Family Matters
MandyJS11
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Raising someone else's child, and now I never want kids.
My husband and I were made responsible for raising his younger brother. During this process my mother in law has become an even bigger night mare, our debt load skyrocketed and I have to postpone my schooling, all for this child and the debt taking him on caused. I used to believe I wanted a family but since having this boy I fear I would regret having kids. I have become a person I don't like, I am depressed, angry, resentful, and generally miserable. We are the only option for this child and I will not ask my husband to give up on his brother but it's hurting me having him. I'm at a loss at what to do, and I fear I've lost who I am. How do I know if I really no longer want children, or if this is just a faze because of the current situation?
Re: Raising someone else's child, and now I never want kids.
In your situation I'd contact a social worker or the currant government agency you are working with. See if as the child, he doesn't qualify for certain government programs. Heath care and even WICK, he has to qualify for something. If you aren't getting answers, keep calling until you get them.
I am guessing your young and newly married. Having a difficult teen in your life and house isn't fun. As to a future of a child of your own, it's your choice to make. I'll all I will say, it's very different when it's your own child. I love my brother and family very much but the love I have for my child out weighs them. It's not a sacrifice like it would be with another person. Very hard to explain.
With that said, you are still young and have many years to grow, be married, and sort through this BIL mess. I didn't have my first child until age 33 so you have easily a decade to come into your own and look at things with a mature outlook. In the end, yours and your DH's choice is what you make of it. Whether you decide to have kids or not don't let the decision be solely based on your experience with your BIL.
If not and this is some sort of agreement between him and the mother, you SHOULD.
You should also be receiving some sort of "child support" --- if he was placed in your home as per a legal decision by the court, there should be some sort of monetary compensation per month for his support and "upkeep."
If this was something legal where child services was part of the decision maker, it's very likely he has issues also stemming from the neglect; he probably needs a therapist/mental health professional's care, also.
You and your H are very young; you have zero experience raising kids. Sure this is going to be tough for you and your spouse.
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Good luck to you-sounds like an awful situation all around. I hope you find the help you need.
Not to mention this is a great deal for the 2 of you to bite off and chew. Caretaking a child is demanding and even more so if there are issues that the child has.
Get yourselves to an attorney today -- get a social worker to recommend somebody who has good experience in guardianship/conservatorship of a child.
He also needs house rules.
Sit down with him and make it an agreement that he is to do things like be relatively neat in the home, get good grades, don't mouth off to adults, obey a curfew, tell you where he is going and with who and what time he will be back (a time the 3 of you have agreed on), that he stays out of trouble in school and that he gets involved in one sport and one extracurricular activity.
The extracurricular activity can be anything: a school club, Scouts, something your town sponsors for kids via the rec department, etc.
The last 2 are for him --- he'll make some good friends and learn to work on an endeavor as a team.
Derek Jeter had an agreement like the one I described --- it's in his book if you want to read more about it.
Know his friends and where they live and get to know the parents. If you don'/t like the kid for a very good reason, then he's not permitted to be a friend of that person.
Every kid's got a cell phone but given his situation, get him the kind of phone that only makes phone calls: no texting, no pictures, just phone calls. There are many on the market. Jitterbug is one of them.