Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help! My fiance and sister don't get along
So this past weekend my fiance and I moved into our home. Both families came to help us. My fiance has never cared for my sister but always put up with her for me. Well this past weekend my fiance asked that my parents not bring their 3 dogs to the new house. My parents, who came from out of town to bring us furniture and help, didn't have anywhere to put the dogs all day other than my sister's apartment (an hour away). Since we would all be working all day they said they needed to bring them. My fiance and I agreed that putting them in the basement was a good compromise. Well, after the dogs were down there, they started barking and one clawed the door. My future MIL started yelling that the dogs were scratching the door and the house was stinking of dog. (mind you she has two huskies). This upset my fiance who was already on edge.
My sister started to defend my parents needing the dogs here and I defending my fiance not wanting them in the new house right away. In typical fashion for my sister, she mouthed off to me (reason my fiance doesn't like her). My fiance then yelled at my sister, defending me (even though I didn't need him to). My mom wanted the fighting to stop said to both of them "Stop fighting." My fiance took it as my mom defending my sister's actions. He stormed off. He now wants me to choose between him and my sister. I can't do this, but he is threatening to walk out. What do I do?
Oh and to top it all off my future MIL told me and my parents that he would easily walk out of the relationship because he can't stand my sister. Saying that I don't matter to him at all. I was in complete shock and now my parents are angry and feel she disrespected me (which I agree she did). How can I now address this issue? My fiance is siding with his mom here.
Re: Help! My fiance and sister don't get along
Hmm that is a bit complicated. Can you give some more details as to why he doesn't like your sister. Unless he has a history of being over dramatic, she must be pretty bad considering he is wants to end the engagement over this.
If you have a history of just taking it when your sister yells at you, then I can see how he would be hurt. He stood up for you and might feel like you threw him under the bus all because you don't want your original family to be mad at you. If that is the case, then yes I believe he is right to be mad. He is probably wanting you to be a team and choose to stand together before you get married, not after because we all know wedding rings don't contain magic fairy dust. If you won't put him first before you are married, then you won't do it after.
You also said you can't choose between him and your sister. What does that mean ? Do you realize that when you say your wedding vows, that is exactly what you are promising to do ? To put him above all others and let no one come between ? Yes, you choose him before your mom, your dad and your sister. He comes before all of them.
Now, I also believe he is being a hypocrite. His mother said some terrible things to you and your parents. That shouldn't be tolerated either and it is unfair for him to act like his mom is exempt from treating you with respect.
So this past weekend my fiance and I moved into our home. Both families came to help us. My fiance has never cared for my sister but always put up with her for me. Well this past weekend my fiance asked that my parents not bring their 3 dogs to the new house. My parents, who came from out of town to bring us furniture and help, didn't have anywhere to put the dogs all day other than my sister's apartment (an hour away). Since we would all be working all day they said they needed to bring them. My fiance and I agreed that putting them in the basement was a good compromise. Well, after the dogs were down there, they started barking and one clawed the door. My future MIL started yelling that the dogs were scratching the door and the house was stinking of dog. (mind you she has two huskies). This upset my fiance who was already on edge.
What they needed: CRATES. One for each dog.
But the horse is out of the barn.
And it's likely these dogs are not neutered.
Your parents need to be sharper about the care of their dogs --- intact male dogs can develop a myriad of problems, not to mention they spray. Hence the stinky smell...and they should reimbuse you for the cost of the clean up. Shame on them.
My sister started to defend my parents needing the dogs here and I defending my fiance not wanting them in the new house right away. In typical fashion for my sister, she mouthed off to me (reason my fiance doesn't like her).
The dog issue should have been said and done and a dead topic. She also needed to shut her yap about the dogs.
My fiance then yelled at my sister, defending me (even though I didn't need him to). My mom wanted the fighting to stop said to both of them "Stop fighting." My fiance took it as my mom defending my sister's actions. He stormed off. He now wants me to choose between him and my sister. I can't do this, but he is threatening to walk out. What do I do?
THis is childish indeed. Choose? Give me a break.
He and she need to call A TRUCE. That is what is needed.
Oh and to top it all off my future MIL told me and my parents that he would easily walk out of the relationship because he can't stand my sister. Saying that I don't matter to him at all. I was in complete shock and now my parents are angry and feel she disrespected me (which I agree she did). How can I now address this issue? My fiance is siding with his mom here.
Siding with his mom?
I think it's time for you to rethink this guy. That's what.
This is all strange. None of this is a reason to break up an engagement. Troubles with dogs? Laundry lists of "who disrespected who"?
He doesn't like your sister being mean to you, so he's making you choose between her and him? Even though she hasn't done anything to him?
And he sides with his mom, who thinks that your sister is an easy reason to walk out of the engagement? His mom was also technically the instigator, since before she said anything everyone was fine with the solution that had been reached.
This seems like it was either already at the boiling point or a sample of everyone blowing everything out of proportion, always.
What actually happened won't matter, since it's now a matter of respect and pride. The only way to make good on this is for everyone to swallow their pride and make re-conciliatory gestures saying that they didn't mean it. If the people involved can't do that and offense is taken because they can't, the future may not be easy.
Your FI sided with his mother who was totally wrong. It isn't her house, you and your FI agreed about the dogs and she way over stepped by telling you he would leave you over your sister.
With no one around, sit your FI down and have a conversation about what happened. To be so easily angry at each other over the words and actions of others does not make for a good future. I would also look into premarital counseling for you both.
Here's the way I see it:
1. You BOTH agreed to "compromise" and let the dogs come - so your family could HELP YOU, don't forget. It turned out to be a disaster. It put you both on edge. But it happened. Lesson learned.
2. Your sister defended your parents. You defended your FI. She mouthed off to you. In turn, your FI "yelled at her." He had no reason to fight this battle as it was between you and your sister. And I don't think "yelling" was a justifiable response to this situation at all.
3. Your Mom told them both to "stop fighting" and he's got his panties in a twist because he thinks your Mom was defending her daughter? Most parents I know will defend their kid, but that's not even what happened here. She told them both to knock it off.
I think your FI is completely out of line. He picked a fight he had no business getting involved in. My sister and I have argued in the past, and said some pretty terrible things to one another and never once did our husbands step in other than to tell us both to cool it.
This story pales in comparison to some of the fucked up things I've experienced with my ILs and the thought to give my husband an ultimatum - me or them - never crossed my mind. He's threatening to leave you over this? Just think about it - your families came to help you, it turned out to be a clusterfuck, he got into an argument with your sister, and he's willing to end your engagement? JFC, this guy sounds crazy.
If so, show him the (freshly clawed by dogs) door.