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NMMR: But, I need advice
This isn't Money related and I haven't posted here in years, but I used to be a regular poster and I always valued the advice I received. Not to mention that I'm 40 years old and I feel ridiculous in even needing to ask for advice on my parents divorce -- I just don't know what to do. So , here's the situation... My parents have been divorced for over 20 years and it was a bitter divorce. My mother is still not over it and says she is still having nightmares over what my Dad "did to her." She just emailed me saying that she thinks if she tells me "what he did" then her nightmares will stop.
She's been to countless counselors who told her not to tell me (and my sister) and we've told her a million times we don't want to be involved, but she says "now you are all grown, I can not hold it in anymore."
I was in high school when the divorce finally went through and have my guesses about what happened. She suspected him of affairs their entire 17 year marriage -- he's never admitted to me, but I'm 99.9% sure there had to be at least one. There used to be fights all the time and often things were thrown or broken. Both had a temper (and my bedroom had no door so I could hear it all), so not sure exactly who was doing the breaking/throwing any given time - there was a Christmas when I was 7 or 8 that was particularly bad and I worried that Santa would see the broken glass of our dining room chandalier and not leave any presents. So, when I was 16 my dad told me that he knew it was time to leave because he "wanted to throw a vacuum at her" -- but he stopped himself and left (my sister and I were there for that fight too). Given his temper at the time, I wouldn't be surprised if he hit her, but I never saw bruises and she never went to the ER/hospital as far as I know. I know my dad sucked as a husband back then ( I also know my mother was no picnic), and I was angry at him back then (at the time only for the cheating, because I believed him when he told me he never hit her) and over time I've come to terms with it all and now we have a fantastic relationship. My relationship with my mother is strained, at best.
I told my mom that I don't want to know whatever it is that he did 20+ years ago. She says, "My children, of all people should want to comfort me". Believe me, my sister and I have been comforting her for 25 years and it will never stop -- but I feel we don't need to know the specfics of "what he did". When I told her that she said, "If you and your sister do not want to have any relationship with me - just let me know. I will NOT understand, but I will always love you all."
So, what would you do? Would you let her tell you? My fear is that it will be something horrible, but I can't imagine what that horrible thing could be. If it's that he really did hit her or threathened to kill her or spousal rape, I've already come to terms with that possibiltiy in my mind years ago, but I'm afraid of how I'll feel if hear that it really happened and how detailed she'll be in telling me.
For an added complication, I live in Asia and she's in the US, so nearly all of our correspondence is over email, including everything that I've described here as we've "said". I honestly can't talk to her on the phone anymore because she always hangs up on me when I ask the tough questions, like "why would you want to cause me more pain by telling me this horrible thing that Dad did to you 25 or more years ago"?
Ugh, I know this post is long-winded and I appreciate any opinion or advice that the MM ladies are willing to provide -- even if you say I am a heartless and selfish bitch. I've been dealing with it all for too long to figure out what is a reasonable and appropriate response. Thank you so much.
Re: NMMR: But, I need advice
I would tell her to go back to her counselor. She is stuck in the past.
Repeat as needed -"not want to know". Hang up if she tries to tell you on the phone and delete any e-mail that even begins to talk about this subject.
Let her know in advance that is your plan.
Tell her you love her and want her to have a good future, but telling you is not the way.
That is very inappropriate from her end. You are her daughter, not her counselor. That is not your role. It's just not. You are totally in the right to decline if you are uncomfortable knowing. For MUCH more minor things, my mother will try to seek me out for advice on a peer/friend level, and I decline when it is something I do not feel is appropriate for me (her daughter) to discuss with her. While I am an adult now, and we do talk on an even peer level about a lot of things, there are some areas that I am not willing to be that support person, she need to find actual peers/friends or a counselor, not her daughter (example, advice about her relationship with my sister). Even though I am adult, I believe there are still boundaries. Others may have different relationships with with their parents, but IMO she is asking you to serve a different role in her life that you should not be fulfilling for her. She definitely needs professional help, and unloading baggage on to you for the possibility that she *might* feel better (which I doubt will actually solve anything for her) is not fair to you, and is not right.
It depends. I see why the PPs have said not to get involved.
My question for you is: If she told you this horrible thing, do you HONESTLY think it would truly help her healing process? Or, would it further her ability to live in the horrible past?
If you do think it would help her heal, and you are a strong enough person to deal with whatever it is, then have her tell you. Sometimes people find relief in sharing stuff like this.
If you think this is just a convoluted attempt to relive the past for her, than I agree with PPs. Move on.
DH's mom is still not doing well. I'm not sure that she will ever fully recover from the divorce and it continues to negatively affect her life in all kinds of ways. We try to make sure she knows that we care about her and want to help her in ways that are useful, but we also acknowledge that a lot of the responsibility rests on her shoulders. Ultimately, we can't make her happy no matter how supportive we try to be. PP's point about helping her by listening may be valid, but only you can know where you need to draw the line to protect yourself and whether providing a particular kind of support (in this case hearing about "it") will actually help her heal or just make you bitter and unhappy without making her feel any better.
I agree with PPs advice to not get involved. I'll throw out there another reason why getting involved might be a bad idea... You're assuming the worst in what it might be that he "did to her" but what if it ends up being something minor and you don't have the "appropriate" response or outrage that she is looking for? Obviously "minor" vs "major" is all about perception, so I use the term loosely, but say it was "just" cheating (again, not saying this is minor to all, but presumably something someone should be able to move past after 25 years) and you don't express the appropriate level of horror, dismay, and sympathy... would this further damage your relationship with her?
I agree with what most others have said, but also just wanted to throw that thought out there.