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DH's birthday and his siblings attitude - Vent
Dh is turning a significant age next week. I offered to throw him a birthday party but all he wanted was an intimate birthday celebration with his family at a restaurant.
I sent out emails a few weeks ago inviting the family to his birthday at a restaurant. His parents and one sibling indicated they could make it but that sibling had been planning to go to the family's holiday house that she goes to at least once a month, that weekend.
The other siblings could not make it but suggested other weekends some a month after his birthday, over a week before, weekends that were the birthdays of one of the siblings or a parent or weekends that were not suitable for work reasons for DH and I.
My Mil urged me to change the weekend so one sibling could have their weekend away, so I changed it to the following weekend. The end result is that two siblings still can't make it.
My MIL sends out an email yesterday inviting everyone over for the youngest sibling's birthday. Everyone can make it to that birthday.
I am so hurt for DH. Every year we combine birthdays for DH, his parent and sibling except when it is for a significant birthday (like my FIL's 80th last year). He is so kind, so thoughtful and so giving.
It just seems like they are treating him as less important than the others. The whole family turned in force for his sister's 40th, his brother's 50th, his Mother's 70th etc. Why is he less deserving of the same treatment. The thing I guess that makes me the saddest for him is that everyone seems to be available for the youngest's birthday which is not a 40th or 50th or anything like that.
Re: DH's birthday and his siblings attitude - Vent
My first thoughts are that you are not giving anyone much notice - I think it's quite common for people to have their weekends pretty well planned during the summer, no? The other sibling with a birthday, the youngest, is his/her party on a weekend as well? How much notice was given?
What are they doing for the youngest's birthday? At the same type of restaurant? Same type of evening? Are you planning a meal at an expensive restaurant that they will have to pay for on a Saturday night and the other sibling's is a backyard BBQ at mum and dad's on a Sunday afternoon?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Yeah, I think information is missing here. It's summer - people are busy. The fact that everyone is busy the weeknds you're looking at but aren't busy the one weekend MIL picked - it might be nothing more than schedules lining up.
And to what Tofu said, the type of event, cost involved, day of the week- that can all play a role in why people are free for one but not the other.
If you can give us more info, great. But until then, I have to wonder if you're looking for something to be upset about that may not actually really be there.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Is it really that important that the celebration occur on a specific date, or is it more important that folks celebrate regardless of the date? I think the latter. Let it go.
If O/P is really in Australia, it's not summertime there. I also got the sense that the initial planning occurred a little while ago, but that may be wrong.
I do think though, that OP you might be too sensitive about this issue. Unless there are other problems with the family slighting your husband, this doesn't seem like an intentional snubbing his birthday. Is your DH hurt or upset?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you for all your responses. I appreciate your honesty and perspective.
To answer the various questions:
It's winter here in Sydney so too cold to be outside for BBQs.
The birthday celebration for DH is in an average priced restaurant as it has been for all the significant birthdays in the family.
The celebration for the younger sibling is a gathering at home
His family are all high earners, his parents although retired are well off, so the cost of the meal is not an issue.
I gave everyone close to a month's notice. The email for the younger sibling's birthday was sent out on Monday, so 6 days notice.
DH is hurt.
We always make such an effort for the rest of the family. Granted we do so willingly but it just seems so one sided. MIL has said a few times that DH is the most thoughtful of all her children so maybe that's all it is.
I guess what hurts me the most for him is - when it's anyone else's significant birthday there is such a big fuss made with everyone in attendance, emails, phone calls from MIL and for DH it's like "Meh - it's just another day."
He was so very very ill for so many years of his life, I feel like for him especially this birthday IS a big deal and I'm sad for him that there seems to be more enthusiasm generated and effort made for a sibling's regular birthday than him.
I think the key is that it is at someone's home rather than a restaurant. It just seems more relaxed, people can just drop in rather than be there at a certain time, no fuss - they can just chat and sit around with their feet up eating crisps, who knows?
Whether or not they are high earners shouldn't make too much of a difference, you don't know their budgets, finances, etc. If they go to a restaurant people have to get babysitters, dress up, etc. They don't if they go to mum's house for sis' birthday, you know?
I agree with the above poster - make a night of it with your friends and enjoy yourselves. It's just a birthday.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
A couple additional thoughts.
1- have you out and out told his family "this is really important to DH"? If not, try that.
2- I agree that being "high earners" doesn't necessarily mean much. I have friends where both of the spouses do well. Make a very good salary. I always considered them "well off". I recently found out that they are having $$ problems. basically because they've been living outside of their means. Being a "high earner" doesn't mean they have a lot of money to spend on going out.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sometimes our families take things for granted without intentionally being mean. My MIL will cancel plans with DH if BIL asks her to do something. DH would grin and bear it in front of her, but it really ate him up. I called her one time and told her (in a nice way) that DH feels less pushed to the side when she cancels plans on him. She genuinely had no idea since DH never said anything.
It sounds like you have a similar situation. You mention that your husband gets the short end of the stick a lot in his family. Maybe they don't realize it bothers him? KWIM?
I'm confused.
Did you try that date and some people said no? And now it's a date everyone can use because it's for someone else?
Did you try for a date everyone could make - and got no where, but NOW find out everyone is available on this date ... a date you could have used?