Needing more than I'm getting, if you catch my drift...

pleaseplease91 · August 2013

I have talked about this with my husband but it has amounted to nothing so I was wondering if anyone could help/give advice. I want sex way more often than he does. We have sex MAYBE once a week, sometimes 2 weeks go by without. I told him politely that I would like more and he said he was just busy and stressed with school but would try. I understood and gave him time but now its summer break and its still few and far between. I try to be sexy, walk around in the nude or wear something that shows more cleavage and he says I look sexy, grabs my butt or boobs but thats it. He is still flirtatious with me and is amazing in all other aspects of our relationship but I am getting frustrated. We are without children, married less than 2 years, and I just don't see what the issue could be.

anssett · August 2013

You have dramatically mismatched sex drives, if course. Did you notice this before marriage? Did you talk about it then? Are you supplementing partner sex with masturbation? That's one of the easiest ways to balance a mismatch in frequency of desired sex. Are you initiating? Initiating sex isn't his job, it's a joint effort. If you want more sex, actively try to get it (words or physical) rather than passively wearing low cut clothes to hope he gets the hint. He clearly isn't getting it, or just wants way less sex.

pleaseplease91 · August 2013

We were both virgins when we got married but we did discuss expectations and we seemed to be on the same page. I am masturbating but its not the same. And I try to initiate but other than literally grabbing him by the penis, it doesn't work. Anything less than that gets shut down and I don't want to just turn him on like a toy.

anssett · August 2013

pleaseplease91 said:
We were both virgins when we got married but we did discuss expectations and we seemed to be on the same page. I am masturbating but its not the same.

I think you did this to yourself. You're right, masturbation isn't the same, so by being virgins he couldn't really express the typical frequency he'd want partner sex. He didn't know. Did he say, in words, "I like to masturbate x times per week", then you share your sex drive estimation and then you compare notes? It's still only a guess.

If this is a fundamental difference in sexual appetite you're likely to be frustrated for the rest of your life. And you got yourself into this because of your beliefs. Does that still seem like a good plan?

tiffanysbride · August 2013

Is this a new issue? Everyone has a lull every now and again. If it is new perhaps find out why he feels tired and stressed. Finishing school and working? I can't tell from your post but I do know that some things hit men differently then women. Stress over money or work/school is temporary but can lower their drive.

TarponMonoxide · August 2013

pleaseplease91 said:

I have talked about this with my husband but it has amounted to nothing so I was wondering if anyone could help/give advice. I want sex way more often than he does. We have sex MAYBE once a week, sometimes 2 weeks go by without. I told him politely that I would like more and he said he was just busy and stressed with school but would try. I understood and gave him time but now its summer break and its still few and far between. I try to be sexy, walk around in the nude or wear something that shows more cleavage and he says I look sexy, grabs my butt or boobs but thats it. He is still flirtatious with me and is amazing in all other aspects of our relationship but I am getting frustrated. We are without children, married less than 2 years, and I just don't see what the issue could be.

Take the initiative on this:

Jump into the shower when he is in it
Invite him in with you (and then let nature take its course)
Jump on him the second he comes in the door from work

He needs to work on this with you.

Have another talk with him and do it when the 2 of you are not busy doing something else and devote a good chunk of time to the discussion.

He needs to meet you halfway on this -- twice or 3 times a week would be great --- and you can pick up the slack by taking the issue into your own hands: ever heard of masturbating? If not, try it. Satisfy yourself for the rest of the time that he's not anteing up.:)

TarponMonoxide · August 2013

pleaseplease91 said:

I have talked about this with my husband but it has amounted to nothing so I was wondering if anyone could help/give advice. I want sex way more often than he does. We have sex MAYBE once a week, sometimes 2 weeks go by without. I told him politely that I would like more and he said he was just busy and stressed with school but would try. I understood and gave him time but now its summer break and its still few and far between. I try to be sexy, walk around in the nude or wear something that shows more cleavage and he says I look sexy, grabs my butt or boobs but thats it. He is still flirtatious with me and is amazing in all other aspects of our relationship but I am getting frustrated. We are without children, married less than 2 years, and I just don't see what the issue could be.

Take the initiative on this:

Jump into the shower when he is in it
Invite him in with you (and then let nature take its course)
Jump on him the second he comes in the door from work

He needs to work on this with you.

Have another talk with him and do it when the 2 of you are not busy doing something else and devote a good chunk of time to the discussion.

He needs to meet you halfway on this -- twice or 3 times a week would be great --- and you can pick up the slack by taking the issue into your own hands: ever heard of masturbating? If not, try it. Satisfy yourself for the rest of the time that he's not anteing up.:)

moonprincessd · August 2013

Um... isn't it normal to only have sex like once a week? Girl, the honeymoon is over. You're married, sex isn't that important for a relationship!

My husband and I do it probably once every 2 weeks. We both work and sometimes one of us is just tired. We get that. So we do other things like cuddle and watch movies, so much better than sex!

Also being virgins before hand meant you don't know what your sex drive is. To say your both on the same page with no data to back it up really doesn't mean anything.

I would talk to him about it, but in all honesty, it just seems like you have two different sex drives.

anssett · August 2013

moonprincessd said:

Um... isn't it normal to only have sex like once a week? Girl, the honeymoon is over. You're married, sex isn't that important for a relationship!

My husband and I do it probably once every 2 weeks. We both work and sometimes one of us is just tired. We get that. So we do other things like cuddle and watch movies, so much better than sex!

You're talking crazy! The only people I know who don't think sex is important are the ones who aren't having good sex. Period.

TarponMonoxide · August 2013

anssett said:

moonprincessd said:

Um... isn't it normal to only have sex like once a week? Girl, the honeymoon is over. You're married, sex isn't that important for a relationship!

My husband and I do it probably once every 2 weeks. We both work and sometimes one of us is just tired. We get that. So we do other things like cuddle and watch movies, so much better than sex!

You're talking crazy! The only people I know who don't think sex is important are the ones who aren't having good sex. Period.

Oh yes it IS important!

And perhaps it isn't "all" that a marriage consists of but it's still of great significance in a marriage.

What's normal for you isn't what's *normal* for another couple.

And keep in mind passion and sex in a marriage waxes and wanes.

As I said, he has to work on this with you and with you, attain a solution that is satisfactory to the both of you.

Twice a week, or even 3 times a week, wouldn't be a bad goal at all to maintain.

moonprincessd · August 2013

moonprincessd said:

Um... isn't it normal to only have sex like once a week? Girl, the honeymoon is over. You're married, sex isn't that important for a relationship!

My husband and I do it probably once every 2 weeks. We both work and sometimes one of us is just tired. We get that. So we do other things like cuddle and watch movies, so much better than sex!

You're talking crazy! The only people I know who don't think sex is important are the ones who aren't having good sex. Period.

Haha, sex is great, but it's not something you need 3 times a week or I guess maybe you do? And I'm just weird for not needing it that often?

It's not like oxygen or water (hence why I included a "that" I didn't say it wasn't, it's just not up there with "omg I'm dying" important).

My husband and I used to have sex almost every day and the honeymoon was great, but not we both got jobs and are just tired. Sometimes cuddling and watching TV just seems so much better. We have sex normally on the days we both don't work and make a day out of it, just spending time together is a turn on. Make dinner, drink wine, watch a movie, and then the "fun" begins. Personally for me, sex feels amazing when you go long periods without having it. It's like dieting for a month and then rewarding yourself with a chocolate cake.

I guess it's only important if you're not having sex at all, then there's something wrong, but in this case, your still having sex, just not as often, which isn't a bad thing.

anssett · August 2013

Well, I agree it's not as vital as oxygen, but I think orgasms are friggin' awesome even if I had 6 the day before. Why diet all month and only have chocolate cake once? I would much prefer chocolate cake EVERY day! Orgasm 'chocolate cake' doesn't have any calories so there's no reason to limit yourself.

ErikaB123 · August 2013

We really cannot judge what is the right amount of sex because all couples are different. I can identify with this post because I am in a similar position. I have come to realize that the problem for us was the fact that I was expecting my husband to do all the initiating. Don't get me wrong, I think a man should to more of the pursuing than the woman, but I do think that it is good especially when in a rut, for the woman to initiate sex also. My husband told me it's a huge turn on when I go after him. My issue is that I get turned on when HE is aggressively pursuing me.

Make sure you have good communication with each other. The worse thing you can do is hold all of this inside and not tell him exactly how you feel.

vlagrl29 · August 2013

anssett said:

Well, I agree it's not as vital as oxygen, but I think orgasms are friggin' awesome even if I had 6 the day before. Why diet all month and only have chocolate cake once? I would much prefer chocolate cake EVERY day! Orgasm 'chocolate cake' doesn't have any calories so there's no reason to limit yourself.

this cracked me up. are you in your 20s without kids? just curious because I'm totally fine with sex like twice a month. Ever since we had the kiddo I rarely think about it. Now I have to be in that frame of mind and turn the mom brain off.

anssett · August 2013

vlagrl29 said:

anssett said:

Well, I agree it's not as vital as oxygen, but I think orgasms are friggin' awesome even if I had 6 the day before. Why diet all month and only have chocolate cake once? I would much prefer chocolate cake EVERY day! Orgasm 'chocolate cake' doesn't have any calories so there's no reason to limit yourself.

this cracked me up. are you in your 20s without kids? just curious because I'm totally fine with sex like twice a month. Ever since we had the kiddo I rarely think about it. Now I have to be in that frame of mind and turn the mom brain off.

:-) 30s no kids. I'm sure things will change once we do have kids. We'll figure it out when we get there. My comment was more to illustrate that there is no 'right' or 'normal' amount of sex in relationships. Couples find their own balance. This OP isn't getting balance, she's getting sexually starved. Just because some random poster thinks sex once a month is great, the OP doesn't. People don't know there's another way of being unless they're exposed to the ideas.

moonprincessd · August 2013

vlagrl29 said:

anssett said:

Well, I agree it's not as vital as oxygen, but I think orgasms are friggin' awesome even if I had 6 the day before. Why diet all month and only have chocolate cake once? I would much prefer chocolate cake EVERY day! Orgasm 'chocolate cake' doesn't have any calories so there's no reason to limit yourself.

this cracked me up. are you in your 20s without kids? just curious because I'm totally fine with sex like twice a month. Ever since we had the kiddo I rarely think about it. Now I have to be in that frame of mind and turn the mom brain off.

:-) 30s no kids. I'm sure things will change once we do have kids. We'll figure it out when we get there. My comment was more to illustrate that there is no 'right' or 'normal' amount of sex in relationships. Couples find their own balance. This OP isn't getting balance, she's getting sexually starved. Just because some random poster thinks sex once a month is great, the OP doesn't. People don't know there's another way of being unless they're exposed to the ideas.

um, I wasn't telling her that having sex all the time was a bad thing. I was explaining that it's "okay" if she's not, everyone is different. Just pointing out that her husband might have different sex needs than she does. Sure there needs to be a balance, but you don't want to make your partner unhappy if he doesn't want to bunny jump you every day of the week!

vlagrl29 · August 2013

anssett said:

vlagrl29 said:

anssett said:

Well, I agree it's not as vital as oxygen, but I think orgasms are friggin' awesome even if I had 6 the day before. Why diet all month and only have chocolate cake once? I would much prefer chocolate cake EVERY day! Orgasm 'chocolate cake' doesn't have any calories so there's no reason to limit yourself.

this cracked me up. are you in your 20s without kids? just curious because I'm totally fine with sex like twice a month. Ever since we had the kiddo I rarely think about it. Now I have to be in that frame of mind and turn the mom brain off.

:-) 30s no kids. I'm sure things will change once we do have kids. We'll figure it out when we get there. My comment was more to illustrate that there is no 'right' or 'normal' amount of sex in relationships. Couples find their own balance. This OP isn't getting balance, she's getting sexually starved. Just because some random poster thinks sex once a month is great, the OP doesn't. People don't know there's another way of being unless they're exposed to the ideas.

I totally get that. In my first marriage I wanted it all the time and he didn't. I actually bought the rabbit to satisfy me. I would initiate and he would turn me down so I stopped initiating and fulfilled my own needs. sex is an important part of marriage and it totally sucks when you are mismatched sexually with your partner. My now DH is a horndog like myself. we would have sex 5 days a week before I was pregnant. It definitely has lowered a bit but it's important to still do it.

2012FutureMrsB · August 2013

OP, I have been going through similar issues. My H and I just passed our 1 year anniversary and we were both virgins also when we got married (we're in our early/mid 30s). I had started masturbating early on in our relationship and he was ok with that, but he didn't want to try it himself. I was ok with his choice as well because it was his choice to make. Anyway, I soon realized that I had a pretty high sex drive and I guessed that he probably didn't. Even still, I figured once we were married, things would be fine.

Well, our honeymoon consisted of me initiating almost every single time and he was actually surprised that I wanted to do it every single day (even though we had talked about this ahead of time). We've had some hard times in the past year, I won't lie, but we've stuck through it together and we keep talking about it and things have gotten a lot better. It turns out he has ED problems and also cannot ejaculate. We're concerned that having children will be really difficult, but we decided not to let it get to us. Rather, we should just keep trying one day at a time.

Until recently, there were times I felt very alone in this because my H didn't even realize there was a problem, even after we went 5 weeks with no sex! He was clueless until I brought it to his attention and was really upset. It took a while of talking with him and showing him over and over how much this bothers me (that he doesn't initiate sex much and doesn't even seem to miss it or notice when it doesn't happen). Eventually HE realized something needed to change. He went to a few doctors and they just gave him pills. The pills helped, but cost too much so we couldn't buy them, but it was still progress.

Now, H and I are both on a weight-loss plan and have lost some weight (he's lost 30 pounds!). I don't know if weight is an issue with you or your H, but suddenly my H's sex drive is better. It's still not the same as mine (and it might never be), but he wants it more frequently and is more aware of what's going on (or what isn't going on) in our sex life. It's still hard, but we've been able to relax and not get upset with each other over this issue. We've also found that doing a lot of cuddling and even just making out is very helpful! It takes the pressure off H but I still get that closeness I crave. And then he helps me masturbate so I still get the sexual pleasure as well.

Bottom line, OP, is don't give up. I know it's hard and might even get harder, but push on through. Keep talking to your H about the issue. Don't ignore it. Be patient with him and eventually things won't be as hard to deal with, whatever the outcome. You both said your vows "for better or worse" (or something similar I'm assuming), so even though it's tough, keep on persevering.

Vonniesa · November 2013

Your now married and both of you probably need to just start experimenting to see what really turns the other person on and go with that. It might be as simple as a nibble on his ear lobe when whispering in his ear or grazing your finger across his nipple. Sometimes i would just see my husband on the sofa watching tv and tell him i want to tell him something and sit on his lap facing him with something sexy on or just a shirt (whatever rocks his boat) and whisper in his ear whiles rubbing on him.

Sex is also a full on learning experience. Buy books and cosomo and just have them where his eyes can catch his eyes. I left a article out that said pineapple juice make the sperm sweeter and he started drinking it more than water.

Mrs.Rad888 · November 2013

Oh, good lord! OP, it can take some time to get on the same page as your partner, but unless you are 17 do not make Cosmo your only source of sex info! That's like getting your sex info from porn, and not even the good porn.

lifeguard · November 2013

Are you horny and want sex? Or are you feeling neglected via DH not wanting to have sex with you? Two separate situations.
Actually from what I have seen and heard. If grasping your DH's Mr. Happy works and works well. Roll with it.

WedinVolterra · December 2013

TarponMonoxide said:

Take the initiative on this:

Jump into the shower when he is in it
Invite him in with you (and then let nature take its course)
Jump on him the second he comes in the door from work

He needs to work on this with you.

Have another talk with him and do it when the 2 of you are not busy doing something else and devote a good chunk of time to the discussion.

Ditto these suggestions. DH and I used to have a similar problem and I finally solved it by becoming bolder. Which it turns out he really loves! At first I expected to walk around in lingerie and have him jump my bones, and I felt a bit hurt when it didn't work that way -- but I took a more proactive role and was clear about what I wanted and it really made a difference.

Needing more than I'm getting, if you catch my drift...

Re: Needing more than I'm getting, if you catch my drift...

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