Family Matters
November42
member
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Helping family to understand my mental health
I've suffered from anxiety and low moods for the past 5 years. In the last 3 years it's got worse, and I saw a counsellor for CBT 2 years ago now. It helped a bit, but early this year I decided I couldn't go on like it - my moods were out of control, I was getting incredibly angry and irritable by the slightest thing (totally out of character for me), my low moods affected me more than ever, and I was constantly worried about anything and everything. On top of this I have social anxiety issues too.
Generally my husband and his family are very open and understanding about mental health as my BIL has Bipolar, and they've been through some really tough times. When I was 'officially' diagnosed earlier this year with anxiety, my MIL was a bit dismissive and kind of had the nothing really horrendous has happened to you so you shouldn't have it attitude and asked if I was sure I had it, etc. So now I try to hide my low moods from her, and most of the time I succeed and the only give away is the state of our apartment.
I feel like my husband is getting less understanding. I was back in therapy a few months ago because I said I didn't think I was coping and he agreed with me. Yet he was apprehensive about me going back and asked if I was sure if it was the right thing to do. When I'm in a low mood, he tells me things aren't as bad as I think and I have nothing to worry about/be depressed about and to just think positively. He stands me in front of a mirror and tells me to look at how beautiful I am when I have hang ups about my body. The whole thing just makes me want to scream and cry. No matter what I say, it's like he doesn't get it. He doesn't realise I can't control these feelings, I don't just have an off switch. He also blames himself, saying he's a lousy husband, but I've explained to him it's not him, I had it before I met him, etc. It makes me feel so frustrated and guilty.
I want to confide in others but my own parents and I aren't close and we only see each other a couple of times a year as we live so far away. My family are so close-knit and I wouldn't want them all to know, but if I told my mum then I may as well announce it to everyone from the rooftops. Plus I've always been the 'strong' one... I have 3 best friends, one of whom also suffers from depression and really understands but isn't easy to get in touch with, one who thinks he can just chat to me and make everything ok, and the other who just doesn't know what to say if I say I've been low and changes the subject. I feel really alone... I don't get out much as my husband doesn't like going out and I can't bring myself to go out alone. I have hobbies such as church choir, dancing and reading group and try to fill my time with work or things like this to take my mind off my problems. But they don't go away, and I need my family at home - my husband - to understand.
What can I do to help him or to help myself, and to get other to understand too?
Re: Helping family to understand my mental health
You may have problems with either or both, in addition to the mood problems you've got now, caused by another factor.
You need not inform anybody else outside of your H about your health problems --- to me, they are none of their business. From here on in, I think it is best you tell MIL or any other ILs or other family members about your health and health care issues; again, it's none of their business. They are not hella supportive anyway, so from here on in, mum is the word.
There are support groups available for those who are close to somebody suffering with chronic conditions (and yours is chronic) --- try your county mental health association for groups your H might want to look into.
Wishing you the best.
Others may disagree, but we are multi-faceted beings and I think there is a spiritual side to us, which can affect our physical and mental states. I think the buzz word for this is taking a "wholistic" approach to your healing and well-being.
Perhaps you can find a church in your community that has some support groups involving depression and anxiety. Or, even attendance In an uplifting atmosphere on a weekly basis may help.
I only understand a taste of what you are going through, but it sounds like your husband and his family really do love and care about you. Your husband sounds like he's doing his best to help you in the only way he knows how. Don't be discouraged by him. Instead maybe he can come with you to some meetings or support groups to learn what you need from him when you're feeling low.