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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Help! What to do about father-in-law living with us? I'm expecting a baby.
Let me preface by stating that we have a very complicated situation, there are lots of details to consider from both mine and my fiances perspective. However, I think I have reached a breaking point.
My soon-to-be-husband is 28 and has his own house, and allowed his father to move in with him before he and I became a couple. He agreed to let his father move in because his doesn't take care of himself (he can, he just chooses not to) and his father agreed to pay $500/mo rent. His father started claiming disability in his 50's so that he wouldn't have to work (he is very lazy) and he pretends to have mental problems so that he can get a disability check. He is extremely rude, demanding and mean. He constantly makes fun of people, calls them crazy and doesn't clean up after himself. The good part is that, for the most part, he stays in the basement, where he has a nice bedroom and some appliances.
I have lived with my fiance for a year now, and we are about to get married. I am expecting a baby in 3 months. I brought my dog with me when I moved in, and recently I learned that my fiance's dad has been feeding him 6 cups of food, 8 treats and 1/2 steak a day- he is not allowed to give my dog anything!! I feed my dog, walk him and take care of him. I asked my father-in-law not to teach the dog how to use the basement stairs, because there is too much for the dog to get into in the basement and my father-in-law can't be trusted; he resents me and is spiteful. However, he waited until I was out of town for 3 days and purposely taught the dog to use the stairs and bragged about it when we got home.
He is mentally unstable, and my fiance doesn't want to kick him out. He is only 61, and CAN function so a nursing home isn't really an option- he would literally walk out of there and live on the street instead. Also, my fiance is preparing to assume ALL of my student loan debt so that I can be a stay-at-home mom, so we need the $500/mo that he is paying us as a "tenant" (although he is acting like a guest).
What do I do?? My fiance knows that the situation with his father is awful, but it IS his dad and he doesn't want him to live alone (he is filthy and unhealthy). But he doesn't want me as his new bride to have to care for his father, who acts horrible to me. I really worry about raising the baby in the house with him, he constantly swears, is rude and says extremely nasty things about his sex life from 20 years ago, etc.
Because of my debt, I feel like I am not in a position to put my foot down and say that "he has to go!" even though I fantasize about it every day. We could *possibly* have my sister move in to the basement apartment, which would be great because I would have an extra set of hands when the baby comes, but I'm not sure if my fiance will go for it. My sister is 21 and he is worried that she won't respect the house rules or act like a tenant.
Any advice greatly appreciated!
My soon-to-be-husband is 28 and has his own house, and allowed his father to move in with him before he and I became a couple. He agreed to let his father move in because his doesn't take care of himself (he can, he just chooses not to) and his father agreed to pay $500/mo rent. His father started claiming disability in his 50's so that he wouldn't have to work (he is very lazy) and he pretends to have mental problems so that he can get a disability check. He is extremely rude, demanding and mean. He constantly makes fun of people, calls them crazy and doesn't clean up after himself. The good part is that, for the most part, he stays in the basement, where he has a nice bedroom and some appliances.
I have lived with my fiance for a year now, and we are about to get married. I am expecting a baby in 3 months. I brought my dog with me when I moved in, and recently I learned that my fiance's dad has been feeding him 6 cups of food, 8 treats and 1/2 steak a day- he is not allowed to give my dog anything!! I feed my dog, walk him and take care of him. I asked my father-in-law not to teach the dog how to use the basement stairs, because there is too much for the dog to get into in the basement and my father-in-law can't be trusted; he resents me and is spiteful. However, he waited until I was out of town for 3 days and purposely taught the dog to use the stairs and bragged about it when we got home.
He is mentally unstable, and my fiance doesn't want to kick him out. He is only 61, and CAN function so a nursing home isn't really an option- he would literally walk out of there and live on the street instead. Also, my fiance is preparing to assume ALL of my student loan debt so that I can be a stay-at-home mom, so we need the $500/mo that he is paying us as a "tenant" (although he is acting like a guest).
What do I do?? My fiance knows that the situation with his father is awful, but it IS his dad and he doesn't want him to live alone (he is filthy and unhealthy). But he doesn't want me as his new bride to have to care for his father, who acts horrible to me. I really worry about raising the baby in the house with him, he constantly swears, is rude and says extremely nasty things about his sex life from 20 years ago, etc.
Because of my debt, I feel like I am not in a position to put my foot down and say that "he has to go!" even though I fantasize about it every day. We could *possibly* have my sister move in to the basement apartment, which would be great because I would have an extra set of hands when the baby comes, but I'm not sure if my fiance will go for it. My sister is 21 and he is worried that she won't respect the house rules or act like a tenant.
Any advice greatly appreciated!
Re: Help! What to do about father-in-law living with us? I'm expecting a baby.
Can I ask what your fiance says about how his father treats you? If he is not standing up for you, you have an even bigger problem than your future FIL. I hate to put it to you like that, especially considering you are about to have a baby, but your fiance absolutely must stand up for you and based on your post, it doesn't sound like he is doing that. And I'm sure other ladies on this board are going to say the exact same thing.
This is already a great big mess.
If his father is self sufficient and he can take care of himself, he has no business living with your H. And your H had no business giving the okay to his dad to move in.
and his father agreed to pay $500/mo rent. His father started claiming disability in his 50's so that he wouldn't have to work (he is very lazy) and he pretends to have mental problems so that he can get a disability check.
Go hollar COP on his father as LOUDLY as you can:
Report this mess to Social Security IMMEDIATELY!
This is fraud and that your FI very kindly looks the other way on this is NOT saying much about his honesty or his character. Gee, where did you FIND this prize of a husband-to-be that you've got???
This is fraud: YOU need to report it stat.
And I would RETHINK your FI if I were you. Again, this says worlds about your FI's character and honesty!
He is extremely rude, demanding and mean. He constantly makes fun of people, calls them crazy and doesn't clean up after himself. The good part is that, for the most part, he stays in the basement, where he has a nice bedroom and some appliances.
I have lived with my fiance for a year now, and we are about to get married. I am expecting a baby in 3 months. I brought my dog with me when I moved in, and recently I learned that my fiance's dad has been feeding him 6 cups of food, 8 treats and 1/2 steak a day- he is not allowed to give my dog anything!! I feed my dog, walk him and take care of him. I asked my father-in-law not to teach the dog how to use the basement stairs, because there is too much for the dog to get into in the basement and my father-in-law can't be trusted; he resents me and is spiteful. However, he waited until I was out of town for 3 days and purposely taught the dog to use the stairs and bragged about it when we got home.
If you've got problems with a dog's feeding, you're in for a great big picnic once the ball gets rolling...IF you marry this jerk you've got there.
I don't see this boding well for your future.
He is mentally unstable, and my fiance doesn't want to kick him out. He is only 61, and CAN function so a nursing home isn't really an option- he would literally walk out of there and live on the street instead. Also, my fiance is preparing to assume ALL of my student loan debt so that I can be a stay-at-home mom, so we need the $500/mo that he is paying us as a "tenant" (although he is acting like a guest).
What do I do??
Drop your FI like a hot potato and move on. Cut your losses and go.
My fiance knows that the situation with his father is awful, but it IS his dad and he doesn't want him to live alone (he is filthy and unhealthy). But he doesn't want me as his new bride to have to care for his father, who acts horrible to me.
Uh huh and your FI doesn't tell his father to go take a flying leap, once the rudeness toward you began.
He cannot be a team with you. He's not marriage material.
Honey, rethink this guy: he isn't man enough to stand up for you then he's not man enough to be a husband...and he also failed the very first lesson in being a couple:
He is to be a team WITH YOU and put YOU FIRST.
Not his dad or anyone else: YOU.
I really worry about raising the baby in the house with him, he constantly swears, is rude and says extremely nasty things about his sex life from 20 years ago, etc.
Because of my debt, I feel like I am not in a position to put my foot down and say that "he has to go!" even though I fantasize about it every day.
You have EVERY RIGHT to say "he must go!" Every right to do so!
Whether you have debt or not, the dad has no business living there.
First you said he is fine but then you say he is mentally unstable; which is it?
We could *possibly* have my sister move in to the basement apartment, which would be great because I would have an extra set of hands when the baby comes, but I'm not sure if my fiance will go for it.
Uh uh...do NOT bring more bodies into this picture. FAIL on a colossal level.
And yoru SIS is not your indentured servant: bad idea to use her as the babysitter.,
My sister is 21 and he is worried that she won't respect the house rules or act like a tenant.
This is a right jolly good laugh: his father treats you horribly and he's just plain bad himself and your H is on you about your sis??? haha --- how FUNNY is that!
Any advice greatly appreciated!
My advice is for you to rethink this jerk. He's not fit to be a husband:
He doesn't stand up for you, he doesn't stand up to his father and when YOU moved in his dad needed to MOVE OUT!
And his father is already coming between you. Bad news indeed.
Want $500 extra?
Get rid of the dad and bring in a bona fide TENANT --- one who is not related to either one of you, and who is not a friend or cohort of either one of you.
Get rid of this guy. This is already a failure: he cannot stand up for you.
The dad needs to be a gent and pack up and move out, sans a word or a complaint.
This is not your call: this is your FIL to be's call.
YOU should not be burdened with finding a solution to this mess. The focus should be on you and your FI and your upcoming life, not on his dad and how his dad needs to find a new place to live.
I am serious about telling Social Security about yoru FIL to be's case of fraud. How in hell did he "pretend"??? Quite possibly an unscrupulous doc is in on the action --- oye what a mess. The dad needs to be reported to SSA!
No offense but how in heck did you manage to get yourself pregnant knowing full well that you already had a mess on your hands with his father and the fact that your FI isn't man enough to stand up to his dad or stand together with you????
I am serious about moving on. This upcoming marriage is already shot to hell. You've got his father coming first, coming in between you and ranking in every other position ---and you are last place.
Consider also that your FI doesn't seem to care that his father is collecting federal funds illegally and without any need for them -- this is fraud and theft -- there are plenty of people out there who are in need of that money and he's cashing in on a problem he hasn't got???
UGH.
Your husband will have to decide. Would he rather you be happy or his dad be happy. There is nothing wrong with asking him to choose especially since that is what he will promise to do on your wedding day.
His promise is for naught. He's already forsaken the OP and has done so colossally.
If this guy hasn't put the OP first now, he never will.
I don't mind that question at all. My fiance defends me to his father and constantly tells his father that there is no more "negative" talk or attitude allowed in the house.
That "defense" of you has led nowhere. It still goes on. The operative word here is "cosntantly" so that means his father is still at it.
How much more of this shit are you going to take???
My future FIL doesn't hate ME, he is just a very negative person in general. He only has bad things to say. My fiance apologizes that I have to deal with his dad, but won't go the final step of honestly considering some other place for him to live.
An apology?
What a great guy your Fi is.
"Won't go the final step"??
Then I for one would pack up my stuff and step right out the door and not return. His father is FIRST, not YOU!
I think that idea stinks on ice, just like him!!!
How in hell does he know if you will be physically able to do so???
And your H should NOT be nickel and diming you: you are going to be HIS WIFE -- and he expects you to more or less go to work to earn money???? I don't like the sound of that and I don't like anything much about his "suggestion." Say NO to this. And say no to him!
You knew what you had and you still bet on changing it. Guess what? You lost. Give me a break.
If FI didn't support me in that, I'd move out and call off the wedding.
Your FFIL lived with his son before you even started dating his son. Now you've moved into THEIR home, and are kicking FFIL out. You're not paying for the home. In fact, you are bringing in a cart load of debt.
He feeds your dog while you are out of the home - he's not feeding it poison, he's feeding it steak. I'm sure that you can work it out in some friendly, reasonable way. And how do you teach a dog to use stairs?
Can you make the basement into a proper suite to give each "family" their dedicated space? Keep the dog away from him in a " I don't want to burden you with our dog" type of way?
His rent payment should really be between him and his son - this should be arranged and formalized before you are married, I would think.
Your sister moving in is an even worse idea - you would be telling your husband that his father is not good enough to stay with you but your sister is. You both have your concerns, both very valid. But in my mind, you CHOSE to move into this situation. You could be the bridezilla that does the whole "get out of my house" thing once that ring is on your finger, but I wouldn't suggest it. You made your bed already with this, now you need to figure out how to make it work.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
On the plus side with your dog, once you are a stay at home mom, you will see the dog more and have more control over where he is and eats. If you have to, install a gate at the top of the stairs (it's not to keep the dog from the basement but because it won't be long before the baby is crawling and it's to make sure the baby doesn't fall down the stairs).
In regards to his behavior and laguarge, maybe hubby could start with simple comments like, dad once the baby is born, you're going to need to watch your language, we don't want the baby to pick those words up or thier first word to xxxx. He also needs to speak up about dad talking about sex life "Dad, I know we're all adults here, but your still my dad and it grosses me out to hear about your sex life"
Is there anyway you might be able to get his dad to go to Senior Center 1-2 days a week? Maybe if you can find something that gets him out of the house, he'll make some new friends and his attude will change (long shot I know, but why not try). Maybe he has some depression that is affection his actions? I'm not saying that makes it ok. The big thing is FI needs to set up bounderies for dad (and his dog) now and decide what consequences will be for breaking those boundries and FI has to be willing to stick to them.
Basically, FFIL is part of the package deal of you FI. You two need to come to agreements ASAP in regards to how you are going to handle his dad, what are the limits, what are the consequences , and income issues all before saying I do. These are major issues that could break a marriage.
Think about that.
It's one thing for your FI to be putting his Dad before you. That's shitty enough. But he's willing to allow his own child to grow up in that environment? And he's delusional if he thinks you will be able to run a successful in-home care center. I mean, REALLY?
I have to say though, @Tofumonkey makes a great point. You started this relationship, furthered the relationship by moving in and eventually accepting a marriage proposal, then really sealed the deal by starting a family. The situation with your FI and his Dad was there all along. At what point did you think it would all suddenly change? You have to admit it was really foolish on your part to continue this relationship assuming it would all work out to your liking in the end.
His dad can go live in the Y or go find a room in a rooming house or get a studio apartment.
I agree: say goodbye to this jerk you think you have a life with and get out.
Go to an attorney and get child support and visitation arranged. Or you can relinquish the child for adoption or go the other alternative route; I do not know how far you are along.
Do what is right for yourself and for a baby.
I guarantee you that if you stay with him and you marry him, your problem with the dad and your spinless wimp of an H will be infinitely worse. The problem won't end when you get married, because you think "he'll stand by me; it's a no brainer and we will be a family together and his father will be out of here." NOPE.
What you see is what you get and this is a preview of your life together with these 2!
Do what's right. MOVE ON: Get rid of him. He's immature and spineless and not a good bet for marriage.
Yeah.....
It doesn't really matter what anyone here says though, does it? You're going to continue on with your head in the sand the way you have for the last year. You're going to continue living in this mess, you're going to go ahead and marry the boy who lets his mentally unstable father disrespect his fiance, you're going to bring a baby into that dysfunctional household and $10 says you're pregnant again within a year.
But FWIW - my advice would be to leave already. Get the hell out of that house. You and your sister can be roommates in a nice 2 bedroom apartment somewhere. If someday this guy gets his homelife together, he can have visitation rights and maybe you can resume your relationship at that time. But until then, let him and his father be and run as far as you can in the opposite direction of them.