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I don't know what to do from here (very long)
H and I just had our two year anniversary; we’ve been together for four years. I love him very much but honestly I don’t feel as though things have been right between us for months. I’ve been going over and over it in my head and keep coming to the conclusion that the issues must just be with me, because while he’s stressed over money etc, when it comes to our relationship, it’s obvious he thinks everything is fine.
Since I already mentioned money, I guess I’ll start there. I don’t know how much we have. I know how much rent is, and how much he gets paid per month. I don’t know where the rest of it is/goes. We moved for his job to TX from MD, he was going on about how we’d have more money because COL is cheaper etc. Suddenly it feels like we have less than we have in MD and from the snippets he’s mentioned, it seems like he’s saving an extra $500/m. I’m pretty sure this is because his dad scared him into thinking if he doesn’t have his first million by 40, he’ll have a crappy life (his family are extremes of wealthy/poor). I’m currently looking for another retail job like I had in MD that I can work around his job – we have one car, and things as they are, we can’t afford college/second car for me. In the meantime, I take care of everything at home.
I don’t feel connected to him right now. He comes home from work early – around 3:30pm. Gives me a quick kiss and then he’s playing games on his computer. I go downstairs, make dinner, and call him down to eat. Then he goes back to his computer. “Spending time together” for him is the hour he comes to sit on the sofa with me to watch a programme before bed. There have been days where I haven’t said a word apart from to the dog – something I mentioned to him once and he told me that was my choice. If I try and talk to him while he’s on the computer, he puts up his index finger to stop me talking, and then a couple minutes later, he puts his headphones down, turns to me clasps his hands together and indicates he’s ready to talk. It makes me feel like a kid. Sex is pretty meh. I could take it or leave it right now; it feels like its something for his benefit rather than ours. I usually stay until he falls asleep, then I get up and do something for an hour so I’ll be able to fall asleep and won’t think anymore. Or, I’ll go and sleep elsewhere, which has happened more times than not over the last few months.
I don’t feel he listens to me. I can say something, and he’ll dismiss it. A co-worker mentions the same thing a week later? It’s gospel. Anything I think we should do – from suggestions on where to put shelves or suggestions on how we should organise the move we just did – are met with “no, I don’t want to do that”. He may end up doing it later but only when enough time has passed for it to be his idea, or he’ll make it clear he wasn’t happy about it.
At times I’m not even convinced he loves me. I mean, he says the words. But I don’t feel it, you know? He seems to make a lot of unilateral decisions. I hear him on the phone/talking with friends sometimes and the most prevalent statement is “I’m doing this” “I’m doing that” “I’m moving to TX”. We’ve been TTC for a year. He got stressed because I was charting (I don’t share all the details with him, he asked me not to. He doesn’t know I’ve ovulated until afterwards) and decided we should put that on hold for a while. He’s been talking a lot about if we don’t have kids, what we’ll do in the future, where we’ll live, how many great danes we’ll have etc. Couple days ago he said, very emphatically that without the prospect of kids, there’s no reason (“NONE! NOT AT ALL!”) for a man to get married these days. Just makes me feel like I shouldn’t even be here.
I know for a fact I have issues too. I mean, we don’t fight. We don’t even compromise, and that’s not something that’s on him. That’s me. I just give in. I can’t tell you, for example, the last time we saw a movie I wanted to see at the cinema. I might have things floating about my head about why we shouldn’t do that or why I don’t want to. I just say ok. Whatever you want to do. And I know it annoys him that I’m ‘indecisive’. I’m always making excuses for him (to myself) – he works hard, he’s just stressed, he’s just worried about his friend’s divorce, it’s just the example he has – it serves only to validate him and make me feel like I’m being completely unfair to him.
I’ve been flirting with the idea of leaving. I don’t want to. I gave up a lot to be here. I’m English… I emigrated to be with him and I still love him. I know I need to talk to him about this stuff but I’m not sure how to do it without him feeling like I’m attacking him or that it’s all his fault – because it isn’t. All I know is that I’m miserable, and I don’t know if that’s because of our issues, or a projection of homesickness and the helplessness I feel. Emigrating was huge for me and it set me back professionally – everything I did after high school was a waste. I’ve had to start from scratch and it’s been very wearing and a difficult journey – one I know he sometimes resents, because he wishes I had more earning potential or that gov. paperwork etc was easier and inconvenienced him less.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice would be appreciated – and if you managed to get to the end of that essay – thank you for listening. Thank you for being someone I could talk to.
Re: I don't know what to do from here (very long)
I don't think you should leave him until you talk to him about your feelings. I think that it's only fair to him to make your feelings known. Don't accuse him or blame him. Just explain how you feel. It sounds like this is something that could easily be worked out with counseling. You are in what sounds like a very traditional old fashioned relationship and it doesn't seem that it fits you very well. Work together to make a relationship that you'll both be happy in. Good luck!
Really?
There's no reason for a woman to marry either -- none whatsoever at all! Swings both ways!
Gee, suppose you told him that? Wonder how it would fly with Der Fuhrer?
None of this bodes well for you. You don't know what is in savings, in investments, etc??? Not only is this striaght out of 1900, wow -- suppose something happened to him? You need to know what assets you and he have? Damn right!
Suppose he died or got critically ill and incapacitated?
BTW, tell him that when a couple marries, his money+hers now equals OUR money.
You also are to be privvy to what money you and he have, period. That's no questions asked.
This is secrecy with money and don't ask me what I think of that. He could be squandering it, or wow, who knows what?
This is bad --- very bad.
The rest of it is quite dire, also. You didn't marry to more or less be used as a housekeeper and a cook.
And I'd break that computer on him.
I'd straightaway sit him down and tell him what I am unhappy with and list everything you told us.
That fact needs to hit home and he owes it to you to make sure you are happy.
And if he doesn't or he won't talk or he thinks things are fine? YOU decide where to go from here.
As I said, this is straight out of a 1900 household. He needs to treat you as an equal, not a housekeep and servant.
You have EVERY right to know about your finances. Do you have a joint checking/savings account? Get one ASAP.
How are you in TX and unable to find a retail job? It's TX, shopping is our unofficial sport. What are are you in?
You need to take some control here. Pick a movie, a place to eat. If you want something done in your house then tell him, if he won't do it then hire someone. He will bitch and you can point out that you gave him a week or 4 days and he didn't do it.
The most important thing is to sit down with him and communicate with him your issues. Not when he is gaming or on the computer, wait until he is watching TV or ask him to help you with dinner one night and then have the convo.
Get yourself on LinkedIn, Career Builder and go to websites of Malls (for retail jobs) and see who is hiring and for what positions. Good Luck
Comfort zone? This guy seems to be the king of his castle -- and his wife is the indentured servant that is there for his beck and call and comfort!
He needs to wake up and move into 2013 and start living like a man who is a partner with his wife. If he can't manage that, the OP needs to take measures to put herself first.
And I would not stand for any of the secrecy surrounding money. That he has not let his wife in on any of the informatnion that involves their money makes the whole thing a secret....and that also makes him a liar, since this is a lie by omission of fact.
I worked at many retail locations over the years but I'm from Dallas/ Collin County area. Your best bet will be retail. That's all, it's just friendly advice.
Oh my good God - and you guys are TTC? Of all the dumb decisions going on in your post, this is far and above the dumbest. Holy hell.
Agreed with those that have pointed out how very one-sided and unloving this relationship is. You don't even know the basics of your household income/expenditures? How likely is it that the move to TX had nothing to do with income and everything to do with isolating you and making you 100% dependant on him? It's nearly 100%, that how likely it is. And he's got you right where he wants you - no job, no school, no money, no family, no friends, no car - you have nothing in your life but him. And him ignoring you most of the time he's home is another power play on his part - he's making you feel grateful for whatever attention he throws your way, making you scared to interrupt his precious game time because he'll just take away what little attention he is giving you and then you'll truly be alone.
You're his indentured servent, there to cook for him, clean for him, and have sex with him. He doesn't love you. I repeat - HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU.
Get out of there. Walk to a women's shelter or YWCA and ask for help getting back to MD. Once there, start the divorce paperwork.