Family Matters
CaraMia886
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Stressed
Hi,
I am here mostly to vent. I come from a big extended family on one side and a small family on the other. Both my mom's brothers became priests, and she has two sisters (one had no children, the other has cerebal palsy and lives in a group home). Her parents have passed. On my dad's side, he is one of 8 kids, there are 19 grandkids, most of whom are married with kids, and both of my grandparents are with us.
My sister is mentally ill. She tends to do things that are irrational, but my family knows this. She started some problems with a few of my family members back around Easter, when she had started a new medication. She did apologize for it eventually and explain that it was medication-related, but the damage had been done.
Meanwhile, I have been planning a surprise anniversary vow renewal/brunch for my parents. I had to invite 85 people to accomodate both of their families and friends. I gave a 30 adult guarantee to the restaurant. The RSVP date is next week, and I mailed the invitations a month ago. I just found out that several of my cousins are boycotting this event due to my sister's past behavior. My Grandparents aren't coming because my Grandmother's health has taken a turn for the worse. And only 20 out of 85 people have responded. Yes, I know they have another week, but now I have a sneaking suspicion that they aren't coming because of my sister. I guess I am just here to vent, because my parents are awesome people, and while I understand my sister gets out of control at times, it is hurtful to me that they would not be there for my parents' day. I guess I am just looking for advice/ encouragement.
Also, on a side note, one of them had the nerve to ask me not to invite my sister, and I told them, in a nice way, that it was not an acceptable request as she is their child too.
By the way, I know they have another week, as I mentioned earlier, but this is unusual behavior for my family, who come to all of each other's events. This is unprecedented, and I just wish they didn't set a cr@ppy precedent like this with my parents.
I am here mostly to vent. I come from a big extended family on one side and a small family on the other. Both my mom's brothers became priests, and she has two sisters (one had no children, the other has cerebal palsy and lives in a group home). Her parents have passed. On my dad's side, he is one of 8 kids, there are 19 grandkids, most of whom are married with kids, and both of my grandparents are with us.
My sister is mentally ill. She tends to do things that are irrational, but my family knows this. She started some problems with a few of my family members back around Easter, when she had started a new medication. She did apologize for it eventually and explain that it was medication-related, but the damage had been done.
Meanwhile, I have been planning a surprise anniversary vow renewal/brunch for my parents. I had to invite 85 people to accomodate both of their families and friends. I gave a 30 adult guarantee to the restaurant. The RSVP date is next week, and I mailed the invitations a month ago. I just found out that several of my cousins are boycotting this event due to my sister's past behavior. My Grandparents aren't coming because my Grandmother's health has taken a turn for the worse. And only 20 out of 85 people have responded. Yes, I know they have another week, but now I have a sneaking suspicion that they aren't coming because of my sister. I guess I am just here to vent, because my parents are awesome people, and while I understand my sister gets out of control at times, it is hurtful to me that they would not be there for my parents' day. I guess I am just looking for advice/ encouragement.
Also, on a side note, one of them had the nerve to ask me not to invite my sister, and I told them, in a nice way, that it was not an acceptable request as she is their child too.
By the way, I know they have another week, as I mentioned earlier, but this is unusual behavior for my family, who come to all of each other's events. This is unprecedented, and I just wish they didn't set a cr@ppy precedent like this with my parents.
~CaraMia~
Married to my HS sweetheart since 7/2/10
Celebrating 10 years together 6/3/12!
Re: Stressed
It's a shame that people are more concerned about not seeing someone they have a problem with versus being happy to see a couple on their special occasion.
But the rest of your family is under no obligation to do the same. Mental illness or no, I'm sure they are fed up with whatever it is that she does. They do not want to be around her or her crazy and you telling them "she's on new drugs" maybe a repeat of the same old, same old to them. You gave a 30 adult head count to the restaurant and you'll pay the same amount if you have 30 or not. It's not on them, it's on your sisters behavior from the past.
Just have a good time that night and don't worry about why they aren't attending. It's not about them but your parents.
Fair enough, and I get that nobody has any obligation to me, or her. However, the same cousins who are acting this way right now have, in the past, caused problems at our family events with poor behavior (excessively drinking, etc), and I guess the policy in our family up until now had been forgive, forget, and move on. I realize her actions were not excusable, but this is literally unprecedented. Sure, she was wrong, and yes, I agree that they have this right, but to give some context, I am now finding out that close to 20-30 people are all refusing to come. Ok, my sister is sick, and I get that... but understand that I invited 85 people, and with those who can't come (i.e. prior obligations or conflicts) plus those who are choosing not to come for this reason, I am wondering if I may have to cancel the event as I may not meet minimums. Remember: I only guaranteed 30 out of 85.
I feel like when I went into this whole experience, I did it with the understanding that my family has notoriously good attendance. For my wedding day, I invited 115 family members (including guests for single family members). Apart from one cousin who gave birth the week before my wedding, I had 111 out of 115, and most of the rest of those numbers were people who chose not to use guests. No, this is not a wedding, but my cousins all knew I had been planning this for quite a while.
I think we will be okay, but at this point, I am unsure of who can't come because, as I found out after I posted this, a bunch of them got together and decided this together. Basically, they got together to boycott my parents' event. That is sort of why I feel this is aimed at my parents and myself. Again, their choice.
Mostly, I am just sad for my parents, because when this gets back to them after the fact (and it will), they will be mortified. The reason I am giving this party (besides the fact that they are celebrating an anniversary) is I am continually in shock and awe at how well they have handled having a seriously mentally ill kid for the last 20-something years, when there was little to no support. It is a disease. Nobody else has to "put up" with it, but to me, it is similar to any other disease. Also, both of my parents nearly lost their lives in the last year.
I understand, again, that it's their decisions, but it is well-known that my parents both almost passed, and my sister's condition has been out in the open for a long time. I guess I am feeling somewhat bullied and I feel it is somewhat messed up for a group of people to get together and decide to boycott someone's special day, then tell me they have nothing against me or my parents. Who is going to be upset in this situation if this event does not occur?
I would have the party with whoever is willing and able to come. Sounds like you'll be close to the 30 people if not there. As long as you pay for 30, I'm sure the venue won't care how many actually show up to eat. I mean, with a family that large, you're bound to always have someone mad at someone over something and trying to referee it isn't worth your time.
It's honestly kind of odd. A surprise anniversary party - that's one thing. Surprise vow renewal? It's just odd.
So, it could be a mix of reasons as to why people aren't coming.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
-The couple should not register (obviously they have not)
-There should be no mention of gifts on the invitation (there is not, and frankly, I expect nobody to bring gifts)
Also, there are no rings, etc. Honestly, I was planning a nice anniversary party for my family & my mom's brothers wished to do this for her as a gift, as she is a deeply religious/spiritual person. So to answer your question, it's not the "norm," but my family is familiar with our situation (having 2 priests on one side of the family), and being that I expect no gifts and there is nothing attached, why would anyone side-eye that? I am their child, and wish to celebrate the day by giving them a special day as a memory. There's nothing "in it" for me or them other than a special memory.
My concern lies in the fact that my parents' hearts will be broken when they hear of this after the fact. These are two people who have raised a severely mentally ill child for years. It is widely known that she has these issues, and once again, it's an illness. Nobody is "obligated" to come, but what bothers me is that they got together to talk about it, and in a family this large, it will get back to my mentally unstable sister & parents. Yes, I understand that it's a challenging situation, but in a family this big, this is unprecedented, and she is far from the only person who has had mental illness, made poor decisions like this, or upset someone else. My family is notorious for showing up and supporting one another.
I simply feel that alienating family members due to someone's mental illness is unkind.