I'm worried about DH's son visiting...

jaime ma famille

DH has two children from a previous marriage (older, 18 and 16), and they live with their mother in a different state. Now, the 16 year old son is NOT his biological son.  During the divorce (the son was 8 at the time) they did a paternity test and found out that he was not his son - the mother cheated on my DH at the time.  However, he still calls DH "dad" and they have a good relationship, because obviously he was mostly raised to think of DH as his father.  In any case, both kids are supposed to come up for a visit in two weeks. His daughter has always been on the straight-and-narrow. She has good grades, a job, respectful, etc. However, his son has been in a lot of trouble lately. He has been in a juvenile detention center four times already for various things - vandelism, stealing. Now, he is in there again because he "allegedly" assaulted a police officer at his school. He is in this detention center until his court date next week. Apparently, he was in a meeting with the school principal (a return from suspention meeting - he had been in a fight at school), and when they told him he had to return to class, he got angry and walked away. The school police officer grabbed his arm, and DH's son got mouthy with him and a "fight" ensued. Someone claims that DH's son tried to grab for the police officer's gun, even. There are many versions of the story. My DH keeps saying that he "doesn't believe the story" and "there's no way he did what they are saying." He also says that his son needs to get some respect and straighten up. Honestly, I think his son has absolutely no discipline because both parents have turned a blind eye to him his whole life. Case in point. My DH also says that he doesn't believe his son will be given any further harsh consequences besides the time he has already served in the juvenile detention center, and that he thinks all the time he is sitting in there "will be good for him." I have a young child myself, and I really don't want this kid to be staying in the same house with us when he visits. I know that sounds harsh, as a SM, but I don't feel safe! He obviously has issues that he needs to deal with/needs help with, and I'm very concerned about having him in our home for a lengthy visit (they are supposed to be here a month). What if he gets in trouble here? How will we handle police/arrests/court here? It's just too much.

ReturnOfKuus

I'm more than a little surprised that you're okay with your young child being in the house with a father so lax that it leads to delinquency.

tiffanysbride

You need to let legal action happen and his son need to get a dose of tough love. He needs to see the consequences of his actions before he is an adult and while he can still change. I could see having issues when you find out your dad is not your dad, your parents divorce and the dad you've always known moves to another state. Maybe it is time for some family counseling, I feel a little bad for this boy truth be told. 

At the same time you have to protect yourself. Be clear with your DH what the rules and expectations are for your home. Talk to him before he comes and let him know he has to follow the rules or there will be consequences, even if you need to call the police or end the visit. Keep a close eye on everyone and do not leave them alone together. Start looking for family counselors and set up some appointments before they arrive. 

JemmaWRX

I think your step-son and your husband are in for a rude awakening.  He sounds like a criminal in the making.  I highly doubt a juvenile detention center is going to give this kid the a-ha moment your husband thinks it will.

I'm sure your husband wants to see him and spend time with him since they obviously can't on a regular basis.  But I totally understand your concern.  If I HAD to choose.... I'd say let the kid come.  He is your husband's child (even if not biologically) and he wants to see him.  In a sense, he has an obligation to this kid.  Keep your distance if need be.  Encourage your husband to plan activities to keep him occupied, i.e. OUT OF TROUBLE!

That's really a tough situation and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

doglove

ReturnOfKuus:

I'm more than a little surprised that you're okay with your young child being in the house with a father so lax that it leads to delinquency.

I'm not with this poster.  

dalm0m

Have you discussed your concerns with your husband?  Does he co-parent your child & will you have the authority to co-parent his kids when they are with you? 

I'd work with DH to establish house rules -- curfews, chores, etc.  I would have a routine for all the kids & set in advance what the punishments will be if the rules aren't followed.  In the beginning I wouldn't leave any of the kids unsupervised. 

 

I suspect his son is feeling lost, confused, rejected . . . . & just all sorts of identity / abandonment issues.  He needs reassurance, love (but not coddling) & maybe some therapy.  The bad behavior is acting out & while it does seem to be escalating hopefully with professional help -- both legal & psychological -- the kid can be reformed to function normally & happily.

 

I would be kind, graciously & motherly to him while he's with you.  My EX had a teenager who would often scream at me "You're not my mother" to which I usually replied along the lines of -- "No I am not but I am adult who is charged with your safety & this is my house so I am entitled to respect & really do you actually think your mother would be proud of the way you are carrying on right now?"  That usually took the wind out of his sails so we could get to the heart of whatever the real problem was.  Another response to assertions of independence involves pointing out the immature behavior & offering specific suggestions for mature behavior which would entitle him to increased independence.

 If your step son does violate the law while he is with you, you & your DH will have to let the police handle it & let the chips fall where they may. Perhaps those shocks will wake him up.   

Tofumonkey

I'd be worried too - and I think that the poster above gave you a really good line in response to "you're not my mom", as well as good advice.

I'd be loving and firm, but more aware of what is going in your house than usual during the visit ie: not leaving him home alone if it can be avoided, not leaving jewellery or cash / credit cards out and in easy to access areas. Don't treat the kid like a criminal, but don't tempt him either.

Your DH is his parent, not you, so follow his lead. If you can, I'd try to keep them busy - can you set up activities for them to do or go to while they are visiting? (passes to local theme park, pools, movie theaters, get an Xbox or something) - the less bored he is the less he'll be able to get into trouble, right?

And if he does get into trouble, follow the natural progression of these consequences as they happen - ie: police get involved, the police will guide you with what to do next and how to handle these things (court, etc.). Plan for a bunch of time with just him and his dad together and hopefully they can talk some stuff out and bond, which this kid sounds like he could really need.

You sound really sweet and like you can be a really good and positive influence in this kid's life. I hope things go really well during the visit and if they don't, I'm sure you will handle it well. Good luck.

Ms.Jade

Maybe it's just me, but I feel bad for this kid. My guess is that he's known his whole life that he doesn't really fit in this family and is acting out based on that. All he needs is one more person telling him what family he's not really a part of. What has he done to you? What if you welcomed him and made him feel a part of your family instead of deciding he's going to be a problem before he even gets there? Imagine that.

KonaCoffeeBean

Ms.Jade:

Maybe it's just me, but I feel bad for this kid. My guess is that he's known his whole life that he doesn't really fit in this family and is acting out based on that. All he needs is one more person telling him what family he's not really a part of. What has he done to you? What if you welcomed him and made him feel a part of your family instead of deciding he's going to be a problem before he even gets there? Imagine that.

 

This. I work with a lot of "troubled" youth, and you have no idea how much their parents (bio, step, foster, etc) need this advice.