I need some encouragement today (long, adoption discussed)

Flamingo86 · August 2013

I have just been feeling blue about everything TTC-related this past week.

This is our 4th month TTCAL and I just got a BFN this morning. It's still early (10DPO) but it stung. I know 4 months isn't long but I got spoiled with super quick BFPs in the past. I am seeing our RE next week and intend to bring it up then, but right now I am just discouraged. Also, my chart looks great but I think I'm being teased by the progesterone supps I'm using.

DH and I decided that we are going to TTC through the end of the year and if I have either a) not gotten pregnant or b) had another loss we will move forward with adoption. However, DH has given me the choice of stopping TTC anytime I want. He tells me "just say the words and we're done." I am tempted to say those words each and every day.

I love adoption and always thought I would adopt someday. I never thought it would be like this. I know that if we choose that path that it would be joyful and terrifying all at once. Yes there would be a grieving process, but we would get through it. I just feel like I can't let go of having bio children yet, but at the same time I am exhausted and stressed with moving forward with TTC. Going to the RE and seeing BFNs makes me feel like a failure as a mother and a woman.

Of course, everyone has an opinion as well. Everything from "just adopt and you will get pregnant and carry" to "why would you adopt if you have gotten pregnant before?" I try to ignore stupid things people say, but can't help myself from replaying them in my head sometimes.

Sorry this post has no point, except to vent and get my frustrations out. As always thanks for your care and support.

ETA: Sorry for the dup post. I thought I was previewing but it published.

UPDATE: Thank you all for your kind and encouraging responses. It was a rough morning but I took a walk and had some iced tea and am feeling a little bit better now. You are all the best

amccul20 · August 2013

I'm sorry you're struggling. You are so strong!! you've been through so much and it breaks my heart.

If you've always been open to adoption, would you consider starting the adoption process now and just not using any sort of protection and see what happens..that way you're not giving up on bio children?

caseyandlizzie · August 2013

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now, but I can totally relate. It ended up taking almost a year for me to get pg between loss 2, and 3, and before this bfp, we had had the conversation of being child free if things didn't work out in a few more cycles. Really, whatever choice you make is going to be hard to make, and no one can tell you what the right one is. It seems like you have a great H, though, who will be by you no matter what you decide. TTC, and having losses is a complete mindfuck, and it's okay to have doubt in what the next steps should be since you've been able to get pg in the past. Lots and lots of hugs to you, and just know we're here for you.

amandaf6383 · August 2013

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, @flamingo86. I don't have any advice but I want you to know that you're supported no matter what you decide.

XOXO

poppies717 · August 2013

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, @flamingo86. I don't have any advice but I want you to know that you're supported no matter what you decide. XOXO

This. ((hugs)) Thinking of you, @flamingo86.

islandmonkey8 · August 2013

((hugs)) I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I wish I had more words of advice. I hope whatever you decide brings you happiness.

LuckyAngel07 · August 2013

I cannot imagine all your thoughts, emotions, and uncertainties, but I'm here for you. I'm sorry for how hard this journey is. There's no easy answer, but know that whatever answer you choose, it will be the right one for you.

PinkinProvence · August 2013

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. The emotions with both TTC and Adoption are beyond what any of those ignorant commenters can imagine. No matter what path you choose to take (or what path chooses you) - you and DH are up for some amazing adventures and lots of love that will one day outweigh all the sadness (it can't erase it but you will be happy!)

callitcompulsive · August 2013

I have nothing to add but ((hugs)) ... I'm sorry that you are dealing with all this. I hope that whatever you and your H decide, it brings you peace.

MRads · August 2013

Hugs. I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace.

ILoveRedVino · August 2013

H and I have the same timeline -- giving ourselves this year, and then moving on to adoption.

It is hard. This isn't what you expected or planned, and your life is going in a direction that isn't what you'd hoped for. That being said, if you know you will someone adopt if biological kids don't work out, then you WILL have a family. Knowing that gave me a lot of peace. It took a huge weight off my shoulders. Every day, you're one day closer to that. It will happen.

I wish you lots of luck, and will be here every step of the way.

transponster · August 2013

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this. I hope you two can come to a decision that will bring you both peace.

Panderp · August 2013

Making the decision to build your family through adoption is much more difficult than most people can imagine. In fact, we used a counselor to get through the decision making process so that we could dedicate 1 hr every week to hashing out the what-ifs and grieving process of giving up on biological children. This allowed me to feel like we were making process on the decision making front, while also not occupying every waking minute of my thoughts.

It sounds like you're not ready to make a decision. And that in and of itself is a decision. Is it possible for you two to start doing a little adoption research, looking into agencies and maybe talking with a few? That's what it took for things to feel 'right' for me. We were going back and forth on surrogacy and adoption, and clicking with a fantastic agency is what helped me feel like I was making the right decision with.

You don't have to get to a point where you stop caring about what people think-- words and thoughtless comments hurt feelings. You should get to a point where you feel like you can advocate for yourself against those comments.

I'm not familiar enough with your situation (financially/biologically) to know, but does pursuing adoption mean giving up on biological forever? We can't have children except through IVF and I can't be guaranteed to carry to term, and I nearly died last November during surgery-- all these things combined make biological a completely scary process for us-- and we simply can't afford to chase what-ifs. If we had money for adoption and biological children, we would likely pursue both routes.

nfp147 · August 2013

I'm so sorry flamingo for what you've already gone through and for having to make this tough decision. I'll be thinking of you.

Flamingo86 · August 2013

Panderp said:

Making the decision to build your family through adoption is much more difficult than most people can imagine. In fact, we used a counselor to get through the decision making process so that we could dedicate 1 hr every week to hashing out the what-ifs and grieving process of giving up on biological children. This allowed me to feel like we were making process on the decision making front, while also not occupying every waking minute of my thoughts.

It sounds like you're not ready to make a decision. And that in and of itself is a decision. Is it possible for you two to start doing a little adoption research, looking into agencies and maybe talking with a few? That's what it took for things to feel 'right' for me. We were going back and forth on surrogacy and adoption, and clicking with a fantastic agency is what helped me feel like I was making the right decision with.

You don't have to get to a point where you stop caring about what people think-- words and thoughtless comments hurt feelings. You should get to a point where you feel like you can advocate for yourself against those comments.

I'm not familiar enough with your situation (financially/biologically) to know, but does pursuing adoption mean giving up on biological forever? We can't have children except through IVF and I can't be guaranteed to carry to term, and I nearly died last November during surgery-- all these things combined make biological a completely scary process for us-- and we simply can't afford to chase what-ifs. If we had money for adoption and biological children, we would likely pursue both routes.

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

We are in a place where we could go either route. Adoption would not mean giving up on bio kids forever, but it would likely be putting it off for a while. I've been able to get pregnant easily before but have never carried beyond 1st tri. We've even discussed adopting and then reconsidering bio kids in the future. We are still fairly young (late twenties) so fortunately time is on our side.

Another thing I struggle with is whether or not to use BC if we do decide to adopt. We know I can possibly get pregnant (carrying is really the question). I question if it would be fair to our potential adopted child to still being open to a bio child while in the adoption process.

We are also seeing a counselor and have discussed it with her, which has been really helpful.

Right now we have looked at agencies and have a small amount of money set aside to help us start the process should we decide to go that route. One agency we've looked at has an info night coming up and I'm thinking of asking DH if he wants to go.

Anyway, that was long, but just about sums up what's on my mind. Again, thanks for your response.

lb1117 · August 2013

I don't have much to add, but big ((hugs)) to you. I hope you find some peace on this journey, whatever you decide.

ecinereb · August 2013

I don't have any good advice but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope you come to a decision your are comfortable with!

BeeLu · August 2013

I don't have any advice, but I think a lot of good things to think about have been said. ((hugs)) and I hope that you can come to a decision that brings you peace

DangerMuffin23 · August 2013

Flamingo86 said:

Panderp said:

Making the decision to build your family through adoption is much more difficult than most people can imagine. In fact, we used a counselor to get through the decision making process so that we could dedicate 1 hr every week to hashing out the what-ifs and grieving process of giving up on biological children. This allowed me to feel like we were making process on the decision making front, while also not occupying every waking minute of my thoughts.

It sounds like you're not ready to make a decision. And that in and of itself is a decision. Is it possible for you two to start doing a little adoption research, looking into agencies and maybe talking with a few? That's what it took for things to feel 'right' for me. We were going back and forth on surrogacy and adoption, and clicking with a fantastic agency is what helped me feel like I was making the right decision with.

You don't have to get to a point where you stop caring about what people think-- words and thoughtless comments hurt feelings. You should get to a point where you feel like you can advocate for yourself against those comments.

I'm not familiar enough with your situation (financially/biologically) to know, but does pursuing adoption mean giving up on biological forever? We can't have children except through IVF and I can't be guaranteed to carry to term, and I nearly died last November during surgery-- all these things combined make biological a completely scary process for us-- and we simply can't afford to chase what-ifs. If we had money for adoption and biological children, we would likely pursue both routes.

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

We are in a place where we could go either route. Adoption would not mean giving up on bio kids forever, but it would likely be putting it off for a while. I've been able to get pregnant easily before but have never carried beyond 1st tri. We've even discussed adopting and then reconsidering bio kids in the future. We are still fairly young (late twenties) so fortunately time is on our side.

Another thing I struggle with is whether or not to use BC if we do decide to adopt. We know I can possibly get pregnant (carrying is really the question). I question if it would be fair to our potential adopted child to still being open to a bio child while in the adoption process.

We are also seeing a counselor and have discussed it with her, which has been really helpful.

Right now we have looked at agencies and have a small amount of money set aside to help us start the process should we decide to go that route. One agency we've looked at has an info night coming up and I'm thinking of asking DH if he wants to go.

Anyway, that was long, but just about sums up what's on my mind. Again, thanks for your response.

You both said everything I possibly could. Any decision you guys make will be supported by all of us, but that doesn't make it any easier. Even if you decide to stay off bc while you start the adoption process I don't think you're taking anything away from your adoptive or bio child. It might be a lot of emotional strain on you (Esp if you don't carry to term again) but I know you have plenty of love in you for as many children as you can handle. All I can really say is good luck and you're in our thoughts and prayers. Keep fighting the good fight,

Apollo11235 · August 2013

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I wish there was something I could say to help you, but of course there isn't. Big ((hugs)) to you.

theteno · August 2013

OP, if it's helpful at all, I'm a child of a family with adopted children. I'm responding to whether you wondered if it would be fair during the process to continue trying biologically.

My father and step mother adopted 2 children from Korea. I was 8 when my sister came home and 13 when my brother came home. I remember the process took a long time and was difficult for my parents, but once we received the photos of my siblings it felt like forever until they finally came home just because we couldn't wait any longer! It was such an amazing, exciting time. The whole family wanted to come and we basically look at it as though we all went to the airport instead of the hospital. One cool idea my parents did was along with birthdays, we have always celebrated my sister and brothers' Airplane Days which is the day they came home.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, although I realize this must be a very tough decision, at least as a sibling it makes no difference whether my brother and sister were biological or adopted. It's the same either way to me and my family. We are happy and whole together- and I think maybe the only difference is that I have never taken them for granted. They're in my life in a special way and none of us would be who we are today without each other.

I need some encouragement today (long, adoption discussed)

Re: I need some encouragement today (long, adoption discussed)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards