Married Life
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In Desperate Need of Help/Advice
First of all, I've started this post three times now. I know this is a bit long, but please read through -- any advice is much-appreciated. There just doesn't seem to be a good beginning, so how about let's just dive in, shall we..? A bit of background: my husband and I met when we were both living in FL. From the get-go, he told me he'd be moving back to NC to run a family business. At the time, I had no idea things would escalate to marriage, so it didn't bother me. Even as his move got closer, I was excited to move and begin a new journey with him. We were engaged when we moved to NC and married one year later. It's been 11 months since then
The company started out okay, but as time went by, I knew he wasn't happy. The company wasn't succeeding as he had hoped, working with his father was destroying their relationship. He would come home beat down and stressed, and, overall, he seemed unhappy. Let me also say that I am extraordinarily close with my family -- they are intrinsically part of me, and I miss them every single day. Living here without them has been so much harder than I ever could have anticipated. But I promised my husband we would try this for five years. I knew I wasn't happy here, but I had promised him. But, as months passed, it was becoming blatantly obvious how unhappy we both were. Why would we stay in a place where he's miserable, I'm miserable? Why would we "stick it out" for a failing company? So in May 2013, my husband started the conversation of maybe-we-should-move-back-to-FL. We talked about it, he told his dad (who responded with, "You two just don't seem happy here."), and it seemed as though that would be what we would do. We would sell the company and look for jobs and move back to FL. I waited several months to tell my family in friends, as I wanted to be absolutely sure. I flew home two weeks ago and told everyone. I couldn't have been more excited to go home. I want so badly to have a baby, but the thought of going through all of that without my family nearby tore me to pieces, so I was thrilled to get back to FL and start our family. I don't know that words can express just how badly I wanted all of this to fall into place.
Yesterday, my husband told me there was a buyer interested in the company and that, if this person bought the company, we would move probably before Christmas. Then, all of a sudden, my husband did an about-face and said he needed to reconsider the move. He told me his dad and uncle told him that giving up the company would be "the stupidest thing he's ever done," and that he would "wake up one day and resent" me. I feel as though my world has been turned upside down. My husband now says that he needs to give this company more of a chance, that he wants to give me a life I never could have dreamed of. What he doesn't see is that the money in it all (of which there is none right now) means nothing to me. Simply, I just want to go home and start our family. He tells me the company has, in fact, been profitable and that he's in a lose-lose situation.
I cannot express how much I do not want to stay here. I absolutely hate this place. I hate not being near my family. I cannot fathom having a family here. I want to go home. My husband says he cannot fathom leaving now. I feel as though his family got into his head, and now he feels he can't walk away. I feel so betrayed. I feel as though my life was going just how I wanted it to, and the ground has been pulled out from under me. Last night was an all-out screaming match. Nothing has been resolved, and I don't know what to do. I am brought to tears when I consider "sucking it up" and staying here. I know this post has been long and rambling, and there's probably not enough information. But if one of you blessed souls reads to the end of this, I would very much appreciate any input and advice... Thank you.
The company started out okay, but as time went by, I knew he wasn't happy. The company wasn't succeeding as he had hoped, working with his father was destroying their relationship. He would come home beat down and stressed, and, overall, he seemed unhappy. Let me also say that I am extraordinarily close with my family -- they are intrinsically part of me, and I miss them every single day. Living here without them has been so much harder than I ever could have anticipated. But I promised my husband we would try this for five years. I knew I wasn't happy here, but I had promised him. But, as months passed, it was becoming blatantly obvious how unhappy we both were. Why would we stay in a place where he's miserable, I'm miserable? Why would we "stick it out" for a failing company? So in May 2013, my husband started the conversation of maybe-we-should-move-back-to-FL. We talked about it, he told his dad (who responded with, "You two just don't seem happy here."), and it seemed as though that would be what we would do. We would sell the company and look for jobs and move back to FL. I waited several months to tell my family in friends, as I wanted to be absolutely sure. I flew home two weeks ago and told everyone. I couldn't have been more excited to go home. I want so badly to have a baby, but the thought of going through all of that without my family nearby tore me to pieces, so I was thrilled to get back to FL and start our family. I don't know that words can express just how badly I wanted all of this to fall into place.
Yesterday, my husband told me there was a buyer interested in the company and that, if this person bought the company, we would move probably before Christmas. Then, all of a sudden, my husband did an about-face and said he needed to reconsider the move. He told me his dad and uncle told him that giving up the company would be "the stupidest thing he's ever done," and that he would "wake up one day and resent" me. I feel as though my world has been turned upside down. My husband now says that he needs to give this company more of a chance, that he wants to give me a life I never could have dreamed of. What he doesn't see is that the money in it all (of which there is none right now) means nothing to me. Simply, I just want to go home and start our family. He tells me the company has, in fact, been profitable and that he's in a lose-lose situation.
I cannot express how much I do not want to stay here. I absolutely hate this place. I hate not being near my family. I cannot fathom having a family here. I want to go home. My husband says he cannot fathom leaving now. I feel as though his family got into his head, and now he feels he can't walk away. I feel so betrayed. I feel as though my life was going just how I wanted it to, and the ground has been pulled out from under me. Last night was an all-out screaming match. Nothing has been resolved, and I don't know what to do. I am brought to tears when I consider "sucking it up" and staying here. I know this post has been long and rambling, and there's probably not enough information. But if one of you blessed souls reads to the end of this, I would very much appreciate any input and advice... Thank you.
Re: In Desperate Need of Help/Advice
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Not to sound rude, but didn't you initially agree to give it 5 years? So okay, you changed your minds and then decided you were going to move back, but now your H wants to give it another go with the business and I think you are being a bit selfish here when the initial agreement was that you guys would stick around for 5 years before deciding whether or not you would move or do whatever.
I also think that the both of you are missing the plot a bit when it comes to marriage. You guys are both thinking 'my family' vs 'his family' but the reality is when you got married - you guys united into your own family unit. Meaning - you put each other first. Not his family - not your family. All I am seeing out of you is 'but MY FAMILY is there' and you are saying that he let 'HIS family get into his head'. You both need to forget all of this and start making decisions based on what is best for the both of you and your future. Whether that means sticking it out like you guys originally agreed to, or going back to FL or something else entirely.
If you miss your family so much and can't stand the thought of being away from them, then why on earth did you get married in the first place? What about your H's family or his needs? Yes, there's probably a lot you aren't telling in your original post, but imo, you are sounding quite selfish. Take a step back and look at the big picture here. Your H seems to be trying, but you seem to be giving up.
Moving to a new place is never easy, btw. I moved to Spain with my H and the first year was very hard. Hard enough because we were immigrants in a foreign country, but my whole world was turned upside down and it was quite scary. It took me about a year before I finally started to feel at home and even then it was hard. Some days I would just cry and think what did I do here? What I learned was that you need to find things to do to keep busy and things that you liked doing in your original home, start doing them in your new one. Stuff that would give you some 'normalcy' to your life, if that makes any sense. Hobbies, a job, whatever - just keep busy.
Anyway, I hope I didn't come across too harsh because that's not my intention here....hopefully everything works out, whatever you decide to do. GL.
What' important here: that you and he decide as a couple --- if he wants to give it one more chance, suppose he does so for a trial period of time, say 6 months? If it doesn't pan out, you and he can move back to Florida.
Sounds like his father and other family member is bullying him and making him feel guilty. Family has a funny way of getting under your skin.
Regarding "MY" family vs. "HIS" family, there are more issues there as well. I understand completely what it means to be married, and I am happy every single moment that he is my husband. Please don't question my marriage without all information. Again, not trying to be rude, but my marriage is a blessing. Back to the family issue: his parents and siblings haven't exactly been the most supportive. It's common knowledge that his sister is the "favorite," and his parents constantly nag us about very personal matters. We try to include them as much as possible, but we feel rather pushed away. As for my family, my husband (on numerous occasions) has said how much more he enjoys being with them, how much easier it is. So, to address the issue, we both know whose family is more supportive and easy to get along with. That does not, mind you, discount the fact that his family is my family now, too. I understand that.
Again, I very sincerely appreciate your reply, and I hope I've addressed some of the issues you pointed out.
Now, I moved to FL from Texas for my Hs career. I HATE it here, my family and friends are ALL back in Texas. I did this with zero time limit. I understand your homesickness, the joy of going home taken away and your hate of living where you don't want to. However, you agreed to the move. Even the 5 year limit isn't a sure thing not smart to pin your hopes to.
I'll be honest, grow up. Instead of looking for all the ways it sucks, look to what this could mean for your families future. Stop comparing the differences between your inlaws and your family. Your inlaws have shown and proven who and what they are. Put boundaries in place with them and keep them up. I've noticed the longer I'm away the more I forget the bad things and only remember the good.