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Problems with H always helping in-laws (hello! I'm new here, just freshly over from TK!)
Hello ladies!
First of all, I wanted to quickly introduce myself. I just got married in May, we enjoyed a beautiful and long honeymoon in Italy, and now it seems that life is back to the daily grind!
H and I just started living in our new place- which happens to be about 4km from H's parents. The place where we used to live was about 15km away- so not a huge difference, but still.
When we lived 15km away, fh would frequently (2-3x per week) stop by his parents' home to help them with random stuff that needed fixing. Most of the time it was basic stuff that anyone could do (ex: change batteries in fire detectors) yet they still called him to do it. Oh, and his parents aren't old or unable to do it or anything like that... they're in their 50s, and live pretty active lives. For example, MIL visits the gym for all sorts of body pump classes so much that it puts me to shame! 
Anyways, I kept telling him that he needs to start showing them how to do this stuff on their own, because I want us to start having more "us time", and not having to see his parents so often. When he'd go to fix something, he'd often stay for hours, and just come home to sleep (his mom would even feed him dinner), meanwhile I'd just be at home waiting... or have to go wait at their house for him to finish. The problem is that since we got married they call him over even more, esp now that they got a pool. He gets called to go test the water EVERY DAY after work, and also has to take care of it (clean, make sure the chemicals are all within range or add stuff to it), etc.
I feel like the in-laws need to start doing this stuff on their own. I don't mind helping them do things that are hard for them or need more people to do (moving heavy stuff, cleaning gutters, etc), but doing all these small things all the time is starting to annoy me. I talked to H about it but he doesn't really see what the big deal is, and keep saying "it's not like I can say no... what, do you want the house to burn down with them in it because the alarm batteries are dead?"
Any advice on how to lay some limits?
Thanks!
Re: Problems with H always helping in-laws (hello! I'm new here, just freshly over from TK!)
O.k.... I'll try to roll with that this is for real. Although I'm skeptical.
First, I doubt that this is the first sign that he's a momma's boy. I'm sure you saw signs before but ignored them, thinking "OH! once we get married!".
Second, my advice- stop framing it as "you do too much". Frame it as "This interupts OUR time together.". He wants to stop by for 10 minutes, check the water, then come home? Eh- whatever. But he stays for hours, for dinner? Um... why should you eat dinner alone because he can't say no to his parents?
Suggest that he give them a set time each week that he can come by. Maybe suggest "Hey - why don't WE go to dinner there once a week and you can help them out w/ projects?" and then offer up "and stop by one other night a week to check the water - but then come home?".
Work WITH him and you might find a good middle ground.
He's married now. You and spending time /w you should be #1. If this is really a DAILY thing and if he really can't "Get it" why this is an issue.... well, you married a guy who may not have been ready to get married.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'll give it to ya straight:
This is NOT an IL problem.
You have an H problem....
When we lived 15km away, fh would frequently (2-3x per week) stop by his parents' home to help them with random stuff that needed fixing. Most of the time it was basic stuff that anyone could do (ex: change batteries in fire detectors) yet they still called him to do it.
Then there's no need for him to come over. He should have let the phone go to VM and let the parents figure the rest out themself.
Oh, and his parents aren't old or unable to do it or anything like that... they're in their 50s, and live pretty active lives. For example, MIL visits the gym for all sorts of body pump classes so much that it puts me to shame!
Then this is academic.
You have an H problem, not an IL problem.
And very doubtful this just began when you guys got married. Very.
Anyways, I kept telling him that he needs to start showing them how to do this stuff on their own, because I want us to start having more "us time", and not having to see his parents so often. When he'd go to fix something, he'd often stay for hours, and just come home to sleep (his mom would even feed him dinner), meanwhile I'd just be at home waiting... or have to go wait at their house for him to finish.
YOU are supposed to come first, not his parents.
When you marry you and your H become the new family. Therefore you are first and not his parents or anybody else.
The problem is that since we got married they call him over even more, esp now that they got a pool. He gets called to go test the water EVERY DAY after work, and also has to take care of it (clean, make sure the chemicals are all within range or add stuff to it), etc.
I feel like the in-laws need to start doing this stuff on their own. I don't mind helping them do things that are hard for them or need more people to do (moving heavy stuff, cleaning gutters, etc), but doing all these small things all the time is starting to annoy me. I talked to H about it but he doesn't really see what the big deal is, and keep saying "it's not like I can say no... what, do you want the house to burn down with them in it because the alarm batteries are dead?"
Any advice on how to lay some limits?
Here is what you do:
You tell him that the frequent trips to see his parents ends now...or his marriage ends.
And then stand behind your words.
Very doubtful that this type of behavior will end any time soon. The worm is in the apple on this one.
I can relate a little bit on the inlaw situation--mine are a little bit overly attached (IMO, some might think these things are normal) to H and call him all the time (his dad frequently calls asking H, his SON, for financial advice. That just seems flip flopped to me, especially since H isn't particularly great with money (although better than his parents are)) and his mom will do things like bake H a mini pie...cute and all, but mini so that he doesn't have to share it with me.
When H and I got engaged, I made sure he understood that we need to have some boundaries with his parents and that our relationship with each other always needs to be number one for both of us. Another example: H stopped going to church for a few years. We started "church hopping" while we were engaged to find a church nearby that was a good fit for us. He never wanted to give any church a chance, after every service he would make a statement about how he thinks we should just go to church with his parents (45 minute drive away). I said no for many reasons, the main one being that if we went to church with his family, there would be no way this would not turn into an all day family event.
Anyway, enough about me--my point is that you and him need to set some boundaries and come to an agreement. Make sure you focus on how it hurts you that you feel he is always putting his parents first. It's troublesome to me that he doesn't understand what the problem is, so you need to make sure that you explain very thoroughly exactly why it is a problem for you. You said he was somewhat like this when you were engaged, so you kind of knew how to deal with it at one point. Just think back to how you used to feel and cope with this and try to understand why things have changed.
I can totally relate to this one as well. My husband is great mechanic and has always done everything for all of his siblings (He is the youngest of 8). They all call him any and every time they any kind of issue with thier vehicles. They call and he jumps! I dont mind that he helps them out. But they dont pay him or even offer to pay him for him spending hours or sometimes several days working on thier cars. Another thing is that he doesnt even have enough time to maintain OUR OWN vehicles!
But I have to agree with PP... I bet he has been doing everything for them long before you were a part of the picture. Good luck sweetie.