Married Life
AE1502
member
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
AE Needing Major Advice-Cheating (LONG)
in Married Life
Its not like me to make a AE, but this issue is so personal and painful I need an AE for it. I'm also embarrassed because the cheating is something that happened 3 years ago and I thought it was something I could get over but now I'm not so sure.
So the back story, sorry so long.
A few months after we were married in 2010 I was paying his cell phone bill and something just compelled me to grab a phone number and Google it. Of course, the number I Googled came up as an escorts number listed on things like CL and backpage.com. So in my panic I scour through months and months of phone bills dating to a month or so even pre-marriage (probably about 5-6 months total of phone bills) I find HUNDREDS of different escort phone numbers he's called, some called multiple times, some were texted (back and forth) over 60 times to one number specifically and many more to other numbers, and some were send/received pix messages...the sheer number was staggering. Many calls lasted only 1 minute, I'm assuming going to voicemail? Others 2-4 minutes. I never found proof he actually visited once. I found calls made to escorts on our honeymoon while in Hawaii. I then logged into his personal bank account which I'd never done and scoured his transactions, which weren't many since we barely use those accounts, and found that once while on our honeymoon he went to a strip club and took out $$ at an ATM (during a time he scheduled a massage for me) and then he visited another strip club once back at home. The icing on the cake (as if there could be more to this) was that I was away for one weekend, when I came back and was tidying the room I found a used C on the floor. When I confronted him he said he used it to j-off into. We went to 3 sessions of marriage counseling before he didn't want to go back. Not to mention during therapy the reason he gives why he did these things
Skip to now, 3 years later, while I have no reason to believe he has been doing anything since, something in my is wrestling with staying with him. I'm embarrassed I stayed this long, even though since then he's been a loving husband. I'm getting to the point where I am terrified to move on with him for fear that I could find something again that he's back at it.
I guess I'm looking for advice on what the heck to do. I'm so aggravated that at this point I feel if I ask for a separation I'M the one causing the pain now, but I wasn't the one who did something wrong in the first place. Why do I have to feel guilty now when he was the one who cheated? Does 3 years of good behavior erase what he did?
Sorry so long and thanks for any advice.
So the back story, sorry so long.
A few months after we were married in 2010 I was paying his cell phone bill and something just compelled me to grab a phone number and Google it. Of course, the number I Googled came up as an escorts number listed on things like CL and backpage.com. So in my panic I scour through months and months of phone bills dating to a month or so even pre-marriage (probably about 5-6 months total of phone bills) I find HUNDREDS of different escort phone numbers he's called, some called multiple times, some were texted (back and forth) over 60 times to one number specifically and many more to other numbers, and some were send/received pix messages...the sheer number was staggering. Many calls lasted only 1 minute, I'm assuming going to voicemail? Others 2-4 minutes. I never found proof he actually visited once. I found calls made to escorts on our honeymoon while in Hawaii. I then logged into his personal bank account which I'd never done and scoured his transactions, which weren't many since we barely use those accounts, and found that once while on our honeymoon he went to a strip club and took out $$ at an ATM (during a time he scheduled a massage for me) and then he visited another strip club once back at home. The icing on the cake (as if there could be more to this) was that I was away for one weekend, when I came back and was tidying the room I found a used C on the floor. When I confronted him he said he used it to j-off into. We went to 3 sessions of marriage counseling before he didn't want to go back. Not to mention during therapy the reason he gives why he did these things
Skip to now, 3 years later, while I have no reason to believe he has been doing anything since, something in my is wrestling with staying with him. I'm embarrassed I stayed this long, even though since then he's been a loving husband. I'm getting to the point where I am terrified to move on with him for fear that I could find something again that he's back at it.
I guess I'm looking for advice on what the heck to do. I'm so aggravated that at this point I feel if I ask for a separation I'M the one causing the pain now, but I wasn't the one who did something wrong in the first place. Why do I have to feel guilty now when he was the one who cheated? Does 3 years of good behavior erase what he did?
Sorry so long and thanks for any advice.
Re: AE Needing Major Advice-Cheating (LONG)
That sounds terrible and my heart goes out to you. No, three years of what you assume was good behavior ( because you deep down you truly don't know how good it was) is still no excuse.
Go to an INDIVIUAL counselor who can help you sort through these feelings and the tough decisions you need to make
Go to the Dr and get tested for STDs.
And don't feel embarrassed. NO ONE expects to encounter something like this. No one. You trusted him and he lied and he cheated and you did the best you could in the moment to deal with it. There's no embarrassment there. Anyone who claims to know what they'd do in your situation is wrong. They're just guessing. Guessing how you'd act and actually dealing with it are two different things. There's no shame in changing your mind if you can't stay. None at all.
I don't know if this guy is engaging in intercourse with these escorts --- guys see hookers and escorts for kinks that do not involve any type of intercourse -- but the thing is he is calling escorts.
AND he also did it on your honeymoon.
If I were you, I'd get rid of him stat. He has not been faithful, no matter what service he is buying from a pro.
Maybe you can still have the marriage annulled; the honeymoon calls to an escort may qualify you for one; he married you under fradulent circumstances.
You can bet these calls to escorts and hookers have been gong on for a long time, way before he even met you. (He might also be a sex addict and you need that you need a broken arm) I see nothing here for you at all. Secure your assets and file. Sorry for your troubles.
I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but I will bet he is contacting these escorts still and has been the entire time --- he could be calling from a pay phone, calling from a work phone, calling from a burner phone or a cell phone you know nothing about. He may even be contacting them via voicemail sent through the internet. He may even be going there in person, minus a call to set up an appointment.
And it doesn't matter *if* --- the fact is he did it. There's nothing here for you. File and get out and yes, get tested. And do protect your assets. THis guy is pissing up money on paid sex; bullshit to him.
I'm terrified to leave when I should really stay, and then I'm terrified to stay only to find out later I should have left now.
She's got all the evidence she needs, plus the trust he fostered is shot to hell. It could have been only one call to only one escort: that one time will shoot trust straight to hell.
do keep all the pages as evidence.
And right now:
Run a credit check on yourself and on him. Whenever money starts to leave the scene and money's being spent on services like these, things will have the potential to get very bad in a hurry.
THis is a lot and I don't think the OP needs to turn the screws on the vice any harder:
If you want to "catch" him, insist on a lie detector test, install a key-logger on his computer or install a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car to record his conversations on his commute. But I would say not to bother. You don't trust him and that is enough of a reason to walk away.
I'd make my preparations to leave if I were you.
I hear what you are saying Tarpon, I just know some people need to see it for themselves before they can leave. I know it shouldn't have to go that far, but if the condom and the phone calls didn't make her leave, then maybe seeing it with her own eyes will.
OP, if you knew without a doubt that he was cheating currently, would you leave ? What do you need to do to get that satisfaction.
I don't think he's cheating currently, its the fact that I can't get over the past, and struggling with the fact that since its been 3 years, should I just get over it and move on like I thought I could do? Or should 3 years of assuming good behavior be enough to make up for the past. And now I'm going to cause all this pain by saying I'm scared to move forward with him. This was all total rambling I know, I'm just so flustered right now!
It's been 3 years and you are still dealing with this, do what is best for YOU.
Well 3 years ago after I found out...but not since then.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am not a qualified mental health professional, but it is my personal opinion that someone with as serious of a sex addiction as his would not be able to suddenly stop on his own. For him to be on his HONEYMOON and visiting strip clubs and calling escorts?? That is a serious addiction to sex and skeezy behavior and odds are he didn't stop, he just became better at hiding it.
But as other posters have said regardless of whether he is still cheating or not you don't need justification for leaving. He messed up big time, and then refused to follow through after a few therapy sessions. This demonstrates he isn't willing to face his issues and change. Yes you have put 3 yrs in and it's hard to walk away from that. I've been married about that long, and I understand that is a lot of investment of time and love and energy. But in 10 yrs do you want to still be going through this and then it's 13 yrs of your life? I can't imagine how difficult divorce would be, but I do know many people that have come out the other side of a divorce and found happiness (and wished they had gotten that divorce years earlier).
We talked last Friday and I explained all my concerns and said I'm needed time and space to sort through my thoughts and feelings. I know this is really going to sound like I'm complaining but he's done everything except give me the space I asked for. Constant texting, calling, send chocolate covered strawberries...just ads to my inner conflict because I don't want him to be doing those things, so I feel even more bitchy for not being appreciative.
Again, try not to question your feelings! What is there to appreciate? You asked him for space directly, and he's not giving it to you. He might think it's cute or romantic, but it's basically like saying "hey, I'm going to ignore your needs and disrespect your wishes. Instead, I think I'll just do what I want to do." And isn't that the problem? That he's been doing what HE wants to do? I'd be really mad at what he's doing too, it's like he wants to keep your focus on him, instead of on yourself. Text him back that you're serious about wanting your space, and if he can't respect that, you'll block his number. Good luck, and you're not a bitch! Try to use this time to think about what you want your life to look like in the future. I'm sorry you're going through this.
This would absolutely be my breaking point. He is not respecting your feelings at all. He is still trying to get his way. Add to that his previous horrible behavior, and I think you have your answer. This really sucks.