for you to be in.
You want a far more from her than she is willing to give and she's proving it to you time and time again. You both made some bad financial decisions in there. It's never a good idea to quit your job with no new one lined up, and quitting your job to think about things when you're struggling financially is incredibly immature. It sounds like you're both really young and she's not willing to grow up.
Let her go. In fact, I would recommend kicking her out, but it doesn't sound like you're willing to do that. Find your own apartment that you can pay for on you salary and inform her of your moving date. It's up to her to figure out how to support herself. You said her mom helps her financially, so maybe she ends up moving back there. Whatever happens, it is not your problem. You do not want to be saddled with someone so willing to live off of you so early in life.
I get that you guys were so in love in the beginning. That's the honeymoon period that every new relationship goes through. Sounds like your honeymoon is over and you're getting to see who this girl really is and you don't like it. Don't count on those great times coming back. Find someone who wants to be with you as a PARTNER not as a freeloader. You sound like a good guy, go find a good girl.
What would prompt you to ask this question to a bunch of married ladies? Let it go. Relationship over. The end. And stop writing novels.
I'm not sure how old you are but from what you have written, you both sound very young. There's nothing wrong with being young and in a relationship but over time you'll learn that a normal, healthy relationship is made up of two people who respect one another, can support themselves both financially and emotionally and add to the other person's life rather than taking from it.
Over time, relationships have a lot of ups and downs and both people have to be fully engaged and communicating well to make it work. Love is NOT enough...it takes so much more to have a healthy, happy relationship. The best advice I have is to let her go, find your own place to live and stop trying to accomodate this fuzzy "relationship" where you don't know whether you're friends, lovers, partners, etc. You don't need mixed messages and it sounds like she's sending a lot of those your way. Let her take care of herself---stop paying for things! It honestly sounds like she's using you and your feelings for her to completely take advantage of the situation.
This girl is using you big time and you're letting her. I think that the best idea is to funnel all the energy you're putting into your relationship into your job. I know that seems extremely difficult, but it is NOT worth losing a job that you really enjoy and are good at to try to salvage this relationship. You're giving 120% and she's giving...maybe 5%. She quit her job to "think about things" and just let you foot all the bills? Seriously? Stop paying for her stuff, stop letting her walk all over you, start concentrating on your own life and future.
Good luck with everything.