Trouble in Paradise
Barbara83
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
He's a slob!
My fiance is an absolute slob. He never picks up after himself, he's unorganized, and hates cleaning. I'm not a neat freak but I like things clean and organized to an extent. We're currently not living together but plan on getting a place soon. The way he lives absolutely disgusts me but whenever I clean up for him or suggest that he cleans he gets upset and says he'll get to it when he can. It's to the point where I'm having doubts about marrying him because I don't know if I can live having to pick up after him all the time because I don't think he'll do it himself. I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him that when we live together things can't be the way they are in his current apartment but I felt like he was just yessing me to get through the conversation. I feel like if he knows that I'll pick up after him then why should he do it himself. What is a good way to deal with the situation?
Re: He's a slob!
Can you stand living with a slob for the next 50 years, day in and day out, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week 365/366 days a year, for 50 years?
If his eagerness to live in a pigsty annoys you now, it will later. Take it from me.
And if you positvely cannot stand to live with a slob, nor can you stand cleaing up after him since he will never change his ways, MOVE ON NOW. Don't commit to a marriage with a slob.
YOu are going to be his wife.
You are supposed to be his better half and equal partner.
Youre not his maid, his landress, his housekeeper, his fumigator, his muck out squad nor are you his nursemaid.
And if he is just yessing you to tell you what you want to hear, that is a bigger problem than a guy who is a pig. he is supposed to LISTEN to you and do what is right for you and for him and he's supposed to respect and listen to what you say.
I don't think he is a good bet for marriage. He also doesn't sound mature either.
Wishing you luck with this. Let us know what happens.
There's another possibility here, which is that you and your FI could sit down and have a calm, grown-up conversation about the differences in your preferred living styles. There are lots of things like this that come up when you live together (you should have heard the argument H and I had about what kind of shower curtain to buy right after we moved in together ... sigh), and I think the question isn't just who's going to "win," but whether you can find workable compromises.
My H, left to his own devices, is a pretty messy guy too. He leaves piles of clothes everywhere and stacks dishes in the sink in really gravity-defying ways. I have my own little less-than-tidy habits too (I leave stacks of books and magazines everywhere, for example). So we sat down and talked - it wasn't "why are you such a slob," it was "here are some things that are especially important to me about the way the house gets kept. Do you think there are some strategies we could think about to try to do these things most of the time?"
Now, that's not to say that we're doing a perfect job, but we're improving. H suggested, on his own, that we buy him a big hamper and put it right in the spot next to the bed where he used to keep his biggest clothes pile. What's important is his willingness to work with me and to do things - even things that don't necessarily matter to *him* - because he loves me and wants to be a good partner.
So, from my perspective, I guess the dealbreaker wouldn't be the messiness itself, but an inability or unwillingness to talk and work with you in a constructive and loving way.
All of this. H and I had a similar conversation. He does much better because it's important to me.
This! He may never be a neat freak, but he should know that being clean and organized means something to you and be willing to try. If he will really work on it, then I think you should stick with him. But moving in before you get married should help you see whether he really means that he is going to help or not. GL!
The bolded is exactly the problem, he knows it.
It seems like this really comes down to what kind of guy he is. The fact that you said that you felt he was just "yessing" you is ominous, IMO. But some of the other replies make it clear that a man who cares about his wife and respects her is willing to compromise to help keep harmony in the house, and clean up after himself when you're around.
That is how my father was--when my mother was away, he was a slob, but he made a significant effort when she was around because he knew it was important to her.
My soon to be ex-H was a guy who wouldn't try, and the house was always messy. I tried not cleaning up, thinking he would eventually, but he never did. It was astonishing how long he would let things go. It is not the reason why we are divorcing but over time I realized that I was never really comfortable in my home, since it was always so much messier than I could tolerate well.
So...try to talk to him more about this, maybe even suggest some counseling to help set ground rules before you move in together. See which type of guy he is. Good luck to you!
aren't they all!
big wet footprints all over the bedroom floor really annoys me! grrrrrrrrrrrr
i second the idea of getting a once a week maid, make him pay for it out of his man time money. He'll soon catch on
I like the man making him pay for it part. But... I think split it down the middle except for the extra stuff that's his. For example, he has to pay $30extra a week because the maid has to pick up and wash, etc all his laundry while she does her own.
I think that's a good idea. Sometimes it's worth it to spend the extra money if it will keep peace in the house. Sometimes money can buy happiness haha. It seems like the mess doesn't bother him but it bothers me. Like a PP mentioned, I don't want to have to feel uncomfortable in my own house all the time. If he wants to be messy then he can pay for a maid. Maybe it will get him to think about his actions more if he doesn't want to spend money. Either way I think that's a good way to help me keep my sanity. I will talk to him about it.
Thanks for all the great advice everyone! Much appreciated!