Family Matters
SmilingIrishEyes
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help! My house is too crowded.
Hello. I am in my mid-twenties, just married a few weeks ago, and my house is starting to feel more like prison. Prior to my wedding, my 30 year old sister arranged to come with her 18-month old baby to escape a destructive and unsafe living arrangement. My husband and I knew that helping her would be difficult, as she's made many poor decisions in the past that have led to massive debt, unhealthy relationships, and several instances of her picking up and starting again in a new town 4-5 times. We both wanted my sister and niece to live in a safe environment and felt that if we could help her find a job and get established quickly, she would be on her feet within 2-3 months.
However, we are 6+ weeks in, and we are no closer to independence than the day she arrived. She does pick up a lot around the house, but plainly refuses to cook her own meals. Anytime that my husband and I have gone out for dinner and I haven't made it, she feeds her daughter only cheerios or kraft mac and cheese - leaving me feeling compelled to plan dinner around her family. She has stolen from both of my parents in the past, so we keep our bedroom and closet always locked, which is uncomfortable for me and a constant stress as I always leave and forget to lock my bedroom and it annoys my husband who is concerned for our privacy given her past indiscretions. She has totaled/lost 5 cars in 14 years and now is relying on the bus, which is her excuse for never leaving the house as well as one of her most vocal and incessant complaints. She has applied for some jobs, but spends most of her daytime cleaning, watching our Netflix, smoking, or napping.
Given her history, I do realize it was not wise to expect for anything to be different about this time... but I was really hoping that her baby's reliance would motivate her to become a more productive member of society. I don't know what to do here, but I cannot continue to live with her, rent-free and constantly complaining for another 4 or 5 months... or worse. If one of your friends got themselves into this situation... what would you tell them to do? I am worried that soon my relationship with my husband (which has been solid and cheerful for almost 6 years) will be negatively affected. We are both seriously unhappy with how things are going but feel very stuck because we don't know what to do with her or how she could make it otherwise.
Thanks.
Please note - I have talked with her twice about being disappointed about her progress and her seeming lack of motivation. She responded very emotionally and I ended up feeling guilty for days without any real improvement on her actions.
Re: Help! My house is too crowded.
You may have to actually have her evicted at this point. Why doesn't she have a job? Who is paying for her expenses? Her child's? Take her and get her on government assistance programs and have her apply for housing. Do they have health care?
Encourage her to talk about her abusive relationships, tell her that you wish that you could relate better, but talking to a professional who could would probably help more, and make it clear that you don't think she's psycho, challenged, etc(though some amount of psychosis is obviously going on here) it's just that a therapist is the person who could relate the most and knows about these things and you want to see her be happy with a significant other.
The therapist will help her with ALL of her myriad issues. People who are like this are like this for a reason(s)(constant low energy is either not exercising enough or depression, a constant feeling of being a failure, screwed up, unable to face reality, don't think they than take care of themselves...), and IF she is willing to accept help those reasons may go away.
Your sister has a long, bad, history which is not going to go away in a few weeks, won't be helped by moving to a new town, or even having a baby. Because it's something in her that's the problem.
If she is not able to accept help, consider her obvious mental problems but be strict with her because she is probably not changing soon.
In an extreme circumstance, and I would not recommend this because it will be hard, but you can get custody of your niece if you feel that it would not be safe to leave the baby with your sister. I would do this if it turns out that you are basically the primary caretaker for her anyway.
It doesn't help that he says many things that are annoy-ING, and I have several third party confirmations on that. But he's innately a good guy, a decent guy, but a desperate, lost-and-alone guy.
Being nice to him in conversation is hard. I know in my mind that he really needs it, but I just don't want to put up with any crap(though he is def getting better) since I have my own to deal with. My reflex is that he's going to pull something, so I need to protect myself. A little while ago I would have been completely justified in thinking this.
It's hard. I have sympathy. And you should protect yourself. I wish both of you the best.