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Husband's Anger Issues
Hey everyone. I'm new here but wanted to get some advice. My husband and I have been married for a year. My husband had some issues before we got married (yes I know we should have addressed this before we got married) but it seems to have gotten worse recently. He's anxious or angry all the time. He isn't ever physically aggressive with me or anything like that but I do sometimes feel like I have to be careful to not stress him out or he gets totally mad and irrational and can't calm down. He hates his job, he seems to hate his life, he is just overall unhappy. Pretty much the only thing that helps him calm down is smoking pot and it's a constant battle between us that he smokes pot every day. He also has a history of being pretty close to being an alcoholic but was able to stop drinking on his own.
He ended up getting arrested last week after some ridiculous screaming argument in public with a total stranger who annoyed him. After that I have had enough of dealing with this nonsense although it did seem to be someone of a wake up call and he has agreed to get help.
He had a bad childhood with a crazy unmedicated bipolar mother and I know that is an underlying cause of all of this. Not sure if he inherited the bipolar disorder or just has issues as a result of living with her.
He was put on antidepressants by his regular doctor about a year ago but he's tried 2 and they don't seem to help plus I don't think they will really help with anger anyway. If he's bipolar it might be making things worse. We have insurance but we have a super high deductible which we will never meet so basically we might as well not even have insurance. We make too much money to get free counseling but not enough to afford $100-$200 a visit. I would love some advice if anyone has any ideas. We could probably afford counseling or a psychiatrist but not both at the same time. I don't know which would be a better place to start or if there is any help out there for middle income families. Also if anyone else has any ideas or has dealt with anything like this I would really appreciate any input.
Re: Husband's Anger Issues
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I'm not an expert by any means but has your H been to the Dr recently for a checkup? I bet his Dr could recommend resources for him/you. Also if you attend a church I bet a pastor could steer you in the right direction.
GL.
Angry all the time?
And he was like this while you were dating?
You should have politely called it quits and moved on. Who wants a guy who is angry or po'd all the time??
He shuld have sought help for this on his own. There are medical reasons for anger/mood issues -- and not all of them are bipolar in nature: it could be thyroid or hormonal or even a hypoglycemia/diabetes issue or another type of medical issue that is altering his behavior completely.
These issues are fixable and medicate-able. THat is the good news.
He needs to get to a doc for a complete checkup. Let them rule out the medical conditions I named.
I would make the doc check up a MUST and I'd tell him that if he does NOT go it is a dealbreaker and you are out of there: I mean it.
His health could be at stake over this. He can't mess around when a possible medical condition could be a factor.
And he calms down by smoking pot?
Wow...for this alone you need to leave: illegal drug use is a dealbreaker, even if it is"just pot." NOT ACCEPTABLE.
And sorry but a newsbreak: he may be a true alcoholic or at best somebody who is a problem drinker; he needed to see somebody from AA about his drinking issue. I can't determine if he's a real alcoholic but at best, again: when you knew he liked his booze too much, it was time to go.
you can go to AA yourself and bounce his drinking problem off them -- and for all you know, he may be secretly drinking. It is very possible for a problem drinker to hide their drinking problem.
And if it turns out he is a problem drinker, he STILL needs to go to AA. If he doesn't get your ass away from him and leave him.
And Alanon for you, STAT.
He also needs counseling and the attention of an anger management counselor. That is a MUST.
His behavior is not normal. Please do as I suggested. GL.
I totally agree we should have addressed it before we got married. But we didn't so there isn't much I can do about that now. He isn't actually angry all the time - I guess I shouldn't have worded it like that. Most of the time things are great. He does however get angry much more easily than is anywhere reasonable (crazy road rage, that type of thing) and he can't calm down in a reasonable amount of time either. So it's still an issue.
The problem drinking was before we met. We have been together for 3 years. I am concerned that he has that in his history but it's not a current issue. I know plenty about addiction and have no concerns that he's secretly drinking. Honestly I know I might get flamed for this but I wouldn't care about the weed either other than he is addicted to it. It's not really a dealbreaker for me. But he is recently getting to the point where he needs it (doesn't smoke during work but all evening when he gets home and totally stressed without it) and that is a big issue for me.
He did get a physical exam recently - no concerns. Primary care doctor is the one who put him on anti-depressants but they aren't going to do anything for his anger. I'm just wondering where to start. Psychiatrist, anger management, regular counseling? He pretty much needs all 3 but we probably can't afford all at once.
Also we have a church but don't really attend regularly anymore so I don't know that talking to our pastor is a great option.
The primary concern here is your DH's mental and physical safety and also the mental and physical safety of you (and others in public). He should seek medical attention first. Once he is in a place to begin, then go the marital counseling route.
As his wife, you are with him "for better or for worse." And, it really seems like this is your stance. It's good since he probably needs consistency and support now. However, if things turn ugly and you feel unsafe, scared or uneasy around him, it is perfectly okay to do what you need to do to take care of yourself...leave temporarily, move out, etc.
As with most situations like this, your DH will only seek help and recover if he admits he has a problem first. This will undoubtedly take a toll on you. There are community support groups that you can check out.
What you are facing is a big deal. Don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise (including your DH).
There are low cost clinics you can look into -- don't delay the intervention because you can't afford it. It's important that he take care of this issue and stat.
If you know anything about alcoholism and problem drinking -- and you say you do --- why wasn't this issue a problem to you when you were dating? Do you want a dry drunk? Because that is what he is; he did not stop drinking alcohol with the help of AA and a sponsor and/or a drug and alcohol counselor.
AlAnon for you, stat.
I'd say goodbye just because of the pot. No money for counseling but he has money for grass? How come you don't have an issue right there?
He gets stressed if he doesn't get his grass?
How come you're tolerating this bullshit?
Your husband is addicted to pot and "might" have a drinking problem. He needs to go to AA and you need to go to Al Anon. Many people think you can't have an addiction to pot but that is untrue. It can cause mood swings and cause anxiety which I am sure you have noticed. Have you seen any times when he hasn't gotten high in a few hours where he snaps or is angry more quickly than when he has just gotten stoned? Is he anxious when he has not gotten high for a while?
And as a pp mentioned, you do have enough money for counseling, he is just spending it all on pot. A nice daily, all day pot habit can cost $120 a week. That is a lot of money he is wasting away on something that will cause him nothing but trouble while he emotionally detaches from you and the world.
It is not good to be mixing anti depressants with pot or alcohol so it is no wonder they didn't "work". Personally I don't think anti depressants are always such a good fix. I think your husband needs to get sober and learn to manage his emotions but that will be up to him. Al anon would be your first step towards learning what you need to do in this situation.
I'd insist on him seeing a psychiatrist which it sounds like you could swing if you aren't doing counseling as well. Get him in there fast and make sure it's an actual psychiatrist who can evaluate your husband, medicate him, and continue to work with him through therapy and medication to get his troubles in check.
I would not leave him unless he refuses to see a psychiatrist and follow through to get mentally healthy as this probably is a mental health issue. If you have ANY reason though to be worried about your safety you should temporarily move in with a family member or close friend while remaining supportive of your husband seeing a doctor.
Also as a side note, antidepressants are tricky medications. I've known many close people who have been put on them, bounced around to various types, trying to get the medication right, and they just made the person more off balance. They can also make a person numb to emotions and overall "off". It doesn't sound like this is what would help your husband, as you said.
Honestly I know I might get flamed for this but I wouldn't care about the weed either other than he is addicted to it. It's not really a dealbreaker for me. But he is recently getting to the point where he needs it (doesn't smoke during work but all evening when he gets home and totally stressed without it) and that is a big issue for me.
The money he is using for the weed can go towards the help he needs instead. If he is willing to really get help then he will go through anything to make that happen. He doesn't need a quick fix. He needs a long term solution. He will be stressed but he needs to do it.
I do believe you should keep at it like you already are. It's nice to see a person practicing the whole "for better or for worse" part.
He would be going to counseling every week and then the psychiatrist maybe twice a year. You can afford both. This is destroying him and he needs help, if one of you needs to get a second job to pay for appointments, so be it.
I'm not sure he is necessarily bipolar, it sounds like he needs therapy in addition to medication. Just being on medication is rarely enough for people who have significant problems. He needs to learn coping mechanisms. He might also be bipolar, or have ODD or ADD or addictive tendencies, but you won't know until he gets into counseling.
He sounds a little bit like how my husband used to be. My husband also had a very tumultuous childhood and developed anger issues because of it as well. His parents were both addicted to drugs for a good part of their marriage and then divorced on somewhat bad terms. His mom is also bipolar as well as struggled with alcoholism for years after that, although now she has now been sober for almost 4 years. Even still, he suffered though that as well. He didn't ever turn drugs or alcohol nor get into any legal trouble because of it, but it did make him an angry child, as well as a bit socially awkward and very quick to anger into adulthood which caused some pretty big fights for us while we were dating. However, he is a completely different man today (except for the occassional foul language), but given all the other wonderfully positive changes he's made, I gladly take the cursing over everything else.
Anyway, my point its, if you can only afford one, I highly suggest that you find a therapist for HIM alone. Not marriage counseling, not joint therapy. Most people find it very hard to be completely honest with personal issues when their spouse is present. My husband even told me that he felt more at ease with me not there because he didn't want me to think less of him. I was a bit hurt at first that he thought I would judge him for issues that he couldn't really control but I understood his feelings and respected his wishes. Since it sounds like these are more personal, emotional issues that your husband is suffering rather than joint marital issues, I think the individual therapy will do very good for him. For my husband, after about 2-3 months of weekly (sometimes semi-weekly) sessions, his therapist was able to help him pinpoint the cause of his anger, and help him release it. Since then, my husband has been wonderful and nowhere even close to as angry as he used to be. I don't want it to seem like a magical cure, because he still had to make a conscious effort to following the guidelines that the therapist set for him, even still to this day, but his much happier and healthier knowing how to deal with it all properly. It's going on two years since his therapy ended (it could have kept going I supposed, but DH thought it wasn't necessary after a while) and he only gets better and better. I highly recommend this for your husband. Good luck lady.
Here's what I would do.
Look for low-cost clinics. One of the best ways to see someone cheaply is through a psychology doctorate (or master's) training program. Most schools have their own training clinic so their students can get supervised hours. These students typically have 1-2 clients at a time and are heavily supervised, so the quality of care is usually excellent. We used to spend hours planning a single session! Now that I practice I'm lucky if I get 10 minutes to prep for someone. We charged on a sliding scale based on salary, with the max being $25.
I'd also get your H in with a psychiatrist. In fact, if for some reason you have to choose, I would start with the psychiatrist; then, once your H has a good cocktail going he can dial back to twice a year or whatever and focus on therapy. Ideally you can start both at once if you find a low-cost clinic. A history of bipolar indicates that at least part of your H's problems are likely chemical in nature and therapy may only take him so far, so don't sacrifice the psychiatrist.