Family Matters
Martha&Jake
member
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Husband's Aunt (Very Long)
H and I just got married and have been together for 2 years. Right away I was excepted into his family. They are the most caring and open hearted people that I have ever met. This includes his aunt, that is until about a month ago.
His 17 year old cousin just gave birth to her second child. the first child is being adopted by my H's brother and his wife. They couldn't however adopt the second baby. My H and I have decided that we will adopt the baby. I know we haven't been married long but we have been raising my sister's kids for just about as long as we have been together. So it won't be much of a change. (no, neither of us have any kids of our own). Well, because the first baby was taken by CPS, the second one was as well. We will be getting her in our care as soon as everything clears and we have a home inspection.
Since the babies birth, something has changed in his aunt. She is treating me like crap. Always has something to say about the way I do things. She got mad because I didn't bring my attorney to the hospital when CPS took the baby. I told her 3 or 4 times that my attorney couldn't stop CPS or do anything that would change the outcome of them taking the baby. She still wouldn't stop bringing it up every chance she could get. I finally had to yell at her.
Recently H & I went out of town and she babysat for us. When we got back we found out that H's cousin (who is into drugs) has... ewww... scabies... So we of course took the kids right away to the doctors and yep they have them... I have been cleaning like crazy and it still seems like its not enough! I had to put medicated lotion on the kids and it burned and they cried, then I cried because it hurt them! Ugh. When my MIL told H's aunt she wasnt allowed at the house because of the scabies she got pissed. Said that she and the cousin got them from our house and that I was the one that picked them up somewhere! WTF! Then She proceeded to tell my MIL that scabies are no big deal, her and the cousin have had them 3 times before! REALLY?!?!!!! UGH I am so done with this woman and her antics.
His 17 year old cousin just gave birth to her second child. the first child is being adopted by my H's brother and his wife. They couldn't however adopt the second baby. My H and I have decided that we will adopt the baby. I know we haven't been married long but we have been raising my sister's kids for just about as long as we have been together. So it won't be much of a change. (no, neither of us have any kids of our own). Well, because the first baby was taken by CPS, the second one was as well. We will be getting her in our care as soon as everything clears and we have a home inspection.
Since the babies birth, something has changed in his aunt. She is treating me like crap. Always has something to say about the way I do things. She got mad because I didn't bring my attorney to the hospital when CPS took the baby. I told her 3 or 4 times that my attorney couldn't stop CPS or do anything that would change the outcome of them taking the baby. She still wouldn't stop bringing it up every chance she could get. I finally had to yell at her.
Recently H & I went out of town and she babysat for us. When we got back we found out that H's cousin (who is into drugs) has... ewww... scabies... So we of course took the kids right away to the doctors and yep they have them... I have been cleaning like crazy and it still seems like its not enough! I had to put medicated lotion on the kids and it burned and they cried, then I cried because it hurt them! Ugh. When my MIL told H's aunt she wasnt allowed at the house because of the scabies she got pissed. Said that she and the cousin got them from our house and that I was the one that picked them up somewhere! WTF! Then She proceeded to tell my MIL that scabies are no big deal, her and the cousin have had them 3 times before! REALLY?!?!!!! UGH I am so done with this woman and her antics.
Re: Husband's Aunt (Very Long)
2 kids out of wedlock? Really? Wonder who will adopt the third one???
Nope. DON'T adopt the baby! The 2 of you just got married and *by fact of that* your marriage is on shaky ground because you just got married. You need to adjust to being married and by yourselves, not with a kiddo in tow.
This is also too close for comfort given this is the baby of a close relative. ALSO why it is not a good idea.
And why it is the worst idea, ever: because of the interference with the grandmother -- and what about this 17 year old who can't seem to get it she needs to practice restraint? Will she still be *in contact* with the child??
If she had a child removed by CPS she is bad news. No way she's changed her ways.
IF you want to do it, I suggest you get intensive counseling before you do. A counselor will probably advise against it.
Why this is not a good idea, also:
I know we haven't been married long but we have been raising my sister's kids for just about as long as we have been together. So it won't be much of a change.
I am guessing that the aunt is the grandmother of all of these unwanted babies. She needs a good lecture for not making sure her daughter adequately knew the facts of life before she was of puberty age.
This is a great big mess, all of it...and this family he's got? Don't ask me what I think of that.
You're going to have your hands full with this bunch. Where did you find them, anyway? You need them like you need a broken arm.
Very doubtful that this is an open adoption, considering the birth mother's history. If a child is removed by CPS, it's neglect or drugs or abuse or something horrific. She is probably not permitted to have contact with the child -- being you and he are going to adopt that baby, how do you plan on enforcing that edict?
This is quite the can of worms you and he are going to open. What a funky bunch in general; it would be best if you moved far away and excluded every last one of them from your lives.
I see you are wondering what I am! Also, can't the scabies be used against the OP even getting the baby? This Aunt sounds like a complete train wreck who I wouldn't let watch my child. The social worker isn't going to like her involvement of your currant children much less this baby.
The rest of my H family are very supportive of us in everything my H and I do. They even treat my niece and nephew like family. The kids call my H's parents grandma & grandpa.
The baby will grow up knowing the truth and she will know that the first baby is her sister. We know this adoption is the right thing for us and the baby and no amount of crap from his aunt is going to change my mind about the adoption. I couldn't let this baby leave the family. She already has our last name and we picked out her first name. I was there for her birth and was the first to hold her.
If the court says the aunt and cousin cant see the baby before the adoption and while in our care, we wont allow it. H and I already discussed that.
I'm going to warn you:
This isn't going to work. Good luck. You and your H seem to have huge hearts and have love to give. I just don't see this working with them. Always remember: you are responsible for that child and what you says go. If they don't follow that, they are OUT of your lives.
This isn't going to work. Good luck. You and your H seem to have huge hearts and have love to give. I just don't see this working with them. Always remember: you are responsible for that child and what you says go. If they don't follow that, they are OUT of your lives
There are simply too many hands in the soup, plus too much outside interference AND the 2 of you just got married.
No, it won't work.
And before you legally commit to doing this:
Consider what happens if the adoption doesn't pan out? What if something happens, either with you and he and all this interference plus the whacky crazy family situation?
What if you and he split up?
Let the child be adopted by a parent or parents who can give this child a fantastic, stable home -- with none of this craziness like there is with your family situations. It's best for the child and all involved.
I think the reason people are trying to talk you out of adopting this baby is BECAUSE the aunt and cousin are so crazy that they are VERY unlikely to respect boundaries and your authority as legal guardians for this baby.
Add to that the fact that you're ALREADY raising your sister's kids AND are newly married, it seems likely that this adoption will lead to an exorbitant amount of stress on you and your relationship.
I kind of agree that adopting this baby may not be the best thing for you, or for your relationship's longterm well-being.
The kids in that family are not healthy and happy and forget the family itself. Your/his aunt is a nutcase, the birth mother can't seem to learn her lesson regarding restraint and birth control and CPS has been in on the whole affair. The entire situation with the family surrounding the baby is volatile as it gets.
Please consider what I said about letting a person -- whether it's a single person or a married/dedicated couple --- who can provide the best of everything adopt that baby.
Add to that the fact that you're ALREADY raising your sister's kids AND are newly married, it seems likely that this adoption will lead to an exorbitant amount of stress on you and your relationship.
Why are you everybody's babysitters??? Why are you and your H party to being the family playground for every kid they've got?
I vote that you and your H forget the idea of adopting your niece and move far far away and write this entire divisive and dysfunctional bunch off for good. Lose contact with them and let it stay that way.
Youth is against you. You and your H haven't got the mettle or the guts to stand up to this crazy bunch and stand your ground on what's right. You should have told the aunt to stfu when she started this mess and he should have beein in your corner backing you up on that one all the same --- how in heck are you going to handle all the family interference if you adopt this child? My guess is you won't. This is a can of worms you sholuldn't even touch.
And what is the 17 year old going to do? No doubt crank out another kid? What happens then? who gets to adopt that one???
Say no to adopting that child. The circumstances and time is all wrong and so is the bunch that's involved in the family.
Something else important to consider:
The mother is 17 and irresponsible.
How do you know what she wasn't into -- drugs or alcohol or some other substance? Very doubtful there was even regular prenatal care -- suppose the child is disadvantaged or develops a problem along the line? Are you and your H going to be able to handle that?
Resources are not always at the ready or easy to obtain. Programs and funds may be restricted or tight in your school district; do you and your H have adequate enough medical coverage for the baby, also -- and more than adequate funds if there is a big problem with this child's health or development later on, due to something that happened prenatally?
It isn't just money: it's also tenacious to cope with emotionally. Are you and he prepared for that?
Whatever social worker it is must be getting ready to tear his or her hair out --- and if anything, no adouption should be okayed until the courts have a very lengthy period of discussion.
I am also surprised the courts didn't order the op and her H to undergo some type of family counseling -- to see if they were fit enough parents to adopt the kiddo.
Maybe this whole issue is already falling through the cracks. We don't even know the whereabouts of the birth mother; if anything, I am guessing the courts will ensure that she has NO CONTACT with the child --- this is the purpose of a CPS confiscation of a child.
We don't even know if the birth mother will be out of the picture completely.
I don't know why I am being put on the block here. There is nothing wrong with my home or my marriage. as soon as I found out about what was going on I took all the proper steps that I needed to in-order to fix the problem.
As far as the adoption goes, the Child is going to grow up healthy and happy. she will grow up knowing that she has parents that love her very much. she will get the education that she needs and deserves. she will never go without the things she needs. If this means I need to cut my H's cousin and aunt out of the picture, than that's what we will do. My H and I already talked about it. My family all live 2 1/2 hours away and if we need to we will sell our house and get one by my family.
None of you people ever had a bad seed in your family? Your telling me that you all would let your family members be adopted out just because of 2 bad seeds? Like I said before, the rest of the family is very well grounded and stable.
I do see your concern but you don't know the whole story nor do you know how responsible my husband and I are.
This will be my last post because I don't want to be told anymore about how I am a bad parent; when none of you know how well I'm raising my sisters kids (who I love as if they were my own and that's why I have no problem "being their daycare").
They're just saying that there are couples or singles out there who have struggled for years and years and are devastated that they can't have their own children. You seem to be taking this baby out of obligation because you don't want her to leave the family. Why not concentrate on your marriage and the children you're already raising and let this baby make a clean break from the insane family and have a new life in a family free of this drama?
I do think, though, that if you adopt this child there will be some unnecessary hardship down the road. How are you going to explain it to them when they get older that their mother didn't want/couldn't care for them and their grandmother didn't want / couldn't care for them - and then still see them on holidays and for family functions? For a child to grow up knowing that their own mother didn't want them and then to see them so often would be like rubbing salt in an open wound. It doesn't matter how wonderful of a mother you are to them - kids often put their birth mother on a pedestal ( I certainly did) an you are now the bad guy.
The mother and your husband's aunt are very toxic, unstable people. Would the child not be ultimately better off growing up away from these people, also with a loving family, and introduced back to these toxic people if the child wants and if the child is ready?
There is a lot to consider. Just because you can and would provide an ideal home for this child doesn't meant that the family dynamic that this involves would be ideal. For you, or for the baby. Or for the mother. Or the aunt. Or for your other kids. Or for the child's other siblings.
I think that before you make this decision you should talk to some social workers, adoption agencies or ideally other people that are in your situation - adopting a child within the family - with toxic family members involved, and see how that went for them as the kid got older.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I do think, though, that if you adopt this child there will be some unnecessary hardship down the road. How are you going to explain it to them when they get older that their mother didn't want/couldn't care for them and their grandmother didn't want / couldn't care for them - and then still see them on holidays and for family functions? For a child to grow up knowing that their own mother didn't want them and then to see them so often would be like rubbing salt in an open wound. It doesn't matter how wonderful of a mother you are to them - kids often put their birth mother on a pedestal ( I certainly did) an you are now the bad guy.
The mother and your husband's aunt are very toxic, unstable people. Would the child not be ultimately better off growing up away from these people, also with a loving family, and introduced back to these toxic people if the child wants and if the child is ready?
There is a lot to consider. Just because you can and would provide an ideal home for this child doesn't meant that the family dynamic that this involves would be ideal. For you, or for the baby. Or for the mother. Or the aunt. Or for your other kids. Or for the child's other siblings.
I think that before you make this decision you should talk to some social workers, adoption agencies or ideally other people that are in your situation - adopting a child within the family - with toxic family members involved, and see how that went for them as the kid got older.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
If you adopt this child, she'll also grow up under a lot of strain and stress. You have no idea how much more the dynamic will worsen. My guess is that they will get worse over time -- and I don't doubt that the 17 year old will crank out a 3rd unwanted baby, and perhaps more.
OP, I hope you're still reading these because I get where you're coming from. I seem to have the opposite opinion of others posters. I completely understand why you would want to adopt this baby and not let it go to strangers. I think it's really loving and brave, especially considering the crazy relatives involved. Every family has bad seeds, and there's no guarantee where this child would end up or what crazy people might be involved if s/he is with strangers. If you adopt her, you know she's in a loving home, you're prepared for the crazy and you'll do your best to minimize it. You can take legal action if needed. And s/he will get to know the sibling. I think that's really important and great. And yes, I have bat-shit crazy family members and in-laws. I chose to marry my DH knowing it meant a lifetime of dealing with his crappy family. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Good luck, OP.