Family Matters
BrookerL
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sticky situation with the BIL's girlfriend
First time poster, not sure where else to vent/seek advice. BIL is pretty awesome guy, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but a nice guy. His girlfriend... not so much. During our wedding planning, my now husband said he didn't even want her at the wedding. Thinking it was because she'd spent the better half of a year acting like a raging jealous brat - read: getting in multiple girls' faces (some of them random, some of them friends of ours) and screaming at them to stay away from her boyfriend (the BIL), even going so far as to (1) throw a drink in one girl's face, and (2) toss another from a cab - I assured him that she certainly had the decency not to act like that in front of his parents, so we shouldn't be worried. So while my fiance continued to ignore her entire existence for the months leading up the wedding, I made an effort to be nice and friendly so as to avoid any horrific outbursts on or prior to our big day. (I was slightly miffed that neither the BIL nor the girlfriend showed up to ANY of our 3 wedding showers, but had to realize that DH was being a bit of piss ant, so I gave it a pass.)
Fast forward to three months after the wedding and a friend lets it slip that the girlfriend has been blackmailing the BIL, threatening to leak information about him if he were to break up with her. This information would not only be career-ending, but might also lead to criminal charges. Pretty bad stuff. Asked DH as to whether any of this was true and he not only confirmed both accounts (the bad move made by BIL and the blackmail threat), but also told me he had known for a long time - long before we sent out our invites. Hence his reluctance to invite her to the wedding. Neither DH nor I are happy AT ALL with BIL's poor choices, but certainly he shouldn't have to suffer forever at the hands of this blackmailing shrew.
I know that as I'm only an IL, I technically have no right to say anything, but the whole situation makes my blood boil. I'm frustrated that I wasted my energy being nice to her while she was secretly punishing my BIL. And even more so I'm angry that, somehow, he seems to genuinely be in love with this girl. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but marriage is not out of the question. And I just don't trust her, not one bit. She's already been married once and left that guy one day in the middle of work - just packed her stuff and left, without telling him. I don't want my BIL to end up getting screwed over after he's married her (and god forbid, had children), but DH doesn't think there is anything we can do. Family events are getting intense - we talk to his parents, then they meander over and talk with them, then come back... we never hang out as just a family anymore because it's too tense between DH and the girlfriend (and now me, too.) What's a good wife to do?
Better question - this really isn't my place, on so many levels, so how can I let this go?
Re: Sticky situation with the BIL's girlfriend
He has to be the one to tell her to take a flying leap -- but I guarantee you he won't. I know of a few guys who ae exactly like your BIL when it comes to their girlfriends.
The girlfriends in question are horrid: domineering, divisive, controlling, real ballbreakers and they are not nice to everyone.
What you need to do:
Stay out of it.
He will not listen to you --- it's the whole "love is blind" thing --- and I guarantee you that the GF will only increase her confrontational actions when it comes to you and your H.
If she is at a family function at your house (yes, she is invited because the BIL won't leave her home) and she makes a scene and causes a commotion, don't hesitate to have the police handle the issue.
She isn't just a *nasty person* --- she is most likely emotionally/mentally troubled. Shoving people from cabs? Getting physical? I'll bet indeed she's got an emotional or mental problem.
Sorry for your troubles.
As to your wedding and you being nice to her, I'm troubled by how dismissive your initial reaction to him was. Your H was right but you completely misjudged him and did your own thing. Now this crazy person is coming to your wedding. If she makes a scene (I'm going to bet she will) you will only have yourself to blame. Your FI tried, he warned you and made his wishes known. Had you listened to him and trusted him we would have a different story.
If she has really done the things you say she has, good luck at the wedding!!
Your BIL doesn't HAVE to suffer at the hands of this woman. He could break up with her and own up to whatever bad (criminal!?!) decisions he's made. He's choosing to deal with her instead. So that's it. Nothing you can do about that.
The complicated part I see here is the issues between you and your DH. 1. He told you he wanted to stay away from her and you ignored his opinion and did what you wanted. That's a problem. 2. He knew important information about the situation and kept it from you. That would also be a problem for me, although I'm sure some would consider that fine since he was keeping his brother's secret. If I were you, I'd stop worrying about BIL and start working on my communication with my husband.
Wouldn't be frustrated with her, she maybe the reason but not the cause.
Toward the BIL?
BIL is the CAUSE of all this, he could end it today if he really wanted. Blackmail or not he is the only one to fix this and bid her goodbye. You deal with it by doing what he should do with her. Saying goodbye until he gets his shit straight. He is allowing her into his life, you choose to allow them into ours.
Toward the DH letting the relationship with his own brother crumble?
You need to realize that your DH isn't doing this, his brother is. Just because they are brothers and used to be close doesn't mean your H has to put up with a situation that he doesn't want to. Why should your H have any of the blame here? His brother is the only one to have the blame.
As to the rest, you and your H are adults here, correct? You do understand that you don't have to listen or put up with anyone telling you that you should do xy&z. The reasons or choice you and your H make regarding his brother is no one else's business or call. You also need to respect your H here, it's his family and if he doesn't want a relationship with his brother you need to follow his lead.
I think THAT's a better way to frame my question.
You get over it and let it go. This is BIL's life, not yours. You don't know what goes on in their relationship behind closed doors. All you can do is make sure that BIL knows that you guys are there for him, no matter what, and then back out. At family functions and whenever you see her be nice, polite and friendly, but treat all information as though it could be ammunition and be careful not to give her any. Remain vague and talk about the weather or the food.(So... be British?)
Don't confide to your inlaws about it unless they specifically ask you or bring it up. Not your place.
I get how you are feeling, I'd want to shank the witch too. But you need to back away and just let things unfold.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
But, all the other stuff... I can understand if you both don't like this girl that it makes things uncomfortable, but your BIL is voluntarily in the relationship. So if he has accepted things for what they are...so can you both. Be the bigger person. And try not to let this girl isolate him from his family... talk to them at family gatherings... try to realize that he is the one in the situation and he is the only one who can get out of it if he really wanted to.
Of course it sucks that your BIL is with someone you all dislike so much, but it's his choice at the moment and your job as his family is to support him....and hopefully be there when it all falls apart.