Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need advice. Very long.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have basically been unhappy since we got engaged over 4 years ago. The engagement was very rough, especially after we moved in together. But we really loved each other and stuck it out, hoping things would get better after we got married. Before we moved into the house, we lived in his tiny condo together and during that time he distanced himself from me (this was before our wedding) and became very controlling, demeaning and critical. He would say very hurtful things to me on a daily basis and constantly point out that I wasn't eating healthy (I am a very healthy weight) and point out every time I didn't go to the gym (I exercise 3-4 times a week). That caused me to feel even more insecure in myself and in the marriage. Things have been slightly better since the marriage but not much. We have had several fights where I have threatened to leave and each time he begged me not to and says we can work it out. We both have a lot of issues (he has anger issues and I think he is depressed, I have anxiety, ADHD and low self esteem) and for over a year now I have been actively trying to get better by seeing therapists on my own, undergoing sleep studies and ADHD testing, etc. 9 months ago we started seeing a social worker together for marriage counseling. In the spring I started taking some antidepressants for my anxiety and trying out different ADHD medications (right after we got married, my husband encouraged me to come off both my antidepressant and ADHD meds...convinced I didn't really need them). Since then, I feel like I have been getting a lot out of therapy and getting stronger and more confident. And in terms of our marriage, I think we are fighting less and both really putting forth effort but I don't see us really moving forward the way I would like to. Week after week my husband sits there and does not participate in therapy. When I bring things up, he denies them or says "I don't care when you ___" when clearly he does. It is extremely frustrating for me. All throughout our marriage he has said he needs help and wants to see someone on his own to work through his issues, but he only went once for a few months, back after we first got married. I am scared by his anger issues...it makes him unpredictable, and because he never speaks to me about what is bothering him, I never know whats wrong until it results in a fight. I have never felt like would hurt me but I do worry that he might do something stupid (like throw something) that could inadvertently hurt me. My sleep has also been a constant struggle for us. After we got engaged I started having a lot of anxiety about the wedding and screaming in my sleep, sleep walking and tossing and turning. He kept using that as a way to try and control what I did...what I ate or how often I went out drinking, how often I exercised...because all of those things influence sleep. We have tried everything...acupuncture, sleeping pills, sleep studies to see if I had apnea...eventually we ended up with two twin mattresses pushed together which has somewhat resolved the issue but now we have lost our intimacy. I no longer yell as frequently but continue to toss and turn on a daily basis. We continue to fight about it...and it is hurtful because he seems to think it is something I can control and choose not to...and tells me that I am not doing anything to try and "fix" it.
On paper he is a wonderful husband. He helps out around the house, cooks, cleans. He is loyal and I do not think he is cheating. He remembers birthdays, anniversaries...always buys me wonderful gifts. He is handy and does a lot of work around the house, which I appreciate.
In the end I just feel that we are both unhappy and perhaps no matter how hard we try or how much effort we put into it, it just isn't right for either for us. I love him so much and am scared to leave and be on my own, but I fear that if I stay I will hate myself and be unhappy forever. I don't feel like I can be myself completely with him and I fear things that he will do or say so I hide things from that I don't feel I should have to (for example, eating candy). There are no major issues here like infidelity or alcoholism or gambling...and yet it just seems like our issues can't be resolved. I am very seriously starting to think about leaving (I have thought about it frequently over the years but never thought I could actually do it) but I don't want to feel like I gave up on my marriage or my husband. It is especially tough for me now that all of my friends have begun having children and I am realizing that having children is something I want to start soon. It really concerns me that we have been in therapy for 9 months and are nowhere closer to where we would need to be to have kids. I worry that if I push for them...I will eventually end up in my 30s, being a young single mom and unable to move near my family (we live near his). If I stick it out and try to work on things and we don't have kids, I will be alone in my 30s and bitter that I wasted so much time. It makes me scared that once we have kids I will be tied to him forever and I know that isn't the right way to feel but I can't help it. It is harder for me to think about leaving than it was a year ago because things have become much less volatile and more "livable"...and even good at times. I continue to love him very much.
I really don't know whether I should stay or go. I don't know if I should push for children. I don't know if it's worth it to continue with therapy. And I don't know how to fix our intimacy problems.
I don't have many people to talk to about this. Any advice would be appreciated.
Re: Need advice. Very long.
His anger issues, the fact you already know how this will turn out is screaming you need to leave. Today.
We have to tell you that you don't have children with a man like this? That a child doesn't help it makes things worse?
Leave now and stop wasting your life on this marriage that should have never taken place.
Your line of thinking is all messed up and unhealthy.
Do not even think of staying with him one more day, let alone have kids with him. YOu'd be destroying the lives of those children.
The worst thing you can do is stay with him, be miserable and bring a child into this. Then think of how your parents will feel. Having a child awakens some serious shit in a person and your BS tolerance is zero.
You can't live like this. This is walking on eggs and who needs that?
What I suggest -- and standard when I suggest it's time for a woman to leave her spouse/SO/FI:
Get your finances in order -- take your money and assets and secure it in accounts he knows nothing of
If you own anything jointly with him, seek an attorney's input
When all is ready, file for divorce. If I were you, I'd leave when he is gone for the day; go to your parent's house, a friend, a close relative -- stay anywhere but there.
Keep a cell phone and money on your person.
And stay safe. I suggest you just go and not tell him you are leaving. He sounds seriously nuts and who knows what his reaction will be if you tell him you're leaving him?
Wishing you the best.
And continue to get counseling. You'll need it after all you have been through.
Frankly, this marriage isn't worth the paper it's written on.
You said you don't have any "major" problems here. Oh ok, so does emotional abuse not count as a major problem?
He's controlling. He has tried to control your weight, exercise, food intake, sleep, medication, and Lord knows what else. He has anger issues which you are scared of. Honestly, no wonder you have sleep problems. If I slept next to a man I believed was capable of physically harming me, I wouldn't sleep so well either. He doesn't participate in couples counseling. So, either he doesn't think he has a problem, or he is unwilling to fix it. You can't be yourself with him. That's a HUGE problem. You should be able to be 100% yourself with your spouse. You can't even eat what you want. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I felt the need to hide my junk food from my husband. That's so sad to me.
I understand that the thought of leaving any marriage, no matter how awful, is scary and devastating. I do. But the scary part ends soon enough, and you'll figure out how to start over. If you stay with him, the scary part continues for the rest of your life, as you have to sleep next to someone you are afraid of.
Under NO circumstances should you have children with this man. It would be cruel, selfish, and WRONG to bring a child into this marriage. Would YOU want your H as a father? I'm guessing not. Why, then, would you consider giving YOUR CHILD your H as a father?
My advice in a nutshell:
Leave immediately. File for divorce. Find somewhere safe you can stay and don't tell him where it is. Stop wasting your life on this person. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM.
I have a really good friend who was involved with her b/f for years. And it was just heartbreaking because they both really passionately loved each other, but they were so wrong for each other. He was often very dismissive of her and her feelings. He had anger issues and would blow up at her for the smallest things (no physical violence, thank goodness). She also suffered from anxiety issues (prior to meeting him) and their relationship just exacerbated that. She also felt like she was walking on eggshells all the time and was just miserable.
I'll give you the same advice I gave her. Love is a wonderful thing but, contrary to popular belief it does NOT conquer all. Not even close. And love doesn't work without compatibility.
Of course, everyone's life and story is different. But my friend did leave her b/f 3 years ago. It emotionally killed her to leave the relationship at first, but she quickly found herself feeling much better and more confident. She now looks back...on the rare occasion when she even gives him a second thought, lol...and can't believe she stayed as long as she did.
I know it is much harder to leave a marriage than a relationship, but if you decide there is no more hope and leave, I promise you will come out the stronger and happier for it. Not necessarily right away, but you will get there. I think for me, the most alarming part of your story, is your husband's constant criticism and micromanaging, especially everything you eat and drink. That would seriously drive me bat s**t crazy and bring out my inner bitch. She has a very sharp and biting tongue
.
You've done the right thing, then.
I think you plain ole need to file -- don't even think about a trial separation. Forget the therapy; make a clean break of this and file. he's caused way too much damage that cannot be rectified.
There's no way though, you are required to speak to him at all. File and don't look back; if he has anything to say, let it be from a legal aspect only that has to do with the divorce -- and only then he speaks via his attorney. He is not quite supposed to speak to you at all on a one to one basis once you have filed: what for? There's no reason to be in contact with him; you have no kids.