Trouble in Paradise
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Isn't it too early for marriage problems?

My husband and I have been married for just under 2 years, I need advice on if I'm being controlling or overbearing and what we should do next.  It's been a rough year and my husband is battling some demons over loosing his job and not being the breadwinner.  He's employed again, but still struggling.  He's depressed and lacks motivation.  He usually drinks a six pack of beer a night and last week he went gambling and lost $600 and I woke up to him peeing on the wall in our bedroom one night.  I obviously was very upset about the recent turn of events and told him that he needs to stop drinking immediately.  He felt horrible about the gambling and urinating in the house (even starting crying) and agreed that he needs to start working out again, yet every night when I get home he's bought a six pack and is 2 to 3 beers in again.  I'm so frustrated and keep giving him ultimatums.  He feels like I hate him and make him feel worse about himself and says that's what is driving him to keep drinking. We're rapidly losing our emotional and physical connection....I can't stand to see him like this and he can't stand how judgmental I am.   What do I do?!?  I'm desperate to make this work and have us both be happy again!!

Re: Isn't it too early for marriage problems?

  • Are you certain he only started drinking very very recently? Sounds like he has been at it for quite awhile, probably before you were married -- and if that is that case, you overlooked this. Very very bad move; you should have run like hell back then, while you were still free and single. 

    Leave him immediately based on the fact he has a drinking problem. And he possibly also has a gambling problem.

    Run fastand run hard, right for the door. And keep GOING when you get to the door.

    The problem with an ultimatum is that you have to stand behind your word and you haven't done that. He's called your bluff and you're a pushover.

    And I very strongly suggest AlAnon for you, stat.

    Life with an alcoholic is no life at all; neither is life with somebody who has a possible gambling problem.

    He needs AA (and possibly rehab; a doc is the only one who can make a call whether or not he needs rehab) but I don't see him attending AA any time soon, nor do I see him admitting he's a drunk.

    I will bet you he is consuming a great many more than 6 beers a day -- and even if he is not, 6 beers a day is very excessive.

    Urinating on the wall, really? I'm pretty certain that type of behavior is only seen in somebody with a very advanced case of alcoholism. I'm surprised you weren't out of there the second he did that.

    Run fast and run hard. This is over and alcoholism is a dealbreaker. 

    I'd see an attorney and get your finances all ready -- and when that's done, leave this guy -- don't tell him you're filing --- and tell him flat out you are no longer going to be married to a drunk. You need a drunk and you need him like a hole in the damn head.

    Placing the blame on you for his drinking?

    Bullshit.

    Also very common for a drunk to blame somebody else for his being a drunk.

    HE is to blame for his drinking, not you.

    If you stay with this guy, he will bankrupt you; all of your money will go to the barman...and whoever it is he's gambling with.

    Leave him and the sooner the better. Go before he ruins your credit for good.

    This is already a joke...and so the hell is he....

    He felt horrible about the gambling and urinating in the house (even starting crying) and agreed that he needs to start working out again,

    Uh huh. He needs to start working OUT! Gee, by jove, that's the PROBLEM...

     HA HA.

    uh huh...But not "horrible" enough to say "I am an alcoholic and I am going to AA to get clean and sober. I will see a doctor to see if I need rehab."

    Bully to him he started crying. He's only crying because he's guilty.

    And taking $600 to gamble -- this is your money, also --- when he knows full well you and he are not in a financial position to do this and also no doubt he did this without your permission.

    You should have been livid about that money.

    And I'd make sure that it was only $600 --- you're certain it was only that amount? or did Mr. Wonderful say that it was that amount only?

    And no doubt he is drinking and driving. Don't ask me what I think of that.

    Get away from him now -- and file for divorce. You don't have a marriage at this point.

    Being he' took money without discussing it with you and who knows what else is at hand here, I'd run a credit check on yourself and on him. And I'd make sure he cannot access any of your money or assets.

    Why did he lose his job? Was it because of the drinking?

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    Alanon for you asap.

    Decide if this is the life you want. Decide what you're willing to live with. Then you should have a sit down come to Jesus talk with him and tell him the conditions of you staying in this marriage. Do you want him to go to counseling? Go to rehab? Attend AA and get a sponsor? See a dr? Be completely transparent? Never go shopping without you (so he can't buy alcohol)? Then stick to your decisions.

     That $600 at the casino when you're not doing well financially is also a big red flag. Looks like you need to be in charge of all the money (that can be part of him being completely transparent to you).

    He needs to be willing to change for this to work.

     

  • You cannot make someone stop drinking. All the nagging and ultimatums will not work, it just isn't that simple. I would suggest you start individual counseling and couples counseling as you stated you want to work it out. You need to inform yourself and decide where your limits and expectations are for your marriage and life. When he crosses the line you must follow through, period. At some point you'll hopefully understand that you cannot allow his toxic behavior to affect your life nor can you will it away. Save yourself the years of compromise and get help now. My brother is a recovering addict and I can tell you nothing you do will ever make it stop. 
    image Nicholas loved for 28 weeks, 4/11/10
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  • It's never too early for marriage problems. But you have to learn how to handle them. You can give him ultimatums all you want but it won't change unless he wants it to. This is why majority of the time ultimatums don't work and only end up making them mad. And let's focus on something for a moment...you are NOT judgmental, not in the wrong what so ever..but maybe could have handled it differently? 

    It's easy to go straight to saying "quit drinking" but clearly it isn't the drinking that is the problem..it's how he feels that is driving him to drink that is the problem. He doesn't know how to properly handle his emotions. He would rather run from them then fix it. 

    EDIT: I agree with him going to meetings

     

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  • She needs to leave his drunk ass, pronto.

    Attending meetings with him? Uh, he has to admit he's got a problem and he's nowhere near doing that any time soon, nor may he ever admit he's got a problem.

    He will bankrupt the OP, as I said. And indeed she should be livid about the $600.

    I don't see any hope here. None whatsoever --- unless he has a rock bottom moment and admits he's a drunk and needs to get clean and sober with either AA or the help of a drug and alcohol counselor.

  • imagecheesemosa:
    My husband and I have been married for just under 2 years, I need advice on if I'm being controlling or overbearing and what we should do next.  It's been a rough year and my husband is battling some demons over loosing his job and not being the breadwinner.  He's employed again, but still struggling.  He's depressed and lacks motivation.  He usually drinks a six pack of beer a night and last week he went gambling and lost $600 and I woke up to him peeing on the wall in our bedroom one night.  I obviously was very upset about the recent turn of events and told him that he needs to stop drinking immediately.  He felt horrible about the gambling and urinating in the house (even starting crying) and agreed that he needs to start working out again, yet every night when I get home he's bought a six pack and is 2 to 3 beers in again.  I'm so frustrated and keep giving him ultimatums.  He feels like I hate him and make him feel worse about himself and says that's what is driving him to keep drinking. We're rapidly losing our emotional and physical connection....I can't stand to see him like this and he can't stand how judgmental I am.   What do I do?!?  I'm desperate to make this work and have us both be happy again!!

     

    Do you work outside the home or is he the only one earning a paycheck?

    Have you cut back on expenses to accommodate your current situation?

    Sometimes people can react VERY unpredictably to stress- if he is the only one bringing in the money for both of you he probably feels an immense amount of stress and pressure and if he feels like you are constantly judging him then he is obviously going to turn to some other stress-outlet if he can't talk to you about it.

     I think counseling for BOTH of you is necessary.

    However, I completely disagree with the PP's saying "leave him immediately".

    You BOTH committed to this marriage in for better AND worse and you can't just jump ship because the "worse" is suddenly showing up. Especially when the worse is directly related to both of you.

    At the very least make the effort to understand the REAL issue here- the drinking is only a symptom of the deeper problem.

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  • Honey.... know what a dealbreaker is?

    However, I completely disagree with the PP's saying "leave him immediately".

    You BOTH committed to this marriage in for better AND worse and you can't just jump ship because the "worse" is suddenly showing up. Especially when the worse is directly related to both of you.

    At the very least make the effort to understand the REAL issue here- the drinking is only a symptom of the deeper problem.

    Alcoholism is a DEALBREAKER!

    It's a dealbreaker like adultery, other substance addictions, inappropriate 'friendships" with women and abuse, be it mental, emotional, verbal or physical. You cannot stay in a marriage with a drunk.

    Would YOU stay with a drunk that is out of control --- would YOU tolerate your drunk husband pissing on the walls of your bedroom? Would you put up with his gambling bullshit??

    I wonder if you would. Yeah...you probably would.

    What's to understand? he's a drunk; you do not stay married to a drunk. Case closed.

    The OP can drop into an AA meeting and bounce her situation off a sponsor that is there --- I'm pretty sure the sponsor would say the same thing.

  • I have not read most of the other posts so I apologize if this is repetitive:

    I do not agree that this is a dealbreaker; however, I hold marriage to a very high standard and feel that dealbreakers include abuse (in any form) or infidelity. This is alcohol abuse and sounds like it could head towards alcohol addiction. At the moment it seems like the beginning of something that could lead to a dealbreaker but in my eyes is not that just yet; although, it has the potential to turn in to one.

    My immediate  response is that you need to attempt to sit down with him and have a serious talk. Not after incidents like peeing on the wall when emotions are high but during a calm, level-headed period in your day/week. Share with him how important your marriage is to you and how important he is to you. Explain how you are feeling and attempt to help him understand why things need to change.
    This situation sounds like something that your marriage (based on what tiny bit you've shared with us) can get through; however, it will take hard work on BOTH of your parts. This may even require marriage counseling. But IMO this is something that patience, hard work, OPEN communication and some understanding on both sides can weather. The key here is that both of you need to put effort in to this and ultimately if he does not/ will not change then you may need to decide where you draw the line.
    Good luck!

  • imageTarponMonoxide:

    Honey.... know what a dealbreaker is?

    However, I completely disagree with the PP's saying "leave him immediately".

    You BOTH committed to this marriage in for better AND worse and you can't just jump ship because the "worse" is suddenly showing up. Especially when the worse is directly related to both of you.

    At the very least make the effort to understand the REAL issue here- the drinking is only a symptom of the deeper problem.

    Alcoholism is a DEALBREAKER!

    It's a dealbreaker like adultery, other substance addictions, inappropriate 'friendships" with women and abuse, be it mental, emotional, verbal or physical. You cannot stay in a marriage with a drunk.

    Would YOU stay with a drunk that is out of control --- would YOU tolerate your drunk husband pissing on the walls of your bedroom? Would you put up with his gambling bullshit??

    I wonder if you would. Yeah...you probably would.

    What's to understand? he's a drunk; you do not stay married to a drunk. Case closed.

    The OP can drop into an AA meeting and bounce her situation off a sponsor that is there --- I'm pretty sure the sponsor would say the same thing.

    So...the fact that he is clearly facing depression and stress stemming from his employment situation should just be completely ignored?

    *OP still never told us if she works to bring in any money or if her husband is the only provider*

    The minute her husband has a human moment and struggles he should just be tossed aside with no regard? What kind of wife would do that?

    Sorry, I think that her husband should be more than just an emotionless drone who is only there to provide money without his own human experience. 

    Marriage is a commitment from BOTH people!

    The fact that she told us she has been "acting judgmental" seems like she hasn't not sat down and really talked this though to get his feelings on the matter and he obviously self-medicating to deal with the underlying problems.

     

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  • How nice that this pissing in a corner drunk is blaming you for all his problems. Go to alanon and get yourself some therapy to get yourself strong enough to deal with the fall out coming your way. Unless he agrees to get help for his depression and alcohol problems there isn't a way for you to save the relationship.

    I'm usually leery for 1st post not to be MUD when it has this many red flags. Still my advice is both of you get help or you get out.

  • The minute her husband has a human moment and struggles he should just be tossed aside with no regard? What kind of wife would do that?

    One that cares about HER future and one that cares about herself, her future and her sself esteem and getting out before kids enter the picture.That's what kind.

    And don't get me started what it will be like for a kid to grow up with a drunken parent.

    This isn't just an ordinary human moment and struglling: this guy's a drunk. What he is doing is not normal behavior.

    Should he go to AA and get clean and sober and the OP stays with him: be advised it will be a day to day struggle for him and for her, particularly in the early stages of his recovery. Alcoholism in recovery is a day to day battle, even when this period of time has passed.

  • So did you throw the drunk out?

    Guessing that you did not.
  • imageTarponMonoxide:
    So did you throw the drunk out?

    Guessing that you did not.

    This is an advice board.  Not "Do what I say!" board.  It's not advice if you try to make someone do it.

    I also agree with some others that counseling can help this marriage.  The husband has hit rock-bottom and has been self-destructing after becoming unemployed.  If he doesn't agree to counseling and fixing the root of his problem (dealing with stress), and this pattern of behavior continues, then that's a different story. 

  • If telling someone they need to stop drinking and gambling worked, there would be no addicts.

    Al-Anon for you.

    promised myself I'd retire when I turned gold, and yet here I am
  • imageTarponMonoxide:

    The minute her husband has a human moment and struggles he should just be tossed aside with no regard? What kind of wife would do that?

    One that cares about HER future and one that cares about herself, her future and her sself esteem and getting out before kids enter the picture.That's what kind.

    And don't get me started what it will be like for a kid to grow up with a drunken parent.

    This isn't just an ordinary human moment and struglling: this guy's a drunk. What he is doing is not normal behavior.

    Should he go to AA and get clean and sober and the OP stays with him: be advised it will be a day to day struggle for him and for her, particularly in the early stages of his recovery. Alcoholism in recovery is a day to day battle, even when this period of time has passed.

    So your dad is a drunk, then?  No objectivity.

    OP your husband is currently abusing alcohol and since he's also gambling I'm guessing he's an addict but there are so many issues here who knows.  Chicken and egg.

    What we do know is this can't continue. Tell him you're 100% supportive and will stand by him through unemployment and hard times IF he is sober, and working hard to turn things around.  Blaming you, drinking, abuse, all not acceptable.  If he continues that behavior he moves out. Now.

    I disagree w pp that life w someone in recovery is hell.  I've been sober for 7 years and have a great marriage and great life.   

  • imageTarponMonoxide:

    Are you certain he only started drinking very very recently? Sounds like he has been at it for quite awhile, probably before you were married -- and if that is that case, you overlooked this. Very very bad move; you should have run like hell back then, while you were still free and single. 

    Leave him immediately based on the fact he has a drinking problem. And he possibly also has a gambling problem.

    Run fastand run hard, right for the door. And keep GOING when you get to the door.

    The problem with an ultimatum is that you have to stand behind your word and you haven't done that. He's called your bluff and you're a pushover.

    And I very strongly suggest AlAnon for you, stat.

    Life with an alcoholic is no life at all; neither is life with somebody who has a possible gambling problem.

    He needs AA (and possibly rehab; a doc is the only one who can make a call whether or not he needs rehab) but I don't see him attending AA any time soon, nor do I see him admitting he's a drunk.

    I will bet you he is consuming a great many more than 6 beers a day -- and even if he is not, 6 beers a day is very excessive.

    Urinating on the wall, really? I'm pretty certain that type of behavior is only seen in somebody with a very advanced case of alcoholism. I'm surprised you weren't out of there the second he did that.

    Run fast and run hard. This is over and alcoholism is a dealbreaker. 

    I'd see an attorney and get your finances all ready -- and when that's done, leave this guy -- don't tell him you're filing --- and tell him flat out you are no longer going to be married to a drunk. You need a drunk and you need him like a hole in the damn head.

    Placing the blame on you for his drinking?

    Bullshit.

    Also very common for a drunk to blame somebody else for his being a drunk.

    HE is to blame for his drinking, not you.

    If you stay with this guy, he will bankrupt you; all of your money will go to the barman...and whoever it is he's gambling with.

    Leave him and the sooner the better. Go before he ruins your credit for good.

    This is already a joke...and so the hell is he....

    He felt horrible about the gambling and urinating in the house (even starting crying) and agreed that he needs to start working out again,

    Uh huh. He needs to start working OUT! Gee, by jove, that's the PROBLEM...

     HA HA.

    uh huh...But not "horrible" enough to say "I am an alcoholic and I am going to AA to get clean and sober. I will see a doctor to see if I need rehab."

    Bully to him he started crying. He's only crying because he's guilty.

    And taking $600 to gamble -- this is your money, also --- when he knows full well you and he are not in a financial position to do this and also no doubt he did this without your permission.

    You should have been livid about that money.

    And I'd make sure that it was only $600 --- you're certain it was only that amount? or did Mr. Wonderful say that it was that amount only?

    And no doubt he is drinking and driving. Don't ask me what I think of that.

    Get away from him now -- and file for divorce. You don't have a marriage at this point.

    Being he' took money without discussing it with you and who knows what else is at hand here, I'd run a credit check on yourself and on him. And I'd make sure he cannot access any of your money or assets.

    Why did he lose his job? Was it because of the drinking?

     This person is jumping to a whole lot of conclusions.  Marriage is a partnership.  Your husband is clearly going through a tough time.  If you were going through a tough time, would you want him to bolt?  You made a commitment to him.  For better or worse.  To honor that commitment, talking to him and trying to be supportive instead of judgmental helps.  I am not judging-this is HARD to do. But you know the person you married.  You wouldn't have married in him if you didn't love him.  So remember that he is still that person even though he is making mistakes.  He is a person, and just because he is making these mistakes doesn't mean he doesn't love you.  I'm not saying you should blame yourself, because it's not your fault, but maybe trying to see it in a different light would help.  So try everything you can to support him, and be sure to take care of yourself too.  Think about what your needs are and do what you can to get them met-seek friends, or a counselor, or your family, or al-anon. If he is abusing you, or if this behavior continues, then you should absolutely consider your options. But walking out of a marriage at the first sign of trouble isn't what it's supposed to be about.  Love isn't about analyzing what the other person can do for you, it's a choice.  You chose him, for better or worse.  Try and remember that and be there for him, even when it's hard-ESPECIALLY when it's hard. 

  • Honey, there will be marriage problems. That's a given - but whatever you do, don't leave. You made a promise to him on your wedding day, and that vow isn't something to take lightly. I would seek wise counsel from an older couple you look up to. They've been there, and they know you - they will be able to guide you in the right direction.
    "He is before all things, and in HIM all things hold together." Colossians 1:17
  • I agree that a lot of people are jumping to a whole lot of conclusions! Unfortunatly, alcoholism and depression have a lot of common symptoms and sometimes it can be difficult to distinguish between the two, especially when you don't have very much information. It is common for someone who has had a traumatic experience to automatically diagnose someone without having all of the facts.  Nevertheless, his drinking is obviously a problem, and one that MUST stop. I want to be clear that I am in no way, shape or form blaming you for his drinking, you are NOT responsible. However, try speaking to him differently and definitely do not give him ultimatums. The male ego is extremely fragile, we can easily emasculate our  men if we are not careful, especially when we give them ultimatums. His world is falling apart, he is out of control, he is a failure and now you are telling him that you may just walk out. That is a heavy load to bear. Try talking with him, be sure that he knows that you respect him and that things will come back together, reassure him that you will be there. If the drinking continues after that, then it is time to look at getting out. You made this commitment together, and I know if it were me I would want to do everything possible before calling it quits.
  • all marriages have their ups and downs...... men typically want to feel like they can provide for their family and if/when they can't they react differently than most woman do...... instead of crying to their family or friends, they keep it bottled inside and can resort to things like drinking and gambling..... just because he has been drinking more than usual and acting crazy.... doesn't mean he's an alcoholic and that you should run for the hills..... this is when he needs you the most. Do things to show him that you still appreciate him and that he provides for you in other ways besides being the breadwinner (idk many families now where the man is the sole breadwinner)..... maybe you guys should go to couples counseling or he should go talk to someone because he is definitely expressing himself in unhealthy ways......this tarpoonmonoxide person sounds like they are taking your description of your situation to the extreme and jumping to conclusions.... i would like to see how fast she would run if she were in your shoes.... many relationships go though this and it does not mean you should turn your back right now....... if your husband does have an issue with drinking or gambling than it would be a good idea for him to seek help, however there could be many other causes/solutions.... I wish you the best of luck and the person above should really think about giving advice about divorce and leaving unless they are in your shoes... im sure her life is not always perfect and sunny.
  • This sounds so much like a situation I was in with my husband. He was depressed and started drinking more than usual (and he had always been a somewhat heavy drinker (3-4 drinks a day, but getting REALLY drunk 3-4x a week). A few months later, he quit smoking (which I was thrilled about), but he seemed to compensate by drinking even more. It started becoming a problem, and I often wondered how we would resolve it. A few months later he got a DUI and was pretty much forced to admit his problem and take steps to deal with it. He went to therapy for months and started addressing the conditions that lead him to heavy drinking in the first place (mostly unresolved childhood sexual trauma....). He now drinks very little, a beer or two on the weekend. I am so happy with him and our marriage has significantly improved. While dealing with the fallout of the DUI (transporting him everywhere even though our work schedules are completely different, skyrocketed car insurance, 3K in fees.....) I maintain that getting a DUI was the best thing that ever happened to him.

     My point is, things CAN get better for you. With these major life changes, it seems like he us going through a really rough patch- has he been evaluated for depression? You might suggest he get a physical and see a therapist, it could really help. 

  • This is your life and you have to be willing to live with your decisions. As a nurse I can tell you [from what you've shared] that no one can promise your husband is an alcoholic, but I can say he is abusing alcohol to the point were it could turn into addiction pretty quickly.

    I suggest you set your own goals, or decided if you are okay with being married to this situation. If he can not admit he has a problem, you can not force him to admit it or treat it. You have to decide what you feel you have promised to him. Personally, the risks to myself if he becomes an alcoholic and a gambler would need to be considered. You have lots of options and if he will not join you at counselling you will have to make some tough decisions on your own, the job of a counselor is to help you make decisions not to force you into anything.

    I wish you the best of luck, but more importantly, a clear mind and the ability to know what you can take and what you can not.

    My favorite quote for this matter, yes it is religious but I am not saying you have to stay with your husband just that it might help you: 

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

     

    "Jeff, why are all the towels on the floor?" "Gravity, babe." " . . . Okay, true, but not what I meant."
  • Unless he is an abusive asshat I do not think breaking all ties is the first step. If he was ill with any physical ailment would you high tail it out of there? No? Okay then. Addiction is a disease. Try looking at it that way. There are things you should try first if you want to put every effort into making it work.

    He has to want to change for your marriage. No therapist can make him want that. You can't make him want that. So ask. You or rehab/therapy. Maybe suggest individual and couples therapy first and then lay that out once you've had a professional opinion. I highly suggest finding one who specializes in substance abuse and addiction. Gambling is an addiction as well.

    If he doesn't want to change you can do nothing. You do not have to stay attatched to toxic. This is more of a Jewish opinion than anything. Divorce is okay in that aspect. You get one life. If your husband wants to throw that away and you have tried EVERYTHING and he still refuses to change you can do nothing and should leave. But try first.

    You're not being judgemental. You're his wife. Your finances/lives are legally bound together. You have every right to expect him to not do something so destructive.
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