Money Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
DH quit his job to be an artist - LONG
Please tell me I'm being a brat and shake me out of this.
On the one side of things, DH found this incredible talent and is creating beautiful things. I 100% believe they will be in museums one day. I mean really. It's that good. He is on fire when he's creating them, and he has become incredibly helpful around the house - I think as a result of feeling guilty for spending most of his time and lots of our money on his new passion. He quit his job in January. He said he was going to make money on a (failing) home business, and on his art. He's amazing. He just doesn't make any money. He can do anything in the world for other people. He's kind of a superhuman. Smartest guy I've ever met. Gorgeous. Charming. Multi-millionaires flock to him. I'm serious. They invite us over for dinner, gaze at him like he's the best thing in the world and tell him he could do anything. Dozens of them. But for some reason he can't seem to support his family.
And we have two small children. And though it's super boring in comparison, one of MY biggest dreams in life was to be at home with my children while they're small. I didn't marry this guy for his money, but I DID have an expectation that he would at least pull half the weight of this family. While the kids are small, I was hoping for a little more than half so that I could figure out my contribution to our income during naptimes and late nights. Pipe dream? Maybe. But in my line of work, it's doable. Instead, I watch my kids growing too fast as I kiss them goodbye at daycare. I work a job I don't care for, because it brings a weekly pay check.
I am being a brat. I know most people have to work real regular jobs they don't care for. I am lucky to work from home some days. I probably spend more time with my kids than most people. I have a beautiful, talented husband, who is a fantastic father. BUT I JUST WANT TO SCREAM. I don't want to be solely responsible for money issues in our house. I don't want to spend 80% of my waking hours finding ways to make ends meet. I don't want to be responsible for the money I make, AND for making sure he makes some money. I grew up in a house where my dad was the main earner, my mom contributed (they ran a business). They were smart with money. They saved. We were really well off. Now I'm trying to find how many different meals I can make out of eggs and crackers. That's not what I want for my kids. But I can live with living small. I just want my kids. I want them so bad. I don't want to finally find a way to have time for them 10 years from now. I want them now. While they're little.
Should I:
A. Shut up, suck it up, and ride this out. Be supportive. Think positive. People will start buying his art for thousands of dollars any day.
B. Pick another fight.
C. Micromanage my husband's business in the evenings to try and help him make money.
D. Find a way to make more money myself.
E. Beg DH to go get a "real" job.
F. __________________________
On the one side of things, DH found this incredible talent and is creating beautiful things. I 100% believe they will be in museums one day. I mean really. It's that good. He is on fire when he's creating them, and he has become incredibly helpful around the house - I think as a result of feeling guilty for spending most of his time and lots of our money on his new passion. He quit his job in January. He said he was going to make money on a (failing) home business, and on his art. He's amazing. He just doesn't make any money. He can do anything in the world for other people. He's kind of a superhuman. Smartest guy I've ever met. Gorgeous. Charming. Multi-millionaires flock to him. I'm serious. They invite us over for dinner, gaze at him like he's the best thing in the world and tell him he could do anything. Dozens of them. But for some reason he can't seem to support his family.
And we have two small children. And though it's super boring in comparison, one of MY biggest dreams in life was to be at home with my children while they're small. I didn't marry this guy for his money, but I DID have an expectation that he would at least pull half the weight of this family. While the kids are small, I was hoping for a little more than half so that I could figure out my contribution to our income during naptimes and late nights. Pipe dream? Maybe. But in my line of work, it's doable. Instead, I watch my kids growing too fast as I kiss them goodbye at daycare. I work a job I don't care for, because it brings a weekly pay check.
I am being a brat. I know most people have to work real regular jobs they don't care for. I am lucky to work from home some days. I probably spend more time with my kids than most people. I have a beautiful, talented husband, who is a fantastic father. BUT I JUST WANT TO SCREAM. I don't want to be solely responsible for money issues in our house. I don't want to spend 80% of my waking hours finding ways to make ends meet. I don't want to be responsible for the money I make, AND for making sure he makes some money. I grew up in a house where my dad was the main earner, my mom contributed (they ran a business). They were smart with money. They saved. We were really well off. Now I'm trying to find how many different meals I can make out of eggs and crackers. That's not what I want for my kids. But I can live with living small. I just want my kids. I want them so bad. I don't want to finally find a way to have time for them 10 years from now. I want them now. While they're little.
Should I:
A. Shut up, suck it up, and ride this out. Be supportive. Think positive. People will start buying his art for thousands of dollars any day.
B. Pick another fight.
C. Micromanage my husband's business in the evenings to try and help him make money.
D. Find a way to make more money myself.
E. Beg DH to go get a "real" job.
F. __________________________
Re: DH quit his job to be an artist - LONG
F. I think he should probably read the book "Quitter" by Jon Acuff. You really shouldn't quit your day job until you have a support system in place.
Also, I would beg / demand that he get a real job and help support his family. And in the mean time, I think helping to make his business profitable is the best thing you can do with your time.
We did discuss his career move, and I agreed to be supportive of it. Well, after I tried to reason with him and he was clearly not backing down. Once he decides something, there's not much stopping him. However, in short, our agreement is to each bring in at least 50% of what we need to spend every month. Ideally, I'm supposed to bring in my 50%, and he's supposed to bring in his 50% plus some to save. So yeah, my income covers about 50% of what we need. Lately I've been working some extra to try and pick up his slack. He's running a home business and charging stupid low prices. Like 30% of market prices. Not b/c that's what his clients will pay. Just b/c that's what he charges. And he hasn't done a damn thing to get new clients. And yes, he could do his art as a hobby while he brings in money. And he's stressed about money. Just not doing much about it. He's the kind of guy that gets angry that no one is magically paying him and says like "I'll work 60 hour weeks and get us out of this!" Which means absolutely nothing if you work for yourself and nobody's paying you for those hours.
As for the kids, he never technically promised me I could stay home with the kids. Though he's always known it's what I want. He doesn't get it. In his ideal world, he'd make enough money to cover us, we'd have full-time childcare, and I'd do whatever I wanted to do all day without the kids. Really. That's his dream. Sweet in a way, I guess. But I want the kids.
I should confess now that I'm only working 30-hour weeks a lot of weeks. Out of my own stubbornness. I worked very hard to get to a point where I can make my agreed 50% of what we need in 30 hours and have the kids more. And I refuse to work more to cover his lack of responsibility. I'd rather find more ways to cut back. Except now it's gotten to the point that I kind of have to pick up more hours to make it by.
When I give him business advice, he flips out and doesn't follow it. And when I confront him about not making money, he asks me for business advice. And then flips out and doesn't take it. Rinse and repeat. We once ran this business as a team. This is why we don't anymore. I'm pretty upset with myself for agreeing that he'd run a business again.
Living frivolously...maybe in some ways. I could probably drop the gym membership. I'd hate to b/c we use it, but I think that's next off the list. I don't get manicures or anything. Or buy coffee. And we rarely eat out. Most of my clothes are from 5+ years ago. I shop consignment stores, but I probably do buy too much there. I def spend too much on birthdays. And I do buy fresh, local produce which is sometimes more expensive. I think mostly we're financially strapped due to a lack of steady income. We can't budget right, b/c we don't know what's coming in every month. Except my income, which covers our monthly rent and utility bills for the most part, but not our flexible spending (groceries, gas, diapers, etc).
Wow I'm angsty today.
F. That's because I would choose a mix of C and E.
Have him get a part time job outside the home that brings in a stable income. Even if it's only 20 hrs a week. It will bring in something and be consistent till he gets his art and side business up and running.
Then I would help him in the evenings with managing his business. Especially since you said that you work 30 hours a week.
Put together your budget and sit down with him to go over it. Including all of the "variable" expenses. These should be in your regular budget also. Then you both will be aware of how much money needs to come in to be able to pay for your everyday expenses. If the agreement was each of you contributed to 50% of the budgeted expenses, then stick with that.
Also feel free to post your budget here to have us take a look. These girls are great at being able to give advise on where to cut or negotiate.
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You need to do something. Give him some options such as
First your DH was an idiot to quit his job without a business plan to actually make money off his art. Does he have a plan now? Since he is connected to some wealthy people, he should make use of his contacts and ask for assistance in connecting with art sellers, marketing and growing a business.
At minimum he needs to get a PT job ASAP
He can be an "artist" when that is an affordable option, which is not now.
Funny, the job quitting thing started with him being frustrated with the low pay from the job he had. He was looking for a higher-paying position. We agreed on this and got used to the idea of him quitting. To take a better job. Instead he quit to run the home business (graphics & videos) and try to make and sell some art. Quite a switch in how it affects MY plans.
He did just write out some plans for both the home business and the art. He won't show them to me. He asked me to leave him alone and let him do it. And then he shouted at me for not helping him. Sigh.
Most experts say that you should not quit even a "low" wage job unless your hobbies are bringing in enough to cover the current income you are making at low wage jobs.
In the mean time, you might tell your husband that you will increase your hours at work for three months to give him time to get the home business and sculpture hobby going a little better. If after the three months he isn't to the 50% mark then he has to find a way to cover the rest of his share.
That being said, the both of you need to learn to communicate better to each other and learn how to work as a team. You were hoping to be more of a stay at home mom which currently isn't an option. Your husband wants to chase his dreams while ignoring the fiscal hurt he is causing your family.
In my opinion the both of you need to put on your big boy and girl panties and grow up. You are both thinking of what you want and ignoring what is best for the whole family. If finances are tight that means everyone does whatever they have to do fix it.
Good for your husband!!! He obviously really wanted that item for his truck and he made sacarifices to get it. OK, I agree whatever the item was, it was probably too much, but he gets points from me by not taking just charging it and saying deal with the bill. He made sacrifices to get it and in my book, that's good.
Haha thank you!! I am glad he stuck with it.