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He wants a baby? Not sure how to reply ?
I was hoping to get some insight and advice.
My fiance really wants a baby. He's really been pushing this in the last few months. I'm 25 he's 32. He says he doesn't want to be to old before he has kids. When we first got together 4 years ago we were on the fence and then a few years later choose not to have kids.
As of right now I moved to follow him. He moved back to where he grew up. So I currently have no job, and our place is tiny. I feel a lot of pressure not only from my fiance to have a child.
I keep hearing their's no right time, and it's ok. But I don't think now is a good time. And I'd like to be married first. My fiance thinks we should go this weekend and just get married and go from there. But their's issues with that, as I don't want to change my last name as well as other things.
As of right now, were always around his brother's kids all different ages and for now that's enough for me. I enjoy being an aunt, a lot. But I don't think I'm ready to be a mother. It's a lot of work, and time, and everything else. I don''t know if I'll ever be ready. And I'm not sure how women are ready? Or what makes them want a child exactly. I mean yes I want them but as of now, no. In 5 years? Maybe.
I'm not sure if I'm being selfish as I like my alone time right now, and doing my own thing when I want. Plus before we had always moved around a lot and I wouldn't want to do that with a child. I also have no family out here they are 4 hours away. Over all i'm just scared. Really scared. About having one and taking care of one. Which I'm sure everyone is at some point. But I just don't feel ready. But like I asked before how do you know when you're ready?
Re: He wants a baby? Not sure how to reply ?
Do you want kids or not? In the beginning you said that eventually you and FI decided to NOT have kids. Now, you're saying maybe in another 5 years. Which one is it? This decision isn't something you should be flip-flopping about. Either you want them or not. No one can pressure you to have kids if you don't want them. Just like no one can pressure your FI to NOT have kids.
You need to decide if you do ultimately want to have kids. If that's the case then talk to your FI about the reasons why you want to wait. You have very valid reasons for wanting to wait. Parenting is no joke. DH and I waited almost 2 years before trying. We were already in our early 30s otherwise I might have waited longer. I'm extremely happy to have my kids, they're tiring, frustrating little buggers but they are my world. BUT, I would never take away all the wonderful experiences DH and I shared as a couple and as a married couple.
I can understand your FI's concern about age but unless he plans to be decrepit by age 40 I don't see what the rush is especially when he's pushing you to marry now just to have kids. Also, IMO I don't think starting a family immediately after marrying is the best idea. Clearly there needs to be a compromise so maybe not 5 years but be willing to discuss kids again in 2 more years.
So this circles back to whether or not you want to have kids. You are NEVER fully ready to have kids. Even when DH and I thought we were pretty ready (financially, mentally, emotionally) we were still thrown for a loop and a ride on a rollercoaster. We have an awesome relationship and yet a baby still tested that foundation over and over again.
So, if you do decide that YOU want kids then I suggest offering up that compromise. If you know in your hearts you never want kids than you need to consider if being in this relationship is the best for the two of you.
A kid-less person's thoughts:
The decision to have kids isn't something to be flip-flopped over. Your fiance had a change of heart, but he can't expect you to simply change with him in a day!
Also it really sounds like now IS NOT the appropriate time to have kids. If you want a job instead of being a SAHM you should establish yourself at one before having children. You're surrounded by his support system and none of yours. I believe you should at least be comfortable with your living situation and finances before having a child if it can be helped. Also, if possible, YOU should be comfortable, not just him! It kinda sounds like he has you cornered, which is not good. There is "we'll make it work" and "we're forging ahead blindly and stupidly!" Notice how to above poster was tested even with all of the "proper" things taken care of first. Most people I talk to agree.
And if he is your fiance, it would be better to be married first-many couples get pregnant during the engagement and then split before marriage. Btw, there is no problem not changing your name. I did not change mine.
So now for the biggy:
Do you want to be a mom? Do you ever want to be a mom? Can you see yourself being fulfilled by it?
Mothers being mothers by pure instinct is baloney. There are definetly many women with correct instincts, but too many women abandon their children or mistreat them for lack thereof. Even if taken care of, if you would have preferred life without the kid...well, they will know. You don't have to be a horrible person for the latter to happen. Just someone who had a baby for the wrong reasons.
Some women are just not meant to be mothers. Are you someone who having a child just does not appeal to now or ever? It's ok if you are.
It would be far more selfish to have a baby to appease your fiance than to hold out to have one come into the world wanted in a good situation.
Whoa...the 2 of you are just engaged.
What you and he need to do:
Sit down and discuss the topic like 2 reasonable adults --- and derive a solution that is feasible and satisfactory to the both of you: it has to be a joint decision.
Judging from what you said, you are not ready for a child right now. Tell that to him --- and if he still pushes having a baby and he won't agree to wait until the BOTH of you are ready --- sorry to say it but rethink him.
It's essential that he be in agreement with you on everything major that will affect the both of you: money, sex, religion and the topic of having a family.
You may not wish to bear kids, or adopt, or be a parent: this is something for you to decide. And it's essential that your partner is in agreement with you on that, also, if that is what your ultimate decision turns out to be.
Don't bring a kid into the picture due to peer pressure. Not a good idea.
I largely agree w/ the first 2 posters - you have a LOT of soul searching to do. And a part of that searching is deciding if your FI is really the right guy for you. Maybe he is - i'm not saying he isn't. But honestly- you don't sound incredibly happy w/ where you are right now in your life. First, a child will not fix this. And second, YOU need to figure out what YOU want. And what does your FI see fo ryour future? You live near his family. You don't seem happy about that. Is it even a possibility to move near your family or.... what?
You've got a lot to figure out and I will say that to me, in reading your post, you are NOT ready to have a child right now. You do have time. Even your FI has time. Cripes - he's ONLY 32.
One thing I do disagree with - having kids is not a "either you know or you don't" thing. Yes, some people DO know w/ absolute certainty. But you are far, far, far from the first person to "flip flop" on this issue. not everyone innately knows what they want, and especially the younger you are - I can absolutely understand why you're confused or not sure.
BUT - as you are flip-flopping - it's absolutely a sign that right now isn't the time to have a child. Doing so just to make your FI happy is NOT a good enough reason.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You two need to have a long talk and figure out what your future looks like BEFORE you even get married. Kids, living location and careers are something you need to be on the same page about or it will never work out in the long run. Even if you make him happy and give him this child he wants and you weren't really sure you may always feel disconnected from the mother thing. Kids are not for everyone. I understand though you still haven't made a decision of yes they are or aren't but ask yourself when you are with the brothers kids can you see yourself doing what they are doing and do kids in general make you happy. Don't get married before you ready and definitely don't have kids unless your sure its what you want.
P.S. name changing is an option, have you discussed with him keeping your name. and are you willing to compromise if its an issue with him and hyphenate your name
Thank you, I know that right not in this moment I am not ready for a child. I feel like I know for everyone it's different but I'm only 25 I still feel like to me I'm just to young to have a child. What do I really know about raising another human? I still feel like at 25 I have a lot of time to still think about having kids. My mom didn't have me till she was 31 so I really don't feel a rush or understand why there is a rush?
We have been engaged for quite awhile since 2011 but we ended up not going through with the wedding. Now 2 years later he's ready to try again. And as for changing my name we still can't agree on that even.
I haven't spoken to him yet, he works nights so he won't be up for another few hours.
And as for moving we just moved away from my family and moved near his. This is where he feels he wants to settle down. We used to move around a lot due to work. But now we have agreed to stop and settle.
As of right now I enjoy just being an aunt. I love being around the kids and hanging out and doing crafts with them. But at the end of the day I don't have that real responsibility. I still don't know if I can handle what I watch his sister in law do with all her kids. It's a lot of work, it takes a lot of patience. And I give her and the rest of the moms all the credit in the world for doing that. I know it's not easy but very rewarding to have kids. But I still just feel like I'm just not to that point. And I don't like being asked by other about it all the time. Because I don't know what to say or how to react. Nor do I want to come off as this horrible person.
I was a lot like you in my feelings about kids. When I was younger, it was always I didn't think I really wanted any kids. As I got older, I started to be more open to it. H and I had this talk before we got married at 26, decided we weren't ready yet, and we both agreed to revisit the question periodically. Now, at almost 29, I finally feel like I am ready emotionally to have a kid. However, we set a couple of goals we want to finish before we have a kid, and those will be done in the next year or so, so we will start officially trying then.
I think it is important to have a rational conversation about the entire idea of children. Both of you need to be willing to listen and accept what the other is saying. It seems like you have done that. You hear that he wants a child, and you are willing to consider it. You expressed your reservations and feelings, but he appears to be brushing them off and continuing to pressure you. That is not being respectful of your feelings.
At the end of the day, whoever doesn't want or isn't ready for a kid is the one who should '"win". But that may mean that the two of you aren't suited for each other. It also doesn't sound like this is your only issue. I would strongly encourage the two of you get counseling before taking any other steps together as a couple.
P.S. You are in no way a horrible person for not knowing whether or not you want kids. It is a huge decision and huge responsibility. Don't let anyone make you feel that way.
We have been engaged for quite awhile since 2011 but we ended up not going through with the wedding. Now 2 years later he's ready to try again. And as for changing my name we still can't agree on that even.
You and he better address the reasons why the engagement and marriage didn't pan out the first time around. Make sure the problems are approached and solved, before you even think of setting a date.
You need NOT have hin agree with you when it comes to a name change. It's not required and not necessary for him to have any input.
If you retained your name as is, you'd be Ms. Mary Smith and Mr. John Jones.
It is solely your decision whether you want to be Ms. Mary Smith or Mr. and Mrs. John Jones.
And he needs to support you in that decision, no ifts ands or buts.
Lots of women retain their given names. It doesn't take away from the fact you are married. A name is only a name.
Your problem, I will bet, is COMMUNICATION and working as a team.
you and he need to see a couples counselor to fix the problem and to learn how to work and communicate like a team.
It would be sad if you had a kid reluctantly, under pressure, and always had mixed feelings about it. That kind of ambivalence can be toxic. Kids pick up on it.
It would be especially sad to have the kid reluctantly if you could have potentially waited a couple of years, established your own career and support system, and then been wholeheartedly enthusiastic about motherhood. I hate to think of you missing the opportunity to approach motherhood with joy, because you are stuck on this guy's timetable.
Get your relationship straightened out before you get pregnant. I know fraught the name change conversation can be, but trust me - that's nothing compared to what you have to agree on when it comes to raising a child. Imagine having the name change conversation every day for 18 years...
You are SO young still. At 25, I sure as hell wasn't ready to have a child. Your FI might be afraid of being too old, but he needs to understand that marrying a woman 7 years his junior might mean that you aren't going to be on the same page as him on certain life topics. He needs to accept that.
But honestly, your relationship seems to have so many red flags in it that it's almost impossible to know where to start. You've been engaged for 2 years, but your FI didn't want to marry you before? You're not working, not doing anything, why? How did the two of you meet? You can't agree on your married name, huh?
It kind of sounds to me, just based on what you've said, that your FI views you as just a tool. He feels the need to be married and have kids, and so he picked himself up a weak little girl to fit those needs. He's got you right where he wants you - alone, with no support system, no job or means to support yourself, completely dependent on him, and so he can pressure you into doing what he wants. I hope you're able to see this and get yourself out of it before he manages to knock you up and make you even less able to extract yourself.
Everyone else covered the baby thing really well, so I'll just say that I agree with renegade and Maybride especially.
But the name thing... it's YOUR name. What does he have to agree to here? Why is your name even any of his business?! He seems to be trying to make a lot of decisions for you.
Take some time and do some logical soul searching. You live in a tiny apartment. You're not married yet. You want to keep your name (what last name will baby have?). You're new to the area and don't have a support group. This stuff is important.
Tell your fiance to cool it. Let him know you're thinking about it, but now isn't the right time for you.
"Ready" means a lot of different things. I'm young (23), but I was physically ready to carry a baby and give birth. I had a normal weight and was in good health. I have never smoked and only moderately drank alcohol. I did not have any dangerous habits that I needed to break before getting pregnant. I do take medication that I had to wean myself off of before DH and I started trying.
It was very important to me to be married before becoming pregnant. DH and I got married in 2011--I was 21 he was 25. While engaged we discussed how soon we would want a child and agreed to wait one year before trying. This was a compromise, I wanted to start right away, DH wanted to wait a couple years.
When we got married we moved into a three bedroom apartment. There was always the space for a nursery. We were ready financially through saving and budgeting. We are lucky that we saved because circumstances led to me staying at home (not the plan). Now we only have slight tweaks in the budget to make it work.
Emotionally, it is very difficult to look back and know if I was ready or not. I wanted a baby. My husband wanted a baby. We are able to provide for her and give her a loving stable environment.