Am I being selfish and don't really deserve my new boyfriend

cutesmile86 · August 2013

About a month and a half ago, I fell into a relationship with a really sweet guy so far. Before this I was single for about one year and a half after ending my 10 year relationship with my ex fiance. I know you guys give great advice and really helped me through that difficult time in my life. I need some advice because I'm kinda confused about this relationship.

I started casually dating this guy from a different race and totally different religion from mine. I made it clear that I wasn't looking for a relationship or anything like that. But somehow now we're in a relationship. We just started to really connect and really like each other. I really like him a lot and have been so smitten with him, I don't think its anything serious right now since we are only starting to know each other. But I'm scared of it getting serious. I don't want to be close minded but these lifestyle differences between us are going to matter at some point. I don't know if we should just end things before becoming more emotionally invested. But how do you even end things with someone you really like a lot and things are going pretty well?

Well not everything is going perfect because he barely has time to go out right now with his crazy work hours and his religion. Which I completely understand him. That's not his fault. He lives an 40 mins away and right now, I always have to make the drive to see him. As I understand, this is temporary due to his work schedule and religious duties he has right now with Ramadan. When we see each other is briefly and we do talk on the phone once/twice a day for a few mins. He also sends me texts through out the day. I feel like he just tries to fit me into his schedule. He clearly does make an effort and I'm not needy at all. I love having my space. But I also want to go out, have fun, and try new things without feeling guilty. I just don't think he'll have the time anytime soon because his work takes most of his time. He works six times a week. He is also very close to his family and they often have something going on, Even when we were just casually dating our dates were short. For the past month I've just been sitting at home. I can't really be demanding when I know he clearly has a lot on his plate. I understand and I like him so much. He's very caring and affectionate which I LOVE compared to my ex who was mostly cold and distant.

I feel like I missed out in a lot in my youth with my ex. He was very jealous in the beginning and very,very conservative so I adjusted to avoid misunderstandings and just went out with him on really laid back dates, I don't want to ruin what could be a good thing but at the same time I just don't know if I was really ready to give up my freedom, I have a really good guy friend with whom I've been friends with for years with who I would go out sometimes and find new things to try before my boyfriend. Recently an old classmate/friend contacted me to invite me to go rock climbing and I feel like I can't just say ok, its something new that sounds fun.

tiffanysbride · August 2013

Perhaps you feel this way b/c of your past relationship. If you are worried about ruining a relationship b/c you are being yourself then you should not be in a relationship at all. It is not fair to either person. Go out with your friends and if he doesn't like it then to bad. Rock climbing is not sex, it's two people with a similar interest hanging out. This guy doesn't sound interested in more that what is going on.

It sounds like you were in a very controlling relationship that has impaired your ability to trust your instinct and makes you second guess yourself. I would probably end this relationship and seek out professional advice. You can't form a healthy relationship and someone with less then honorable motives may take advantage, we see it all the time on these boards.

TarponMonoxide · August 2013

He was very jealous in the beginning and very,very conservative so I adjusted to avoid misunderstandings and just went out with him on really laid back dates,

A dime says he still is. A tiger never changes its stripes.

You just decided to overlook the fact that he is still jealous and still conservative.

And if he's jealous, who needs him? This is also a cultural barrier and guys from that culture will very often as not be the jealous type. I wouldn't take a jealous guy (from any religion or culture) on a bet.

Proceed with caution --- the religious and cultural differences will be difficult to transcend. GUys from these cultures tend to put their parents first and their siblings first; if you ever married this guy, you'd come in dead last.

JemmaWRX · August 2013

tiffanysbride said:
Perhaps you feel this way b/c of your past relationship. If you are worried about ruining a relationship b/c you are being yourself then you should not be in a relationship at all. It is not fair to either person. Go out with your friends and if he doesn't like it then to bad. Rock climbing is not sex, it's two people with a similar interest hanging out. This guy doesn't sound interested in more that what is going on.

It sounds like you were in a very controlling relationship that has impaired your ability to trust your instinct and makes you second guess yourself. I would probably end this relationship and seek out professional advice. You can't form a healthy relationship and someone with less then honorable motives may take advantage, we see it all the time on these boards.

All of this! Why do you feel you can't go out and fun? It doesn't sound like your new guy has put these unrealistic pressures on you. You're putting the pressure on yourself. You're allowing yourself to feel guilty about being independent. You spent 10 years in a relationship where you were expected to fit a certain role and you're projecting that in your new relationship. I think therapy would be extremely beneficial for you.

Whether or not this is the guy for you... only you can know that. Before you can answer that question you really need to dig into what transpired in your old relationship. Given your attitude toward this, you don't seem to have a healthy view of how relationships work. I would take it slow, seek therapy, and see where life takes you.

Best if luck!

Manther1222 · August 2013

Honestly, you can completely be in a relationship with someone who is a different religion as long as you communicate freely and plan. Maybe you should have an "in case this gets serious" conversation- and if it turns out that you can never get serious, now both of you know! Things to ask include: Would you share my religion with me, such as going to religious events? Would you respect my beliefs? Would you require me to behave in your traditional, religious roles? Is it important to you that your children are raised with the same set of beliefs as you? Family-wise, who "rules": the wife, the parents? How involved do you always see your family always being in your life?

Some people don't like it when this point is brought up, but really, the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim God is the same God-though celebrated through a myriad of beautiful traditions and cultures.

Honestly, race-wise, I am from a racial minority and have honestly only ever dated one person from my race. It really depends on your culture-I am American with a flavoring of different experiences, and have only dated other Americans because of how my life turned out. We had somewhat different upbringings but for the most part identify with each other, no matter the race of the person involved.

However, it also sounds as if neither one of you is ready for a relationship. If he is really busy and you are left sitting alone when you could be going on dates, etc, while he fits you into his schedule, and you are feeling a little smothered, it seems like it's a sign to tone things down and be more casual.

Keep your freedom! There is no reason why you can't go out with these friends in a relationship or out of a relationship, or do things by yourself.

ReturnOfKuus · August 2013

If he doesn't want to do the things you think are fun, and barely has time for you, and has more family obligations than you like, then this isn't the guy for you.

EastCoastBride · August 2013

It sounds like YOU are placing these limitations on yourself, not your boyfriend. Being in a relationship doesn't mean giving up your freedom. No- you shouldn't be dating other guys, but going rock climbing? Trying new things w/ friends? Why on EARTH aren't you doing this? Why are you just sitting at home?

IF any of this actually is because you know that your BF won't be happy about it, then this is the wrong guy for you!

Past that, though... you say he has little time w you due to work and his family. Take Ramadan out of it- if it weren't Ramadan, does he still spend that much time w/ his family and cut your dates short because of it?

If so, this is what life w/ him will probably always be like. Sounds like family comes first for him. If he can't/won't make room for you - figure out if yo ucan life like this or not. Doesn't sound like yo ucan. But REALLY realize - this is what life with this guy will be like.

Leftie22 · August 2013

My DH and I come from different religious and cultural backgrounds, and even though our personal beliefs are very alike, there's still a LOT of tension. It's taken me years to get my DH to see me and our son as his Main concern, instead of his parents, and honestly, it hasn't been a fun ride. I love my DH and adore our son, so I can't say I regret things now, but if I had known in the beginning what it would be like to deal with his family and the religious and cultural obligations they impose on my DH, I probably wouldn't have kept dating him. Get out and meet people. You'll meet someone nice who you can see a future with!

pinkbury · August 2013

If you are even debating the relationship, then it isn't going to work. About 8 years ago I was with a guy for 9 months before we got engaged. He was SUPER relgious and a different religion then me. He lost his virginity to me (we were 20) and he felt so guilty because he was so religious (I lost before him) but I made sure he wanted to do it when the time came. I think he only proposed because he felt guilty. we were engaged for 7 months before mutually breaking up because we knew our religions were getting in the way, because we were discussing future baby making and he demanded that our babies be his religion. i didnt want that. i gave the ring back in case anyone is wondering. he was still paying it off. overall he was a great guy, but looking back I don't regret our decision. we just weren't meant to be. now 8 years later, i am newly engaged (after 2 years of dating) to the man of my dreams

and i cant see myself ever being without my fiance. it sounds to me like you should break it off, because it sounds like you already have that decision made. just tell him things are too hectic and you arent ready to settle down right now. i think you need YOUR time right now to live out your youth that you missed out on. go have fun and dont feel guilty about it!!

moonprincessd · August 2013

You and him need to sit down and talk about "what if this becomes serious?"

My husband and I had the talk a LOT because I wanted to raise my children to be Catholic and even though he was raised Catholic he is now I guess agnostic? Not really a term for it since he's "open" to everything/ideas. He basically reassured me that we can raise our kids Catholic and that he honestly didn't care. I made sure he knew how important it was to me and often asked "you sure you won't change your mind" to the point where it annoyed him, lol! Now that we're married, I don't ever ask about it, which he of course is happy about. I know he is okay with it and we won't have any problems later on.

If your boyfriend has other things going on then you should go out! Go out and have fun! He's busy and he's not going to care. Live your life.

Overall if you're doubting this, it might be best to move on, but if you really like him, then it might be worth a shot to have a talk and figure out if you could live with this life style.

PrincessVegan · August 2013

Sounds like you a pressuring yourself. Relax. Do things by yourself or with your girlfriends that you wanna do. Be yourself.

kss20 · August 2013

It sounds like you're not ready to be in a relationship now and that is TOTALLY FINE! Take your time. If he is a keeper, he'll be willing to slow things down and wait until you're ready to make things "official."

Am I being selfish and don't really deserve my new boyfriend

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