Family Matters
HiCan
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
BIL taking advantage of us
Hey all-
So annoyed while typing this!!
My BIL moved cross country in May to live in the town that my H and I live in. No big deal but there are a few reasons the timing wasn't right. He is 39 and doesn't have a drivers license due to THREE DUI's. He hasn't had a license for years and still has years before he can get it back. After a week of living here, he gets a scooter (that my husband paid more than half of to "help him out"). Scooter breaks on day 3. So for close to 2 months my H, myself or MY PARENTS (yes, my parents) picked him up from work every night at 10 pm (M-F) about 30 min away.
After nearly 2 months, he *finally* got a brand new scooter...situation taken care of. What I haven't mentioned is that BIL lives in the house that I still own. We have been paying TWO mortgages since February. (We didn't rent the place out after we bought our new house in January because we knew BIL was planning on moving here and renting it.) My husband didn't make him pay any rent for some of May and all of June and July. The agreement (between them) was that BIL was to start paying Aug. 1st. Well, guess who had to start asking the brother for the rent a couple days into August? My H... and 90% of me only thinks he did because I mentioned it. So, come Aug 12 he pays only half of the rent. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks into August and we still don't have the rest of the rent and no word from BIL. What bothers me is that wouldn't work anywhere you live...why take advantage of us that way? My H doesn't seem to care but I really do. Like I mentioned, BIL is 39 and makes decent money. It really seems as though BIL is taking advantage of the fact that my H hasn't put his foot down on anything. We have constantly helped him on every level since he arrived in May, so this isn't just a money thing.
It is causing serious friction between H and I. My H doesn't seem to care but I'm sure he would if the situation was vice versa and it was my brother. We make pretty good money but it still shouldn't mean that BIL gets to pay whenever he wants or choose the amount. In my mind, it's just another way this grown man gets to take advantage of those around him.
I guess I needed to vent but also to ask what you all would do in this situation???
Re: BIL taking advantage of us
You need to stop focusing on your BIL and start focusing on your husband. Yes, your BIL is taking advantage of your kindness and will continue to do so as long as your husband is ok with it.
If I were you ? Well first I would be very angry with my husband for letting this happen. I would sit him down and tell him exactly how upset I was and I wouldn't sugarcoat it at all. Then I would remind him that on our wedding day he vowed to put me above all others and let no one come between. Then I would let him know how sad I was that he was choosing his brother's happiness over mine.
I would then let him know that we are not helping us brother by giving him all these handouts. He needs to learn how to budget, sacrifice and save. You guys obviously aren't helping him do that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And really- if this continues on, maybe consider selling the house so that it's just taken out of the equation all together.
Oh, and moving forward - I also think you and your parents need to stop being a shuttle service. If/when this scooter breaks down, let it fall to your DH to deal w/ it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why aren't you taking yourself seriously as a property owner and landlord?
You say that you own a home and are renting it out to your BIL. Do you have a signed lease agreement? One that states your responsibilities as a landlord - snow removal, lawn maintenance, timely repairs, appliances, etc. One that also states his responsibilities as a tenant - rent payment, due date, late fees, reporting of needed repairs, access to property, notice to move out, etc.
Stop being annoyed at your husband and DO something about this. Contact a management company to manage the property (for a fee) or do some research on your own and draw up a lease agreement. Have the hard discussions with your DH about what you BOTH want and expect from your tenant. When you both agree, give it to your BIL to sign or give him 30 days notice to vacate.
You can hardly put all the blame on your BIL when you've done nothing to be professional about your relationship as it pertains to your property. You've left it to your DH, who handled it badly. Time to step up and use some basic resources to get back on track. Or admit your BIL is a deadbeat, this isn't working for you and you need him out.
You have an issue with your H and you have to fix it. He cares more about his brother than his wife's property? I'd find out how much H cares about his property. I'm saying, I'd be selling Hs things on eBay or whatever to make up for the rent from BIL. He cares so little for you and your money and the damage to your marriage? Really?!?
Start the eviction process on BIL, it's a long one.
What he's really saying is you don't matter to him.
Evict him and cut him off completely. Do not talk to him any longer.
I suspect he is still drinking and he's hiding his habit.
The both of you need to cut hm loose --- this is a codependency, not a healthy brother-brother relationship.