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Families and Weddings (Long Vent-Sorry!)
I am so disgusted with my family right now and I just need to vent. Some background-In 2012, our family suffered a lot of loss. My mother passed away, my sister’s fiancé died of a drug overdose, and my brother’s girlfriends’ mother died as well. My sister has always been a very selfish person, but believes that she is the most giving person in the world. After the death of her fiancé she became impossible to be around. I know that sounds awful, but she is verbally abusive of everyone, especially her mother, and hostile toward anyone who tries to help her. I have tried over and over again to have her seek help, but she insists that she doesn’t need help and then yells at me about how no one is helping her and she is alone. Everyone has done everything for her. We found a place for her to live, I paid her first, last, and security because she has no money and horrible credit, my fiancé, brother, and I moved her. Her mother, who lives on Social Security, gives her money every month to pay her rent and she eats there every night. Whenever we are together, she attacks everyone’s actions and ideas, and is argumentative and abrasive. Any conversation with her is one way-what she wants, thinks, is doing, etc. So I have distanced myself from her.
My fiancé and I got engaged in March, but did not tell her right away because it was her birthday and I did not want her to feel that I had imposed on her party. When I did tell her, her response was less than enthusiastic. She did mention the flowers and how she would send pictures of what she thought would look nice. (She is a florist) At a family gathering, she asked about our planning. When I told her about the colors, caterer and dj that we had chosen, she had a negative opinion on all of them. The color would not look good on her, I should get so and so’s caterer, and my brother’s friend would dj. I told her that I would not change the color and that she would look very nice in it. If she really felt pale then I would pay for her to get a spray tan. And that we had already put down deposits on the other things and were very happy with them. I have spoken and texted with her about things that she wants to talk about periodically since then, but she has never asked about my wedding planning, except to ask me to change the color repeatedly. When I have mentioned something here or there, she has ignored it, so I just move on and let her talk about herself some more.
Last week, my MOH wanted to meet the other girls in the wedding party that she did not know, so I asked them all over for dinner. We invited my sister because we didn’t want her to feel left out. She was in rare form! She humiliated the MOH by saying things about her that were embarrassing, complained about the color again, and generally did all she could to make the entire evening about herself.
She later asks me to come over so that we can go over flowers. I get there and I am given the world’s worst guilt trip ever! She has known me since I was young, I cut her out of my life, no one talks to her about anything anymore, she is left out of the loop, and she was deeply hurt that we did not tell her about our engagement first. Any type of reason I tried to give her about her behavior she threw back on to me. Long guilt trip short, she becomes a Maid of Honor to compliment my Matron of Honor to make her stop. After I concede to this, she then goes on about my brother. How his GF keeps asking what his role will be in the wedding because he will be hurt if he isn’t involved. She goes on and on about how hurt he will be, so I make him a reader. Let me also add that in between all of this she keeps saying, well it is your day, we all want you to be happy.
Later on, I talk with her mom. When we had spoken about the wedding before, I had asked which of my brothers did she want to walk her to her seat at the beginning of the ceremony. Of the three, she chose my middle brother. My middle brother is cognitively disabled and is the most kind-hearted loveable person in the world. She wanted the day to be special for him. She then tells me that both my sister and my oldest brothers GF have been telling her to make it my oldest brother, because it matters more to him. To keep the peace, she asked that he be the one to walk with her.
I am just so sick of the two of them right now. Neither one of them ever acts like they have any interest in my life. They only call when they want something (usually $) or if they have something that they want to talk about. They don’t come when they are invited over, but expect us to go out of our way to make plans to see them at the last minute, and really aren’t involved with us at all. But they need to be such a part of our wedding that they have to create this nonsense? I am really trying to keep the peace for the other members of the family, because I know that if I say anything, that I will be the bad guy, and any semblance of a relationship that we have will be up in flames, and it will hurt everyone else who isn’t involved. I am just so over it already!
Re: Families and Weddings (Long Vent-Sorry!)
You would cut her off completely.
Why has she got bad credit? Why are her behaviors so horrible?
Cut her off completely. Her credit is bad because of a spending addiction, some other addiction you don't know of and/or possible mental illness.
Cut her off today. Do not give her any more money and your mother needs to stop coddling her, stop sugar coating her and most of all STOP ENABLING HER.
"Sis, we love you but not your behavior or your problems with money or other issues you've got. Therefore, as of today, I will no longer be in touch with you. If you clean up your act and your credit and your behavior and you have done so for a very good long while, prove it to me that you have and you will once again be welcome in my life."
And get therapy so that people like your sister stop having you by the balls. You did WHAT to make sis "Stop her behavior"???? I wouldn't have asked her in the wedding party for love or money. You are NOT obligated to ask a sibling. NOT required and not necessary.
Learn to stand up for yourself more.
Oh good grief.
A - your sister is who she is. You getting married isn't going to change her. Stop expecting her to suddenly be supportive and enthusiastic for you. You have a LONG history of her being anyting but that, right? Well- YOU getting married isn't going to change her.
I"m not saying this to "flame" you- I'm saying to this to make you realize that you can't expect someone to fundamentally change because of your wedding.
B- stop trying to "keep the peace". You'll NEVER be able to please everyone. So just stop. Figure out what you and your FI want and then stand firm on your decisions. Stop giving in to your sister's (of ALL people!) guilt trips and just say "No. This is my wedding and my decision. No".
And STOP giving her money. You're entire family actually is doing her no favors. She isn't learning to take care of herself because people save her left and right.
OR if you continue, again,k realize that this is WHO SHE IS. And honestly, you're only helping her be "who" she is by always giving in to her and bailing her out.
Stop trying to explain yourself to her. Just say "Thanks for your opinion" and leave it at that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm sorry for all the loss your family has had. But, STOP PAYING for her. She doesn't get a free spray tan from you because she doesn't like the color. This is YOUR wedding, you can A. Ignore her and pray she doesn't ruin it (which, she will) or B. cut her out of the wedding and show your family and her that you are an adult and won't put up with BS.
People like her don't and won't change. They do and say and pull this crap because everyone lets them. You are letting her run your wedding, your life and your money. Knock it off.
Co-what??? Bullshit. Unask her. Take this very rare opportunity to circumvent the "Sorry:You Asked Her You are STUCK With Her In Your Wedding Party" rule: tell her she is out as a co-MOH.
She won't show up, or she will find a way to ruin the wedding if she does bother to show up at all.
She could spend the wedding expense money she is given on something else or she will scream and make a scene sometime during the day.
I guarantee you she will ruin your wedding.
How much of a damn glutton for punishment are you, really???
I am serious:
Cut her out of your life, starting now.
She's peculiar and has a problem: she's either mentailly unbalanced, got an addiction or she's got a spending problem. Boot her out of your life posthaste.
Thank you very much for your responses, I appreciate them and I do hear what you are saying. My sister and her fiancé were together for 12 years. He had a very serious drug problem. During that time, I only gave them money one time, and when I saw the results, I did not give them anything else. The rest of the family and friends gave them more and more money that they pissed away in everything except their responsibilities. We were not very close during this time because they resented the fact that I did not support them, and I would not go anywhere with them because they always created a scene. She has bad credit because they did not pay any of their utilities or their mortgage for years. I think that when he was alive, we all wanted to blame him for most of their problems.
But after he died, it was apparent that she was the source of the issues. I gave the first, last, and security before this realization and have not given her anything since. When she calls for money, she never asks outright, she just says things like, “I only have $12 for the rest of the month.”. My response has been, “That sucks, you need a better job.” And then I move on. I have talked to her mom about cutting her off, but she will not. I have had the, “Seriously, WTF?” conversations with her, to no avail. Everything is always someone else’s fault. I have also tried repeatedly to talk to her about her behavior and get her to see someone about it.
I love her mother and my younger brothers and want to continue to have them in my life. When she is pissed at me, the rest of the family is expected not to speak to me. I know that this is ridiculous, but it is true. I want to keep the peace because even though they enable her behavior, I love them and want them to be at the wedding.
I know, and have known from the time of our engagement, that she was going to be an issue no matter what we do. I was unprepared for the guilt attack and circular argument that ensued and gave in when I shouldn't have. I have reached my end with her and if she pushes any further, I will put her out and hope for the best with the family.
Well, what do they actually DO? Do they follow suit and have nothing to do w/ you? If they do, then shame on them. But as such- she has you ALL hostage. You won't say "boo" because "oh geez.... no one else will talk to me".
Which leads me to- what kind of people are THEY that they'd actually follow HER "commands"? Why are YOU not important enough to them for them to say to her "Um, no... your issues w/ her are your issues. Not ours. We aren't going to stop talking to her.".
Heck- maybe if everyone started say ing "no" to her, she'd be alone and realize "Oh... shit. Look where I am now.".
But seriously. If they follow suit, THEY really aren't all that "good" of a fmaily to you. To treat you poorly to appease her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Just the bolded part said everything. She makes a scene at your BM's get together and then guilt trips you...and you reward her by making her MOH?
How does that make sense? All you've taught her is that whining, throwing tantrums, and making scenes will get her whatever she wants.
You then make your brother a reader because your sister told you to. Whose wedding is this?!?
Your sister is a whiny, manipulative, selfish bitch. Cut her off today. And stop enabling her shitty behavior.
You have lots of sob stories and excuses- but at the end of the day you have to make your own decisions and live with the consequences.
You invited your sister to the bridesmaid party. It shouldn't be any surprise to you that she caused problems. Either invite her or don't, but don't be surprised when she acts exactly like she always does.
You gave mom the responsibility of deciding who walks her down the aisle- leave it up to her. If people are complaining about it, tell them that it was mom's choice and you're fine with it.
You will NEVER make everyone happy; and as long as you keep trying to appease everyone else, your situation is not going to change.
You need thicker skin and a stronger backbone if you're going to keep these people in your life.
This is what you've done ot yourself. So just STOP. Take a step back and figure out what YOU want and start from there. And stand FIRM.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is your wedding. Your big day - a day that you will remember fondly forever with your husband.
Does she truly need to be there? Are her dramatics worth it? Really worth it? I'd have her there, but as a guest. Not as a Matron/ Maid of honour. Not as a bridesmaid. Not as a florist. Not as a piano player or usher or speaker or the "person that holds grandma upright". As a guest.
I'd also have your friends or family run defence for you on that day with her. You know what she is like. Your colours make her look pale. Irrelevant. Your dj is not good enough. Irrelevant. This is your day, you have it how you want it to be.
As for the rest, you need to step back from your "sister". She needs space, give it to her. Stop bowing to her demands, stop providing for her and just... stop. And when she asks (screams, rages, rants) tell her exactly why. That everything is constantly about her and you can't handle it any more. You love her. You try to be there for her, but enough is enough. She needs to be there for you too, relationships are two way streets. Until she can focus on something other than herself she needs to leave you be. Turn and walk away.
It will hurt, and it will create some dramatics, but at this point it needs to happen.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10