Relationships
decembergrl2014
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
none
Re: none
This is a massive clusterfuck. He is failing his children. He's throwing money and elbow grease at the problem but in the end he's doing his kids a disservice. I can't wrap my head around this. Why doesn't he petition for custody? There has to be a bigger reason than he doesn't want to hurt his ex's feelings... that doesn't make sense. How are an adult's feelings more important than the welfare of a child? Do you think he wants them? Do you want them?
You keep blaming her but your FI is responsible for this too. She might be a loser and a crap parent. But you FI is not only financing her lifestyle, he's letting his kids go down with this ship. Your FI sucks. For fuck's sake, these are CHILDREN. And we have a Mom who doesn't care to provide them with a stable, healthy environment, a Dad who doesn't care enough to get them out, and a potential step-mom who's more concerned with her pretty princess day and vacation homes (I see your clarification, and I get it, but you spent a lot of time in your OP talking about superficial nonsense - you are entering into a blended family situation, your FI has kids, and you might have to sacrifice your desires as a step-parent). You are the adults here... What the actual fuck?
Postpone the wedding indefinitely and really look at this relationship. If this guy would rather cater to his loser ex-wife's feelings than take care of his own children, is this really a guy you want to call your husband? If this a guy you want to be the father of your children (if that was ever part of the plan).
I have a friend who is divorced and has 3 kids. In lieu of paying child support, he rents an apartment and all 4 of them stay there.
He found it to be much more of a bang for his buck than paying 3 checks for child support.
That arrangement's gone on for over 12 years. The youngest kiddo is now a junior in college and I think he still pays the rent so that his 2 youngest sons have a place to stay. The oldest is already gone and out of the house. (the second oldest kid is still trying to find a full time job; he graduated college 2 years ago and all he gets is contract work)
BUT....my friend works, and always has, and that is how she earns her keep. He pays for health insurance for the 2 youngest kiddoes.
When they were all under the age of 18, he paid for all 3 of their medical coverage.
Your FI's exYF needs to go. No way should she be staying in his home; he is losing money on that deal.
Are the kids covered under his health insurance? They should be.
As for her, she will need to get a job to get coverage for herself. This means go get a job. (and those kids needed to be OUT of her custody, considering she is pretty much a crook.)
You need to give him the boot and fast. Postpone nothing; end this relationship and move on. Your FI is either a pushover, NOT over his exYF or both --- marriage is for TWO people, not 3. She will be in your shadow forever and who needs that?
He also is NOT putting YOU first. "Forsaking all others" is the vow and he already blew that one to smithereens.
Sad fact is he is still in love with her.
As I said, end it with him; there is no room for you in here. There is no healthy dynamic -- you need to come first and he needs to take a harder line with his kids. As a PP pointed out, he needs to get full custody of his kids and he needs to let xYF sink like a rock. THAT is what he needs to do.
I can't see how a father would permit his kids to be in a home that is not good. She's a crook and a liar and is dishonest; she also treats your FI like a doormat and apparently he likes that a lot.
Do not marry a guy who is a spineless wimp, a pushover, or one who has his xYF still carrying on what is a very unhealthy alliance with him -- and do not marry a guy who has zero character, no respect for you and uses you as a doormat. Your FI is all of the afore-mentioned.
If you have any respect for yourself, you'll tell this jerk goodbye and do it as soon as possible --- and a counselor would be a great idea for you. Find out why you tolerated this bullshit for as long as you did and find out why you thought it was a good idea to TRY to marry a jerk like him.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Excuse me but since this involves YOU and affects you -- and since you are marrying him --- it is your business.
I will bet there isn't even a COA for that house. How do you know it's even safe to life in? hey could also be breaking a building code by just letting people move in....plus this also sounds like a money pit.
Dump him posthaste.
He is paying YOU rent? That sounds like a real healthy arrangement right there between you and him.
Not healthy for the kids, either: confusing as hell --- and those kids will grow up to be doormats themselves, probably -- he walks all over you and he has no accord for you at all. He can't cut ties with the xYF and it's a very unhealthy relationship he's got going on with her.
She should be living in an apartment that she pays for and the only contact he should have with *her* is with anything that happens to do with the kids.
Pinterest | Author Site | Tumblr | Blog | Free Printables
If you marry him you will always work to support him and his other family. You will grow to resent him, the ex wife and the kids. It isn't a healthy situation for anyone but really not for you.
He is saying this his business?!? Yet he plans to marry you, is living in your house, is engaged to be married to you and thinks you will save your money for him and a vacation house?!?
You talk about him enabling her but what you aren't seeing is that you are also enabling him.
Cancel the wedding, break up with him and kick his ass out. Dollars to doughnuts he ends back up with her. Also, call CPS. She left 3 kids in a car in the heat. The youngest is 3 FFS. It's a fatal accident waiting to happen here. Your FI is NOT a good guy, he is sacrificing the well being of his CHILDREN because why?!? His reasons aren't good enough they are total BS. He LIED to CPS and covered for her. WTF?!? Who does that?!? What a total POS.
He paid for that apartment when he was out of work for nearly 3 quarters of a year!
Shows you where its at with priorities and character and not breaking a promise to those you love --- what is THIS guy bringing to your table?
If he won't go to bat for his own kids, he's a sorry shit indeed., THey need to be out of that home and with him full time and she needs to sink like a rock.
OP - if you're out there, I get that this is a tough pill to swallow but I don't know what else you expected to hear. This is your life, this is what you're signing up for, like it or not. But you have the opportunity to get yourself out if a crappy situation. Your FI and his ex are unlikely to change, so stop wishing they would. You're in control of you. You make the change since they won't.
Isn't it something like 3 billion?
Unfortunately, I am unable to take down any of the actual flags on the posts.
Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions about this new feature on The Nest's community!