Is my boyfriend gay or shy?!

Mellbell22 · August 2013

Been dating for a year…engaged. We are both very shy/reserved. He is OCD…he house is always neat and orderly, nothing out of place. He has many routines and he never deviates. He works in finance so he is very detailed. The reasons I believe he could be gay:

It takes him over an hour to get ready in the morning and about 30-45 minutes at night. He showers at night. He has specific creams/face washes …pro active, tretonin…stuff for acne (although he doesn’t have acne). Brushes/flosses/mouth wash every morning and night. He always gets upset with his hair if one little strand is out of place. He had braces a few years ago and still wears his retainer every night. I’ve seen him pluck his eyebrows before (although he tries to hide it). He shaved his legs (not all the way, more trimmed) in March for “biking” season. In all fairness…his whole family has extremely bushy uni-brows. He is not flamboyant in anyway. He likes nice/high end things. He dresses “basic”…same t-shirts/shorts from jcrew. Owns 2 pair of shoes only! He is very plain jane in clothing and food…only eats strawberry/vanilla ice cream. The other thing is our sex life. I feel its kind of awkward…but I feel it could be me. He likes sports…watching..we have season tickets to our college football team. He isnt emotional... no crier. He won’t watch Dancing with the stars or cougar town with me…he gets bored from them! He is not “manly” in my opinion though. He is VERY shy…although he always initiates. We do it 1-2 per week. I’ve never noticed anything on his computer…just started checking. He deletes is Ipad history frequently…but he does have a playboy account and over the past 8 months (the history only goes that far) he has visited the site fairly frequently. Please help…do my mans grooming habits and our awkward sex life mean he’s gay. I’m divorced (married too young) and don’t want to get divorced again

I’m scared.

Mellbell22 · August 2013

Also ... I think it has been a long time since he's been in a relationship. Although he's been on eharmony off and on since 2010. We met online. He did tell me he was engaged once but she left him. We don't really talk about past relationships.

SmrBrd2012 · August 2013

I can't tell you if your fiance is gay or not but if you're scared and are having doubts as severe as thinking these things, then you really should not be engaged right now. I think you should both take more time to get more comfortable with each other before you get hitched for life, especially since you have both made some marriage decisions in the past that have not worked out for you. What is the rush? A year just doesn't seem long enough in this case for you to both truly know each other.

Mellbell22 · August 2013

We're both in our mid 30s. We want children. I've never lived someone as much as I've loved him.

WendyGR · August 2013

You need to listen to those nagging doubts. I dated a guy I refer to as "gay Tom." We were serious for awhile but something just seemed off. He also liked the Gilmore Girls, which he joked "might make me gay." It took a lot of courage but I ended things. Luckily very shortly thereafter I met my DH and I was 100% sure we were meant for each other. So glad I didn't try to make things work out with my previous boyfriend. Tom has since moved on and married and has a child, so I doubt he really was gay, but I am still glad I ended up with DH!

So I guess the moral of the story is, if he's not right for you, if you aren't 100% sure, then you need to find someone who you ARE 100% sure about.

TarponMonoxide · August 2013

None of this means he is a homosexual.

And not all guys are raving sex animals.

Lots of bikers shave their legs. I have never *gotten* why that is needed; they claim it improves the aerodynamics of biking. It's only a few millimeters of hair; yer hardly ready to pull a beer truck!:)

Didn't you ask why the engagement ended? That should be a concern; you're in a long term relationship wit him and I would think it would be prudent for him to say why and tell the truth.

I dont know what a "playboy account" is -- is that something sponsored by the magazine?

I don't know what to advise you -- I would say though that you need to put the wedding on hold until you have 100% positive reassurance that he is straight.

You could ask him if he is gay or bi. And ask him point blank -- see what he says.

DaringMiss · August 2013

Most of his behaviors that you believe might indicate that he is gay could stem from his OCD. Your stereotypes are lame. Elaborate grooming rituals do not make someone gay. To put it crudely, just because he is anal retentive doesn't mean that he likes anal sex with other men.

You have doubts about this relationship. Stop. Talk. Reevaluate.

IMHO, you are a comfortable couple, you want to have children and figure that you will just deal with the sexual compatibility. So, let's fast forward this relationship 10 years. You get married, have two kids and are still having awkward sex...or not having sex at all. He continues to masturbate to porn, your sex frequency dwindles because of kids, stress and age and you are unhappy, unfulfilled and back here to ask our advice. You start to snark at each other and make each other miserable but you will "stay together for the kids."

You can get to the bottom of your relationship issues NOW or burden your children with your crappy relationship later. Choice is yours.

MLE2010 · August 2013

Look up metrosexual. I think this is what your FI is. I have a good friend who is like this. We make fun of him all the time, his wife gets annoyed whenever we go out, takes him an hour and half to get ready. We love him it's just who he is no biggie.

I think a year with both your histories is too soon to get married.

Mellbell22 · August 2013

Thank you for all of your input! I think just writing it down helped. I know I am over reacting. I am such a worrier…I’m always worried about something L I know he is super OCD (so is his Mom…she is worse!) and the only thing that gets me is his “primping” time. I think the awkwardness of our SL is probably just something we need to work on…maybe see a therapist (like poster said). I think we probably are both very shy and worried about making the 1st move. I also know we need to communicate more. I think I will try and bring up the topic of past relationships…not sure how to be discreet about why I want to know. I love him in every way….I even like how much he cares about his appearance (as long as it doesn’t mean anything…). I love everything about him…he is perfect for me…we have so much in common and he is so smart (which I love). He is very shy…his brother is even shyer…his brothers 1st GF is now his wife so he didn’t date much either. I spent a week on vacation with his brother and he probably only said 2 words to me…he never speaks! I think his OCD and shyness (my FI) are what is getting me worked up. To prior poster…yes Playboy.com is a link to the magazine/website you can join and get weekly emails/photos. I just want people to ease my fears I guess...and tell me they know/dated guys like this. I think I will go see a therapist which should help as well.We are not getting married until June…I don’t know how I would even suggest we put the wedding off…I can’t say I have doubts you could be gay! If he’s not gay…I want to spend my life with him. As far as the awkward SL do you believe we could make it better by seeing a therapist. I truly think this department is my fault. I’ve never been very good. I’m shy…so I don’t “talk”....he actually does on occasion. And he is always the one to initiate… He’s not aggressive about it at all…kind of eases into making the initation….almost like he’s planning it out.

queenofhearts1728 · August 2013

DaringMiss said:

Elaborate grooming rituals do not make someone gay.

^This.

My boyfriend isn't OCD, but:

he takes two showers a day, one in the morning and one at night.
He uses two towels - a face towel and a body towel. Once used, the body towel goes in the wash, and the face towel becomes the new body towel, and he grabs a new face towel.
He changes his pillow case EVERY night (a habit I am trying to pick up, because pillow cases are actually pretty disgusting).
He only buys white towels/sheets so he can bleach them.
He used to use Proactiv, which actually helped his skin a lot. He didn't necessarily have acne per se, but he had that under-the-skin / bumpy kind of acne going on. It made him really greasy though, which bothered me to no end. I finally got him to trade up for a better men's facewash that makes his face baby-butt smooth.

I used to make fun of his habits, but I never thought it meant he might mean he's gay, however. I actually really admire some of his habits, like the pillow case thing. I think he's pretty silly for having a towel rotation, though (they even live on separate towel bars lol).

Some guys just like being well-kept, clean, etc. If you REALLY have a fear, though, it's worth a discussion, even if it's only to ask WHY he does certain things. There might be a far different reasoning than you think.

tiffanysbride · August 2013

Reposting from S&R b/c you seem to be more active over here.

Well, don't get married to someone that you can't talk to about everything. You need to talk about your sex life. You say your both reserved, maybe he wants to change things but doesn't want to make you uncomfortable. He might be thinking the same thing.

As to the grooming, most men do it in some fashion, why is that a big deal? I think you have some preconceived notions that are just ridiculous. I don't know many guys that don't pluck those random eyebrow hairs or try to maintain two. Heck my brother and husband had their sisters teach them and I have yet to meet a guy that doesn't in some form or another. Trimming body hair is also normal, DH does it for every part of his body. No one but me could possibly tell b/c it is trimmed not shaved, like between 1/2-1 inch long vs 2 (cringe). Who wants to see all that nasty pit hair?!? All those men in movies are waxed, I don't here people calling them gay. Guys read things online and in magazines, link below is almost exactly what you posted (makes me wonder if this is MUD).

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/08/04/hygiene-for-men/

Here's another one from men's fitness. I seriously wonder about your past partners, either they cared very little about these things, were genetically blessed or hid their personal habits from you.

http://www.mensfitness.com/gear/fashion-and-trends/grooming-habits-every-man-should-take-up

What do the shows you mention have to do with being gay? I mean really? I don't watch those shows b/c I find them mind numbing. Are you saying b/c he doesn't he is or is not gay? Your whole post if really full of judgements and stereotypes.

tiffanysbride · August 2013

he takes two showers a day, one in the morning and one at night. Maybe he sweats a lot.
He uses two towels - a face towel and a body towel. Once used, the body towel goes in the wash, and the face towel becomes the new body towel, and he grabs a new face towel. Growing up we always used new towels every time, maybe he did too. Not OCD to me.
He changes his pillow case EVERY night (a habit I am trying to pick up, because pillow cases are actually pretty disgusting). Can't help with this one
He only buys white towels/sheets so he can bleach them. I know many people that only buy white to bleach them.
He used to use Proactiv, which actually helped his skin a lot. He didn't necessarily have acne per se, but he had that under-the-skin / bumpy kind of acne going on. It made him really greasy though, which bothered me to no end. I finally got him to trade up for a better men's facewash that makes his face baby-butt smooth. So he cared about his skin and didn't want acne ???

Sillygirl45 · August 2013

Maybe the reason he doesn't have acne is because he uses all these products. I am a nut about flossing and brushing. I have great teeth, my mother has horrible teeth. It has greatly influenced me. You also need to wear your retainer religiously to keep your teeth straight after braces. They tend to want to go back to their original state, especially of you waited until an adult to get braces. If he is always initiating sex, maybe he is getting shy/frustrated that he feels you're not really wanting it? I don't see anything screaming that this guy is gay. I see huge communication problems. Why aren't you ever initiating sex? Are you gay? Not trying to be nasty or accusing, but it seems odd you are marrying a guy you are questioning his sexuality when it sounds like you are looking for some issue where there isn't one.

TarponMonoxide · August 2013

Why aren't you ever initiating sex? Are you gay? Not trying to be nasty or accusing, but it seems odd you are marrying a guy you are questioning his sexuality when it sounds like you are looking for some issue where there isn't one.

The problem here is that there is a sexual incompatibilty problem and a communication problem.

If you are not happy with the sex life you are having with him, despite talking to him about it, then move on: don't marry this guy.

As I said, sex is not everything in a relationship but it is vastly important. If he is not providing you with what you want and that's what you want and you will not be getting it. rethink this guy.

Marriage won't turn him into a raving sex maniac or wild animal who tears your clothes off every night when you walk through the door after work.

Talk to him first and foremostly about the reason why he broke up with his fiancee. THat is important, that answer. As I said, it may have a bearing on you and your future with him.

He needs to be forth coming and honest. If he won't say or the reply doesn't seem like adequate enough info, rethink this guy.

artbyallie · August 2013

Pet peeve here: He is not 'super OCD.' It is not an adjective, but a legitimate anxiety disorder. Either he has been diagnosed with OCD or he has not. IMO (and obviously I am not a doctor of any kind) he does not have OCD. He likes to be neat and organized. A perfectionist, perhaps, but I am doubtful he has any truly compulsive behavior.

TarponMonoxide · August 2013

THis may just be "him" -- and this is the way he is.

If you are having reservations or doubts, put the wedding on hold until you get some answers. and if are not at all happy with how he is in the sack, as I said, maybe you should think carefully about whether or not you can accept him as is in the sack.

GilliC · August 2013

Just because someone looks good on paper doesn't make him a great match. I married a guy who is great on paper, and now I'm divorced. Sometimes I look at my SO and I can rattle off all the things that count against him on paper, but at the end of the day they don't really matter to me. Yet I trust him completely and know that I can discuss anything that's bothering me.

As others have said, you need to be able to communicate honestly about anything. If you don't want to end up divorced again, I'd strongly recommend fixing these issues now and being absolutely sure you'll be able to address more big concerns in the future. Find a way to open up before it's too late, and if you can't, you may need to cut your losses and move on.

ReturnOfKuus · August 2013

You don't sound like you really know this guy all that well. Now is not the time to be thinking of marriage, let alone planning it.

raysteph814 · August 2013

My Boyfriend takes all the time in the world to get ready in the morning.. I am in and out of the shower dressed, lunches made (we work together) and ready to go before the time he is out of the shower... I have just learned to accept it and before I always used to wonder what he was doing in there. Then i learned his routine and I am okay with it.. we got a lot better since we have been living with each other.. sometimes I will purposely get up later so we have less time to get ready and he gets ready fast.. my BF also LOVES music so while he is in the shower he just listens to his music and gets lost in time.. I can't blame you early in the morning with a nice hot shower I sometimes get lost too! lol but in all honesty I have to learn that Sicilian men are very metro sexual and theres nothing wrong with that! I would rather have a man who cleans up after himself and makes him self presentable than a guy who looks like a slob all the time! I wouldn't try to stress it so much. Men get into their own routines and so we just have to go with the flow.. and also don't you think that in todays world he would have came out already? The world is making it so much more comfortable to be who you are these days.

dont stress!

Tofumonkey · August 2013

I have learned so much from this thread about what makes a man gay, wow! I had never before considered that liking only two flavours of ice cream was a gayness indicator, nor was being bored with ridiculous TV shows. My husband really only likes mint chocolate chip ice cream and doesn't watch The Bachelor. I have serious concerns now, wow!

Thank you for opening my eyes!

queenofhearts1728 · August 2013

tiffanysbride said:

he takes two showers a day, one in the morning and one at night. Maybe he sweats a lot.
He uses two towels - a face towel and a body towel. Once used, the body towel goes in the wash, and the face towel becomes the new body towel, and he grabs a new face towel. Growing up we always used new towels every time, maybe he did too. Not OCD to me.
He changes his pillow case EVERY night (a habit I am trying to pick up, because pillow cases are actually pretty disgusting). Can't help with this one
He only buys white towels/sheets so he can bleach them. I know many people that only buy white to bleach them.
He used to use Proactiv, which actually helped his skin a lot. He didn't necessarily have acne per se, but he had that under-the-skin / bumpy kind of acne going on. It made him really greasy though, which bothered me to no end. I finally got him to trade up for a better men's facewash that makes his face baby-butt smooth. So he cared about his skin and didn't want acne ???

I was just using my BF as an example of 'elaborate grooming rituals don't make someone gay'. but thanks for your opinions? lol

elihearts · September 2013

A) personal habits and grooming do not a homosexual make. Since he's the one initiating sex I'm not really sure where you're getting the gay thing from...

as for the shaving legs thing, my dad is a cyclist and he does that...it's not so much to be more aerodynamic, it's more so if/when they crash it's easier to clean out the injury and to bandage it (and it really is a question of "when" for crashes!).

Thinking the two of you need to work on communication...I would suggest premarital counseling; it can't hurt and it might very well help!

ClaryPax · September 2013

The only red flag here for me is the sexual awkwardness. You guys are in a sexual relationship, you should be able to talk about it. Say, "I've been noticing that our sex seems a bit awkward, what do you think? Is there anyway we can improve it? What turns you on?..." You get the idea.

Trixeetrix · September 2013

OP I can see where you are coming from with questioning his sexuality. I was raised that men should be "manly", get their hands dirty, not primp themselves. However, I am the same age as you and I found that before my H I was running into MANY straight men who loved to dress nice, do their hair, get their nails/feet done etc. This drove me crazy as I do not do these things myself. However this is the new generation and these things are now socially acceptable and quite normal for heterosexual men.

As someone who suffers from anxiety I can relate to some of his "rituals". This is something that can be helped with some counseling. I think you could both use some to work on communication. You both may not be sexually incompatable - maybe just too "shy" to talk about each others wants and needs in the bedroom. Perhaps you should postpone marrying him until you have things more figured out though. Good luck to you!

StilletoJess · September 2013

This has got to be the most childish post I have seen in a while- Everything you mentioned about him that makes you think he’s gay looks completely normal. It sounds like these might be things you don’t like about the relationship period and somehow in your head you translated it to his sexual orientation. There are no characteristics that can truly tell you whether a person is gay or not unless they come out and tell you themselves. I think you need to hold off on the wedding, you really should’ve held off on the engagement all together. You’re not ready to get married, again.

Is my boyfriend gay or shy?!

Re: Is my boyfriend gay or shy?!

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