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What would you do? What is your opinion.
What would you do if you were curious and snooped through your boyfriends messages. Found a message of a girl he used to have random hook ups with ( you know this, or assumed bc of the message she sent). Basically she had sent a message saying how she was in town and how she was gonna find him etc etc and hes like writing back how she will never find him etc etc...long story short she goes "you must have a gf cuz youve never rejected me in the past" and he goes on saying how hes just super busy at work all the time plus he lives at home right now "....not once did he mention yea i have a girlfriend. At least he rejected her but did not agree to having gf.
The only reason why i went through his phone was not bc i didnt trust him, i was just so curious, ive been cheated on so many times. So yea basically i dont trust him especially after reading that idk what to think. If i told him i went through his phone, it will probably be the end of our relationship. Ive talked to him about my trust issues and were both working on it. He is buying a home soon and wants me to move in w him but im not ready according to this story. I know he would never cheat on me, but its just not knowing who he is texting/talking to behind me back is what scares me. We all know how guys are, they like to talk to other girls to feel like they still can get other girls...so a good old guy friend told me. But at the same time, he should be loyal. This is how my last relationship of 3 years ended, found dirty messages between him and another girl.so that insecurity on my end still lingers.
Thoughts??
Re: What would you do? What is your opinion.
1. He rejected her, and you are still upset. He didn't specifically tell her he had a girlfriend because he shouldn't have to. He can tell her whatever he wants to tell her, it's not her business whether or not he has a girlfriend, and he may have a good reason for not telling her - opens a can of questions like who is she, how did you meet, etc. Bottom line - he blew her off. You're still not satisfied. This is a problem.
2. You went through his phone without him knowing. That sucks, big time. You yourself said that if he found out your relationship would probably end, and it should. Would you want to be with a guy that didn't trust you and went through your phone? Your emails? Checked up on where you were? Who you were talking to?
3. Don't move in with him. Continue to take it slowly, and get some counseling for your trust issues / disrespectful behavior. You having been cheated on before and having "trust issues" is not an excuse and free license to treat people like crap. Stop it.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You were way in the wrong.
Get yourself some therapy. Yours is a problem of mistrust, plus the fact that you've attracted jerk boyfriends.
She asked if he had a girlfriend, and he said it was just that he was busy at work? I wouldn't trust him, either.
You know who else I wouldn't trust? The guy friend who says that shifty as all hell is just how guys are.
Agree with most PP's. He may not have told her he had a GF to avoid the drama with her and told her he was busy because he really didn't want to keep talking to her and opening up the "I have a gf now" can would have been a lengthy convo he didn't want to have. He didn't text her to begin with and he turned her down, all good signs.
I'm also tired or the i've been cheated on as and excuse for woman to be so disrespectful. I have been cheated on but would never go through my husbands stuff without his knowledge. Being cheated on does leave and impact on you that will never go away but you can't mirror that on every guy you date.
So, what some of you are saying is that its ok to check your BF or H's phone, as long as you find absolute evidence of wrong doing. However, it is not ok to check a BF or H's phone for reassurance.
I get that it is not ok to snoop. However, checking my ex-husband's emails and phone is how I found out he had been cheating on me for nearly three years. I always had an inkling, but I could never find the evidence, and he always made me feel like a horrible human being for suspecting infidelity in the first place. By violating the "don't be disrespectful and snoop" rule, I found out my husband was actually a really good liar, and that he respected the "don't snoop rule" a whole lot more than he respected our wedding vows.
There comes a point when someone has to do all that they can to protect themselves. I am not saying that snooping is THE WAY to go. All I am saying is that there is usually a reason someone feels the need to snoop, and it's usually because one party of the relationship isn't being transparent.
Yes, and that point should be at the end of the relationship.
Snooping because your marriage is a mess and you're pretty sure he's cheating, and things are on their last legs and you really just need to know the truth? I get that. But routine snooping just to make sure things are OK is not cool.
You are depriving yourself of a full, happy, healthy relationship if you reserve the right to snoop when you are mistrustful. Yes, you put yourself at risk when you choose to trust, as you learned the hard way
But there is so much to gain. It is worth the risk.
But with that said... let me comment on his response
I get why he wouldn't mention you. If my ex hit me up for a hookup, I wouldn't mention my relationship either. I know him well enough to know that he'd take that to mean "I really want to, but I can't," and he'd keep sniffing around hoping the relationship was over. But it's better to just say "no way in hell" bluntly and leave it at that, so I do wonder why he made those other weird excuses.
I really appreciate everyone's opinions. I know i have trust issues and Ive talked to him about it and he understands my reasons for not trusting him because of my past relationships and there are other reasons bc of things hes said that just didnt help my situation. But we are working on it together and ive been feeling better.
I have thought about therapy....its just so damn expensive. I do know its wrong to go through his stuff. I dont think i would be mad if he went through my stuff, cuz i have nothing to hide. Plus since i went through his sutff i have no reason to be mad. My ex didnt trust me and he went through my stuff, he found stuff, but stuff from my past that had nothing to do with him...ha go figure, he was the one who cheated on me. and i only found out bc i went through his phone. I knew he was hiding stuff thats the only reason why i went through his phone.
Now the guy im dating now, the only reason i went through his phone was bc of the things he would say, that made me wonder. Like i mentioned up top, we are working on that right now as we speak too. He has no filter when he speaks so he will accidently mention a past situation w a girl. He doesnt realize it. Long story short, he was in the military, they say whatever is on their mind with out thinking. Their brains are wired way differently lol. But we are doing better and working on both my insecurities and his ways. Thanks again for everyones input. I feel weird throwing my business out there to strangers, but it really helps to get peoples input. People who are older, who have these experiences ect ect.
And a hearty wtf to the idea that telling this woman that he has a girlfriend when she asked would have involved drama and a long conversation. How, exactly, is "yes, I do have a girlfriend" long or dramatic?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
But.
This man is not that man. They are different people and the fact that the last one cheated doesn't make this one any more likely to cheat. It's not fair to punish one person for the actions of another and if you're still healing from the guy who did hurt you to the point where you can't separate them in your mind, then you're not ready to date yet. It sounds from you post that you've fallen into some categorical thinking ("men like to do x") and I think you should work on checking those thoughts and treat everyone as an individual. I'm sure some men like to do that. Some women probably do too. That doesn't tell you anything about *this man*. There are so few things you can say are generally true about men or women as groups, except what's generally true about humanity. How they interact with exes certainly isn't one of them.
I'm sorry if that was harsh, but I really think you'll be happier if you can stop feeling under siege from the actions of someone in your past and not let it affect your future. Seriously, the guy who cheated on you was an asshole, don't let him ruin your next good thing. You deserve better than that.