Family Matters
SmithMcFarlane
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sibling trouble
To make a long story short, my SIL has always had issues with me, and I honestly don't know why. The only thing she has ever said that she has had problems with is the fact that my husband and I lived together before we got married. Her and my younger brother are VERY religious. They almost didn't invite us to their wedding, and all of our family was in the wedding but us. I personally was hurt at the time, but thinking back on it I wouldn't have wanted to be her bridesmaid anyway. We tried to get things more friendly when we had all of our family, including her stand up in our wedding, (which was actually difficult because our wedding was planned before their shotgun wedding). Nothing has worked to break down walls.
So fast forward a little, my husband lost his job, and we have been living on one income which has caused our budget to be very tight. SIL got pregnant and when we asked about throwing a shower for her, she said she didn't want one. Then I ended up being invited to a shower and I was given 2 days to prepare, and I couldn't afford it (she lives out of town) so I didn't go, and I couldn't afford to buy a gift in that amount of time, so I didn't get one for them. This upset her...a LOT. BTW, my older brothers wife got an invite a whole month before I did.
She has since had the baby and had another shower that my sister was invited to, but I wasn't. I had tried to set up a time to go see the new baby and they never get back to me, I don't even have their address, so I can't send them anything. Recently my husband did get a job and when I posted it on FB, SIL said "good, now maybe you can afford to come visit your nephew"-I didn't, and still don't know how to take this, but I'm just letting it go...
Now to my current issue, I was talking to my older brother the other day about a charity event that is coming up in 2 weeks. My older brother said he can't go because that is younger brother and SIL's baby's baptism. He was surprised to hear that I didn't know about it and told me he got an invite in the mail 3 weeks ago. I told my older brother to just let it go, but he didn't. He went to my SIL and told her that I hadn't gotten invited. Yesterday I got a message on FB from her saying "Sorry I forgot to send you an invite, but ____'s Baptism is on ____" and I have yet to respond, because I feel like it is an after-thought. I don't know what to do. I have always tried to be the bigger person and not stir the pot. If I have been able to, I've always gone to their things even though I have usually been invited weeks after everyone else is. My question is, should I even go? I honestly feel like they don't want me in their lives. They don't return phone calls, texts, emails, FB messages ect. I'm honestly to the point that I just don't want to deal with them anymore and I just want to be friendly with them when I have to be around them, but not go out of my way to be with them. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think I should go or not? My husband is totally against me going, and my mom doesn't think I should go either. I just don't know what to do. Thoughts?
So fast forward a little, my husband lost his job, and we have been living on one income which has caused our budget to be very tight. SIL got pregnant and when we asked about throwing a shower for her, she said she didn't want one. Then I ended up being invited to a shower and I was given 2 days to prepare, and I couldn't afford it (she lives out of town) so I didn't go, and I couldn't afford to buy a gift in that amount of time, so I didn't get one for them. This upset her...a LOT. BTW, my older brothers wife got an invite a whole month before I did.
She has since had the baby and had another shower that my sister was invited to, but I wasn't. I had tried to set up a time to go see the new baby and they never get back to me, I don't even have their address, so I can't send them anything. Recently my husband did get a job and when I posted it on FB, SIL said "good, now maybe you can afford to come visit your nephew"-I didn't, and still don't know how to take this, but I'm just letting it go...
Now to my current issue, I was talking to my older brother the other day about a charity event that is coming up in 2 weeks. My older brother said he can't go because that is younger brother and SIL's baby's baptism. He was surprised to hear that I didn't know about it and told me he got an invite in the mail 3 weeks ago. I told my older brother to just let it go, but he didn't. He went to my SIL and told her that I hadn't gotten invited. Yesterday I got a message on FB from her saying "Sorry I forgot to send you an invite, but ____'s Baptism is on ____" and I have yet to respond, because I feel like it is an after-thought. I don't know what to do. I have always tried to be the bigger person and not stir the pot. If I have been able to, I've always gone to their things even though I have usually been invited weeks after everyone else is. My question is, should I even go? I honestly feel like they don't want me in their lives. They don't return phone calls, texts, emails, FB messages ect. I'm honestly to the point that I just don't want to deal with them anymore and I just want to be friendly with them when I have to be around them, but not go out of my way to be with them. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think I should go or not? My husband is totally against me going, and my mom doesn't think I should go either. I just don't know what to do. Thoughts?
Re: Sibling trouble
You don't have to play this game w/ her. You don't have to bend over backwards to 'be there' for them when they CLEARLY really don't want you there. If they did - they wouldn't pull this crap. Even w/ her PA FB posts about "when are you coming?", don't let it guilt you. She knows exactly what she's doing.
Save your energy and your time for your other brothers- the ones that you know will be there for you. Be there for them. Don't spend your time and energy on people who simply don't want it nor respect it.
And I am SURE she'll up the anty - "You hardly know your nephew!!!". Don't fall for it. Even if you did succumb to her games, if you actually did try to be more involved, to see your nephew more- she'd pull $hit w/ that too. You would NOT have easy access to him. trust me on this. She's playing games and she'll try to turn up the guilt.
As long as she is like this, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you try to be there - you will only ever have a distant relationship w/ your nephew.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's not "stirring the pot" to ignore her petty FB posts bent on guilting you.
It's not "stirring the pot" to say things like "Yes, it's too bad we weren't able to come", "Oh, yes, we wish we could see nephew more often" if/when she makes comments in your presence about "I can't believe you didn't come to ___", "You haven't seen baby in __ weeks", etc (some of this stuff I'd expect you will hear eventually).
Just smile, "agree" with her, and move on. Don't try to explain, argue, justify. That will only fuel her fire.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
He got one a month prior and you got 2 days' notice? then this was an afterthought. And that's worse than pointedly not being invited.
She also sounds nuts; too bad there isn't a third party who can talk sense into her. Sorry for your troubles. The exclusion thing has to stop.
I wouldn't go. It's pretty apparent they don't want you there anyway, right?
But I have to say, you spend a lot of time blaming her in this mess but make no mention of your actual brother's responsibility. Have you tried reaching out to him directly to find out what's up?
If your brother calls and tries to blame you or call you out, then you tell him this whole thing is his fault. Because, it really is. He is allowing his wife to do all of this. Stop keeping the peace because trust me, she is just getting started.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I've gotten to a place in my life where I see things differently. Yes, you're supposed to be there for your family no matter what...and I'd like to be there for my family. But if a member of my family is not giving me a return on my emotional investment in them, I don't bother anymore. They don't want to call me? They don't want to email me? They don't want to send me the latest pictures of their kids? Fine with me. But that also means I'm not going to go out of my way to be there for them or make the effort.
In your situation, I would reply to her message and say, "We would have loved to attend, but unfortunately, due to the short notice, we already have plans. In the future, if you cannot invite us at the same time as the rest of the family, please know that we will interpret that to mean you do not want us there. And we will not attend an event we are not wanted at."
I think that reply calls her out in a way that's not nastily confrontational.