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jessx88 · September 2013

Erikan73 · September 2013

Wow, not an easy situation to be in and it probably won't get better. First thing I would do before moving back is secure employement for you. To help your dad out if you financially, maybe you can pay for lawn care service to come & mow the lawn weekly and do seasonal (spring/fall) clean ups and and/or pay for a cleaning service to come weekly & clean the house for your parents. By doing this you would be doing something to make sure their home stays nice for them and freeing up time for your dad to spend with your mom taking care of her.And of course, call and write her as often as possible. By no means let your brother stay where you are living after you leave, he needs to be out of the house before you leave. If you own the house will be selling it, change the locks so he can't go live there after you leave. If you rent, advise your landlord and tell your brother if he wants to continue to live there, here is landlords phone number and name, give him a call and maybe they can arrange something for him to keep living there but a rental agreement in his name, not continued under your name.

JillShari · September 2013

How sick is your mom and how much cares does she need? As time passes she could get VERY sick and need 24 hour care for even basic needs. Do you guys have a plan for when that happens?

As a family, a terminal diagnosis is devastating. It makes people very emotional.

Most people I know that have lost their mom say that they would give anything to just have one more hour or day with them. I can't imagine that you would truly feel different.

Putting drama aside... what would you do if your brother moved out?

Sillygirl45 · September 2013

I'm with pp. What is your mothers current prognosis? Things can move pretty quickly and I think you will regret it if you're not there.

In this situation, you need to put your mother first. As things get worse, she will feel more and more like a burden. I'm sure she already does. She doesn't have long left. To hear someone talking bad about one of her kids is probably more than she can take right now. You and your SO need to be the bigger people here and avoid drama, arguments, and cursing at all costs. Especially when your family is together.

If brother needs to move out, so be it. Try to keep the rest of the family out of it though. You can't control what he does or says, if he wants to spend his last days with his mother griping about you, that's his loss. This whole ugly scene could have been avoided. I would have dealt with him one on one after everyone left. Let go of your resentment toward your brother, at least for now. None of that matters right now. All that matters is enjoying what time your mom has left.

Good luck.

jessx88 · September 2013

jessx88 · September 2013

PnkBride · September 2013

This is taking the conversation in a different direction, but your moms illness may be causing the personality change. My best friend died 3 years ago from a brain tumor and her personality changed so very much the last few months that she lived. She was always happy and friendly. The last few months, she would lash out at people and was very bossy. Totally out of character for her before she got ill. I know you and your SO are very hurt at hurt right now, but please consider that your moms behavior may seriously be effected by her tumor. I am so sorry that you are going through this. HUGS!

jessx88 · September 2013

Sillygirl45 · September 2013

PnkBride said:

This is taking the conversation in a different direction, but your moms illness may be causing the personality change. My best friend died 3 years ago from a brain tumor and her personality changed so very much the last few months that she lived. She was always happy and friendly. The last few months, she would lash out at people and was very bossy. Totally out of character for her before she got ill. I know you and your SO are very hurt at hurt right now, but please consider that your moms behavior may seriously be effected by her tumor. I am so sorry that you are going through this. HUGS!

This is good information and completely correct. Talk to her doctors and read up on this. My friends mother died from this. The first signs were personality changes. Her daughter was getting married, and she didn't really seem to care as she normally would. She said odd things at the shower, just acting really strange. She finally went to the doctor because she just didn't feel right.

I really would stay put. You are going to want to enjoy every moment you have while your mother is well enough to interact with you.

Also, this is just the nurse in me giving advice, educate yourself about what the future holds. I don't know if you have any experience with death and dying, but it can be quite different than what people think. Contact a Hospice. Whether she signs on or not, they are a great resource. I have had many, many conversations with family explaining the process and most feel much better knowing what to expect. I know it is hard, especially since she seems to be "ok" now, but that can change so quickly. It's very hard to tell how much time someone has left. Everyone is so different, it depends on many factors.

As far as your brother and the rest of the family, they are having a terrible time too. Everyone deals differently. My friends brother told me the hospice nurses were stealing and all sorts of awful things. I spoke with my friend (I had only heard wonderful things about the Hospice they had in) and that wasn't true. He was just so angry, he was looking for anything and anyone to lash out at. Emotions are going to run high for everyone, and behaviors may not be rational. Tell your SO he's just going to have to chill out and support you at this time. He has plenty of time to resent and dislike your brother. Another few months of sucking it up isn't going to hurt. Things are not going to get better soon. He needs to understand that and be there for you. One day he will need the focus to be on him, and hopefully, you will still be with him and able to do that. Right now, it's about you and your family.

I am just so sorry for you.

Tofumonkey · September 2013

I would go. You can't live your life waiting for someone to die. You've already been there for her, you have spent a lot of time with her and you love her, she knows that. You need to look out for your family too - you and your husband.

At this point, I would go. With the understanding that you love your mother and you will support her in anything she needs, but the situation has become too emotional and volatile

Leftie22 · September 2013

Can you talk to your mom about it? Tell her that you want to do whatever's best for her and help in whatever way SHE would like? Also, considering her situation and the fact that your DH hurt her feelings (intentionally or not), would it help if he apologized to her? (To make his clear, apologize to her that he hurt her feeling, NOT apologize for standing up to your brother.) If they got along before, it might help if he let her know he feels bad that she was hurt by his words. (At this point, whether his words were justified or not doesn't really matter.) Then if it looks like there's no chance to repair the relationship between you, your DH and your mom, at least you'd know before you move? I'm sorry about your situation, it sounds sad and stressful for everyone involved. Take care of yourself too.

CandaceLafleur · September 2013

I would also keep in mind that your mom's personality changes might be due to what's going on in her brain, and try to take it less personally.

TarponMonoxide · September 2013

I wish the OP hadn't deleted. Maybe some of us would have offered more advice.:(

OP: See a social worker. I am guessing there is a terminal or chronic ill ness involved. Social workers can be priceless in aid.

Sillygirl45 · September 2013

Awe, what the heck?! Everyone was being nice and helpful. Why the DD?

Well OP, if you're still here, @Tofumonkey has a great point of view completely different from mine, but excellent advice.

It depends in your relationships and how you will feel in the long run. My dad is very ill and I'm at the point she reflects. I've given all I can and while I love him, I will no longer jump when asked. If it were my mom or sister, I would do whatever is necessary to spend every last second I could with them.

I guess my point is, you need to do what you can live with and what will make you feel right in the long run. I'm sure there are a lot of variables we don't know about.

Again, I wish you the best. Good luck.

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