SIL and BIL getting constant handouts

alecia_kasher · August 2013

To keep it relatively short, here's the gist: My SIL and BIL decided to have kids at a very young age and have made some very poor financial decisions over the years. For example, they live in a nearly brand new home with extremely high rent, they bought a vehicle that they can't really afford, and they've bought a 4-wheeler that they technically can't afford. Ever since their first child was born, my MIL and FIL have given them constant handouts. My husband's family owns and runs a family business and my SIL and BIL eat lunch at my MIL and FIL's every single day (mind you they never once have brought lunch for themselves or offered to buy for the week), they eat dinner with my in-laws multiple times a week, both kids are in day care but my in-laws pay for one of their child's day care fees, and now to top it all, my MIL and FIL are now buying them another 4-wheeler so that they can both go out riding together! Not once has my husband's family offered to help us one single bit even when we were very visibly struggling. When we bought our 4-wheeler, we had to pay for the entire vehicle. My SIL and BIL's tv went out around Christmas time. Guess what the in-laws got them for Christmas? A 60 in plasma tv! What did we get? Pots and pans. I know you must be thinking "Jealous!", but trust me when I say I'm not. I am extremely proud to be hard working and have never asked for a single handout from my or my husband's parents. My husband and I struggle in our own sense but we're responsible enough to handle it on our own and not ask for handouts. Now, I know that none of this is really my business but it is so frustrating to see them getting handouts all of the time. I feel like my in-laws are enabling them and that they are being praised for the poor decisions they've made over the years. I can't stand to hear family members pitying them just because they have children and they're "struggling". Maybe if they had made some better choices (renting an older home, not buying a huge SUV that guzzles gas, not buying an ATV) they wouldn't be "struggling" so much. I guess my questions is, have any of you ever had to deal with a situation like this and how do you not let it get to you?

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

I am not in a similar position, and trust me I can see how it is very frustrating, but I would keep reminding myself that what MIL and FIL choose to spend their money on is none of my concern.

Just keep your nose to the grindstone and hold your head up high and know this is probably mostly about the grandchildren and they love having them around. Not saying it is ok, but that is probably why it is happening.

Sillygirl45 · August 2013

Yep. Been there, am there.

H and I just stay out of the whole thing. I'm not saying those occasional nasty thoughts don't cross my mind, I just remind myself of how fortunate I am and glad to be self sufficient.

Just keep in mind, if you ever say anything, you can't take it back. Trust me, a lightbulb will not go off. They will not realize the error of their ways and thank you for being so reasonable. No, you will be the crazy bitch who has no business telling them what they should do with their money.

Also, my IL's are awesome and sweet to me and that helps too. I really have nothing to complain about so their money, their business.

JemmaWRX · August 2013

Whenever I get irritated at other people's stupidity I tell myself, "life's natural consequences will catch up with them." That works for me.

spikeinc · August 2013

Boy do I feel you. My BIL and SIL got married within two months, got knocked up within 7 months and barely can afford to rent a 600 square foot back house. They too make poor financial decisions (ex: a $300 tattoo instead of saving for upcoming baby, buying a Harley when you still owe $13,000 on a car worth only $6000) and also go to my MIL and FIL's house multiple times a week for dinner and on weekends for breakfast as well. They too have never offered to pay for a meal or bring food over. I also love my in laws but know they have enabled their son to be this way and know too that this is only going to get worse with the upcoming baby. According to SIL in February, they usually had only $30 left over every month after bills and this is before baby.

Does this drive me up the wall? Yes! Sometimes I want to just smack some sense into them and tell them that their back up plan of claiming bankruptcy for the second time will not just make their financial problems go away.

I do commiserate with you. It is hard to be in the same room sometimes but boy, am I glad that it is not me in their situation. I just try to remember how lucky I am that I got the amazing brother with all the good traits and that is the one thing that makes me calm down. That and staying away from them most of the time.

anssett · August 2013

I understand the frustration but the only person it's hurting is you. My parents have paid for all my much younger sibling's rent/school/food/car/toys forever...he's 25 now. I've supported myself since I was 17 including college. Is it fair? No fucking way, but getting angry at them (parents and sibling) doesn't change anything. I think it's a disservice to young people to not teach them responsibility and money management. I think it'll hurt more in the long run. But I'm not the parent, I'm the sister.

Also, I am the one who is learning all these money management lessons so I can protect myself, prepare for a family responsibly, and feel proud of my accomplishments. My way is better! I'm happier when I look at it through that lens. Good luck.

Leftie22 · August 2013

I get how frustrating this is, but you have to just let it slide and not say anything. (Then go punch the crap out of a pillow or something!) Both DH and I have siblings who get way more help than we do and live way more lavish lifestyles. But you just have to ask yourself, would you rather be a spoiled, clueless idiot who leeches off other people, or a responsible person who knows how to handle money and take care of themself? Also, the inlaws are probably well aware of how incompetent your BIL and SIL are, and probably appreciate that you aren't doing the same thing. They just can't tell you because it's a pretty touchy subject. Once, after telling me they were helping my sister out for the millionth time, my mom suddenly said "poor Crochet22, you never get the same attention because you never need it." It felt nice to know that she appreciated not having two kids to bail out, and I was happy to not be a burden to anyone. Enjoy your smarts and responsibility and try to ignore the spoiled babies. Call them names in your head, but keep your mouth shut!

TarponMonoxide · August 2013

Nothing you can do.

You either grin and bear it or you do nothing.

I have seen your case a milion times in a million places. Some people never learn; they just keep the gravy train running. Very sad.

MLE2010 · August 2013

Just keep reminding yourself that you owe your inlaws nothing. One day when they are older and want to move in with someone, you owe them nothing. It will be on BIL and SIL to return the favor of help at that time.

This is what kept my parents from being hurt, angry and resentful for years. My grandparents don't live with them and they are happy.

Ilumine · August 2013

The ONLY thing I would do in this situation, is have a very frank conversation with your DH about the upcoming lean years for both couples.

When your Inlaws die, your BIL and SIL are going to feel the crunch pretty much immediately. They WILL come looking to you for support. You need to come to an agreement with your DH on what will happen. And there are a number of alternatives with that.

But you also have to expect that your Inlaws are not going to be able to support your BIL and SIL forever as well. Retirement means a fixed income. And you need to discuss what your family can and should do to help them when they need money because they just gave their extra cent to BIL.

I would sit down now and create a budget that provides for each of you a set amount of fun money. And that fun money is yours or your DH's to use as either of you see fit - be it mani-pedi or giving it to the inlaws. That way your DH doesn't feel stuck not being able to give anything, but the money doesnt affect YOUR house.

SusanH. · August 2013

I am thankful that I don't need to rely on my parents or inlaws to support me. What they do with their money is their business. I just know I wont be giving handouts to those who wont help themselves.

Sillygirl45 · August 2013

The ONLY thing I would do in this situation, is have a very frank conversation with your DH about the upcoming lean years for both couples.

When your Inlaws die, your BIL and SIL are going to feel the crunch pretty much immediately. They WILL come looking to you for support. You need to come to an agreement with your DH on what will happen. And there are a number of alternatives with that.

But you also have to expect that your Inlaws are not going to be able to support your BIL and SIL forever as well. Retirement means a fixed income. And you need to discuss what your family can and should do to help them when they need money because they just gave their extra cent to BIL.
I would sit down now and create a budget that provides for each of you a set amount of fun money. And that fun money is yours or your DH's to use as either of you see fit - be it mani-pedi or giving it to the inlaws. That way your DH doesn't feel stuck not being able to give anything, but the money doesnt affect YOUR house.

This exactly. H and I have agreed we have no ability/desire to help adults who will not help themselves.

Kimbus22 · August 2013

I'm having trouble getting past the fact that you can't believe you had to pay for your entire 4-wheeler and BIL/SIL didn't.

You know the answer here though. You said yourself that it's none of your business. And it's not. It's between them. You stay out of it and make it clear to your DH that you don't want to be bailing them out when they all run out of money and want your help.

alecia_kasher · August 2013

Thanks for the feedback Kimbus22. I think the bit about the 4wheeler came off wrong. It's not that I "can't believe" we had to pay for our 4wheeler. That's not the issue at all. Like I said, I'm super proud that we've never had to ask for anything. I guess what I was trying to say is that if you can't afford a 4 wheeler payment, you shouldn't buy one. We worked really hard to pay ours off and didn't ask for any help whatsoever. That kind of purchase is not something that is a necessity, and therefore, if you can't afford it, you shouldn't have it. I just can't stand irresponsible people who live beyond their means and then expect others to help them out when they're "broke". If you don't have the money for something, you shouldn't buy it.

alecia_kasher · August 2013

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I really do appreciate it and you've all been of great help!

R.Wilsonny · August 2013

Yea, I understand how annoying it can be to watch this, but just count your blessings that you and your H are being fiscally responsible and then make sure to keep in mind all of this in the event they do decide to hit you guys up for money. I'm all for helping family out too, but not when they make irresponsible choices that could otherwise be avoided.

catmiss9 · September 2013

My H and I are living this, too. Not a thing you can do. I agree with PPs. Don't speak to your ILs about it and make an agreement with your H about your finances and loans, etc

SIL and BIL getting constant handouts

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