Relationships
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
24 years old, engaged, needs help.
Hi everyone,
I'm an only child, really have no "real friends" because I've stuck by his side for so long.
I just wanted to take the time to say thank you for reading this!
I need your opinion, to make a long story short...
My fiance (28) and I (24) have been together for 5 years, and engaged for 4 years. We moved cross country (Virginia to California), about 6 months ago and started our own business.
I think it was the worse possible mistake of my life.
Here's the thing, I didn't finish college because I was sure I was going to marry him, I only ended up getting an Associates degree in business, have 10 years past experience in retail, and have now owned my own business for 6 months.
He has no degree, and only has worked for his father in the past on the books, so really has no "real" work experience.
We have now been moved across the country for almost 6 months and know absolutely NO ONE where we live, we have NO friends, NO family.. no nothing besides our business.
We work 80+ hours a week together, have no employees and things have been rocky AS EVER.
We no longer talk about a wedding, and after 4 years of being engaged you think I'd have a long list of what I want our wedding to be like... nope!
I am just so depressed because I feel like moving cross country, and starting a business with him was just so wrong and now and feel stuck and have no idea what to do.
He tells me since I have no real experience.. I've never be able to get a job and he has threatened me saying that I'll have to "move back home with my parents". He's so negative, mentally abusive and it's tearing me up making me feel lifeless.
I'm an only child, really have no "real friends" because I've stuck by his side for so long.
Does anybody have any advice? Anything would be appreciated because I can't take this anymore. Thanks everyone
Re: 24 years old, engaged, needs help.
I agree with the other PPs. It's a very unhealthy relationship. No person should ever go through any type of abuse. You are still 24. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. As long as you can move back with your parents, I would do it. Actually, I would do it regardless. Go back to school, get your life back on the healthy track, and make better choices for yourself. He will only bring you down further into a deep black hole.
Good Luck!
Granted, we weren't living together at the time and we hadn't moved across the country or gone into business together - but we had been a couple for five and a half years, and had discussed getting engaged. It was hard to end that part of my life, but necessary, and it is for you too.
I have to agree with previous posters that your relationship has run its course; it's unhealthy and it's time for you guys to break up and move on. Your fiance sounds very similar to my ex - he also had no degree, very limited job experience, and an even more limited interest in applying himself in order to better his life. He expected to ride my coattails instead. Yet at the same time he would constantly talk down to me, insisting that once he got work as a bartender he'd be making "way more money" than I ever would, even with my Master's degree, so why should I bother to even finish school when I could stay home and take care of the kids?
Yeah... I don't think so, buddy.
This is what insecure people do when they know, deep down, that their partners are more educated and more well rounded than they are. It's also something they do when they know they're being jerks and their partners could not only survive, but thrive, without them. It's waffling between, "Please don't leave me," and, "You're nothing without me." Bull to that, I say.
So you may have to move back home with your parents for a while. So what? It won't last forever and you're resourceful; you'll get back on your feet yet and be stronger for this whole experience. He's counting on you to believe his scare tactic that breaking up with him and getting out of the business is the end of the world. It's NOT. Believe us when we tell you that this too shall pass.
Basically, he is full of abusive lies.
The information you added is disturbing enough that I think it's imperative you get out now. He's even worse than I initially thought.
I know that you said you were going to start job-hunting. Do please update again when you are safely out of there.
Moving back in with your parents would not be the end of your world. Staying with him might be. He is isolating you, keeping you subservient, and making sure you never get out and meet new people who might be able to help you. He knows you want to be out of this situation, but he WANTS you here, this version of you works for him, the way you feel right now is the way he wants you to be.
This is not the type of man who will change to make you happy. He will demand that YOU change, and when you do, the change will never be good enough. I'm sure he has already done this. He won't marry you because he thinks that holding the promise of marriage over your head will keep you with him. When you start to leave, he will want to set a date.
Do not marry him. He will promise that things will get better once he's married, that things will settle down, that it'll be better and he's just "stressed." He is lying. Things may get better for a time, but they will go right back to the way they are now, because HE LIKES IT WHEN YOU ARE MISERABLE.
Sever. Don't look back.
This guy is not your future husband, he's someone you used to love but grew apart from. Your future husband will make you a better you - he'll push you to better yourself, pull yourself out of this rut that you're in, and you'll be so happy. Go find him. Be patient, it may take a while, but everyone has their own path to Heaven (a quote my mom always uses). Just because yours is different from others, doesn't mean it's wrong. Don't be afraid to make a change - you wont regret it.
Best of luck! Rooting for you!!