Family Matters
alecia_kasher
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
overwhelmed by constant family get-togethers
My DH's family is very, very close. They work together (own and run a family business which I'm not a part of), play together, vacation together. etc. etc. To sum it up....they do everything together. My DH and I are the so-called "outcasts" of the family because we don't part take in every single family event. This is a decision that both my DH and I have made together. We have too much stuff going on to be able to join them every single time, and we just like our alone time and privacy as well. We also have a very big social life and my family is in town too, so we have to juggle our time between everyone, which isn't always the easiest thing to do. This has been an issue that we've struggled with a lot during the course of our relationship. I come from a family that dearly loves each other, but we only see each other maybe twice a month, which we're OK with. My ILs on the other hand want to spend every spare second of their extra time together. The constant get-togethers are very overwhelming for me and to top it all - I live next door to my ILs (!!) so they ALWAYS know when we're home so we can't really lie about not being home in order to avoid a family function (I know, I need to move which we're working on!). There are times when my DH can't make it to a family event, but my ILs still want me to come. For example, the other night my FIL's cousin and his wife were in town and my ILs planned a family dinner for the whole family. My DH was out of town fishing with his friends, so I decided not to go. I mean, I like these people just fine, but they're not really MY family so I figured I didn't really need to be there. Plus, I would NEVER expect my DH to attend a family event with my family without me being there. We've tried to explain to my ILs that we just don't have the time to make it to everything, but you can tell that they get annoyed that we don't part take as much as others. Sooo...now that you have some background info, here's my question: How much time am I obligated to spend with my ILs, and if my DH can't make it, does that mean I still have to part take anyway? I don't want to come off as rude to my ILs, but 1) I don't feel as though I should have to go to things with them if my DH isn't going to be there; 2) the time they spend together is insanely obnoxious; and 3) my life doesn't revolve around them.
Re: overwhelmed by constant family get-togethers
No you do not have to take part if you don't want to. Just tell them you have plans and leave it at that. DO NOT GIVE DETAILS, just say you have plans.
Please know you are not being rude and you are right, they are obnoxious. At a certain point you will just have to be ok with them being upset you guys aren't there.
Here is an important life lesson for you: Just because someone says you are wrong or rude or mean or uncaring; that doesn't mean you are.
Agreed. Your life does not revolve around them.
I think this comes down to setting expectations. You could tell them that you will see them or do something with them once per week, or three times per month, or whatever works out for you. Maybe by creating a plan ahead of time that will help them adjust. And over time you can make that plan smaller and smaller...wean them.
It sounds to me like you do like them as people, it's just too much contact. And you aren't obligated to spend any time with them. But, you also can't judge how much time they choose to spend with one another. That's their choice, just like you get to make your choice about time spent.
I agree with you that moving will probably help. When I read that sentence I immediately thought of the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," in which the bride's parents buy her and her new DH a home...right next door to them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Remember too that you and your H are one new family unit and technically he is *not* part of his sibling/parent's family anymore. YOu and he are one new unit and a new family.
I would limit the get togethers to major holidays, major milestone celebrations ald leave it at that. And not to mention they also expect gifts for every singe occasion and get together and party that entails a celebration for this and for that: costly and how much STUFF does one need??? LImit it to gifts for the littlest kids only and leave it at that.
It's fine if you don't want to go alone, but don't be pissy over the fact that they were nice enough to invite you.
And I will actually add- for the fact that you do live next door, they might actually feel they HAVE ot invite you. For as much as it annoys you that they know you're home, it goes in the reverse too. You know when they are home and you'll know when they are entertaining.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10