Buying a House, Hubby Not Into It

JJBish · August 2013

Hi, nesties!

I need some advice about my spouse. We've been married for over 3 years, and have been renting an apartment for the same amount of time. Originally, we were only going to live here for a year, until my job got settled. Well, things are the most settled they've ever been. Jobs are stable, and I'm aching to start house-hunting. Although we have both agreed that it's time, I'm the one doing most of the work. Actually, ALL of the work. I run things past my husband about places and prices and mortgage applications. He usually agrees with what I'm doing, but never wants to be active in the search, or the steps to take before buying. This evening, I showed him everything that I've been doing, outlining next steps and suggestions from our realtor. I had spent about 2 hours this evening, and asked him for 5 minutes just to show him. But he says that he can't handle thinking about it because his work is so stressful right now. BS! Yes, his work is stressful, but I haven't asked him to do anything except to see what I've been doing. GAH!

So, I was wondering if anyone else has ever encountered this with their significant other? How can I "get him" to be more involved? I don't want to force it, but if he claims to agree that buying our first home is right, how can I encourage him to be more interested? :S

Sillygirl45 · August 2013

Oh boy! H and I just bought our first home together. I did most the work finding it. I think many men can live wherever they are and are afraid of making a move. H and I have both made poor decisions on real estate in the past and that is very scary. I would just have him go look at houses with you and see how it goes. Either he starts getting excited, or he doesn't. Then you need to have a talk about goals. Good luck!

JJBish · August 2013

Thanks so much, Sillygirl45! I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this. It's so frustrating because we *have* talked about goals and are on the same page. He's just not into it. And you're right about the "afraid" comment; any time I feel he's starting to get excited/interested, and we talk to someone with a negative opinion (not about our situation, but just generally in real estate), he automatically flips back to that. *sigh*

Leftie22 · August 2013

Maybe do some of the fun part (going to some houses) together before doing the scarier part (looking at mortgages, etc.) Just to get him in the spirit and get him thinking about what he likes/doesn't like in a house. Then you can sit down and do the serious stuff, once he has a little motivation and excitement. My DH was exactly the same. He just doesn't deal well with stress. If I sat him down and talked logistics, he'd be terrified. We had to just get out there so he could fall in love with a neighbourhood or a style of house, then he'd want to look at more. Make it fun!!

R.Wilsonny · August 2013

JJBish said:
Thanks so much, Sillygirl45! I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this. It's so frustrating because we *have* talked about goals and are on the same page. He's just not into it. And you're right about the "afraid" comment; any time I feel he's starting to get excited/interested, and we talk to someone with a negative opinion (not about our situation, but just generally in real estate), he automatically flips back to that. *sigh*

I had to deal with this too when we started the process of looking for a home. So definitely not just you...I would suggest what others said...start looking at stuff, maybe even go and tour some homes on your own and report back to your H if you see something you really like and think he should see. Set up a few weekends where you tour open houses and make it a date afternoon....I think once your H starts to see homes, he'll start to get on board more and it will become less 'scary'. GL

moonprincessd · August 2013

My husband was really involved with our first home (although I did the work of finding ones and then showing him, if he liked it too, we both went to see it), but some guys just aren't into it. Our Realtor encouraged us to always look at homes together or if we can't, one go see it and then the other if the one liked it. What you might like, he might not.

What I would try to do together is come up with a list of wants and needs. So your at least on the same page there. Then go house searching alone (if he's not into it) if you see something you like or possibly love, then tell him he should go see it.

Tofumonkey · August 2013

I think there are other issues going on that you are ignoring. He is obviously uncomfortable, not lazy. What is he uncomfortable with? Are things not as stable as you think? Your relationship? Or is he afraid of entering the housing market? We've seen a lot of our friends and family lose out greatly on buying their homes and it has more or less jaded us against it for awhile longer.

Buying a House, Hubby Not Into It

Re: Buying a House, Hubby Not Into It

Choose Another Board

Search Boards